In the Genes

Or is it just taught.

Today on my lovely drive to work I passed a bus stop with kids from my school. I pass them every morning. If I pass that spot and they aren't there then we know that either I am really late or I am REALLY late.

At the bus stop today there was the same cute little blond girl dancing around. She is always doing some sort of cheer or dance routine. Yes, I also get stuck at that very spot every morning. She wasn't just dancing today she was holding a baby. At first I thought it was a real baby until she threw it into the air. I wanted to scream, STOP until I saw it was way too small to be real. She was playing with this doll acting like she was rocking it to sleep for another super little girl. It was really precious. She had all the motions down perfectly. The rocking, swinging, singing. It hit my heart pretty hard. It also made me wonder if woman have this need to have babies in our genes, our makeup or is it just taught.

Growing up I always had dolls. I always played house. I always took care of every one. Of course I was the oldest so that didn't help. When my little sister was born I was 10. I became her second mom. I got up in the night to feed and put her back to bed. I changed diapers. I rocked her to sleep. I even spanked her when she got older. When she was sick she cried for me, not for my mom.

Being a mom was totally my number one desire for my life besides being a wife. I had huge plans as a little girl to be married by 18 and have all my kids by 19. Yes, I didn't have a grasp on time yet but you get the gist. I wanted it all.

So thinking back to that little girl and me as a kid, is this desire learned or born? I know the answer isn't that important but I just can't stop thinking about that little doll. If we didn't give little girls dolls would they still have that baby desire.

Man I hate how infertility can seep into all areas of your life including your commute to work.

Oh by the way, still now Aunt Flow. Of course I tested and of course it was a bfn. I also got my injectibles in the mail today. They are now loving my fridge.