A Missed Opportunity

and how I can't breathe!

Grumps and I have been trying for a family for 4 years and 7 months. In other words, a very long time. During that time we have never missed an opportunity to TRY. Yes we missed times when he was away or when I was on Lupron or miscarried but all other months were a go. Some months we gave it ALL we had a million times in a month. Other times it was a hit or miss. And even still there were months it was a one time go. This month NONE!

This doesn't mean we haven't had 'moments'. We just haven't tried during out little window. There really isn't a reason. Yep I haven't felt well. My insides have really hurt. We have been busy and tired. But we usually push through and try. Last night was our last chance moment and Grumps car got slightly hit in our parking lot. So it was a no go. He was not in a good place.

As I went to bed I started having that panic moment. I felt like I couldn't breathe. How could we miss a good opportunity? It was hard to just let this month go. No symptoms. No 'thinking'. No wondering at all. Maybe it will be a nice break but I feel like I completely missed it. I missed that 0 to 5% chance this month. See that did make me laugh.

In all of this freak out today at work I really had a hard time. I haven't had a hard time in months. But it was a "I can't breathe" day for sure. There are at least 5 women pregnant at my school. Most all are do in Aprilish. They are starting to tell and show just a tad. I was okay with it at first but now I can't breathe. How will I be able to handle them all at once? I have dealt with many pregnant women at work before but never all at once right in my face.

There was a moment after hearing major talk about it all, seeing bellies, and thinking "I don't fit" when I had to do all I could do to hold in the tears and screams. I wanted to run to the bathroom, lock the door and never leave. I couldn't breathe.

Thank God for my girls. My day got better with wine and dinner. I can only hope I can make it through the rest of the year. It is pretty bad when you are already counting down until June.

Here is my song for today. Maybe even the year. All I can do is breathe for sure! Even that is hard!

Self Torture

Why do I do it?

Why do I read pregnant blogs daily? I mean I really should just read them weekly, but daily is true torture.

Why do I read and comment on the boards at all? I try to help because I have been on this road for so long but once again it is torture. The questions are so new and hopeful. I don't want to bust any bubbles but I do want to ground the newbies sometimes.

Why do I do I look at pregnant bellies, especially those who are near my due date? KILLS ME!!!

One thing I don't do is look through all the baby/parenting/pregnancy/congratulations magazines/flyers/postcards that I get in the mail daily. I look at them for a totally of 10 seconds and do a little snicker/laugh and TRASH them!

What things do you do that are pure torture? Things you know you shouldn't do but it is like a trainwreck, you just can't look away.