Opening

of the envelope took place!

I didn't want to. It wasn't because I was being nosy. (But I did have a glass of wine at my side.) I needed to see if it had some of my tests in it. No answers there.

I didn't really learn anything new. A lot of my files were left out. I guess my doctor didn't find them important. All of my previous testing and Grumps as well were not included. I guess since we did get pregnant none of that was super important.

My pictures were there of my lovely insides. I have seen them many times. A toxic waste dump without adhesions and scar tissue. My doctor is still shocked by that.

My old charting charts were there. I will bring my recent months along.

The pathology reports and my visit notes.

The detailed report of my lap. There I found something I have always wondered but was afraid to ask.

I told the stage of my endometriosis. I always guessed what I thought it would be. I also hoped what I wanted it to be. I teared up when I saw what it really was.

Stage IV Endometriosis

I am very blessed to have gotten pregnant at all. I am also blessed that my girl parts work. But hearing stage IV makes my heart sink a little.

I filled out all the paper work the best that I could. I don't know Grumps sperm results. I don't know all the blood tests that were done. I am sure he can figure out what was done to both of us. The big thing is the endo.

Grumps favorite question to torment me with is: if you drink, how much do you consume per week/day? I said once a day. (okay it might be a little more or less depending on the day) Grumps was twice a week. He called me an alcoholic. I told him to live in my shoes for a day. He has no place to judge.

Tomorrow morning is the big moment. I am sure I know what he will say. I still need to make my little list of talking points. I am sure Grumps will be of no help. He is only going because I know that they will want to talk to him.

I will report back with the bigger game plan.

The Beginning of a Game Plan

I did it! I went to my doctor. When I got there everyone gave me big hugs and told me how much they missed me. I told them the same. I was there so often that I made friends with everyone.

I was prepared for an exam from the doctor but nope! We just talked. I gave him my charts. I told him how the past few cycles have been slightly different. I shared how I was afraid that my endo was returning. I looked through it and including my file and endo pictures. His only thought was doing another lap to see if and how much my endometriosis had returned.

I asked about IUI's. Would they work with me? Was it even an option? He told me that it was worth a try but he felt like I needed a specialist now. So he referred me to one of the many places around here. I will bring a copy of my file and borrow my endometriosis pictures and share my story with a new doctor. We scheduled a pap in March so we can talk about what my new plan will be.

I was excited leaving there but nervous that it would take months to get an appointment. I called yesterday. JANUARY 29th!!!!! Grumps and I will sit and talk and hopefully get an even better game plan together. IUIs? or maybe a lap first? I am not sure but the plan is now in action. My clock is seriously ticking!!!!

Christmas Newsletters

We used to love sending out newsletters when we lived in the armpit of South America. Grumps would work long and hard and everyone would beg for more.

When we moved back to a normal life the letters slowly stopped. People would ask for them but we really didn't have anything to say but I always looked forward to getting letters and keeping up with people.

Last year I wrote our letter for the first time. Grumps takes weeks; I took 5 minutes. I just laid it all out there. I was tired of family and friends wondering why we put a picture of our dog on our card and not children. I said, "I found out that I have endometriosis. We have been trying to have children for a few years and are waiting for our little miracle. Blah blah blah." Grumps was happy that it was out there. It was never really brought up again.

This year we had plans to send a picture of us and my big belly to announce that we were having our miracle. OOPS to that thought! Now we are doing nothing.

Yesterday as you may have read we got my in law's Christmas letter. As I was reading I was SHOCKED to say the least at my little blurb.

"Grumps and Sunny blessed us with a visit this summer and we all spent a few days on Vancouver Island together, hiking and enjoying the beaches. We celebrated their news that Sunny was early in a pregnancy, but were saddened a few weeks later when the tiny life didn't survive. We continue to pray with them for a family."

She went on to talk about our jobs and her issues and whatever. I know that her intentions were for me to know that my baby was missed BUT I think that is a little private. I think it deserves to be asked if it could be written about. She asked if she could write something about Grumps' job. I am not one to get upset and speak my mind or be hurt. BUT I am just a little beside myself.

As for all the other letters, sorry to say that they were skimmed. I did keep all the address hoping that next year we have something to write about.

side note, driving home today I wished that everyone would lose power but me. I am tired of the lights and holly jolly crap!!!

Home

I stayed home today from work. I am a teacher and that is a hard task to do. But I knew that I just wouldn't make it.

I wasn't feeling well but not just physically. I fell the fake mask crumbling. I feel myself falling quickly apart.

I talked with friends today. It is therapy for me. But I still have a heavy heart.

I actually shed a few tears today. I usually tear up when I talk to people. I tear up when I am in public but in private I am dry. It felt good to just cry a bit.

I cried to God. I told Him how I was so tired. I was tired of trying. I wasn't even sure I want a child anymore. We all know that I do but... The burden is too heavy these days. I would love to take a break from it all. I would love to put my thermometer back in the drawer but the fact that my endometriosis grows more and more with each cycle, it really makes me afraid.

I am just thankful that I took time for me today. I am feeling better. I really am.

*I am still not caught up with all my tv though. :)

Each Cycle

Will I be sad?

That is the question Grumps asked me today. YES I cried. I will be sad each time until I get my miracle and keep it. How can I not be sad?

Grumps has no clue and I told him that. He doesn't feel the cramps, the change, the tenderness that makes me continue to wonder. He doesn't check his temperature each morning. He doesn't watch the cervical mucus change. He just baby dances.

I know it is hard on him BUT if I want to be sad each month I have the right to be. I told him that he needed to take care of me each time I get sad. I shouldn't feel guilty when I have a sad day.

With my friend and her heartache and all the pregnant woman surrounding me I feel like I am drowning. I know I will stay a float. I always do. I know I will try again each month. I know that I will keep trying. BUT it hurts every time. It hurts more and more and more.

The endo grows back more and more each month. People continue to lap me each month. I feel more alone each month.

I was hoping to give a present at Christmas to my family. I was hoping to be 3 months pregnant. I was hoping to share the news. I was hoping to be able to hold my new nephew without crying. Yes, I have 2 more months until Christmas but the doubt has set in.

By the way, my temperature dropped and I started spotting.

The Advice Just Keeps On Coming

Now that I am fully trying again, the advice has started to pour in like the pre-Lupron days.

You would think that people would think before they speak. You would also think that they were smarter than they really are.

I had endometriosis. I was on an awful drug. I am trying to get my hormones leveled. I think I know what I am doing by now. BUT people still try to help with stupid words.

*Relax and it will happen.

*You know that stress will really mess up your body.

*Enjoy the ride and forget about the planning and work.

*Have sex and don't plan it.

*It will happen when it happens.

*Start working towards adopting.

*Then your mind will be off trying to get pregnant and onto adopting.

*A study was done on people who began adopting and got pregnant during the process.

SHUT UP!!!! I know that they are only trying to help. They want to feel like they are involved. They really want me to have a child. They continued to tell me that over and over again.

*You will be a wonderful mother.

*You need to be a mom some way some how.

So I know that they mean well but you would think that all the advice would stop now.

As I hugged everyone goodbye for the summer everyone told me that they hoped I had good news and a belly when school starts back. Now those are sweet words.

Infertility Everywhere #2

The other day I was in the office at work thanking my principal and AP for letting us wear jeans. I told them how I needed to go and buy a jeans for this special day since I look awful in mine. I then said that it is because of the hormones and stupid menapausal drug. My principal says, "Lupron?"

I was shocked! I had a feeling that she had maybe had infertility problem since she had a little girl and was older. But it could have been because of her career. I was right with my first thought. She tried for 6 years to have a baby. She had endometriosis and fibroids. She had been on Lupron. None of that worked for her. Finally she did IVF. She was blessed with the most precious little girl.

Her words of wisdom for me were, NEVER GIVE UP! It is worth all the pain and trails.

Her kind words and caring eyes gave me hope! I am near the end. I will not give up!

My Insides

Sorry for the complaining ahead of time but it just seemed like here was a good place to place them.

My insides hurt. My lovely green goo is gone but the cramping is still here. My lower back hurts. My ovaries or at least that area hurts. It is like I am ovulating but way more intense.

Of course my thoughts go to the worst. I keep thinking that my insides are rotting away. Grumps on the other hand says that it is the Lupron eating the bad stuff away. Logic tells me the eating part should be done by now. Am I dying?

I know that I say that in jest but seriously why do I hurt? Infection? I need to call my doctor but we know how great they are about returning my phone calls, not to mention the holiday is coming up.

Anyone out there have any great sound advice?

My Wait

After my final test and they discovered my endo the doctor and I sat down for a talk. I was hoping that he would say that he was able to remove it all and now lets start trying again. WRONG! Of course I went to the doctor again alone to hear my outcome. I wish I had brought someone just to tell me what the doctor had said. My brain was mush.

The endo covered my kidneys, lover, bladder, the wall of my insides (I am sure it has a nice technical name that starts with a p), on one of my ovaries and everywhere else it could have found a nice home. I am blessed for the fact that my tubes are clear. I have no adhesions or scaring. I just have this crap all over the place. It is like a spiderweb of sickness.

My treatment: LUPRON, the drug from hell. This drug stops your cycle and puts you into a menopausal state. I am on a 9 month treatment. Most people only do 6 months. But I guess I have a better chance at 9. When you think about it, my treatment is the length of pregnancy. Nice thought! So now you know the reason for my wait, the long wait!

I have found that during this wait I had to decide on the attitude I would take. I could be miserable or I could have a good time. The good time was my decision. What can I learn from this wait about myself? What does God want to teach me? How can I grow through this?

This is my wait of growth!

The Testing

For those of you who are trying and are in this process you know what I mean about the testing. Now for those who aren't on this journey like me let me give you a peak into the madness.

It all begins with that first meeting with the doc. We start making a plan. Of course he wants you to start charting. Charting is when you get your lovely thermometer and take your nice temperature before you get your butt out of bed or move too much. It sounds easy but oh no, it is maddening. I am one who has to pee in the night. There is no way I can hold it. So you need a temperature after 4 hours of sleep. That is hard to get sometimes. NOW you may ask, what do you do with that temperature? If you are like me you start the old fashioned you... you chart on paper as your temperature goes up and down. You want to see if and when you ovulate, your temp will spike up and stay up for 3 days when you do O. It all sounds so easy but that chart doesn't always agree with you. It goes all over the place. Man is it ever frustrating. It even becomes stressful and makes you go crazy. Hopefully as you chart for those 3 months you find a good computer program on the web that can help you keep from cheating on that paper. How crazy you become when you start moving that dot of temperature to the place you want it to go. BAD but it does happen!

Along with the charting you do some blood work to check out your levels and thyroid. I am sure a few other things but I didn't bother to ask. All I wanted was a tiny answer, nothing too big. I got a call from the nurse after my bloodwork. She said that they found a problem. Of course I am on my cell phone with her on my way home from work. I had to pull into a gas station because I just knew that some how that little problem was HUGE! My thyroid was off. I needed additional bloodwork done from an endocrinologist. SCARY is all I thought. So my testing journey moved me onto another doctor who took more blood and asked more questions. I was put on a drug to balance that out. I was so excited! This was my answer. Of course this was 2 years ago. Not the answer I was hoping for.

During my first round of testing my husband had to do his own. He had to go 'jerky lurky' in a closet with lovely magazines. We were hoping for a good count. I offered to help but he wanted to do it on his own. The results came back and they needed another test! I laughed. So bad of me. The next test showed that there was a small problem. We thought that was the reason. He was sent to another doctor to see or feel what could be wrong. All of that ended up with 'all is fine, we both just have a small problem and need to do the do everyday'! Whatever to that!

Since all of that turned up nothing we moved on to me having an hsg. Of course I don't know what those letters mean. I could look it up but it isn't important to me. But here is how it all works... You go to a radiological and they check out your tubing. You get undressed, put on the paper gown, lay on the cold table that doesn't have stirrups, listen to the doctor tell you how they haven't done many of these, open up, clench the air as the doc puts in the small spaghetti sized tube into your cervix with a little balloon at the end, then move up the table with something up in you. I have to stop there since my tube popped out and the day got very unhappy with me. Yeah like I popped it out on purpose! So we start all over again, then the dye. Man the dye hurts like crazy! CRAMP CRAMP CRAMP city! Not only does it hurt but you have to roll over on each side and watch the dye run through your tubes. MY TUBES WERE CLEAR! That is what I wanted to hear. Now you have to get off the table walk to the bathroom while the dye runs out and you get to put the world's largest pad on and walk out of the office trying not to let the world know you are wearing a diaper.

Now what do you do when all the tests are clear? What is the problem? Well I was overwhelmed and took a break. It also didn't help that my husband was not around much and doing the do on the right time seemed impossible.

The next step was the final test, a laparoscopy. They put you under and put a scope through your belly while filling it full of air. They also put a 'probe' in (you like my technical talk) on one side of your belly. I had 3 probes and one in my hoohoo! This process can take up to 1 1/2 hours or just 30 minutes. Mine was the full time. The doc takes pictures of your insides as he tries to remove any 'bad stuff'. Well I had bad stuff for sure! I had endometriosis everywhere. The worse case he had ever seen. He shares this with my family as I try to wake up. As I am waking up I am HURTING like I had sex with an elephant. Of course I yell that a few times that day to whoever would listen. The recovery is a lot longer than I had planned but it gave me time to be taken care of by my mom and feel super loved.

Now with the discovery of the problem the testing stops and the treatment begins. The testing journey can be different for each person. Some doctors do the bloodwork and then move on to treatment and drugs. I am glad mine kept testing even though it was painful each step of the way.