Kyle XY

It has been awhile. Once again I find myself exhausted when I get home. Teaching and waddling along takes lots of energy.

Back to my title... If you have watched Kyle XY you will know Kyle is missing something on his body. Any guesses? Yep, his belly button. Mine is GONE! I rubbed my belly today and it felt weird. I then realized I didn't have a belly button anymore. It made me laugh and then made me make everyone around me feel. I know soon it will pop out in a very scary way especially since I am on 23 weeks.

This past week would have been my angels birthday. Healing has taken place because I didn't remember the day. I actually had to go back through my blog to find it. I knew the week but not the day. Each day as I felt these little lives move I thought of my sweet angel baby. 'She' would have been 2. Still breaks my heart. BUT I am pretty sure if we had our little one we wouldn't be having these two miracles. It is just hard all around. The bottom line, I am blessed.

I have my first shower on Friday. I NEVER thought it would be my time. I actually feel guilty and scared about it all. I know MANY who deserve this more. Every day I wake up and have to remind myself I am pregnant. This is real. I still can't wrap my mind around it. Along with the fear of the shower, the nursery is up and under construction. Baby clothes are coming in. I got the bedding in yesterday. One day little ones will be living in there. I can barely go in the room. I am totally whacked!

Back to the belly... I can't wait for warmer weather so I can start wearing dresses. My clothes are starting to get small again. This belly is taking over. I don't remember life without it. I might waddle. My clothes might be limited. But I am in love with this belly and the life that lives inside.

Moving Foward in Faith

Every day my thoughts begin with a rub and a prayer... These babies will LIVE to declare the works of the Lord. Then I take a moment to just breathe. Then as the day goes on thoughts go to the what ifs. It is a very hard balance.

I went 'shopping' this weekend with D. Looking at cribs, bedding, you name it. The last time I had walked into that store was right before we lost our little angel to heaven. What an overwhelming moment and day. I got home exhausted. Nothing was purchased but ideas began. Before I left to shop I asked Grumps if I could buy the cribs if I found them. His reply, "I guess we could return them if something happened." Grumps is feeling it too.

We have had to just move forward in faith. God has this in HIS HANDS! I can't doubt. I can't be moved. We have to hold steady. When we finally talked about it all, Grumps seemed to begin to connect with the reality. He even brought up some name ideas. It felt good.

Tonight I made my first purchase. We don't have cute little names for our twins. We call them baby a and baby b. So lame BUT in our lameness I felt onesies that say just that, Baby A and Baby B. I can't wait to get the little package in the mail.

I am truly over the moon with these little miracles. Yes I am blah at times. Pregnancy is tough. But I KNOW it will be so worth it in the end.

Can You Read My Mind?

Sorry for leaving everyone hanging with the sad news part. I had started this post but after a couple of drinks it began to make no sense.

On returning home from our family trip my mom called. She sounded strange but those days happen. She goes on to tell me my sister in law has miscarried.

Just last week I spent an entire week with a beautifully pregnant woman with a very cute son, my nephew. I wasn't prepared for this news.

She had gone in for a regular appointment to only discover the baby had died almost 3 weeks earlier. She was all alone.

Has someone been in my head reading my thoughts? Never did I wish a miscarriage but I did wonder when she was super sick the last day that maybe something wasn't right. You know, we IFer's who have experiences miscarriages only think the bad. Of course I also had thought, "why are you having a second child when your first is out of control and drives you nuts?" She had even said that the week before was the worst week of her life.

I really believe someone is in my head. I never wanted this to happen but how awful to feel relief with it. I had wanted a chance to have my time. See I am such a bad person!

Yet through all of this I can only hope my mom will learn more about what I went through. Once again, selfish! I told mom to ask if she could spread the news. My brother doesn't need to have to make those calls. I also told mom to tell people to send cards and flowers. Someone died, they deserved to be remembered.

I did my part. I gave advice to my mom. I sent flowers. I called my SIL and left a message. I have prayed for her. My heart truly does break for her. It is sad. I even thought, why do bad things happen to good people because she really has a heart of gold. Unlike my black heart. HA!

Deep Within the Vault

I have been wanting to do this for a long time. Of course being a teacher limits most of any blogging for me. I go on a blogging spree and then onto a dry spell. SO I have decided to make Friday Open Up the Vault Day!

I have 325 published posts and 24 unpublished posts. 24 isn't a lot, neither is 325. BUT there are some thoughts in the vault which no one has seen. Some of those thoughts might only be a title. Others are a sentence or two. Then there are the big posts. Lots of rambling words.

*Disclaimer* many of these posts were written in a very dark time. I have included the date so you can go back to my other posts and put this one into perspective if you would like or not. I am going to start with my first draft post! I have no clue what it will be. It could be STUPID or whatever.

8/16/06 10:43 AM

Our Little One

All there was in the vault of Blogger was a title. I remember writing this. I remember having tears. I needed to just put those words out there into space, onto my monitor, out of my head. I wanted to tell my little one how much I missed 'her'. I was in such pain. I had just had my d&c. All my thoughts were consumed with this title. I couldn't type out any more that day. The title haunted me for weeks. I had too many words, emotions, feelings to put them out for the world to read.

Come back next Friday to enter the vault with me. HA!

Your Haunting Memories

In IF what are the memories that haunt you?

I have a few...

I feel like I have had sex with an elephant after my lap. I hear my doctor tell me as I am coming out of it all, "I am sorry to say, this is the worst endo I have ever seen." WOW my breath was gone!

The day that ended it all, there was no heartbeat. Then to have it confirmed. I couldn't even look at the screen. Grumps stayed on the other side of the room afraid to look at me or the screen. I told the tech, "We know there won't be a heartbeat. We just need it confirmed." The tech's face said it all with each snap on the machine.

Finally the day which really sticks out is having Grumps finding me in the bathtub with no water crying hysterically on our baby's due date.

What are your haunting memories?

I wrote this post a couple of weeks ago when I was feeling blue. This morning, not so blue. I couldn't leave it on a blue note.
Of course I have good memories too.

Finding support and community in a way I never thought possible in all areas of my life.

Seeing Pregnant for the first time. I jumped around the house for hours whispering the words.

The day Grumps and I dtd in the car on the way home from wine tasting. When we were finished I stuck my feet out of the car and lifted my butt to make sure I was elevated.

The Bookstore

The other day Grumps and I went to one of the big chain bookstores. I LOVE BOOKS! But I hate big bookstores. I get lost. I feel overwhelmed. I don't even know where to begin my journey.

I hit the front displays. I browse through the sale items. I move onto the recent paperbacks. I find myself walking through the mysteries. Next is the self helps. Finally the 'naughty' books.

Well today I did my usual walk. I found a couple of maybe books. I decided to be naughty early on during my walk. I didn't last long there. There was some gross guy following me and standing nearby. No thank you! I ended up at the fertility section. Guess what I found? Yep I found a miscarriage book right next to a Get Pregnant Naturally book. I almost threw up in my mouth and then spewed it in laughter. I couldn't wait to run and tell Grumps. Who thought of that mix? But it didn't surprise me. That right there is an infertile's life. STUPID!

By the way, I ended up buying one of those mystery books. I carried it over to the big stuffed chairs to read a bit. I actually fell asleep. THEN I found the nasty man sitting close by with his own naughty book taking notes. I got up to leave after that. It was just too much for one night!

Catching Up

First, I blog in my head. Yep I blog all day in my head. My favorite place to blog is in the shower. I create posts. Many of them just stay in my head. Others get typed out and never posted. I am tempted to just post all of them with the dates attached. Some of them I am afraid to post. Others are really low places. Many are just stupid and I am embarrassed. So dumb. It is my blog. I should feel more confident. So I have been blogging in my head. Here are some of my thoughts.

My summer is over and all I can think about is last year at this time. Last year I was so afraid to go back to work. I was afraid everyone could read my mind and know I had been pregnant. I was sad. I wasn't myself. I just sat in silence during all the meetings. Now this year, I am afraid people will ask if I am pregnant. I am not sure I why I am afraid. I just don't want to look pregnant. I am far from pregnant. Can I just stop the clocks and keep living this summer over and over again? I have loved it to the fullest!

My little nephew has won my heart. Once again last year when I got the call that he was born I cried and cried. It was so hard to hear about someone having a baby and being so full of joy when I had lost mine. My mom let me know my sister in law and brother needed more things for the boy. During my loss I had to buy more baby gifts. I cried and cried during that too. Now a year later I am in love with that little fellow.

When I helped keep in at the beginning of the summer I was so afraid of being with him. It didn't take long to fall in love. It was very bittersweet. I would hold him, rock him, tell him secrets. He would respond and laugh and hold me tight. I wanted to keep him for myself. Now I just spent some time buying him things for his 1st birthday. It wasn't hard. I LOVED IT! I wasn't bitter. I wasn't sad. I was happy to have in my life. I couldn't stop spending money. I wish I could show you his cute picture for his invite. He looks like my brother at that age. Priceless grin with new teeth, almost white blond hair, and a cute full face. It makes me wish we lived closer. I would love to hear him say, "Aunt Sunny!"

Childhood friends are far and few for me. I keep up with them from a distance. I moved too many times in my life to keep up with people. I wish I could go back and get clothes to many of them again. But too much time has passed. We aren't the same people. Some times it makes me sad.

If you made it through this post I applaud you! BORING would be my thoughts. I just had to get these 'posts' out of my head and onto my blog.

A Million Thoughts

All surrounding the same theme...

My little angel.

All week I have been thinking about last year at this time. The days and dates consume my thoughts throughout my day. You want to take a peak into what I have been thinking about? Here goes:

Monday, a year ago, I wasn't feeling myself. Actually I felt sick at one point during my day. I am almost positive my little angle left me that day.

Today, a year ago, I didn't need a nap. When I was pregnant I would have a 2 hour nap a day. This day I never got tired, even as I and I shopped our hearts out.

Tomorrow, we went to the doctor expecting to see our little one with a HUGE heartbeat. Instead I felt the world standstill. No heartbeat. My world felt like it was coming to an end.

Saturday, a year ago, our worst fear was confirmed. No more baby.

Tuesday, a year ago, it all ended with a d&c.

I can't stop thinking about it. I really don't want to stop thinking about last year. It sounds crazy but I want to remember and honor the little bit of life we had for that split second.

Today Grumps and I cleaned the house. I put things away and sorted out all of our junk. In the process I came across the many cards given to us during that sad time. I wiped the dust off our only u/s picture. I haven't put it away. How can I? When will I be able to? I know D still has her u/s pictures on her refrigerator. It all makes me so sad.

Tomorrow we plan to go out and celebrate/mourn our little angel. I would much rather have 'her' in my arms instead.

The other night on So You Think You Can Dance, there was a dance and song that touched my soul. It was about a father and daughter meeting again in heaven after he had died. I could only think about my angel. One day I will see her again.

Time by Billy Porter

Bored of Refreshing

I find myself getting WAY behind on my blog reading. I work hard to catch up and not feel overwhelmed. I know, so stupid! But when I finally catch up I am constantly refreshing everything in hopes to read something new.

Does anyone else have this problem?

So if you are bored of refreshing, take a moment to check out my shared items on the right hand side of my blog. You might have already read them in your blogroll but if not, they are great inspiring reads. I am just too lazy to give shout outs to them in person!

I will be going out of town next week. Visiting the inlaws. I am hoping my mind doesn't start thinking about what is upcoming, our m/c anniversary. We should be bringing a baby with us on this trip. SUCKS!

A Great Year HA!

I still receive adds, coupons and fliers in the mail for 'our baby'. They don't bother me any more. I have been getting them forever. It is my own stupid fault. I know we have chatted about this before. Remember me getting the box of formula on my due date?

I also continue to get babystyle emails. I can't get rid of them. I have points saved up. My little bit of hope stored down near my toenails thinks I could get pregnant and use them again.

SO today I get an email... "Thanks for a great year!" Well it wasn't that great of a year for me. Maybe for them. I am sure they had amazing business. It goes on to further kill me...

Happy anniversary as a member of babystyle Rewards!

To celebrate we're giving you 50 FREE points
toward earning money-saving perks like FREE
Shipping, FREE Gift Wrap, and FREE Gifts!

Any points you earned over the last year have expired, but
your new FREE points will give you a head start on the next
12 months.

I guess I was stupid! I lost my points. But we are celebrating the shitty year with 50 new points. Last year on this very day I was worrying about my numbers not doubling. I stepped out in faith and bought some clothes after seeing the sweet heartbeat just 2 days later.

I guess it is time to unsubscribe. STUPID STUPID STUPID!~

Yep you saw it here! 2 posts in one day!

Shout Outs!

I am late on my shout outs! I just haven't been in the mood to blog. We discussed this already.

First LJ I had a BLAST with you and D the other night! The atmosphere, food, music, but most of all the company was wonderful. I loved meeting you and hearing your story in real life. THANK YOU for letting us know about the concert.

I had a WONDERFUL time with the DC girls! It is awesome to see bloggers in real life. It is amazing how you totally can come across as you on a blog. I can't wait to meet up again. I hope more can join next time!

Finally THANK YOU for the most amazing words ever written about my angel post on the Roundup Extravaganza. The anniversary of losing our angel to heaven is coming in the next couple of weeks. Thank you for honoring it.

We are heading out of town next week. I am sure I will have to really work hard not to relive last year over and over again. We went on the same trip visiting family last year. We told them all about our pregnancy. It will be bittersweet returning without our little one or even not being pregnant. Such is life!

Here and There

I haven't been thinking about infertility and all my issues lately. Therefore, not blogging.

OKAY that is a lie. I never stop thinking about it but I have been too busy to be smart, witty or blogging. I have posts brewing in my head but nothing solid to put out. Do any of you do this?

I have been traveling here and there. I was in Kansas this past weekend. Camping this weekend with Grumps. Next weekend a wedding at the beach. My last big trip will be to the lovely inlaws in Canada. BUSY!

Yes I still think about my life and infertility and all that jazz. I watch friends be with their children and feel jealousy for a split second. I long for the love they show and receive. Then I see people who truly do not deserve children. In fact they have them taken away because they aren't fit. Grumps said to me, "How does that work? They can't take care of children and we don't have them but want them." It never makes sense.

This week Aunt Flow is late and hope rises. There is more doubt now with each late day than ever before. I am okay with that, protection. She showed today. I didn't cry or get sad. We really are not trying very hard. I give it a try once in the small little window. I can't be absorbed. I just can't during The Summer of Sunny!!! So I am toasting to AF today with good wine.

Did anyone watch Heartland on TNT this week? Part of the story dealt with infertility. Comparing physical pain with mental anguish. Makes you think. Breaks your heart. Feels good to not be alone, to be talked about on tv.

See I told you in my title this post would be full of here and there's. I am just trying hard not to think too much. Maybe it is because a year ago this week I found out I was pregnant. It haunts me. I have looked back at my posts. I think back how it felt to share the news. The phone calls, the jumps for joys, the smiles. It hurts. I have let my life slip a little bit. I was asked recently, "What has happened to you? You aren't the person I knew before." Yep I have changed. I wish it didn't happen but it did. I will never be the same.

MAN I didn't want to get heavy. I didn't want to think. Back to toasting to AF!

Breathing Air Again

by Robbie Seay Band



This song touched me deep inside. It is what I want to do. I want to breath again. I want to enjoy my life, my husband, my friends, ME!

There are days I feel like I can barely breath. I am just floating by. The other day we went to K's pool to enjoy the day. Grumps played with Little Man for hours in the water. Never complaining but laughing as if he were 3 1.2 too. I held Chunks and thought about if my angel were here they would be playmates. It was a wonderful day but I wanted to float away. I laid in the pool floating hearing only my breathing thinking about my life. I am tired of dwelling on what I don't have and enjoy what I do have.

I know I will have moments of gasping for air from time to time. A year ago I was just finding out I was pregnant. Our miscarriage date is coming up in a month. I know those days will be hard but I can't live there all the time.

I am back to my walks. Listening to uplifting music while I pray for others and will the fat away off my butt. Grumps and I have been spending more quality time together. We payed dominoes for hours the other night on our deck listening to great music, laughing, and enjoying the night. I have been spending more time with friends. I LOVE MY FRIENDS! I even called my MIL the other day. I knew she needed a little pick me up. I gave her an hour of my time. I just want to live my life like this song this summer.

I want to breath again!

Being Alone

With Mother's Day here all I can think about is my little one who should be in my arms. D's little ones who should be in her arms. All the little babies that have been dreamed about, longed for, and even felt but lost to a better place.

Grumps and I went flower shopping today. He is the one who plants all the flowers in the flower beds. I just refill his glass with his beverage of choice. I don't like getting dirty. I didn't really want to go out today. I knew what I would see. But he wanted me there to help make decisions even though he is always the final voice of wisdom. He really wanted me there to guard his cart. Last year he went alone and his flowers were stolen.

I knew that I would see fathers with their little ones picking out potted flowers and what nots for their mothers. I knew that I would see mothers picking out what would go in the flower beds this year. I knew I would see signs for Mother's Day lunch all around. But I went anyway. It was bittersweet. With the windows down and the music playing I let the wind touch my skin and remind me that I have a good thing. An amazing husband. Tears still welled up in my eyes thinking about this year.

I should have been holding my little one in my arms while we went shopping. We would have giggled. Grumps would have talked to 'her' about why we should get this flower over that one. We would have set outside together watching Grumps plant them instead of just me and the dog.

On the way home a song came on my iPod that I hadn't really listened to before. The words hit home. I am sure the song has nothing to do with infertility. It just spoke to me today. I love my life. I have an amazing life. I just don't want to be alone one day. I want my child to help take care of me. Selfish but true. I don't want to ever be alone.

The last line rings so true these days. "I am not afraid of drowning. It's the breathing that's taking all this work."

Angel after Angel

I always wanted to walk this hard walk with a friend who totally understood in every way. D became that friend. We have carried each other through many tough spots.

D and I were supposed to be pregnant together. I would have been 2 weeks behind her if my IUI had worked. We were both sad to know that our plans didn't work.

I was so happy to know she was going to have her baby in her arms in December. I was a little jealous. I was a little sad knowing that our friendship would change but I was so happy!

Today she found out that she is losing another angel to heaven. Her third angel.

I now wish she never knew what it felt like. I wish she never had to walk this awful road. I wish her dreams would come true the first time like most people. I wish she could have her dream and I could have mine.

D now has 3 angels. 3 precious little ones to play with my baby. I cannot wait until the day I can hold her babies in my arms and listen to their giggles.

D I LOVE YOU! I am here for you but I know I don't even need to tell you that.

This sucks so drinks are on me!

Barren Bitches Book Tour 3: The Time Traveler's Wife

I read The Time Traveler's Wife last year before I had a miscarriage myself. It touched me to the core of my being. I fell in love with the characters and found myself pleading God for a different ending. After my own loss of an angel to heaven I began to think about this book again and again. It began to haunt me. I had an even more connection with it. This is a book that should be read over and over to be reminded of love and loss.

Take some time to read the questions and comment as they touch you. If you haven't read the book, do. You will never be the same.

Don't forget to hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Waiting for Daisy by Peggy Orenstein.

Onto the questions!!!

Loss (and unrealized dreams) are a theme in this story -- Henry loses his mother, Clare loses Henry often and sometimes for long stretches, Clare's grandmother loses her brother and her husband, etc. At one point, her grandmother asks Clare, "do you ever miss him?" She replies, "every day, every minute. Every minute, yes that's the way, isn't it?" ... Self-pity floods me as though I've been injected with it. It's that way, isn't it? Isn't it?" How has your loss and/or unrealized dream changed you?

I have been talking and thinking about this very thought all week. Before my unrealized dream of having a family and the loss of my little one to heaven I was every one's cheerleader. I was full of hope and optimism. I never wavered in doubt or faith. I ALWAYS saw the silver lining. Now that I am still waiting while many others have moved on to their dreams I am changed. I don't see the world quite the same. I still have a positive attitude but it is very guarded. I still cheer others on but deep inside I have a little doubt that never was there before. I long for the old me sometimes. I am not sure I like how I am changed.

That is the ugly change that has happened. I keep that part a secret. It only comes out when I am low and blue. I believe that there has been good change. I value life more. I cherish my friendships to a greater regard. I work hard to find the little blessings that are in my life that before would have gone unnoticed. I have compassion and understanding because I have felt loss. I now know what it means for God to be my everything.

If someone told you with certainty that you will have a baby sometime in the near future, like Clare was told, how would that affect you? Would it change your approach to cycling?

My hope would be restored. I would have a new strength to push forward past the loss and pain and disappointment. Knowing that my dream would be coming true at some point would give me the reason not to stop. But I also believe that it would drive me crazy each month even more. I would wonder if this was the month. I also wonder if I would relax or do the opposite and work harder, which is funny since you can only do so much in order to conceive. I also wonder if I would question the person as time went on and my dream still hadn't come true.

Now if only we could find that person who could tell me my future. :)

For Henry, time travel is a heavy burden; because of this, he is very reluctant to pass down his gene mutation to his offspring - particularly when it results in multiple miscarriages. Do you think Clare is being irresponsible in pushing to have a biological child that is both a part of she and Henry? Or is it more than being a parent in which she covets?

I believe that Clare is going with her heart. She longs to hold onto a part of Henry, hoping that the part of Henry that would be in her child would never leave her. She has always had Henry throughout her life, something that many of us never have experienced. I am sure she knows that he won't be with her for forever. Always having someone and then never having them there with you for the rest of time could destroy a person. I believe she never gave up hope and stopped trying for her biological child because it would mean she would be letting go of Henry forever.

If you read the book without knowing about the pregnancy/miscarriage aspect of the storyline, how did you feel when you got to that part of the story? If you were unprepared for that aspect of the storyline, did you find it particularly jarring or upsetting? Or, if you read the book already knowing about this storyline, do you think that changed how you reacted to it? Did you find the pregnancy/miscarriage aspect made you relate to the characters more?

When I read this book I had no idea what to expect. I had yet to have had a pregnancy/miscarriage. When I got to the part of the story where Clare had had many miscarriages and then woke up covered in blood I was so upset for her. I knew the longing that she had for that cycle to work. I cried and cried for her feeling the pain and sadness. I felt so empty for her. So hopeless. I began to beg for it to end and for her to have her dream. When she finally was pregnant again I worried for her. I was waiting for something awful to happen. When it never did I was so relieved.

Having this be a major part of the storyline helped me to have an even deeper connection with the book. I became Clare. I became Henry. I felt their pain. I felt my own pain.

My Angel

Dear Mama and Daddy,

Don't let them say I never lived,
Though something stopped my heart,
I felt the tenderness you gave,
I loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold,
It doesn't mean I'm gone,
I will remain within your heart,
I promise to live on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face,
You have my word, I'll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was "meant to be
God doesn't make mistakes",
But that won't soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,
Another child you'll bear,
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There'll come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips,
And then you'll understand.

Although I never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes,
That doesn't mean I never "was"
An angel never dies...

I love you...
your forever angel.

This poem was sent by I. She found it and changed it a touch. SO perfect for how I feel today. Today would have been the day I would have held my little one in my arms for the first time. I will light a candle for 'her' tonight.

A Quick Moment

I am going to blame this moment on strep throat, a headache, and upcoming family visiting.

After gathering laundry and listening to Grumps talk to his mom about me, I know that she is beginning to really worry about my upcoming week, I went to wash my face. Just a simple little task that I do every night. I go to dry my face and my face gets stuck in the towel. Stuck because I begin to cry. For a flash I think of what my belly would have looked like this week. I think of next week not as a sad week but a week that would have been. A week with a baby not company or dread. I gathered myself.

But the moment was there. Those moments scare me. You never know when they are going to come. You don't know how long they will stay.

HUGE Hope

There has been a lot of talk about hope around here lately.

After reading The Town Criers post on holding hope I haven't stopped thinking about it. I have talked about it with many friends. Today I was reminded of it again.

I have come to a place where my hope is only slightly there. You know the kind of hope that makes you keep temping or making a wish on a star or birthday candles. The hope you give to others that really is only a kind gesture at times. But not the HUGE hope that is needed to make your world fall apart if it doesn't happen.

I have been moving around in a very surface way. I know that my due date is approaching. I try not to think about it because I know what it will do to me. My IUI is coming up as well around the same time. We are putting out just a little bit of money for this one. Of course Grumps doesn't like that the money goes out even if we get something in return. I don't want to have HUGE hope. I just want to have little hope like a balloon flying in the air. I know that the balloon will not stay blown up forever. I even know that there is a chance it could fly away right from my fingers. That is the kind of hope I have right now.

I have decided to give my HUGE hope to my friends. D is holding it right now. I gave it to her for safe keeping. I am holding hers. Right now she is using my HUGE hope towards this current cycle I am in. My HUGE hope is believing that I am pregnant right now without even having to do my IUI. I can't think that. D is thinking it for me. I laugh every time she brings it up. See I gave her that HUGE hope for a reason. She holds it well.

Who is holding your HUGE hope for safe keeping? Or are you holding someone else's because it is easier than holding your own?

Grieving Early

Grumps is gone for the weekend. I have a cold. My plan has been to stay in all day and not face the world. Not a bad plan. We all know I LOVE my bed time with my TiVo.

Today I decided to not only just veg out but to begin grieving a bit. I know it sounds crazy and silly. How do you plan your grieving time? Well I haven't. I have had moments in the car on the way to work. We all know about the other night when I cried myself to sleep. Today really wasn't any different. I guess I didn't plan it. Well maybe I did.

My best friend I sent me a package this week. She had warned me of the package. I knew in my heart that one was coming. She told me it was for the 20th, my due date. She told me to open it whenever I wanted but to be warned. I planned in my head after that conversation to open it today. I am alone. I needed to be alone when I opened it. I didn't want Grumps eyes staring to see if I cried like he does when we watch a movie and it gets to a sad part. I wanted to cry and cry ugly if I needed to. You know the cry? Ugly faces, ugly sobs, gut wrenching cry.

This morning after taking Itsy out I took the package upstairs with me to bed. I gave myself time to ease into opening it. I knew that it would be special and precious and hard all in one. I ripped the box open. Yes, ripped it! Inside were the most amazing gifts full of heart and love and the things only a best friend could send.

A candle with the perfect message from "my angel". We will light it on the 20th. Then I will light it when I need too.

A little box with a poem about tears. Inside was a pin with little footprints from my angel.

Then the book. I scrapbooks amazing things. I know how much her heart went into it. It was a very small little book with memories written on the front. Inside has pictures from those 2 amazing months. A picture of my baby, the gift I gave Grumps with the first pregnancy test. All 3 tests I took to convince Grumps that it was real and my last belly shot. No words, just pictures. I told me later that she couldn't think of the words to add but then realized that the pictures speak for themselves.

I cried. I cried long and hard. I am still crying just typing this thinking about I's heart and my angel.

For the rest of the day I have just taken my time to do what I wanted to do. The weather is PERFECT outside. Seriously PERFECT! The windows are open. I am on my deck drinking wine, reading, and eating some yummy things (cookies that will add major pounds to my butt because I am a cookie monster.) I also have my favorite group blaring, The Wreckers. (Do you remember Felicity? Remember the episode when her roommate said that she knows what kind of mood she is according to which Sarah McLachlan cd was play? That is me with The Wreckers."

I am not depressed or blue. I am just grieving early. I need to give myself time to process not having my baby in my arms like I had dreamed. I need to come to grips that 'she' will never be here on earth with me. I just need this time for me.