Words of Comfort

On the day of what would have been my due date, a friend sent me a verse to encourage me. She had read it in The Message, a plain today's language version. It touched my heart. I wrote it out on a stickie and stuck it on my laptop.

I read it this morning and was reminded of God's grace and comfort. Today is a new day. I will pick myself up and dust myself off and move forward.

Matthew 5:3 and 4

"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and His rule.

You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you."

The Message

The Week

I have really wanted to blog for days. It is my little bit of therapy. I find that I usually feel WAY better after getting my thoughts out there to the world. There is something freeing about it.

This week has been very long and hard. Having family here really makes it tough to deal with grief and life. In a way it has been a great distraction. But it also has been very wearing.

I am very glad that Tuesday is over. I am also sad that it has come and gone. So sick how that works. I had a wonderful day getting a massage and having lunch and drinks with friends. I was surprised how during my massage I started to cry when she began to work on my arms. The thought that came to my mind was, "I should be holding a baby right now, NOT getting a massage." In fact during most of the massage I worked hard to clear my head. I found myself just thanking Jesus for my life. Then I would tear up again.

When I got home that evening I fell apart. I had flowers, cards, and emails from so many amazing friends. The love that surrounded me caused me to finally feel the sadness that I had been bottling up all day. I cried for hours. I cried so much that I just couldn't leave my room. Grumps was really wonderful. He gave me space when I needed it but also totally was there too.

Now that the 20th has come and gone I now get to obsess about this cycle. Tonight I gave myself my first injection. GO ME! I didn't even flinch! Grumps and I both prayed as I did it. Praying for it to work. Praying for amazing eggs. Praying for life to form soon. My hope is still being held tight by others but I am feeling it growing in me. My ultra sound is Sunday to see when I should trigger.

FINGERS CROSSED!!!

A Hard Evening

I had a great day.

Spa with D.

Lunch with D and K.

Drinks and more drinks.

Then I got home and felt more than loved.

I cried for hours.

I have so much to blog about. I will be back soon. I need a night to just be and then I will be back to share.

THANK YOU FOR THINKING OF ME AND LOVING ME AND BEING SO THERE FOR ME TODAY~

My Angel

Dear Mama and Daddy,

Don't let them say I never lived,
Though something stopped my heart,
I felt the tenderness you gave,
I loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold,
It doesn't mean I'm gone,
I will remain within your heart,
I promise to live on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face,
You have my word, I'll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was "meant to be
God doesn't make mistakes",
But that won't soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,
Another child you'll bear,
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There'll come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips,
And then you'll understand.

Although I never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes,
That doesn't mean I never "was"
An angel never dies...

I love you...
your forever angel.

This poem was sent by I. She found it and changed it a touch. SO perfect for how I feel today. Today would have been the day I would have held my little one in my arms for the first time. I will light a candle for 'her' tonight.

The Ball is Rolling

Today was day 3 of my cycle. As close as day 3 I could get. What does 'normal flow' mean for day 1 anyway? Grumps and I went in for my u/s and blood work to make sure I am not pregnant. HA! I still think that is funny. Ummm, flow is heavy, cramps are bad, Yep that means not pregnant!

I got my call letting me know that I could start taking my 50 whatever of Clomid tonight for the next 5 days. On day 9, that would be Friday, I give myself 150iu (I think that is right, the iu part) of Gonal F injection. I am a little nervous about mixing 2 powders into one shot. I hope I don't screw it up. THEN on Sunday I go for my next u/s to see when I need to trigger.

This morning we paid our lovely HUGE amount of money for our HOPEFULLY successful IUI. When I pulled the credit card out and the price was said verbally, I have seen it on paper many times, Grumps and I pretended that we never heard a thing.

My hope is very small again. I am not letting myself think about ANYTHING. No, this is going to work. OR this is so stupid and a waste of time. I am just letting it be. Going with the ride. Trying to get through this week. Counting down until Jamaica. Wanting a break!

Grumps sister and family are here. Please pray that I don't kill anyone or freak out now that I am on Clomid!

A Quick Moment

I am going to blame this moment on strep throat, a headache, and upcoming family visiting.

After gathering laundry and listening to Grumps talk to his mom about me, I know that she is beginning to really worry about my upcoming week, I went to wash my face. Just a simple little task that I do every night. I go to dry my face and my face gets stuck in the towel. Stuck because I begin to cry. For a flash I think of what my belly would have looked like this week. I think of next week not as a sad week but a week that would have been. A week with a baby not company or dread. I gathered myself.

But the moment was there. Those moments scare me. You never know when they are going to come. You don't know how long they will stay.

Grieving Early

Grumps is gone for the weekend. I have a cold. My plan has been to stay in all day and not face the world. Not a bad plan. We all know I LOVE my bed time with my TiVo.

Today I decided to not only just veg out but to begin grieving a bit. I know it sounds crazy and silly. How do you plan your grieving time? Well I haven't. I have had moments in the car on the way to work. We all know about the other night when I cried myself to sleep. Today really wasn't any different. I guess I didn't plan it. Well maybe I did.

My best friend I sent me a package this week. She had warned me of the package. I knew in my heart that one was coming. She told me it was for the 20th, my due date. She told me to open it whenever I wanted but to be warned. I planned in my head after that conversation to open it today. I am alone. I needed to be alone when I opened it. I didn't want Grumps eyes staring to see if I cried like he does when we watch a movie and it gets to a sad part. I wanted to cry and cry ugly if I needed to. You know the cry? Ugly faces, ugly sobs, gut wrenching cry.

This morning after taking Itsy out I took the package upstairs with me to bed. I gave myself time to ease into opening it. I knew that it would be special and precious and hard all in one. I ripped the box open. Yes, ripped it! Inside were the most amazing gifts full of heart and love and the things only a best friend could send.

A candle with the perfect message from "my angel". We will light it on the 20th. Then I will light it when I need too.

A little box with a poem about tears. Inside was a pin with little footprints from my angel.

Then the book. I scrapbooks amazing things. I know how much her heart went into it. It was a very small little book with memories written on the front. Inside has pictures from those 2 amazing months. A picture of my baby, the gift I gave Grumps with the first pregnancy test. All 3 tests I took to convince Grumps that it was real and my last belly shot. No words, just pictures. I told me later that she couldn't think of the words to add but then realized that the pictures speak for themselves.

I cried. I cried long and hard. I am still crying just typing this thinking about I's heart and my angel.

For the rest of the day I have just taken my time to do what I wanted to do. The weather is PERFECT outside. Seriously PERFECT! The windows are open. I am on my deck drinking wine, reading, and eating some yummy things (cookies that will add major pounds to my butt because I am a cookie monster.) I also have my favorite group blaring, The Wreckers. (Do you remember Felicity? Remember the episode when her roommate said that she knows what kind of mood she is according to which Sarah McLachlan cd was play? That is me with The Wreckers."

I am not depressed or blue. I am just grieving early. I need to give myself time to process not having my baby in my arms like I had dreamed. I need to come to grips that 'she' will never be here on earth with me. I just need this time for me.

Held

I need to be held tonight. I need to be held tight. I feel like I am unraveling. It just all hit me. Well maybe not. It has been slowly coming. The heaviness that sits on your chest. The feeling that you can't breathe.

I just need a moment for me. I need to go through my short little pile of memories from this summer. I need to look at the 'baby' picture and touch 'her' things. I need to just be.

I don't want to get here again. I don't want to sink low and not be able to get back out of the pits of despair. I have been so good. I have stayed high. PLEASE don't let me fall!

I hope this feeling lightens soon. I don't think I can hold on like this treading water and putting on my mask until April. I hope it is just a 'tonight' thing. The long days, the to do's and dates, the wine, the stress, the pms, Grumps.

I just need to be held tight tonight. Not by any flesh arms but supernatural arms. God's arms. I need to be held tight!

Hold me Jesus
by Rich Mullins

Well, sometimes my life
Just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

CHORUS:
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

CHORUS

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something
I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band
Is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

CHORUS

You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

The Day Is Coming

March 20th will be here so soon. Seeing K and her belly and hearing her say only 6 weeks to go, WOW I was trying to forget.

I started thinking about to the day I got my BFP. I thought I never would see that day. The emotions were crazy. I was on cloud nine with butterflies to beat all butterflies. I couldn't stop running and jumping through my house. I wanted to tell the world but also wanted to hold the news close to my heart.

Some days that day feels like a dream that I made up in my little infertile world.

Just like that amazing day I will never forget week 6 when my numbers weren't doubling. I thought we were losing our little angel to heaven. I cried like I have never cried before. Tears shook my body down to the very core of my being. I wanted to die. When I saw my little one's heart beating life filled me with hope again.

Then there was the day when there wasn't a heartbeat. I couldn't cry. The world stood still. I felt like I was drowning.

I wonder what March 20th will be. How will I remember that day? How will it mark my life?