Ask Me Answers: Part 1

Lets lighten the load. Clear the air. Have some fun! I am tired of being blue.

Back in August I asked for you to ask questions you want me to answer. The questions came in but then work started up. I decided to answer the questions in parts. This takes the pressure off of me.

So here is the first question: Where did you meet Grumps and what/where was your first date?

Grumps and I have known each other for 12 years. We have been married for 10. Back in 1996 I transferred to a small Christian school in northern Georgia as a junior. Grumps transferred already holding a degree but wanting a year of Bible and history.

At this small school they created groups to help everyone make friends. All of my roomies and sweetmates were in one group. I was alone in another group. I decided to just join them. We were all a bunch of transfers. At that first meeting Grumps set across from me. I thought, MAN he is cute BUT we aren't here to date but to go to school. After that night we all just started hanging out together. Grumps and I were the only ones who didn't work so we found ourselves always together. We couldn't get enough of each other.

I could go on and on about how so perfect it all fell into place. How God brought Grumps from one corner of North Amercia and me from the other side. How we just fit and I just knew. I don't want to bore you. You will just have to come visit me for a night of wine and talk!

Onto our first date! Remember we were ALWAYS together. For 3 weeks we hung out and just laughed and talked. Finally Grumps decided we needed to go out just the 2 of us. We drove to a dollar theater not too far away and saw Phenominom. On our way back to school I wanted to take him to a place I had been before when visiting the school. First let me say I had no idea this place was a make out place. I just thought it was cool. We drive down to hang out at the bridge/water. We decide to leave my lights on so we could see. SEE we weren't going to make out at all. We didn't even hold hands. Well this is where the problem comes into play. The lights weren't just on. They were on high. When we got back to the car it was dead.

We began to freak out. We were in the middle of no where. I had only one number. We had curfew. We were at a make out spot not making out. We called the one number, got someone who I have never met but she came and jumped us off. We get back to school and explain to the guards why we were late. Of course they didn't believe us. I get to my dorm and tell my dorm mom, she doesn't really believe me either. The best part is our next date we get lost going home also almost running out of gas. We were late again. We still hadn't held hands.

Stay tuned for the Part 2. You girls have come up with some crazy questions!

Home and Fluffy

We have been back from our vacation for a few days now. We had a wonderful time. Grumps worked hard to plan a wonderful trip full of good food and great places to rest our heads. We reconnected in just being together. Life couldn't get in the way.

Now being back home the ivf and back to school countdown has begun. It looks like both will be right there with each other. I am praying my body doesn't take too long to respond. I can't miss the first day of school. I really can't miss any days of the first week. It all has to just run VERY smoothly. I am laughing though deep inside. When do things run smoothly for me? Of course my retrieval would be on the open house day. Of course my transfer could be the first day of school. That is how my world works.

My other 'issue'... raise your hand if treatments have caused you to gain weight. A lot? I am out of control large. It makes me sad. My boobs are HUGE! My body just feeds on these drugs. I am at the point I could rest my chin on my girls. I can't do a thing about any of it until I am done with these stupid drugs. Please tell me I am not the only one? PLEASE!!!!

The word has been spread to the mouths of my school. I might look pregnant but I am for sure not. They have my permission to tell everyone.

So I am serious about my question. Did you gain weight? How much in total? Did your body love the drugs? I don't want to hear about how thin you were through it all. I don't want to hear about how you exercised and ate healthy. Now it is time to chime in!!!

OUT OF HERE

Grumps and I are heading out tomorrow morning for a much needed trip. He has been planning it for weeks. He told me quietly one night, "This trip is meant to help us forget about children." He truly is priceless.

We are driving up the east coast for the next week and 1/2. Our first stop is NY!!! Then off to Boston to get smart. Grumps is a history freak. Next will be Maine at a cozy inn (I think, he is keeping secrets). On our way home we will stop in Connecticut for dinner with friends. Finally we will end the drive at Atlantic City to meet up with friends for 2 days of fun. During all the driving I plan to read many books and take lots of naps.

When we come back, Lupron will start and we will get this show on the road.

I am bringing my laptop hoping for free internet at our hotels. If not, see you on the other side!

Foul Mood

Yep that is me. I have a stinky mood going on. If you know me in real life you know I don't usually go to this place. I am always up with only a couple of down moments. Well I went to bed in a funk and I woke up in one. I am hoping blogging gets rid of it. I hate being here.

I had planned to blog about tips for your husband giving you shots in the butt and how my common thread bracelet broke. I am sure I will get to it. Instead I am just going to vent and get it all out there.

I have always given myself my shots. I like being in control. I wasn't exactly happy knowing Grumps had to be the one shooting me up. He doesn't do stuff like that very well. BUT I went in with confidence in him. I get the it all ready for him. Talk him through it. Remind him...

Well we have had some good shots but we have had some bad ones. Last night was the worse. It felt like he was moving the shot around. When I said something he got upset with me. Then I BLED! It turned into a quiet shouting match. His feelings were hurt. My butt killed. He said I make it hard. I shouldn't say that it hurts. I should just let him do it. He has no idea how it feels.

I suggested giving him a shot in the butt of just saline for him to see how it feels. He flipped. Why do I need to hurt him? I just wanted him to understand how it felt. He would have no part in it. The night ended with me going to the basement to play on the computer leaving him for bed. He did come downstairs to let me know he was just reading. I shrugged him off. This morning was just as cold.

I know this is a stupid vent. I shouldn't let this bother me. We will be transferring probably on Wednesday. I should be getting in a 'zen' state. Instead I am just yuck about it all. It is so small but it really is so big. It defines our marriage. How we deal! I wanted him to hold me and tell me he was sorry for hurting me. But I know he wanted me to say how sorry I was for making him feel bad. I just couldn't. I really can't.

I know he feels like a bystander just watching. He wants this over just as much as I do. I really just need a cheerleader. I am sure after having some girl time (sangria, pool, and wine) today I will be over this. I am going to put this mood under the hormone category. I am pulling the card and using the excuse. The del estrogen KILLS my back and making my boobs SUPER bigger than they already are! The progesterone oil only made my back hurt more.

I am done with complaining. Maybe after tonights shot I will have some helps for your spouse giving you shots so you won't have to have a moment like ours.

*I could use a little head patting, cheer talking, hugs ANYTHING to make me feel better. HELP ME get over this. Please tell me your husbands sucked at shots. I DON'T want to know how amazing they were. I don't want to be jealous of your marriage. I want to love mine more by the end of the day. I am SO not needy right now. HA!

The Schedule

We got our tentative schedule in the mail today. The drugs are listed. The dates are there. My eyes went right to big dates.

Remember us wanting to keep this a secret from our family? The 'date' for our retrieval and all that jazz is during Grumps' parents visit. I feel sick about it all. There is no way to hide the doctors appointment, shots in the butt or me on bed rest.

When I shared the 'dates' with Grumps he wasn't impressed. I wanted to hear, "No worries dear. It will all work out. They will be glad to help out during that time." Instead I got, "Great I guess we will be telling them. Great I guess you will have to stay home when we go out. Great they wanted to do stuff with you too. Great...." UGH!

Now I am all anxious and yuck inside. Why can't things work out the way they are supposed to?
Oh and I will get to bring my lupron injections with us to Iris' wedding. How do you take needles on a plane in your carry on?

His Words

I'm a sucker for cards. I keep everyone depending on who gave them to me.

Grumps' cards, I have them all!

I love the card but the words that are written move my heart and will never be forgotten.

No matter what happens, I'll always love you. Thanks for being so good to me!

Love,
Grumps

I have never needed those words more than now. I hope they are true.

I told you, I am pretty breakable.

Beer and Wings

When your husband finally understands what it feels like to be the last one standing, beer and wings is the only way to comfort.

My best friend and 9 co-workers are pregnant. We all know there are more to come. I am getting pretty good at just dealing with it all. Grumps has never really had it hit home. Guys at work are very jealous of his life. They would love to be free and do and go and whatever like Grumps. One guy he works with is 24 with 4 kids. It hurts but he doesn't really know him.

Last night he got his first real phone call announcement. I had been waiting for that call. It stung a bit. But today when he went to work his other really good friend told him they were expecting at the same time. I was also waiting for this too. The wives had told me they were trying. It was only a matter of time.

Grumps told me today he couldn't talk to his buddy for a good 2 hours. It just hurt too much. He wanted to feel happy for them. He knew they should be having a family. But he felt so left out and alone. I hate that he is hurting, but he finally completely understands.

So beer and wings was our night. LOVE IT! Also this year will be a year of birth or big spending, from the mouth of Grumps.

Hugs to my big strong man!

Setting Sail

Just in case our boat sinks and you never hear from me again, Grumps and I are leaving tonight for a cruise to Belize and other beautiful islands. The ship sets sail on Sunday. If you hear of our cruise in the news you know what happened to me.

I know you are thinking, "WOW a romantic getaway." Nope it is with the family. If you have been a follower you know about my family and all that jazz. I know we will have a good time but lots of prayer has gone forth to make it a good time. Grumps told me to go get sun if they drive me nuts.
So Happy Thanksgiving early to all of you!

The Unthinkable

I am about to do the unthinkable. I know many of you will laugh but for me this is huge. I am about to mark all read on my google/reader. When I came to my computer this morning I had over 400 posts to read. I AM SO BEHIND. I can't stand the pressure. After 2 hours I have whittled it down to 236 post to read. I just can't spend my Saturday skimming through blogs. I just can't.

I know this is so stupid to worry about but if you know me you know how I am. I have little issues.

I hate writing my name in a book.

I don't like to read all of the back of a book afraid it will give too much away.

I like to reply right away to emails. I had so many in my inbox starred for a better thoughtful day to reply. KILLS ME!

I hate to not finish something but also hate being stressed about it. I hate asking for help. I would rather look strong.

I don't cry in front of others very often. Grumps has seen my tears only a handful of times. My family always laughed when I cried. I refuse to do it now afraid of showing weakness or being laughed at.

I stick to my promises and agreements even if it kills me. Once I was supposed to meet a friend at the gym. I was sick as a dog but didn't want to bale on her. I waited for an hour and she never showed. At work that week I asked where she was. She didn't feel up to going. I was ticked but never told her.

I don't do confrontation. I would rather just live with the issue than deal with it. I even do this in my marriage.

I always save the last little bit of everything for Grumps. He never notices or eats it. It drives me nuts but I can't stop myself.

I want to be involved in others lives. I want them to know I cared. THIS is why hitting the marked all as read is driving me nuts this morning. Just know I do care. I really want to comment. I just can't have this list hanging over my head any longer. Mel I suck as a Clicker right now. Please forgive me. See I am a freak!

Anyone else a freak like me?

His Hope

My hope comes and goes. I get the stupid desire to stop this crazy roller coaster of infertility and move on with my life. Then hope creeps in and reminds me we have so many more 'things' to try before throwing in the towel.

This year will be 5 years of trying for us. It will also be 10 years of marriage. We have spent half of our marriage trying for a child. Grumps and I were talking about this at dinner last night. It is another birthday without children for me. We usually get into a short but deep conversation about us each year. I begin to plan out our IUIs. I asked if Grumps wanted to just skip right to IVF. He said "Whatever the doctor tells us to do."

Here is my hope, we will do an IUI in December, January and February. March/April will be our first IVF. Nowhere in there did I see success. Nowhere did I leave room for hope and miracles.

Here is Grumps' hope, where do you want to go for your spring break? I wasn't planning a trip. You will be pregnant.

Of course I laughed! I haven't played the pregnant card in a long time. I quit living my life in terms of, "What if I am pregnant then?" Living my life like that hurts when the month comes along when we would have done something or gone somewhere but don't because we thought I would be pregnant.

I was glad to see Grumps living in the positive. He very rarely lives there in life. The positive is my job. I guess in this case he needed to take over.

Into the Vault: The Common Thread Project

Last week I went into the vault of drafts and pulled out a title I had typed but couldn't write about. Today I go into my vault and find a post I just never finished. I wasn't sure how I felt about the whole common thread of infertility.

I am not a person who follows trends. If I look cute in it or I really like it I will participate. But to just do it for the sake of being cool, that isn't me.

When the Live Strong bracelets came out I didn't wear one. Grumps didn't wear one either. He is even more extreme in his beliefs of trends. So when I saw the common thread posts a year ago and the bracelets being talked about I just wasn't sure where I stood.

Here were my thoughts on 8/19/06 at 10:02 PM.

I saw this recently on a couple of blogs. I am still trying to wrap my brain around it and truly decide if I want to participate. BUT I do think it is a wonderful idea.

Stirrup Queens... and Desperately Seeking Baby blogged about it. Wear a pomegranate colored thread on your wrist to help create a community of us going through infertility. When you see the thread you will know that you aren't alone.

A year later and Bella Vida began her common thread project. She has given out over 80 free bracelets for the cause. Now I wear one. In fact Grumps wore one until it broke recently. I was shocked when he said he would participate. I had him read about it. He asked if it was worldwide. Then I let it go for a couple of days. I came back and asked if he wanted a bracelet of his own. His reply, "Sure." When his came in the mail I put it on his wrist and we just looked at our bracelets. We were now marked.

No one has asked about my bracelet. Now Grumps on the other hand was asked by a co worker. The guy said, "Why are you wearing that bracelet." Grumps answered, "My wife gave it to me." But it didn't stop the questions. His friend went on to ask more. "What does it mean." Grumps didn't hesitate as he explained about the common thread. His friend thought it was very cool. (It is too early to think of a better word!)

It is amazing how a year can change your prospective and your convictions. If you don't have your own bracelet go over to Bella Vida and email her. She has 12 left! Show the world we aren't alone!

Open Enrollment

Updated!

I love being in my 30's but right now in my life I think 20's might be better.

I am at the age where either everyone already has children or they are just beginning to try. There was a time where I was surrounded by newly married couples who didn't even think about children in the near future. Now I am surrounded by couples with children, preggos or those trying.

I am beginning to think we are the only couple in our circle of friends left being childless. I love my friends. They are SO good to me but I think I need to make it open season for new friend applicants. HA! For my real life friends, they know I joke about having too many friends. Too many to the point I joked about not taking applicants.

We are going out with friends today to a winery. I was so excited about it until Grumps told me his friend's wife might not drink because they are trying. She might even be pregnant. I swear to God I am surrounded!

If you are childless and would like to make new friends it is open season and I am taking applicants!

Oh it looks like we might be able to switch insurances this month after all. Fingers crossed! Hoping for December IUI!

Update!!!
We had a great time yesterday. She isn't pregnant. She drank just as much as I did. The 4 of us went through 4 bottles of wine. I am not sure how long she has been trying but I can tell she is disappointed that it hasn't happened yet. Thank God for a good day out.

Happy Hour

Thursday nights are happy hour with my girls. I LIVE for Thursday nights. We eat, drink and bitch about life and infertility. Today I was left with just Grumps. I love Grumps but happy hour isn't the same.

BUT it was still super nice on a Thursday of the first week of school. I enjoyed beer (I told you I learned how to drink it and enjoy it!) and catfish. Grumps enjoyed margaritas and enchiladas. I realized right then how I truly can enjoy life without children. Don't get me wrong. I would LOVE to be pregnant this month even though AF is pretty much here. Her dog Spot is hitting hard at the door. But the longer we go on this journey the more we enjoy our life.

If we ever have kids we will have to say, "Good-bye" to out of the blue happy hour moments. I guess it is why we are enjoying them now. We went out twice this week for happy hour.

I LOVE MY LIFE!!!

I am sure my next post will be ugly. It is like when you say to a friend, "My husband and I haven't had a fight in forever." That night you have the worst fight in the history of your marriage!

Breathing Air Again

by Robbie Seay Band



This song touched me deep inside. It is what I want to do. I want to breath again. I want to enjoy my life, my husband, my friends, ME!

There are days I feel like I can barely breath. I am just floating by. The other day we went to K's pool to enjoy the day. Grumps played with Little Man for hours in the water. Never complaining but laughing as if he were 3 1.2 too. I held Chunks and thought about if my angel were here they would be playmates. It was a wonderful day but I wanted to float away. I laid in the pool floating hearing only my breathing thinking about my life. I am tired of dwelling on what I don't have and enjoy what I do have.

I know I will have moments of gasping for air from time to time. A year ago I was just finding out I was pregnant. Our miscarriage date is coming up in a month. I know those days will be hard but I can't live there all the time.

I am back to my walks. Listening to uplifting music while I pray for others and will the fat away off my butt. Grumps and I have been spending more quality time together. We payed dominoes for hours the other night on our deck listening to great music, laughing, and enjoying the night. I have been spending more time with friends. I LOVE MY FRIENDS! I even called my MIL the other day. I knew she needed a little pick me up. I gave her an hour of my time. I just want to live my life like this song this summer.

I want to breath again!

Being Alone

With Mother's Day here all I can think about is my little one who should be in my arms. D's little ones who should be in her arms. All the little babies that have been dreamed about, longed for, and even felt but lost to a better place.

Grumps and I went flower shopping today. He is the one who plants all the flowers in the flower beds. I just refill his glass with his beverage of choice. I don't like getting dirty. I didn't really want to go out today. I knew what I would see. But he wanted me there to help make decisions even though he is always the final voice of wisdom. He really wanted me there to guard his cart. Last year he went alone and his flowers were stolen.

I knew that I would see fathers with their little ones picking out potted flowers and what nots for their mothers. I knew that I would see mothers picking out what would go in the flower beds this year. I knew I would see signs for Mother's Day lunch all around. But I went anyway. It was bittersweet. With the windows down and the music playing I let the wind touch my skin and remind me that I have a good thing. An amazing husband. Tears still welled up in my eyes thinking about this year.

I should have been holding my little one in my arms while we went shopping. We would have giggled. Grumps would have talked to 'her' about why we should get this flower over that one. We would have set outside together watching Grumps plant them instead of just me and the dog.

On the way home a song came on my iPod that I hadn't really listened to before. The words hit home. I am sure the song has nothing to do with infertility. It just spoke to me today. I love my life. I have an amazing life. I just don't want to be alone one day. I want my child to help take care of me. Selfish but true. I don't want to ever be alone.

The last line rings so true these days. "I am not afraid of drowning. It's the breathing that's taking all this work."

I Love My Grumps

It all started with me coming home on Friday sad and broken hearted for D and me. He set up the hammock. I needed time to think and be. I came inside after awhile upset. Grumps held me and said, "Is it the wine or your heart talking?" I got to love how much he knows me. It was both. He held me and let me cry without words of wisdom just arms of love.

Yesterday was a beautiful day. I needed to get out of the house. We decided to go downtown to the waterfront where we love to sit and drink and eat and sit and drink and eat. I was afraid Grumps would be tight with the money since it has been the talk lately. Not yesterday. He told me that I could have what I wanted and when I wanted it. I SO took advantage of it!

Today was church. We got to the announcements: Mother's Day, BABY DEDICATIONS! I was just about to lean over and say, "We aren't going." I knew he knew that we weren't since we hadn't in 3 years. It was silent for a second and then he leans over and says, "We should bring the dog to get dedicated." I laughed so hard and so loud. SO PERFECT! He felt my sad heart but wanted it to be light again.

YES he can drive me crazy but he also can be just what I need.

Now I am on the deck in the sun enjoying wine and good music. I also re potted plants. It was the only thing on my to do list last summer when my world fell apart. I have been putting it off since. Today was the perfect day for it. I am feeling good. I am feeling strong. I even had moment with Grumps that wasn't business driven. Maybe the old me is back for a bit!

The New Plan

SUCKS!

Yep that's right, there is a plan. It isn't my plan. I don't like the plan. But it is the new plan. You want to hear it?

First, Grumps and I communicate about as well as two strangers. We used to not be this way but since we have taken the road of infertility it has just gotten bad. We talk but neither listen. We think what we each want and hope that the other will agree with that. But we never do.

Going into this last IUI I knew that he wanted to wait until I could switch insurances. I told him that I couldn't wait. I needed to press on. He was totally for that. In my mind that meant he would push forward with me if this one failed. He would do whatever to afford the IUIs. In his mind he was thinking THIS WILL WORK! I wasn't thinking that.

SO the IUI fails. He wants me to take a break because of my mono. Why risk money/IUI if my mono could cause an unknown problem. I needed my RE to tell me that. He agreed with Grumps. I was fine with that. If the doctor who wants my money thinks a month off would help then I am all for it. I tell Grumps this when he gets home. He says, "Good, we can't afford it anyways." NICE! I got upset, he apologizes.

This goes on and on. I will just get to the point. We are waiting until I can switch to my work insurance in October before moving forward with anything. YEP 6 months!

Grumps says, "This will be a nice break." WHATEVER!

He says, "What is the RUSH!" Yea, we have really been rushing.

I tried to explain my heart, how I was feeling. I gave up. He doesn't get it.

I say, "I was hoping we would be pregnant before our miscarriage due date."

I also say, "I wanted to be pregnant before D had her baby. To be pregnant together."

He says, "I don't harbor hard feelings towards her. I am not jealous. You should be happy. This is hard for her too." SO MISSING THE POINT!

I cried and cried and am still crying. He left the room. But we are going to see his family this summer on the other side of North America.

I totally get what he is thinking, but that isn't what I am feeling. Now I really want to quit. Totally want to quit all of this.

I know many of you are thinking, "Why can't they afford IUIs? They are cheap." Not with my clinic. Our last one was $1600. The next one will be $1400 and then down to $1300. So it isn't a drop in the bucket.

MAN I was doing so good trying to be better about things but now I am just PISSED!

Pour Me a Glass of Wine

Oh wait, I already did!

That's right. I am not pregnant. I got the call from my nurse, NEGATIVE! I let my voice mail catch it while I was teaching. I took a moment outside my room to listen. I heard it in her voice before she even had to say anything. I deleted the message, took a breath, and walked back into my room to finish the day.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to just crawl under the covers for forever. But I pressed on and 'inspired' my kids!

My girls called and emailed. I felt hugs from all over the place.

I didn't know how to tell Grumps. I had planned to stop at the store and buy him something that said 'Daddy' today. I was torn about texting him, calling him, or waiting to tell him in person. He called me first. We shot the breeze for a couple of minutes and then I just say, "We aren't pregnant." He was so shocked. He totally had HUGE hope!

I had let myself start hoping yesterday. I had started planning and having HUGE hope. I wish I hadn't. Thank GOD I had others holding my hope the entire time. How hard it would have been if I had known all along that I was pregnant. Being that hopeful.

I came home and put on The Wreckers, opened the wine, started dinner and held back the tears. I wanted to cry alone. I didn't want Grumps to see my heart broken. He came up to grab dinner and pulled me out of my chair. He heard the music, saw the wine, and knew that my heart was hurt. He held me and let me cry. We don't do that very often. I cried really hard. I told him how I wish there wasn't money involved. The money part makes it hard. He said, "Don't worry about the money."

Now I just enjoy my life right NOW! We still need to talk about what's next. Do we spend more money for the next IUI like our RE wants to do? Or do we wait until the fall when I can switch insurances and not have to worry about the money? My heart says to go for another IUI. I am not sure what Grumps' brain is telling him.

Thank you for all of your prayers and support during this cycle. I don't' know how many of you do this month after month. I don't know how you go through IVF and make it out okay on the other side.

Off to finish my first glass of wine and start on the second.

A Little Peek

Today I got to see what the men see when they go into that little room. MAN I do feel a little bit sorry for them. Just a tiny bit.

The room was nice. It had a nice reclining chair. GROSS!!! All I could think about was how many men sat there and did their business. In front of the chair was a little tv, XXX movies and magazines and a sink with no mirror.

Man the pressure! The lady gave the directions, cup and instructions to ring the bell when we were done. We locked the door and began the jerk. HA! You could hear people walking around the hall. HOW NOT PRIVATE! When we finished, boy was it hard to aim into that little cup, we rang the bell. There was a knock at the door. The girl came in gloved. That was it, we did the dirty in a room and the world knows about it.

2 hours later I am spread eagle having 23 million spermies inserted into my hoohoo! Now the 2 week wait in JAMAICA starting Monday!

I still feel bad for Grumps and all the times he had to jerky lurky alone in a scary room.

The Ball is Rolling

Today was day 3 of my cycle. As close as day 3 I could get. What does 'normal flow' mean for day 1 anyway? Grumps and I went in for my u/s and blood work to make sure I am not pregnant. HA! I still think that is funny. Ummm, flow is heavy, cramps are bad, Yep that means not pregnant!

I got my call letting me know that I could start taking my 50 whatever of Clomid tonight for the next 5 days. On day 9, that would be Friday, I give myself 150iu (I think that is right, the iu part) of Gonal F injection. I am a little nervous about mixing 2 powders into one shot. I hope I don't screw it up. THEN on Sunday I go for my next u/s to see when I need to trigger.

This morning we paid our lovely HUGE amount of money for our HOPEFULLY successful IUI. When I pulled the credit card out and the price was said verbally, I have seen it on paper many times, Grumps and I pretended that we never heard a thing.

My hope is very small again. I am not letting myself think about ANYTHING. No, this is going to work. OR this is so stupid and a waste of time. I am just letting it be. Going with the ride. Trying to get through this week. Counting down until Jamaica. Wanting a break!

Grumps sister and family are here. Please pray that I don't kill anyone or freak out now that I am on Clomid!