Catching Up

First, I blog in my head. Yep I blog all day in my head. My favorite place to blog is in the shower. I create posts. Many of them just stay in my head. Others get typed out and never posted. I am tempted to just post all of them with the dates attached. Some of them I am afraid to post. Others are really low places. Many are just stupid and I am embarrassed. So dumb. It is my blog. I should feel more confident. So I have been blogging in my head. Here are some of my thoughts.

My summer is over and all I can think about is last year at this time. Last year I was so afraid to go back to work. I was afraid everyone could read my mind and know I had been pregnant. I was sad. I wasn't myself. I just sat in silence during all the meetings. Now this year, I am afraid people will ask if I am pregnant. I am not sure I why I am afraid. I just don't want to look pregnant. I am far from pregnant. Can I just stop the clocks and keep living this summer over and over again? I have loved it to the fullest!

My little nephew has won my heart. Once again last year when I got the call that he was born I cried and cried. It was so hard to hear about someone having a baby and being so full of joy when I had lost mine. My mom let me know my sister in law and brother needed more things for the boy. During my loss I had to buy more baby gifts. I cried and cried during that too. Now a year later I am in love with that little fellow.

When I helped keep in at the beginning of the summer I was so afraid of being with him. It didn't take long to fall in love. It was very bittersweet. I would hold him, rock him, tell him secrets. He would respond and laugh and hold me tight. I wanted to keep him for myself. Now I just spent some time buying him things for his 1st birthday. It wasn't hard. I LOVED IT! I wasn't bitter. I wasn't sad. I was happy to have in my life. I couldn't stop spending money. I wish I could show you his cute picture for his invite. He looks like my brother at that age. Priceless grin with new teeth, almost white blond hair, and a cute full face. It makes me wish we lived closer. I would love to hear him say, "Aunt Sunny!"

Childhood friends are far and few for me. I keep up with them from a distance. I moved too many times in my life to keep up with people. I wish I could go back and get clothes to many of them again. But too much time has passed. We aren't the same people. Some times it makes me sad.

If you made it through this post I applaud you! BORING would be my thoughts. I just had to get these 'posts' out of my head and onto my blog.

Summer Blogger

I am here and not dead. I have justed turned into a summer blogger. Okay usually it is the other way around. I would usually post like a crazy woman, but lately I just haven't been in the mood to blog. For me, blogging is therapy. If I turn it into, Please read my blog and comment, it ruins the purpose for me and causes me CRAZY pressure! So I have been chilling. I have a couple of posts in my head. One I actually wrote out on a receipt, drunk while camping. I feel like that desperate moment to get those thoughts down are gone now and not worth bringing them back to life. Who knows?

I have also been a busy soul. Almost every weekend I have headed off to somewhere fun. This weekend is the beach. A trip to visit my inlaws for a weeks is also coming up. My mind just hasn't been into blogging. I have been reading but not necessarily commenting.

I guess we all need a little break sometimes. Here's mine! I am sure I will get moving again. I just need to be inspired!

Here and There

I haven't been thinking about infertility and all my issues lately. Therefore, not blogging.

OKAY that is a lie. I never stop thinking about it but I have been too busy to be smart, witty or blogging. I have posts brewing in my head but nothing solid to put out. Do any of you do this?

I have been traveling here and there. I was in Kansas this past weekend. Camping this weekend with Grumps. Next weekend a wedding at the beach. My last big trip will be to the lovely inlaws in Canada. BUSY!

Yes I still think about my life and infertility and all that jazz. I watch friends be with their children and feel jealousy for a split second. I long for the love they show and receive. Then I see people who truly do not deserve children. In fact they have them taken away because they aren't fit. Grumps said to me, "How does that work? They can't take care of children and we don't have them but want them." It never makes sense.

This week Aunt Flow is late and hope rises. There is more doubt now with each late day than ever before. I am okay with that, protection. She showed today. I didn't cry or get sad. We really are not trying very hard. I give it a try once in the small little window. I can't be absorbed. I just can't during The Summer of Sunny!!! So I am toasting to AF today with good wine.

Did anyone watch Heartland on TNT this week? Part of the story dealt with infertility. Comparing physical pain with mental anguish. Makes you think. Breaks your heart. Feels good to not be alone, to be talked about on tv.

See I told you in my title this post would be full of here and there's. I am just trying hard not to think too much. Maybe it is because a year ago this week I found out I was pregnant. It haunts me. I have looked back at my posts. I think back how it felt to share the news. The phone calls, the jumps for joys, the smiles. It hurts. I have let my life slip a little bit. I was asked recently, "What has happened to you? You aren't the person I knew before." Yep I have changed. I wish it didn't happen but it did. I will never be the same.

MAN I didn't want to get heavy. I didn't want to think. Back to toasting to AF!

Breathing Air Again

by Robbie Seay Band



This song touched me deep inside. It is what I want to do. I want to breath again. I want to enjoy my life, my husband, my friends, ME!

There are days I feel like I can barely breath. I am just floating by. The other day we went to K's pool to enjoy the day. Grumps played with Little Man for hours in the water. Never complaining but laughing as if he were 3 1.2 too. I held Chunks and thought about if my angel were here they would be playmates. It was a wonderful day but I wanted to float away. I laid in the pool floating hearing only my breathing thinking about my life. I am tired of dwelling on what I don't have and enjoy what I do have.

I know I will have moments of gasping for air from time to time. A year ago I was just finding out I was pregnant. Our miscarriage date is coming up in a month. I know those days will be hard but I can't live there all the time.

I am back to my walks. Listening to uplifting music while I pray for others and will the fat away off my butt. Grumps and I have been spending more quality time together. We payed dominoes for hours the other night on our deck listening to great music, laughing, and enjoying the night. I have been spending more time with friends. I LOVE MY FRIENDS! I even called my MIL the other day. I knew she needed a little pick me up. I gave her an hour of my time. I just want to live my life like this song this summer.

I want to breath again!

My Summer Goals

Now that I am back from Tampa helping my mom with my 9 month old nephew (another post for another day) my summer vacation can officially begin. I have spent most of my day in bed reading 100's of blogs, trying to get my commentathon pledge in, and watching my Netflix movies and TiVo.

Each summer I make a mental list of what I want to accomplish. Last summer everything changed when I found out I was pregnant. My list went to pot. Then of course the miscarriage at the very end of the summer. I felt very jilted. I wanted my summer back. SOOOO this summer I am going to do just that. I want to enjoy every stinking minute to help make up for last year. Of course Grumps has plans of his own. I will try to work them in but he knows summer is MY TIME!

Here is my very small list so far. I am sure I will add more. I will work hard to accomplish this list as well.

* Learn to drink beer! Yep, you heard it right. I want to learn to drink beer. There is a beer festival coming to town right down the road from me. I want to attend and so does Grumps. It won't be fun if I don't drink the beer. I think this is doable. I taught myself how to drink wine, with the help of many friends, why not beer. So if you have any suggestions on beer I will like or any tricks to get it down, please let me know! This will not be a dry summer! I will have a dry fall when I start my next IUI.

* Clean out the closets. YEP not a fun one on the list. This was on the list last summer. It never happened. Our guest closets and linen closet are full of crap. I am embarrassed when we have guests come and there is no room for their things. I hope to accomplish this soon so it doesn't hang over my head all summer.

* Get a kicking tan at K's pool! No explanation needed there!

* Go on short little trips with friends. I say this every summer and it doesn't happen BUT why not put it on the list again and hope for the best. Wait, I can't say it never happens. The trips with D just don't happen. HA! *edited to say I meant our little summer trips we say we will take like to the beach or a winery. *

* Meet up with the VA/DC/MD bloggers. I have missed both times. NOT NEXT TIME! At least I hope not next time.

* Read a couple of books. I have a HUGE pile of books beside my bed. Many are borrowed. I love to read but TiVo and my laptop usually take presidence. When I find out how to read and play on the internet at the same time I will let you all know.

* Start back on my walks. It got cold with snow. I got Mono. The walking stopped. Now I have a nice chunk chunk that needs to go bye-bye. Grumps told me that I should take the dog for a walk today. Yep, there's a hint.

* RELAX!

I know my list isn't amazing. Nothing really thought provoking. I just want to have a good time this summer without regrets!

Side note! My cake for Mel's Cake Day is in the oven and smelling YUMMY!!! Those who know me well know exactly what cake I am baking! My cake post will come soon!

My Brain and the Thoughts that Come Out of It!

It is late! I should be in bed but I just can't stop! Grumps is gone this week for work. I am heading out to Tampa tomorrow.

WOW TAMPA is all I keep hearing. WOW THE BEACH! Ummmm nope I am going to help my mom take care of my little nephew. Yep the little one born right after my miscarriage. I love the little booger but I want my own little one. I am trying to be strong this week. I hope he is just a pain so I will feel better about it all. This is not the way I wanted to start my summer vacation.

I called my dad on Father's Day. YES I was a good daughter. On Mother's Day I just sent my mom a text message. She did get a card and gift but I just couldn't make the call. My dad chatted my head off. He said he might show up later in the week to 'help' with the little man. He said he wanted to see me but also really wanted to see his new and only grandson. He goes on and on about the brag book my mom bought him. He was just in love with sharing his pictures. I teared up and really wanted to say, "SHUT UP! Don't you realize I am sad?" Instead I said, "How sweet!" And then made funny faces to Grumps!

Preggos are popping up everywhere! Baby talk is all around me. I am holding strong!

D is thinking of a dry summer! I told Grumps about it. Guess what he said? "You should try that too!" WHATEVER! It is my summer to have fun. If I want to drink I will drink because I CAN DRINK!!!! He needs to just shut up or become a woman in my shoes. HA!

Schools out for SUMMER! But all I can think about is next year. Yep that is what happens to teachers. We never stop thinking about work. It just doesn't go away.

I need to go finish packing, take a shower (I STINK!) and go to bed. If I am not around much you know where I am. WORKING ON MY TAN!

*Sorry for the all caps words! I am tired and can't help being dramatic!