Bittersweet

I got a call from my mom a couple of days ago letting me know that they were driving down to my brother's. His wife was going to have their baby some time this weekend. The thought was bittersweet.

I got a call yesterday letting me know that they were on their way to the hospital. My brother called later in the evening to tell me that she was at 4 cm. This entire time my heart was heavy for me. I hate that! At 3:30 am my mom calls to tell me that the little one was born. They were blessed with a boy with a head of blond hair.

This morning my mom calls me to tell me more details. I listened. I asked questions. I pretended to be totally excited. In my heart of hearts I am for them. I am excited. I can't even fathom my little brother being a father. BUT I can see his face and his tears and his smile. I can see how proud he must be. I know that he will be wonderful but my heart is once again heavy.

When I got off the phone I tried very hard to wrap my brain around it. I tried hard not to cry. Not to feel sorry for myself. This isn't about me. It is about them. They deserve happiness. Noone deserves to have heartache and pain and loss.

I am thankful that we don't live near them. We have the perfect reason not to see the baby. Actually we aren't even sure when we will see them next. Christmas is still up in the air for us. Should we go on a trip? Should we stay home? Should we go see family? I guess it all depends when we get pregnant again.

I will try very hard to be a good sister and sound happy. I will try very hard to keep it together today when we go hang out with friends and their kids. I will try very hard not to feel sorry for myself. I will try very hard to not get the blahs.

Life sure is bittersweet!