Every year I am the one who is begging Grumps to take me out to buy our tree. I can't wait for the holidays. I can't wait for the music, tree, lights, smells, and memories. This is year is so different. I do not want a tree. I do not want the music.
Christmas this year was suppose to be different. My mom bought me the perfect ornament this summer. Parents to Be. I couldn't wait to put it on my tree. But things changed. The ornament is in my hope chest with all the other memories.
That ornament haunts me on a daily basis. I cannot stop thinking about it. It pops into my thoughts many times during my day. When it pops into my mind many emotions take over. I want that ornament to be true. I just can't bare having a tree without that ornament this year.
I kept the real reason for skipping the tree and decorations from Grumps as long as I could. When I finally told him about the ornament he was speechless and I was fighting back the tears. Grumps understands but he continues to remind me that when I am ready we will go buy the tree. I told him that I will not be ready this year. So instead of a tree he bought me a poinsettia. He made me love him even more. This is our only bit of Christmas that will be in our house this year.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
I am here. I am around. I am reading and commenting sometimes.
Grumps and I are going away for a long weekend. I need to get away. I need to be renewed. We need time together having fun and not thinking about what is missing.
I have so many thoughts rushing around in my head. Thoughts that can be typed out. Thoughts that shouldn't be typed out. Thoughts that won't be typed out.
I am holding it together but only by the grace of God. I have to use all my power and more of God's to not think about what breaks my heart. I fight off tears more times than I can count. I really would like to just fast forward the holiday season.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
I was reminded by my new email friend of something HUGE that I need to be thankful for. Thank you, Julie!
I am so thankful the ability to keep trying to get pregnant. I still can. My body still works. I have all the pieces. I am hoping that they are still clean. But there is hope there that many don't have.
I am also very thankful for this summer though the hardest thing EVER. I am thankful that I carried life for 8 precious weeks. I wouldn't trade that for the world except for having my baby in my arms instead of heaven. I rub my belly sometimes just to tell my angel that I will never stop loving her.
Julie thank you again for reminding me of more blessings!
I am trying very hard to get into the thankful mindset that I usually am in on this day. We just had such a different idea of what today would be like last Thanksgiving. It is amazing how we think about next year and our plans for it and they don't come true.
Last year I was still on Lupron. I was thankful that next year I would have a fresh start and be pregnant. When I got pregnant this summer I was so excited to think about going around in our small group circle telling what we are thankful for. I had imagined putting my hand on my belly and saying how I was thankful for the miracle of life. When we began talking about our small group Thanksgiving dinner this year I told D that I just couldn't do the whole thankful thing. I would lose it. I love her for skipping it for me.
Thanksgiving means that Christmas is just right around the corner. We all know what I think about that holiday this year. I am sure I will have many posts about my dread for it.
BUT I am very thankful for many things.
- My God who gave the ultimate sacrifice for me. He knows what loss is all about. He has given me more than I deserve. He gives me His strength daily just so I can walk out my door. I cannot imagine a life without Him.
- My amazing husband, Grumps. God gave him to me so perfectly. I am not an easy person to live with yet he loves me more and more each day. He has silently carried me through the dark times. His actions speak far louder than words. I would be lost without him.
- My family even though they totally don't get where I am right now or even where I have been. But they pray. They pray for my miracle and my life to be full. They call to check on me and say the dumbest things BUT they call.
- My wonderful friends who have truly been my family. They forgive me for the stupid things I say and do. They surround me with incredible love and support. They give me space when I need it yet know when to hold me steady. They have listening ears and encouraging words. I would live under my covers if it weren't for them.
- My sweet dog Itsy who loves me unconditionally and tries her hardest to comfort me when my life becomes too much. She ALWAYS puts a smile on my face.
- My freedom. I remind my little students often of how blessed they are to be free to learn, think, worship, live a life in a country of freedom. Grumps and I have talked about how blessed we are to have been born in a life and land of freedom.
- My life which is truly full. I have a job that I can say I enjoy even though it drives me nuts. I have a home that is more than enough for us. It is full with more than we need.
I am so thankful for your support and listening ear as well. Your words of encouragement push me forward!g
Monday, November 20, 2006
I am trying to wrap my brain around this idea. It doesn't mean I am giving up hope.
This world is all about family. Everywhere you go it is asked or talked about. I recently went to a Pampered Chef party with D. It was time to introduce ourselves. If you been to one of these parties you always say what your favorite tool and how you know the hostess. But this time we were also suppose to tell how many kids we have. Both D and I began to groan and then laugh. We had a plan.
D goes first. "I have a 3 year old with furry legs who consumes our life. Her name is Lady. " I couldn't stop laughing. Then it was my turn. "I have an almost 3 year old furbaby named Itsy." Those who know us and our problems laughed. Those who had no clue including the lady in charge just stared at us.
Children and talk of children are a part of every new friend conversation. When you meet someone most often they ask, "Do you have any children?" Even my kids at school ask me. My response to the adults is, "Not yet. We are waiting for our miracle." It usually stops all talk of children.
During my walk this morning I began to think a life without kids even more. We would have more money to spend on ourselves and others. We could go to the movies and dinner anytime. Trips could be planned last minute. My Saturdays would be my Saturdays unless Grumps takes over. My mornings wouldn't be hectic. Life without children doesn't sound all that bad until...
You start thinking about getting older. No grandkids, no one to take care of you when you lose your other half. No school programs, loose teeth, Christmas excitement, proms, graduations, weddings. All those firsts and BIG MOMENTS that people live for.
I just wanted to share with you what is going on in my mind as holidays are quickly approaching and family events are right in our faces.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
This was my email devotion that I got yesterday. I just now read it. God must have wrote it Himself.
"But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, 'With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.'" (Matthew 19:26)
Conquerors don't give up when they lose ground. They march forward with confidence knowing that they will claim victory. It should be the same with us in our daily lives. The Bible says you don't have to worry – you are an overcomer in Christ! The Holy Spirit lives in you and is fighting your spiritual battles for you. As soon as you kneel to pray, the tide of the battle can turn! That's why the Scriptures say over and over again that you can overcome anything. You are more than conquerors in Jesus Christ! You can claim victory through Him today!
A Prayer for Today
God, thank You for Your Holy Spirit, who is fighting my battles for me. Give me the faith to hold on to Your promises and claim victory in Your Name. Instead of worrying, I will be calm and victorious in You! In Jesus' Name. Amen.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Another rainy day
I can't recall having sunshine on my face
All I feel is pain
All I wanna do is walk out of this place
But when I am stuck and I can't move
When I don't know what I should do
When I wonder if I'll ever make it through
I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
Your the one that's keeping my heart beating
I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
That's the only way that I'll find healing
Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing
Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing
Oh You're everything I need
And I gotta keep singing
Yesterday was a good day full of hope. Today was a day of fighting the blue SOOOO bad!!!
My temperature took a nice drop. Then spot joined it all.
I had a couple of mini breakdowns in the shower and on the way to work. I was very hopeful this month. I was really walking in faith and trusting. I was reminded again was I trusting TODAY? I had to check myself again.
It is just so hard each month. The 2 week wait is full of hope. Aunt Flow brings such pain and heartache and the desire to just quit. The rollercoaster is killing me. What do I do next?
Tonight I just want to crawl in a hole and stay. We all know that I will be up and on my faith game tomorrow but tonight I am low and tired and wanting to quit.
Sorrow comes at night but JOY comes in the morning. I need some joy to push me forward tomorrow. I just am not sure my heart can take any more.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
I haven't been hiding. I haven't been blue. I have been way too busy trying to keep my mind off the two week wait.
Yes, the time is here to scream at my mind to SHUT UP!!!! I will spare you with all the details of what I have been thinking. Same ole same ole.
Today I HAD to have Five Guys for supper. I had to have a hot dog and fries. I ate ALL of it, well not quite all of the fries but if you know Five Guys you know that eating all the fries will kill you. It felt good to eat that dinner. It felt good not to think about the pounds or the gut or my pants not fitting. It just felt good to eat. I have no idea where this is going. HA!
Grumps is out of town for the week. I am booked every day. I guess it is my way of not thinking about my test day. Not thinking about AF. Not thinking about failing. Just NOT THINKING!!!
It has felt so good not to be blue. It has felt wonderful to push the blue thoughts fast away. I don't want to get blue again. But I feel it creeping up on me with every passing day and every day getting closer to Aunt Flow.
BUT TODAY life is good and sunny and full of hope and faith and God's grace!!!
Saturday, November 11, 2006
I thought I needed to lighten my blog for a small moment in time. This makes me look like I haven't done much. HA! I should write my own!
01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said 'I love you' and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris (one day!)
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day (does my own count?)
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe (nope but I have through South America)
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke (ALL THE TIME)
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music.
87. Eaten shark
88. Had a one-night stand
89. Gone to Thailand (a dream)
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children (teaching counts, right?)
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Created and named your own constellation of stars
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Wrote articles for a publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part besides your ears pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol (I want to really bad!!!)
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery (but I have had lots messed with by docs while I was under)
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states (at one point in my life)
124. Visited all 7 continents (OH I WANT TOOOO!!!)
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dreamm (a long time ago)
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Manned a booth at a street fair
146: Dyed your hair
147: Been a DJ
148: Shaved your head
149: Caused a car accident
150: Saved someone's life
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Happy Birthday to me today! I was dreading today but God has given me hope for this year.
I have wanted to blog about my time with God this week but have been too busy to do much. I will have to find some time soon to share with you what He has been speaking to me. TRUST is the major word in it all, right along with GOD!!!
I also thought I would share with you my BIG birthday surprise. Thursday Grumps had the day off and wanted to come meet my kids. During the day D and I were planning a time to party that night. Grumps was TOTALLY ugly about it all. I just didn't get why he was being so mean.
I was waiting for Grumps to arrive in my classroom. I kept watching out my window. I finally see him with flowers and a woman. I thought that she looked a little like my mom but knew that couldn't be. There's a knock at my door and when I opened it there stood my MOM! She had flown up here for my birthday. I was totally shocked and surprised. What a wonderful birthday surprise!
So here's to getting older and a new year!!!!