Saturday, May 31, 2008

No She Didn't

Last night I went out with the girls to see the opening of Sex and the City. I LOVE the show! We had cosmos and laughs before it all began. I even brought cosmos into the movies via my purse to really get in the mood.

The movie was going great. Tears, laughs, applause! All you could expect and hope for. Then it happened.

We all know Charlotte is part of our infertility community. She longed for a family. Well she finally adopted a beautiful little girl and is very content. As the movie begins to wrap up guess what she announces? YEP, she's pregnant! I was happy for her but then I felt it coming. The words an IF NEVER wants to hear EVER spoken aloud!

"I'm pregnant. I guess if you relax and adopt like they say, you will finally get pregnant on your own!" I am not sure if these are the exact words but they are what I remember.

Guess what I did? You won't believe it! I first gasped! You could feel the row of my girls do the same thing. Then I stood up, gave an ugly hand gesture and called her a 'not so nice' word very loudly. I am blaming it all on the cosmos! Then I sat myself back down and cried. I just couldn't believe they had to add that line into the movie.

I am glad the end of the movie made up for the big NO SHE DIDN'T! The movie is worth it if you are a fan BUT be warned the sentence is spoken and it will cause you to do not very nice things!

Friday, May 30, 2008

Lets Count the Wait

It is hard to believe how much waiting I have done. It is something that has been on my mind lately. Why the wait? What have I learned through it all?

Grumps and I have been trying to have a family for over 5 years. Yep five years and we haven't seemed to have done much compared to the rest of the world. Usually people after this length of time either have their family or have just moved on. Here we sit stuck in the middle.

Lets list the wait!

*It all began with Grumps 5 year plan. As a kid I wanted to start having babies as soon as I got married. Well my thoughts on that changed with maturity. I knew we needed to develop our relationship and figure US out. As each year went by I began to ask Grumps if we could shorten our plan. I even began to pray for my little babies which I didn't have yet. Right before our 5 year mark we began to do it like rabbits. I just knew we would have a baby in our hands in no time. Ahummm lets move on!

*After our first year of trying we began the lovely testing process. There goes more wait. Wait for the test. Wait for the results. Wait for Grumps to come back from training. Wait for recovery. WAIT!!!!

*Then the lovely endo was discovered. Another HUGE moment of wait while I was on Lupron. The year on awful drugs seemed like eternity. I tried to make the best of it by enjoying friends and beverages. It helped some.

*Of course we were blessed with a moment of a baby as our wait ended. But then we lost our little one to heaven and had to wait as we recovered.

*I really thought all the wait was over when we began our trip to the RE and treatments. Well we went on another wait. The insurance wait of 6 months.

*Finally we have IVF insight. We are right in the middle of it all. Our dreams are about to come true (okay hope for the dream to come true) when we get the call about my mom. WAIT AGAIN!

It seems we have spent more time waiting than anything else. What has it taught me? Ummmmmmmmmmmmm.......... LONG PAUSE! I guess it has taught me how not to stress. How to trust. How to just enjoy the moment no matter what it brings. I can't let disappointment and major changes determine the quality of my life. I have to really make the best of a yuck situation. All things happen for a reason. Lets chew on that for a moment.

I have a list of things that wouldn't have happened in my life from friendships to time with my mom. During the wait you have to look at it as a time to find you in a new way. Find how you can touch others. How can you make the best of a not so great situation.

Embrace the wait and live!

Monday, May 19, 2008

A Quick Thought

While I am at it I might as well add a quick IF thought.

Being back in a small town I forgot how there really isn't ANYTHING to do but get married, have babies and eat.

Everywhere I turn people WAY younger than me are telling me about their families and asking me about mine. All are shocked when I say I don't have children but am waiting on my miracle. Of course some even say I can have theirs. I laugh and decline.

Well today I was given advice by a very young couple who only slightly dealt with IF. They haven't been trying long but did go through an early miscarriage. BUT they are now pregnant again. Here's the advice... I was eating brownie batter and she said, "You know, you shouldn't be eating that if you are pregnant." HA! Is what I said. She said, "But what if you are pregnant. You just never know." Oh so true but it truly would be a miracle if I was pregnant. I haven't been with my husband in biblical terms in a month. PLUS I am so not young in this trying business. I quit believing those small things would cause a problem. If I truly did I would have a very sad life since I have been on this ride for the past 5 years.

I am not sure if this made sense at all. But seriously, if I hear or see another young pregnant woman OR an 'old friend' who I could careless seeing tell me about their family and why I don't have my own I might hurt someone.

Anyone else used to live in a small town and then went back to visit after turning into an IF? Isn't it hardly bearable?

I Want to ...


I so want to blog. I have had posts swimming around for days. Today in the shower (my thinking place) I planned a couple. But here is my problem. My only time I am truly alone to blog (I can't blog with others around) is LATE at night. By then I have no desire or truly the clear thoughts to blog.

SO unless I get to be alone soon you will have to wait on my thoughts for a couple of weeks. Here's a sneak preview.

Hometown Life
Memory Lane with the Boyfriends
Your Place in the Family
Always Waiting
and more.

I will leave you with what I have truly enjoyed lately.

Fried catfish, hush puppies and cheese grits
buttermilk pie
old quilts
old baby clothes
facebook HA!!!

Friday, May 09, 2008

My Mother's Day Prayer

Every night, as a family, we have devotions. We share what God has shown us that day. We pray, do communion, and give our highlight. Tonight I prayed. I prayed for whomever God brought to my mind. Some are regular requests. Others just come out of the blue. Tonight my heart had a new prayer.

I cried as I prayed for all my 'friends' who are longing for children. I prayed for those who have lost little ones to heaven. I prayed for your void to be filled. Your womb to be healed. Your arms to fill God's love, replacing what you wished was there instead. I prayed for peace on a very hard day. I prayed for courage to find something amazing about the day. Joy where sorrow usually lives. I also prayed for the husbands to remember their wives. To have sensitivity. To remember how their wives are still mothers to little angels.

I wept as I prayed. My heart so heavy for so many. When I finished my family sat in silence. I am not sure if it was because they were at a loss or they were letting God fill the void. I felt His peace over me. For me, mother's day has been very hard. But this year I don't look at my sorrow and long. I look at having another day with my mom. I am taking my eyes off me and placing them on her.

I hope you find comfort this weekend. Know I am praying for all of you!

Saturday, May 03, 2008


Man I have missed blogging. I have so many posts in my head: the family fit, the waiting game, and priorities... But when I come think about blogging I have no desire. It requires time. It requires thinking. It requires putting thoughts in order. My thoughts aren't really in order.

Right now I am sitting with my family. I love my family but there are times I could just walk away from it all. People don't like to make decisions but when suggestions are given no one likes those either. I also love them very much. I just don't think I am needed while mom is getting her chemo here. Too many hens in the house.

Speaking of being needed, I am torn about when it is time to go home. I am playing around with some ideas in my head. Just praying for God to give me wisdom. Man it is hard.

My mom is now bald but she sure is beautiful!

Finally, I think my sil is pregnant. I am happy for her but I also want to scream!

I hope to get my jive back soon.