Thursday, May 31, 2007

Bad Habit Induced by Infertility

I just realized the other day that I have MANY bad habits which are semi recent. I totally blame infertility to ALL OF THEM! Some I love and others I wish I could break!

Here's my list in no particular order.

Drinking! I enjoyed a little this or that at times but I drink almost every day. SO BAD! I drink wine and liquor. I am actually getting a wine gut.

Swearing! Yep I have picked up a little favorite word that I catch myself whispering, thinking and saying when those swear moments happen. I NEVER swore! In fact I am known for my silly made up swear words. But now I use sh*t constantly. Then lets add the bad habit of drinking to this and I use other good words. I would love to get rid of this habit even though I find it fun!

Eating! I have always loved to eat BUT after my mom told me I could lose a few pounds I dropped quite a bit. I was proud of my loss and looking nice and thin. The past 4 years I have gained a big chunk back. BOO HISS!!! I have lost and gained, lost and gained, lost and gained. Right now I am on the gain side of things. I look fine but totally have backfat. The tire is starting to form. I am too old to start gaining. It just won't come off as easily now. Okay to be honest, I haven't tried in a long time. I have enjoyed every fat bite and take pride in the fact that I do eat bad. HELP ME STOP!

Negative Nancy! We have chatted about this before. It isn't a bad thing but it isn't a good thing either. I guess it is more the "Whatevers" than the "Negatives". I want to be naive again.

Lazy Lover! Grumps and I 'talked' about this today. I just do what I need to do to make him happy. So crazy! I let him be a taker and not a giver. I don't want that. Of course when I do ask for more I don't get it. I rarely ask. I made him repeat after me today as we were 'having a moment' "I am a taker, not a giver!" I should demand more!

Big Spender! Man I can spend the money now. I don't shop often but when I do I drop the dollars. I have happy hour at least once a week with D. We don't go to cheap places. We order food and LOTS OF DRINKS at top prices. I buy wine and more wine all the time. I really need to cut back. I am sure Grumps would like that.

I am sure there are more bad habits. I should ask Grumps what he thinks but I know it would start a 'discussion'.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Hold My Hope

I have been wanting to post about this for a long time but had to wait until someone got theirs.

Nicole Sarvay
from Baby Lust creates the most amazing jewelry. One day I found the most perfect necklace for the place in my life. I was low. I was down. I didn't have any hope. But my friends were carrying mine for me. I am sure you remember. I just had to have this necklace.

I emailed Nicole and asked her about them. She had sold out and would start making me 3 as soon as she got the pendants.

I has a desire to marry one day. To have all of her dreams come true. The road hasn't been easy for her. I want her to have all that she has ever wanted. I hold her hope and she holds mine. She was here when we lost our angel to heaven. She has sent notes, emails and packages to lift my spirits. She prays for me with the same deep longing for my dreams to come true as well.

D desires for a child. Her and her husband have lost 3 angels to heaven in the past year and a half. I hold her hope that one day she will have an earthly angel in her arms. She holds my hope. We meet every Thursday for happy hour. We send crazy emails all day and chat when there is nothing else to do. She went with me to many doctor appointments knowing that the outcome might be bad. She has sat with me as I cried for my little one. I have done the same for her.

When I wear my hope necklace I think of these 2 amazing women. I think of my hope for them and their hope for me. The other day D emailed to tell me that she was wearing my hope, holding out for last month's BFP. It made me smile.

I love you ladies!

*Take some time to check out Nicole's jewelry. It truly is amazing!!!

Friday, May 18, 2007

My Babies

The eggs all started in here.

The kids are completely in love along with a couple of teachers. They are super sweet. I am a little over them now. My kids are just out of control now. Thank heavens they go 'home' today. I know that my kids will be sad but it will be nice to have class back to normal.

I am still in shock that we have 10 little chicks. I never thought I would even get one out of them. Thanks for humoring me with my crazy thoughts about the chick eggs and my eggs.

They think that the light is their mom. They huddle most of the day together. WAY too cute!

Thursday, May 17, 2007

I Am Fertile After All!

Well maybe not bodily eggs but my chick eggs are!

On Monday when I was leaving work I heard cheeping sounds coming from a couple of the eggs. When I got to work the next day we had 2 eggs starting to hatch. On took all day to finally finish and it didn't look the best. The other egg had its beak out all day but never did anything. I was sure it was a goner. I saw one egg that was wiggling around but nothing was coming from the rest.

I couldn't believe what I saw when I got to work yesterday. I had 5 chicks fully hatched waiting for me and the kids. We were all so excited. There were 2 more eggs that were hatching and finished before we left for home. So today I am hoping that at least the one egg that was starting yesterday finished. Maybe I will be surprised with my last egg finished as well.

I wanted to cry when I saw those little chicks working so hard to get out. When they finally dried off my heart melted with their little yellow fluffy selves. They are the cutest things ever. When I left work yesterday they were all curled up together asleep.

Now I have to say that these little boogers sure have caused a storm to brew in my room. My kids aren't getting a dang thing done because they can't stop looking or thinking about those little yellow fluff balls.

I will provide pictures this afternoon of the little miracles. Now if we could only get my eggs and whatever to do their thing too!

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Being Alone

With Mother's Day here all I can think about is my little one who should be in my arms. D's little ones who should be in her arms. All the little babies that have been dreamed about, longed for, and even felt but lost to a better place.

Grumps and I went flower shopping today. He is the one who plants all the flowers in the flower beds. I just refill his glass with his beverage of choice. I don't like getting dirty. I didn't really want to go out today. I knew what I would see. But he wanted me there to help make decisions even though he is always the final voice of wisdom. He really wanted me there to guard his cart. Last year he went alone and his flowers were stolen.

I knew that I would see fathers with their little ones picking out potted flowers and what nots for their mothers. I knew that I would see mothers picking out what would go in the flower beds this year. I knew I would see signs for Mother's Day lunch all around. But I went anyway. It was bittersweet. With the windows down and the music playing I let the wind touch my skin and remind me that I have a good thing. An amazing husband. Tears still welled up in my eyes thinking about this year.

I should have been holding my little one in my arms while we went shopping. We would have giggled. Grumps would have talked to 'her' about why we should get this flower over that one. We would have set outside together watching Grumps plant them instead of just me and the dog.

On the way home a song came on my iPod that I hadn't really listened to before. The words hit home. I am sure the song has nothing to do with infertility. It just spoke to me today. I love my life. I have an amazing life. I just don't want to be alone one day. I want my child to help take care of me. Selfish but true. I don't want to ever be alone.

The last line rings so true these days. "I am not afraid of drowning. It's the breathing that's taking all this work."

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Watching Wallpaper Dry

That is what we do all the time. We watch and wait for the wallpaper to dry. We wait for our cycles to start, cycles to end. Insurance to be switched. We wait for appointments, test results and answers. We wait for our D&C to be scheduled. We wait for our hearts to stop hurting. We wait for the pain to leave. We might even get to wait to finally have our little ones.

SO what do you do during your wait?

If you are me you:

Have happy hour at least 3 times a week with amazing friends and drinks. Yesterday D and I enjoyed 2 bottles of wine for 4 hours at one of our favorite restaurants on the deck. I have a farmer's tan to prove it. Last week we all downed 5 swirls in honor of a crap week!

Visit many wineries and purchase bottle after bottle to be consumed when Aunt Flow shows instead of celebrating. I am running low right now.

Plan party after party after party. My last party was our second karaoke party. It was the best by far! This week will be a 'toy party'. I have a to do a mile long. Rice Krispy Penises, food, Sex on the Beach punch. Thursday can't get here fast enough.

Lots of blog reading. There are days when I feel so behind and others when I scream at my laptop begging for a new post from anyone. Thank God for Google Reader. I no longer have to check each of my blogs. I can just hit next on my tabs and BAM I get updates!

TV TiVo TV TiVo TV TiVo Once a month I get caught up! There are always shows to watch, old and new.

As you can see I keep pretty busy. Sometimes too busy. Other times not busy enough. Remember the flicker of hope? Well the flicker has grown only to be slowly dying again. Man my boobs have been crazy with symptoms. BUT tonight I feel AF dragging her heavy bags in for a little long weekend trip. UGH!~

Anyone want to throw back some tequila with me?

Friday, May 04, 2007

Chicken Killer

I know that you are all hanging on the edge of your seats waiting to hear if I have chickens growing. HA! Well we do. All 12 little eggs showed life. Now the next 2 weeks might prove to not produce life but I feel better knowing that at least they started right.

BUT I did turn into the chicken killer. As I was showing the kids the eggs on the overhead, looking to see life inside, I dropped one of the eggs on the overhead. YEP all the kids gasped including me. The boom crack just sucked! Tears filled my students' eyes when they saw the cracked bottom of the egg. They all started calling me a 'murderer' and a 'chicken killer'. They even put that I killed a chicken in their learning logs.

Nothing is leaking out but it is majorly cracked on it's air sac. The only thing that made my kids feel better is I promised to show them the inside of the egg once the chick stopped growing. I know, I am a sick teacher.

They might be scarred for life but it is a learning moment.

A Flicker of Hope

We have talked a lot about hope around here. (I am too lazy to link to any hope posts. If you want to read them click on my hope label.) I even have a 'hope' necklace that I will post about later. After my last cycle with the nice IUI we are on hold. I have come to grips with that. I truly don't expect to get pregnant on my own. Now if God wants to do His thing, I am cool with that.

Well now I am on day 20 something of this cycle. I have taken it very easy. No temping and just doing whatever whenever without stress or fear. We did have moments around the right time so there is always that flicker of hope. But it is amazing how the same stupid thoughts start up even though I said this would be an easy and fun time of waiting.

My boobs hurt. I can't stop thinking about how big and hard and painful they are. I am sure they feel the same every month but of course that stupid flicker kicks in every time.

Then I started thinking, I know to make a baby but do I REALLY know how? I have read the books, blogs, websites, message boards. I have checked my cm for FOREVER and my temp just as long. I have done the every day of sex. Every other day of sex. All month of sex. 2 weeks of sex. SEX SEX SEX. (WOW I am going to get hits for that one!) We do it the good ole missionary way. The hips have come up. The legs high in the air. Instead cups and DRY sex have also been tried. I have laid on my back throughout the entire night, never getting up to go to the bathroom.

With all that said, am I doing it wrong? Seriously, have you ever thought that? Have you ever wondered if you are just plain stupid? It is like the person who truly believes with all her heart that she is an incredible singer but it completely tone deaf and can't carry a tune. I know that I am doing it right but sometimes I just wonder.

Anyone else crazy like me?

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Baby Chicks

I am a second grade teacher. This year I am the chicken lady at school. The old chicken lady retired and passed on her chicken supplies to me. I have 12 little eggs that we are trying desperately to take care of. We hope to have some of them hatch in a couple of weeks.

Today is the day we should be able to see if any of them have developed or fertilized. I am afraid. I have told the kids to pray that we see at least one chick inside the egg.

My fear is in my infertilness even these eggs won't turn into baby chicks. It sounds stupid but it is a true fear. I have laughed about it and told others who look at me like I am a freak. But seriously, what if I can't even get baby chicks to hatch?

SO I ask you to say a prayer for my little eggs in hopes that we see at least one little chicken growing today inside an egg.