Friday, May 04, 2007

A Flicker of Hope

We have talked a lot about hope around here. (I am too lazy to link to any hope posts. If you want to read them click on my hope label.) I even have a 'hope' necklace that I will post about later. After my last cycle with the nice IUI we are on hold. I have come to grips with that. I truly don't expect to get pregnant on my own. Now if God wants to do His thing, I am cool with that.

Well now I am on day 20 something of this cycle. I have taken it very easy. No temping and just doing whatever whenever without stress or fear. We did have moments around the right time so there is always that flicker of hope. But it is amazing how the same stupid thoughts start up even though I said this would be an easy and fun time of waiting.

My boobs hurt. I can't stop thinking about how big and hard and painful they are. I am sure they feel the same every month but of course that stupid flicker kicks in every time.

Then I started thinking, I know to make a baby but do I REALLY know how? I have read the books, blogs, websites, message boards. I have checked my cm for FOREVER and my temp just as long. I have done the every day of sex. Every other day of sex. All month of sex. 2 weeks of sex. SEX SEX SEX. (WOW I am going to get hits for that one!) We do it the good ole missionary way. The hips have come up. The legs high in the air. Instead cups and DRY sex have also been tried. I have laid on my back throughout the entire night, never getting up to go to the bathroom.

With all that said, am I doing it wrong? Seriously, have you ever thought that? Have you ever wondered if you are just plain stupid? It is like the person who truly believes with all her heart that she is an incredible singer but it completely tone deaf and can't carry a tune. I know that I am doing it right but sometimes I just wonder.

Anyone else crazy like me?

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