Saturday, March 29, 2008

6 Babypops

I wanted to give everyone an update on me. I feel so faraway from the online world. Time has really been spent just spending time with family. My mom is looking really good. She is getting better everyday. We went in for the consult yesterday. The cancer is stage 4. It is in place throughout her body but mainly her breasts. BUT she has decided to do chemo. We will start it the week of the 7th. They said it wouldn't be her cure but it would help the quality of her life. We are still believing for perfect healing. Thank you all for praying and encouraging me.

Last night, mom and I stayed up late talking and sharing. It helps me understand more and more on her choices. She does realize she was dumb and let it go too far. My heart still hurts. I still wish life was different but we can't live there.

NOW onto more upbeat news!!! My retrieval went wonderful. They got 10 eggs. 8 were mature. They were able to fertilized 6. I now have 6 babypops waiting for me when I get home and settled. I think about them everyday. How crazy am I?

Keep us in your prayers. I will try to check in when I can. You are all the best!

Monday, March 24, 2008

Twiddling My Thumbs

I should be at work today. Everyone else woke up griping about spring break being over. Everyone dreaded seeing the kids. Here I sit, in bed, planning my day, trying not to over think.

I called last week and got my leave of absence taken care of. Making that call was so sad. Having to verbalize what was going on to a stranger wasn't fun. I also went to work to get things in order on Friday. I had all these intentions. I barely could breathe. Poor Grumps watched me run around with my head cut off. I left it all for my team to take care of. I feel awful.

My mom is having more tests run today at the cancer hospital. We will get more answers on Friday. I got more information about her physical state and the cancer yesterday. It continues to break my heart. There hasn't been a day I haven't cried.

I am holding onto faith. God is in the middle of it all.


Last night I triggered, or should I say Grumps did. He did a great job considering he was scared to death. I caught the spear action he took on me from the corner of my eye. I freaked just a bit. I am sore today. We go in for retrieval tomorrow morning. I fly out to my family Wednesday afternoon.

I cannot thank you enough for your strength through your comments and emails. I feel surrounded by all of you.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

In My Arms

Is where I wish you were today. Hearing you giggle. Watching you try to walk. Being close by.

My little angel I miss you today more than ever before.

Your grandmother is coming home to you soon. She is the best at rocking you to sleep. You won't miss her. Her smile is so big and her words are so gentle. Enjoy her for me.

The song is my heart's cry. I found the video on youtube.


They are giving my mom 2 to 4 weeks to live. They are heading to the cancer hospital today. They will see the doctors tomorrow and have more tests run. The information could change but the cancer is really bad. I go to the doctor this morning for monitoring. We need to talk about this cycle. There is a possibility we will either retrieve and freeze or cancel. If we cancel I will leave tomorrow to be with my family. If nothing else I will be there next week until the end. I am taking leave from work. I don't want to watch my mom die but I can't stay home. We are still praying for a miracle.

All that my mind can think of is, how do I live in a world without my mom. She is so amazing. In fact there is a package at the post office from her for us for Easter. Her love never stops.

Thank you so much for the many comments and emails. I feel surrounded by love.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Give Your Mama a Kiss

Today my mind is heavy and so is my heart. Thoughts, scenes and memories are flooding me.

I got the call yesterday morning. My dad was taking my mom to the ER. She had shortness of breath. I began to pray and wait. After church I was headed to meet up with the DC bloggers when I got the second call. My dad was calling me back.

"Sunny, the doctor just left the room. We just got the news." My dad was struggling to stay composed. I could tell he was about to lose it.

"Your mom has cancer. It is in both breasts and in her chest cavity. She has had it for 5 years. I felt her breast this morning and it is hard as a rock. She doesn't want chemo or radiation. The hospital cannot help her. They are sending her home with things to help her breathe. She is strong. We are believing God will heal her." He then chokes up and blames himself. "I should have known. I would ask her what was wrong, why wasn't she eating, why did she have the cough. She would give excuses." My dad's heart was broken. The reason he lives is for my mom and now she is sick. Very sick.

All I can do is stay strong for him. Listen. Let him ramble. I ask a couple of questions, but I am in shock myself. I asked if he wanted me to call my brother. He was thankful I offered. He said he couldn't make it through another phone call. I hung up with my dad feeling so very far away.

I called Grumps, still composed. He sent me home. No lunch with the girls. I began to call my friends who knew I was waiting for the phone call. Without asking they said they were on their way to my house. I then began to cry. I cried all the way home. I cried alone on my couch waiting. I finally composed myself and called my brother. As soon as I heard his voice and began to tell him the news I broke. He broke. In fact he pretty much hung up on me. He was so at a loss.

My girls and Grumps arrived at the house. My favorite junk food was brought to feed the troops, stuff for rice krispy treats, ice cream, and choco chip cookie dough. They let me cry. They held me. They made me laugh. They helped me forget for a moment how my world was unraveling. I am so thankful for my friends. They knew what to do.

Grumps was amazing. He busied himself with taking care of the girls. He was the one who made the cookies. My husband doesn't cook. BUT he read the instructions, made the biggest cookies ever and even put them on the cooling rack. He is my hero.

The rest of the day was a blur of tears and phone calls. My mom called to check on me. Oh so her to make sure we were all right. You could hear the smile in her voice. I told her I was sad and angry. She told me later that night she was only trying to protect us. She didn't want to rock our world. She was waiting for God to take it away. It just hasn't happened yet.

I want to be there right now with my mom. I want to make food for her. I want to clean her house. I want to watch movies, tell stories and just be in her presence. Yet I am here in the middle of my first IVF cycle. I have debated ending it and flying there. I don't think she would want that. She is surrounded by those who love her. I will go soon. I am not sure when. I need more information. There is talk of taking her to a top hospital near my brother. If that is the case it would be so easy to fly there. But my head is spinning.

Every thing that comes out of my mouth makes me think of my mom. Every thing I do is something she taught me. Pictures in my house bring back memories. I want to make more of those moments with my mom. I want my children to know her. I am not giving up hope. I just wish my mind would turn off and be at peace.

I will stand firm this Easter on what Jesus did for us. His stripes are for my mom's healing.

Call your mom's today. If she lives close, give her a kiss and hug. If she is far make a visit. Enjoy every moment you can with her.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Good Things

Its been awhile. I am alive! I know you were all worried. HA!

*I opened a REALLY good bottle of wine tonight.

*Toasting AF for showing.

*Lupron for work.

*S's retrieval and growing babies!

*Stims begin tonight!!!

*I am not sick anymore. (Puked behind my trailer yesterday at school. Of course the rumor mill is thinking I am pregnant including parents.)

*4 more sleeps and Spring Break is here!!!

*My heart friend got married this past weekend! I have been holding her hope for years! Her hope came true. Now she continues to hold mine.

*I have a good man. Even though he is TERRIFIED of giving me shots, he asked today if I needed his help. So sweet but I have it under control for now.

*Good friends who check on me and cheer me on!

*Finally, I believe my retrieval and transfer will be next week. NO MORE inlaws knowing! We can still keep it a secret!

So there is my little quick list.

On my bad side:

*I have UGLY cramps that stupid tylenol won't even touch!

*For some stupid reason my zits have moved from my face down to between my boobs. What the ...!

*Sleep still isn't my friend. I MISS good sleep!