Thursday, February 23, 2006

I Will Listen

Hard as it seems
Standing in dreams
Where is the dreamer now
Wonder if I
Wanted to try
Would I remember how
I don't know the way to go from here
But I know that I have made my choice
And this is where I stand
Until He moves me on
And I will listen to His voice

This is the faith
Patience to wait
When there is nothing clear
Nothing to see
Still we believe
Jesus is very near
I can not imagine what will come
But I've already made my choice
And this is where I stand
Until He moves me on
And I will listen to His voice

Could it be that He is only waiting there to see
If I will learn to love the dreams
that He has dreamed for me
Can't imagine what the future holds
But I've already made my choice
And this is where I stand
Until He moves me on
And I will listen to His voice

Twila Paris

*This is where I am right now. Waiting!

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

The Old Woman

A couple of day ago on the news I quickly saw a nice little news blurb. I went in search for it to share more in detail but I couldn't find it at all. So now it is hearsay from me.

A 65ish year old woman gives birth to a baby. She has been married to the father for the past 7 years. She has 10 children from her previous marriage. She wanted to create life with her new husband. They had 'treatments' in order to have this child.

When seeing the new mother and hearing of the story I was just really disturbed and bothered. Did she need this child? Why did she have a child at that age and 10 others from before and I haven't been able to have just one?

I say all of this for all of you out there. I am sure you were hot too. Is it right? Is it fair? Should I even ask those questions?

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Mind Games


First I feel like all of my titles are all repeating themselves. I just needed to put that out there.

I am having mind game problems. I have been crampy all week with my back really hurting. I thought that it all meant that I would be starting a cycle. I was super excited to think that now I really can start trying again.

Well what I am feeling just isn't normal. My back feels as if I have been lifting weights. NOT, I have been doing nothing of the such. My belly is no longer crampy but very pinchy and nauseous. So the mind games begin.

I am going to stop these games tomorrow morning. I bought a test. Yes, a dreadful test. I just want to know so I can stop playing 'what if's'. You know the kind. I start dreaming that I am pregnant. I start thinking about how I will tell everyone. Who will I tell first? Calling Iris first thing in the morning with the news. Getting on my message boards. I have been daydreaming all day.

So tomorrow all games will stop! I will either have my dream of a Big Fat Positive OR I will get the dreaded Big Fat Negative. At least my mind can rest. Fingers crossed!!!!

March of the Penguins


For Valentine's Grumps and I got take-out and watched movies by the fire.

I love just having down time. We don't do it often enough together.

One of the movies we watched was March of the Penguins. As I watched it I was mesmerized. It was just precious.

But it was so hard to watch. I decided that if you have infertility issues DON'T watch it.

Penguins died. Eggs were lost, cracked, and left to tousle about. Mom's worked hard. Dad's worked even harder. Then the babies came. It just broke my heart. The music was perfect and so was Morgan Freeman's voice.

But the heartache is there. I have decided that it is always there. Almost every commercial or tv show. The heart of many songs. The relationships that we have. The work place. Heartache thrives in all areas of my life. I have an empty place.

I want my own penguin. So silly but I do!

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Snow Angels


It snowed on Monday. I love it when it snows. I love the fact that I have no school when it snows. I love watching it fall and the peace that it blankets over the earth. I love watching Itsy's fascination. I love hearing the kids play in the snow. The screams and yells.

But... when I do hear those kid noise, my heart hurts.

I love to play in the snow myself. I never had it growing up so I turn into a HUGE kid. But with Grump's job, he isn't always home. I have been told to go out and play alone.

First of all, only weirdos play alone in the snow, even kids. :)

Secondly, even when Grumps plays with me in the snow, we still look weird.

I told Grumps as we were throwing each other around in it the other day how I so would love to have a kid to play in the snow with. We would have so much fun. Grumps and I are just kids at heart. We make snowmen, angels, and snowball fights. We play and laugh and get cold and wet.

One day, my little one will make angels with me in the snow.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Trying To Conceive Woes

Man, does it ever hurt without lubricant.

I think I need an ice pack now!

Sex

What a word. When you hear the S word as my little kids say, what comes to mind?

Before I got married sex was the only thing on my mind. I wanted it so bad with Grumps. We were saving ourselves for each other. It was the big fat elephant sitting in the room.

When we got married it still was the big elephant in the room. Sex didn't come as easily as I thought that it would. It had nothing to do with Grumps. It was me. It was the demands I had put on myself. I regret having my own mind hang ups.

As we grew into each other with each year sex became a nice habit. We knew what to do and when to do it. It wasn't always spontaneous. It was more scheduled but it was there.

When we began trying for our baby sex totally changed. Foreplay was out the window. It was WAY scheduled. It was done with a purpose and plan.

After a couple of years had passed and our goal seemed even further away, sex was all work and no play. We had it done to a T. Romance was lost. It became something that I dreaded.

Being menopausal made sex something in the far off distance. Poor Grumps went from having sex ALL the time to never having it. I enjoyed the break from the work. I even believe that Grumps enjoyed the nice break.

Now that we are back trying again, the work is back. I now see that I have created a really bad problem. I have let it become work. I have let it become NO FUN! Now Grumps expects the usual sex. I want more. I want to go back and make it fun even though it is with that same goal as before.

HOW? So I told Grumps, "Tomorrow night, you have a job to do. You are to seduce me and forget about you." "You have homework!"

We shall see. I hate putting pressure on him but I need more. I am so affected by everything when it comes time to do the deed. I know that I have to clear my own head before we even begin. I just wish sex could go back to the comfortable and easy way.

I think I just need to cuddle. Grumps is going to hate that!

My Ovaries

Are Stretching and saying "Good Morning 2006!"

or it could just be gas.

I am hoping for the stretching!

They're Back!!!

For some reason this title sounds familiar. I think I have used it before.

The hot flashes are back! They are double but they are back. Grumps said, "I thought that they were gone forever."

He also said, "When are you going to be fertile again?"

When was I ever fertile? I think he meant, "When will you be ovulating?" I didn't correct him. I just showed him my chart.

The questions are coming out of everyone's mouth.

When can you start trying?

What is your next course of action?

IVF?

IUI?

Drugs?

What does the doctor say?

When do you go to the doctor again?

When will you get a cycle?

I am loved. I truly know that I am. That is why everyone asks all the questions. But the truth is, I have no answers. I am in the lovely wait again! This time it seems harder than the last wait.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

My Words

Friday, February 10, 2006

The News

How do you take the news?

*Hide in the work bathroom and cry your eyes out.

*Get the email and scream at your computer then cry your eyes out.

*Drink until you can't drink anymore. At least you can still drink!

*Call a friend to cry with.

*Go out on the town and try to forget your worries.

*Celebrate with your friend then feel sorry for yourself afterwards.

*Just become numb to it all.

Of course I have been in each of those situations. Now that it has been a while, I find myself taking the news better each time besides last week. That just doesn't count.

How do you take the news or have taken the news? The more dramatic the better.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Renting My Blog Out

I am renting my blog out! Take a peek at my renter on my sidebar.

I am always up for something fun to get my mind of everything.

Piddling on the internet is the best way to solve anyone's problem or maybe ice cream.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Back in the Saddle Again


We are back in the saddle again.

Man it was a rough ride tonight!!!

I have a lot of breaking in to do.

I hope the rides start to go smoother real quick!

Saturday, February 04, 2006

The Joys of Trying to Conceive

I am sure you all have been here during this part of the journey, being lied to in order to save your feelings.

Grumps just informed me that one of our friends is pregnant. Her husband called to let us know so that when we see her tomorrow at their Superbowl party we won't be shocked. That's right she is showing because she is over 20 weeks.

Ummm as I did some counting that would mean that when we were there for Thanksgiving she was pregnant. That would explain the reason she wasn't drinking. She told me it was because of some meds she was on. They made her feel bad when she drank. Hmmmm I thought that was suspicious but I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

Lovely LIES! I would rather just have someone tell me to my face that they are pregnant. I am sure it is hard for them to get those words out knowing where Grumps and I have been and are but lying isn't going to help. Being pregnant isn't like a cold. I doesn't go away.

So guess what I did when Grumps told me that she was pregnant and we were going over to their house super early for the game? Yep that is right, cried like a baby. Grumps was a little tipsy from drinks that I had been making him. He thought the whole thing was funny. Man, it just made it worse for me. He thought I was pathetic.

I didn't want to go to their house to begin with. It will be 8 guys including Grumps and me and the wife with her 2 kids. She is a stay at home mom, which I think is amazing but we only have tv in common. Now we get to talk about her being pregnant and how I am not . I also get to play with 2 kids. My whole Sunday is going to suck.

You like my nice attitude? Grumps solution was for me to just not go. How do you not go after you said that you would? He said that I can just 'get sick'. Not sure how that will work either. I guess I can start praying for the pukes or the cold that I have been wanting all year to hit me tonight.

I HATE THIS!!!

On a side note, my party was super fun last night. Drinks, food and karaoke was a blast. Now the pressure is on to reproduce. I had told Grumps that we would have some fun tonight. I think I killed that desire for both of us when I started crying and Grumps just kept walking away.

Can I say it again? I HATE THIS!!!