A Quick Thought

While I am at it I might as well add a quick IF thought.

Being back in a small town I forgot how there really isn't ANYTHING to do but get married, have babies and eat.

Everywhere I turn people WAY younger than me are telling me about their families and asking me about mine. All are shocked when I say I don't have children but am waiting on my miracle. Of course some even say I can have theirs. I laugh and decline.

Well today I was given advice by a very young couple who only slightly dealt with IF. They haven't been trying long but did go through an early miscarriage. BUT they are now pregnant again. Here's the advice... I was eating brownie batter and she said, "You know, you shouldn't be eating that if you are pregnant." HA! Is what I said. She said, "But what if you are pregnant. You just never know." Oh so true but it truly would be a miracle if I was pregnant. I haven't been with my husband in biblical terms in a month. PLUS I am so not young in this trying business. I quit believing those small things would cause a problem. If I truly did I would have a very sad life since I have been on this ride for the past 5 years.

I am not sure if this made sense at all. But seriously, if I hear or see another young pregnant woman OR an 'old friend' who I could careless seeing tell me about their family and why I don't have my own I might hurt someone.

Anyone else used to live in a small town and then went back to visit after turning into an IF? Isn't it hardly bearable?

Over the Edge

I have no clue what my title means. I guess I am just over it all. Mainly the waiting. I will get to more on the waiting in a minute.

I had my self-evaluation at work last week. Every 2 years I am on the observation cycle. I HATE IT! My boss comes and goes watching me teach. She checks my records. I show her all my great stuff and how I keep up with parents, blah blah blah. Really it is just STRESS!

During my meeting she asked for my goals for the year. I made some crap up. She asked if I had a personal goal. Yep, to just make it through the year. I then spilled my guts and told her my story. Not all of it but the nutshell version with limited tears. Before I got into it she drops her grandbaby's picture in my hands. I am like, "OH MY GOD please stop." Well it is an IVF baby. She tried to connect. I thought WOW I have a boss who totally will get me.

Here comes her advice. First, she is putting me on her baby list. The list of women she wants to get pregnant for the year. I would like to know what she will do about all of this. Then she tells me to surround myself with all the pregnant women. To let their hormones surround me. To soak them in. To let them heal me.

WHAT THE CRAP! Who tells an IF to surround herself with pregnant women? I believe that is more like suicide. I smiled, tried not to roll my eyes, and laughed. At least my new boss knows where I am if any more crap hits the fan.

Now onto what really pushed me over the edge. You know the, "We are changing our insurance in October. I will do my next IUI in December?" Well let's move that change to next month. I know, it is only one month but it pushes my IUI to January unless my cycle falls perfectly in December. I have spent more time waiting than doing anything productive. I am just plain TIRED! Yes I know I just talked about "My time is in Your hands." Seriously what more can I do in this wait? UGH!

I guess on the bright side, I get one more extra month of drinking.

Yep I have been on a posting craze. Sorry for so many posts. It is my way of dealing.

Insightful Advice

I love how people hear pregnant or babies and assume it is you.

Today a teacher friend and I were talking about next year. I said that if I were pregnant I would be due in October. I said I were pregnant with twins I would take the year off. As I was saying all of this the librarian in came in putting an arm around me asking if I was. HA! I actually laughed. I said, "NOPE! It would be a miracle! I have tried for 4 years."

Here we go! I love advice! I love that I have tried for the past 4 years and don't know poop!

The lady said, "I have a friend who tried for 14 years. She didn't do any treatments and now has 4 kids. I told her husband that he needed to wear boxers and they now have 4 kids."

I laughed and said, "That would be nice but the doctor said that my insides look like a toxic waste dump."

I laughed again and she patted my back and said, "I am so sorry."

I laughed even harder in my head. MAN if I had only known about the boxer shorts!

I still haven't looked at my envelope. BUT I bet it will happen soon! D and I were going to check it out but we partook of too much wine!!!

About the Envelope

Okay first I haven't opened it! It is still there.

Second I totally want to read about my body and all that stuff. I love science, medical stuff (like the word stuff!) and know everything I can about myself. The problem is I don't want to read about my miscarriage. I don't want to know anything else about it. I seriously doubt that they have anything about the sex or that kind of stuff BUT what if they do?

THAT is my problem with the files in the envelope.

I seriously need to find a better word than stuff. I can't believe I sued it 4 times in a very small paragraph!!! I promise I am a better writer than that!

*anonymous ummm I am not sure I get your advice. If it were that simple I would have had MANY children by now . Trust me, I have tried it all! Those of you on this road totally know what I am talking about. But thanks for trying to help!

Thoughts

Today in my classroom one of my sweet second graders came up to me and asked me why I don't have any children.

I told her, "I am waiting for God to give them to me."

She asked me how old the other teacher I work with was.

I said, "30."

She said the other teacher is pregnant.

I said, "yes."

She then asked how old I was.

I said, "31."

She was silent after that. I am sure her mind was wondering why I wasn't and the other teacher was when I am the older one.

You gotta love being a teacher with honest children.

Also today I talked with a teacher who dealt with infertility 15 years ago. She told me her story and then told me how she couldn't remember all that she did to get pregnant. She said that I will one day forget all of this.

Ummmmm I don't think that is possible. I am sure it won't feel or hurt the same way but I will never forget this journey.

How could she have forgotten if she did IVF or not? Seriously!

My Mom

I have talked about my mom before. I have told you how she can be completely insensitive to my feelings and what we are going through.

Her compassion level for me is like ZERO. She ignores the issues that we have. Only once in a blue moon will she surprise me with true compassion. I will get a card that is meant to encourage. She will call to see how my day is. I might get a little magnet or angel or something to brighten my day. BUT things are never talked about. When I have needed caring words or a listening ear I didn't turn to my mom. I wish I could.

I have many friends who have such an amazing relationship with their moms. I want that. I have always wanted that. Now if you met my mom you would think she would be the best mom ever. She is to others. She will hold a friend's hand as they are going through a very hard time. She will sit with them and listen as they cry. To me, she ignores or gives me advice that really hurts.

I LOVE MY MOM but sometimes I wish she just understood. But she never can. My mom got married very young. She divorced a year later never having children from that abusive relationship. She married again a year later to my dad. I was born 4 days before their first anniversary. OOPS big time. My brother was planned 4 years later. My little sister came 10 years later by accident. My mom always regretted having us so early by accident. She continued to tell me how blessed I was when I didn't get pregnant right away. She can NEVER understand where I am on this journey. She would love for me to have kids but she can't understand the pain the journey has caused. How can she?

I got an email from my mom on Friday. It was nice and long. My mom NEVER sends long emails. I could tell she had worked long and hard on this email. I smiled as I read. Then I got to almost the end. This is what it said:

I got a new mag. for Christmas from a friend. a Christian mag. In it was a story about a girl who had suffered from a miscarriage. It was so good. It really opened my eyes to what you have gone thru. Not really realizing everything. I am going to send it to you. I am sorry for being insensitive to you................I just really didn't understand everything. But after reading her story it really opened my eyes to so much. The blessed assurance is that when we get to heaven our little baby is going to be waiting on us...............

I was FLOORED! It was huge that she apologized. My mom doesn't ever do that. I haven't responded yet. I think I will do that right now. I just needed some time to process it all. I know that my mom will continue to be insensitive but I have this email to remind me that at one time she realized her mistake.

She ended her email with: I love you and are proud of you. Continue to always be a blessing and to bless everyone around you.

I have let those words sing in my head over and over again. She is proud of me!

Touchy

The word touchy was used in an email to me today. To me that word means they got their feelings hurt or were offended. I know that she didn't mean to use this word but she did and it left a bad taste in my mouth.

I emailed an email to all of my contacts. I thought I could sending out the email could help see who was dead or alive in the email world. In the midst of getting undelivered email messages I get an email from a 'friend'. I use that word loosely since I really don't know her.

She asks about us, the dog, work ....

I emailed back and said the usual, life is normal, dog is cute, work is good... How are you?

She replies dogs are good, life is normal, are you guys still trying to have kids?

Okay that is where things get difficult sometimes. I can just say Yes we are or I can say that we were and lost our baby to heaven blah blah blah I go with the latter.

She emails back saying, I am so sorry I brought up to such a touchy subject. Sorry!

Ummm it really isn't touchy. If I didn't want to share I wouldn't. I responded with, this is our life. We talk about it all the time. I even blog about it.
THEN she emails back again. By now I am thinking, just stop emailing me!!!

She says, Okay I know for next time.

That was that. I know for next time. What next time? What does she know? I wanted to scream, you are a loser. Truly a loser. Grow up and deal with bad things. She didn't even say, I am so sorry you had to go through this blah blah stuff. Nope just touchy crap.

Can you tell that Aunt Flow showed up for the holidays? Nice! I think I will find a way to use the word touchy every day this week!

Things My

Mother in Law has said.

"You might want to lose a little weight before you get pregnant again. You dont' want to start off fat."

"My d&c didn't hurt me." (Her's was for menopause reasons.)

After I shared my heart about letting people see God's strength she talked to us about repentence and then said, "That is my sermon for today." What does that mean? It is because of our sins?

And the best yet...

"You know after you have one miscarriage you are more likely to have 1, 2 or even three. I just want you to be prepared when you have your next one."

You just got to love her!

Talk

Today and I guess yesterday I really talked 'pregnant talk' with the pregnant girl on my team. I guess I have moved on a bit or at least disconnected myself with it all.

She is at 16weeks and really isn't showing. She is still wearing her old clothes. Today I saw her belly do a little pop at the end of the day but still. I look bigger than she does. At 8 weeks I really looked bigger and I am not that big. She is not that little either.

She is all worried. I tried to calm her fears. Of course bad thoughts were running through my head. SO BAD! She goes in for a check up next week. I thought it was for today. I told her this morning that I was praying for her. She has been on my mind. I would hate for her to have to go through a miscarriage. It truly is hell.

She wouldn't shut up about being pregnant and all that jazz today. She kept saying, "You know what I mean." Then she all of a sudden realized my situation. She knew it before but it finally hit. She felt awful. She kept apologizing. I told her that there wasn't a need for that. I was in a good place. Of course afterwards, while at home feeling sorry for myself, I hated her.

It is just really weird talking about what it feels like being pregnant when I am not anymore. Weird.

*Oh Grumps and I did the deed this weekend. It was good ole drunk sex. I was positive that Aunt Flow was on her way. Guess what? I oed the next day. WHAT THE HECK? Fingers crossed all is well no matter the outcome in a couple of weeks. Trying not to worry.

My First Outing

Today was my first outing out of the house besides going to K's for pizza night. I had a dentist appointment. I told them when they called to remind me that I had a 'procedure' on Monday and would it still be okay to come. I caught the receptionist off guard with, "I had a miscarriage yesterday."

So I went. I didn't want to talk. I just wanted my teeth cleaned and to be done with it. My head, back and belly still hurt. I am in no place to talk to strangers. But guess what she asked me?

Are you pregnant? Or just had a baby?

HA! I said, "Nope, I just had a miscarriage." She felt like crap and tried really hard to backpedal out of that one. She saw Prenatal vitamins on my little form. She just assumed.

She tried to cover her tracks with "Well it seems that the percentage is pretty high for miscarriages." I am not sure if that was an attempt to make me feel better. I was fighting for my life not to let tears stream down my face. She then asked how far along I was. I really thought by now that she would have just dropped it.

8 weeks

"Wow!" Was her response.

"Do you have any children?" Was her next question.

Nope.

"I just thought that maybe you had other children."

Nope.

The conversation moved on to my haircut and color. It moved onto my gums and flossing. It moved on to 3 cavities. But in my head it was still there. I had a miscarriage. I was 8 weeks. Last week I was pregnant. This week I am not.

Guess what? I don't want to leave my house again. Stuff like this comes up in conversation all the time. It was so much easier saying, "My husband and I don't have children. We are waiting on God. We have been trying for 3 1/2 years." But now what do you say?

I guess, "We are still waiting on our little miracle."

The Advice Just Keeps On Coming

Now that I am fully trying again, the advice has started to pour in like the pre-Lupron days.

You would think that people would think before they speak. You would also think that they were smarter than they really are.

I had endometriosis. I was on an awful drug. I am trying to get my hormones leveled. I think I know what I am doing by now. BUT people still try to help with stupid words.

*Relax and it will happen.

*You know that stress will really mess up your body.

*Enjoy the ride and forget about the planning and work.

*Have sex and don't plan it.

*It will happen when it happens.

*Start working towards adopting.

*Then your mind will be off trying to get pregnant and onto adopting.

*A study was done on people who began adopting and got pregnant during the process.

SHUT UP!!!! I know that they are only trying to help. They want to feel like they are involved. They really want me to have a child. They continued to tell me that over and over again.

*You will be a wonderful mother.

*You need to be a mom some way some how.

So I know that they mean well but you would think that all the advice would stop now.

As I hugged everyone goodbye for the summer everyone told me that they hoped I had good news and a belly when school starts back. Now those are sweet words.

They're Back!!!

For some reason this title sounds familiar. I think I have used it before.

The hot flashes are back! They are double but they are back. Grumps said, "I thought that they were gone forever."

He also said, "When are you going to be fertile again?"

When was I ever fertile? I think he meant, "When will you be ovulating?" I didn't correct him. I just showed him my chart.

The questions are coming out of everyone's mouth.

When can you start trying?

What is your next course of action?

IVF?

IUI?

Drugs?

What does the doctor say?

When do you go to the doctor again?

When will you get a cycle?

I am loved. I truly know that I am. That is why everyone asks all the questions. But the truth is, I have no answers. I am in the lovely wait again! This time it seems harder than the last wait.

Fortune Cookie

Today was a work day so I actually got to go out to eat. Chinese buffet was on everyone's mind.

At the end of the really good lunch we get the check plus our fortune cookies.

I am not a fortune believer but I always read mine. Today's was so me, except that I lost it. So here is the revised version:

You will get your dream that have wished for soon!~

It sure put a HUGE smile on my face and everyone elses at the table!

Infertility Everywhere #1

It amazes me how many people I have bumped into who have or had infertility issues.

I talked to a lady today from work who told me that if I ever wanted to talk she understands where I am. I never thought she had been effected by infertility.

She tells me her story.

She had been trying to get pregnant for over 8 years. She had trouble even having a period. She talked about her awful experience with Provera and how it made her crazy. Finally after many tests, drugs and miscarriages, the doctors found that she had a genetic disorder where her body could not hold on to her babies.

She told me that when it is time to stop trying you will just know. It is hard when your family has kids. It is hard when people try to help and let you know that they know someone who finally got pregnant. She said that it does get easier but the tug in your heart never goes away.

She has made a life choice and has to live with it. She will not have children. Now I understand why she is the way she is. Now I have a personal connection with her.

We are everywhere!

'Helpful People'

Now this post isn't about those that have truly been my support. This post is for all those out there who try to be 'helpful'. The 'helpful' are those who think they have the answer for infertility. They don't think before they speak. Yes, don't get me wrong, they try super hard to help. They actually think they are truly helping. I don't hold a grudge. I don't hate them. But I sure do get irritated by them.

Here's my list of 'helpful' words from those 'helpful' people:

*Just relax and you will get pregnant.
*Stop stressing and your time will come.
*When you think too much about it, it is like waiting for water to boil.
*Your time will come.
*This is just preparing you to be a great mom.
*You are young.
*You have plenty of time.
*Get a dog, it will do the trick.
*Stop temping and it will happen.
*Get your mind on something else.
*Start the adoption process.

I am sure there are many other 'helpful' comments out there. Feel free to add your own. Let's see the list grow!