New White Panties

I was hoping to bring this cycle on this morning by wearing a brand new pair of white panties. Guess what?

AF IS HERE!!!!

I really wasn't thinking about those white panties bringing on my cycle; but, I had to laugh when I did go to the bathroom, looked down and BAM ruined new panties.

Tomorrow will be my baseline ultra sound and first dose of del estrogen. We will be praying for my lining to get nice and thick ready for my babypops.

We have waited such a long time to finally get this show on the road. I am nervous. I want it over. I want an end. Yet I never thought deciding to freeze so quickly to rush and take care of my mom, would create lots of thinking and praying. Thawing babypops, the number and all that jazz sure makes my heart heavy.

Anyway HERE WE GO!!!! Fingers crossed!

D I LOVE YOU!

Thanks for the phone call!

Having drinks and laughing it up while being FAT was the best night ever.

AF always sucks so toasting to her makes it MUCH better.

I LOVE YOU!

Full of my new favorite word!

I am done! DONE WITH IT ALL! I don't want pity I just have to yell

I AM DONE! DONE WITH HOPE! DONE WITH IT ALL!

Today is day 30 of my cycle. Ladies I NEVER go that long. Okay there have been a couple of months. So I wasn't going to test but I couldn't help myself. I was full of hope. All month I haven't even thought about being pregnant. I barely tried. I would check my chart once in a blue moon and then move on. NO HOPE! I just didn't care. I am trying to enjoy where I am.

BUT it all started yesterday. I was expecting my cycle to start. NOPE it didn't happen. I was shocked. I went to bed thinking about being pregnant. Thinking, WOW it would be a miracle. It must be all the dang vitamins and what not that I am on. It must be doing the deed twice in one day. That just doesn't happen. I try to stay grounded but I wake up early consumed by it. AF still isn't here. I even got like 5 emails in the past couple of weeks telling friends to pray for me or whatever. I thought, "It must be for my baby." NOPE it must be for me getting the freaking B**ch!

I go to a 1 year birthday party FULL OF HOPE! I am even wearing the necklace. I had checked when I would be due before I left the house. I had sworn to never do that again. I am so full of hope by the time that I leave the party, I stop and buy I f'ing test!

Big FREAKING FAT NEGATIVE!

I AM DONE!

I will not even mark on my chart when AF shows anymore. I will mark it down somewhere to remember the date but no more counting days or weeks. This summer is about me. I will enjoy my freedom and life to the max. Screw trying to get pregnant. I am over it this month!

Can you tell I am so done with all this sh*t? There, I said it! My favorite word!

Attention All Bloggers

Attention!!!

Aunt Flow arrived this morning! We can now start our engines and get this going!

My injections arrived yesterday in a HUGE box! They are now partying in my fridge. NOW I can really 'plan' out this cycle!!!

Aunt Flow says...

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

She came just in time to celebrate us! I really don't mind that she is here. Now when spot showed up and stayed for awhile I knew she was on her way. There was a second where I thought just maybe pregnant I was pregnant. Ummm NOPE! I had a little moment and then moved on.

Now the testing begins. Tomorrow morning, EARLY is my Day 3 bloodwork. Next week I have my lovely PAP on Thursday. Friday I have my 3rd HSG. I am taking the day off for that one since it is scheduled for right in the middle of the day. Grumps has his jerky lerky on Tuesday. SO it will be a fun week for our household!

My present for V'day is a day off work! It iced last night! I am enjoying my day in bed with my new heart pjs!!!

Touchy

The word touchy was used in an email to me today. To me that word means they got their feelings hurt or were offended. I know that she didn't mean to use this word but she did and it left a bad taste in my mouth.

I emailed an email to all of my contacts. I thought I could sending out the email could help see who was dead or alive in the email world. In the midst of getting undelivered email messages I get an email from a 'friend'. I use that word loosely since I really don't know her.

She asks about us, the dog, work ....

I emailed back and said the usual, life is normal, dog is cute, work is good... How are you?

She replies dogs are good, life is normal, are you guys still trying to have kids?

Okay that is where things get difficult sometimes. I can just say Yes we are or I can say that we were and lost our baby to heaven blah blah blah I go with the latter.

She emails back saying, I am so sorry I brought up to such a touchy subject. Sorry!

Ummm it really isn't touchy. If I didn't want to share I wouldn't. I responded with, this is our life. We talk about it all the time. I even blog about it.
THEN she emails back again. By now I am thinking, just stop emailing me!!!

She says, Okay I know for next time.

That was that. I know for next time. What next time? What does she know? I wanted to scream, you are a loser. Truly a loser. Grow up and deal with bad things. She didn't even say, I am so sorry you had to go through this blah blah stuff. Nope just touchy crap.

Can you tell that Aunt Flow showed up for the holidays? Nice! I think I will find a way to use the word touchy every day this week!

Another One Bites the Dust!

Yesterday was a good day full of hope. Today was a day of fighting the blue SOOOO bad!!!

My temperature took a nice drop. Then spot joined it all.

I had a couple of mini breakdowns in the shower and on the way to work. I was very hopeful this month. I was really walking in faith and trusting. I was reminded again was I trusting TODAY? I had to check myself again.

It is just so hard each month. The 2 week wait is full of hope. Aunt Flow brings such pain and heartache and the desire to just quit. The rollercoaster is killing me. What do I do next?

Tonight I just want to crawl in a hole and stay. We all know that I will be up and on my faith game tomorrow but tonight I am low and tired and wanting to quit.

Sorrow comes at night but JOY comes in the morning. I need some joy to push me forward tomorrow. I just am not sure my heart can take any more.

Today

I haven't been hiding. I haven't been blue. I have been way too busy trying to keep my mind off the two week wait.

Yes, the time is here to scream at my mind to SHUT UP!!!! I will spare you with all the details of what I have been thinking. Same ole same ole.

Today I HAD to have Five Guys for supper. I had to have a hot dog and fries. I ate ALL of it, well not quite all of the fries but if you know Five Guys you know that eating all the fries will kill you. It felt good to eat that dinner. It felt good not to think about the pounds or the gut or my pants not fitting. It just felt good to eat. I have no idea where this is going. HA!

Grumps is out of town for the week. I am booked every day. I guess it is my way of not thinking about my test day. Not thinking about AF. Not thinking about failing. Just NOT THINKING!!!

It has felt so good not to be blue. It has felt wonderful to push the blue thoughts fast away. I don't want to get blue again. But I feel it creeping up on me with every passing day and every day getting closer to Aunt Flow.

BUT TODAY life is good and sunny and full of hope and faith and God's grace!!!

Each Cycle

Will I be sad?

That is the question Grumps asked me today. YES I cried. I will be sad each time until I get my miracle and keep it. How can I not be sad?

Grumps has no clue and I told him that. He doesn't feel the cramps, the change, the tenderness that makes me continue to wonder. He doesn't check his temperature each morning. He doesn't watch the cervical mucus change. He just baby dances.

I know it is hard on him BUT if I want to be sad each month I have the right to be. I told him that he needed to take care of me each time I get sad. I shouldn't feel guilty when I have a sad day.

With my friend and her heartache and all the pregnant woman surrounding me I feel like I am drowning. I know I will stay a float. I always do. I know I will try again each month. I know that I will keep trying. BUT it hurts every time. It hurts more and more and more.

The endo grows back more and more each month. People continue to lap me each month. I feel more alone each month.

I was hoping to give a present at Christmas to my family. I was hoping to be 3 months pregnant. I was hoping to share the news. I was hoping to be able to hold my new nephew without crying. Yes, I have 2 more months until Christmas but the doubt has set in.

By the way, my temperature dropped and I started spotting.

She's HERE!!!

Aunt Flow started a party yesterday. She brought her friends along for the ride as well.

It has been so long since I have had her come visit. I have really missed her. I am hoping that this is her last visit though for a long time. I hope she leaves me with some luck!

I even pulled out the trusty old thermometer. I even remember before I bolted for the bathroom at 5am to grab 4 Advil. Let's all keep our fingers crossed for an excellent result at the end of this month!!!

Sanitary Napkins

I am sitting here at my computer with a WONDERFUL glass of wine. This is one of the only reasons I can be glad that I am not pregnant. I truly missed drinking. But that is for another post on another day.

Yes, I am wearing sanitary napkins or pads for short. I had to go and buy them the day there was no heartbeat. I took I along with me to figure out just what I needed. I haven't worn pads since I started my period almost 20 years ago. WOW I am sure old! I had no clue what I was buying. I just didn't want to wake up in the middle of the night covered in blood. I had an awful picture from one of my favorite books stuck in my mind every night when I would go to bed.

So I bought Always ultra thin with wings for day and also the HUGE DIAPER ones for night. I HATE pads. I hate them with a passion. I feel like I am wearing a diaper. There are times that I can actually hear it move around and make that awful embarrassing sound. I even warned my friends about it at times.

Well this morning I went to put the freaking pad on and actually read what was on the little paper that sticks to the wings. Have a Happy Period! WHAT THE HECK!!! Of course I couldn't stop laughing but truly who has a happy period? Who decided on that great marketing idea? A man?

I told Grumps about it tonight when I went to change it again. Sorry for all the changing of pads but I truly hate them with a passion. DIRTY DIRTY THINGS! Grumps couldn't stop laughing at the thought of it saying, Have a Happy Period! He started thinking of other ways to use period as their marketing tool. His favorite was, "Every month ends in a period!"

Has anyone else noticed that little saying on their pads?

*As I was looking for pictures for this blog I actually found a website where you can make your own. WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING?!!

She Has Arrived!

My lovely lady friend has arrived. She brought her friend Cramp with her too. When she first decided to show it was like I had gotten a bfp. I was smiling from ear to ear. I had to tell at least 4 people that she had arrived at that very moment.

Cramp decided to dig in hard.

It just feels good to have a clean slate. It would be wonderful if my ovaries got the message and started doing their job.

If you would like to celebrate with me, bust open a bottle of red wine and say a cheer to Aunt Flow and her friends!

Here She Comes!

I feel the knocking. I hear that she is coming. AF should be making her arrival VERY soon.

I went to the good ole doctor. I fell in love with this man who is usually is grumpy. He validated me TOTALLY. He let me know that I should be feeling bad. I should feel depressed. My body went through a major change over night.

The sweet doctor, that will be his name from now on, put me on progesterone. I had heard that it can drive your body and moods crazy. There is no way it can do any damage compared to Lupron.

I have to say that I am in love with this medicine. I feel like myself again. My moods are stable. My attitude is up. The hot flashes are gone. I am sleeping at night and feeling rested. I have normal cramps back. I feel AF making her presence known.

I am about to have a PERIOD!!!