Thursday, March 30, 2006
Today the weather was just perfect. 70's and breezy. I got to pull out some cooler clothes. I actually felt naked not having long pants and a sweater on.
I took my kids outside to write under the tree beside my classroom. The sun warmed my spirit.
On my drive home I put the windows down, stuck my arm out and sang to my loud music. It felt so perfect. It felt so normal. It felt so good.
It has been a while since I felt 'normal'. Sleep hasn't been great and neither has life. Last night I slept so good. I woke up feeling so at ease. My temperature is beginning to look normal again. My hot flashes are dying down. I actually fell like doing the deed.
God is good. He sure knew that I needed this! Thank you for your prayers. Let's hope that this trend continues.
Posted by Sunny at 7:23 PM
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Another angel is in heaven.
Today another angel entered heaven. It's mommy and daddy were left here on earth. Their hearts are just so sad.
My friend I wish there were words to comfort you. Words to take away your pain. I wish a wipe of a hand could make all of this over, go away. There is nothing anyone can do. I just wish you didn't have to hurt. I wish you didn't have to experience despair. It is an ugly thing.
Rest in God's arms tonight. Rest in His strength. Curl up in His lap and sleep in His peace. Let Him carry your load. Let Him take away your pain.
Just remember, you are not alone, even if you feel like you are.
I love you!
Posted by Sunny at 6:35 PM
Monday, March 20, 2006
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Another Sunday, another morning filled with pregnant bellies everywhere. It seems that it is a sickness these days. I haven't seen this many bellies since trying to get pregnant first got tough. Even Grumps noticed it today. Pretty soon the nursery where I help out will be filled with new borns wailing away. At one moment I was in the presence of 4 pregnant ladies. Man it got overwhelming.
I have thought of taking a break from the nursery. Taking a break from it all. Grumps thinks it would be great to have our Sundays longer to just be lunch. That would mean cutting out Sunday lunch with friends. We have been having Sunday lunches for almost 2 years. It would also mean that those little ones that love me so will be missing me. I know that sounds crazy but there are at least two that really need me in the nursery. The really bad thing would be that when Grumps is gone I probably won't go to church. I won't have a reason to make me go. I have thought about this break over and over again for the past year.
I know, you all will say, "Do what is best for you. Take care of yourself. Give yourself a break." I am just not sure.
I think you will enjoy this little part of church today. Part of the sermon. The pastor was talking about reconciliation, being peace makers. He said that we need to be right with God. We need to abide in Him. I totally agree with all of that. Then he gave an illustration. We need to be intimate with God. He and his wife cultivated their relationship and strived towards intimacy. In doing so they created 3 beautiful girls. The girls are the fruit of the intimate relationship. The love that they have for each other.
With that being said, not having children shows how a relationship isn't intimate? I know that isn't what he meant but that is how it came off. Even Grumps heard it.
I know I have been very cynical these days. My attitude hasn't been the best. I am sure you are tired of my funk that I am in. I am sorry.
Today in the nursery the conversation was all about being pregnant and babies and what not. The typical conversation. I was bad and put a damper on it all with my problems. What a kill joy. But it did make me smile. I am awful these days. For those of you who temp, mine have leveled off for the past week. Maybe things are on the up for me!
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Have you been watching Related on WB?
It started out as a cute sister show. Now it is more of a drama. The oldest sister is going through a miscarriage. It is affecting her entire life, especially her marriage. I have never been through that but do know what hurt and longing feel like.
This week she found a dog on the sidewalk. Of course the dog had an owner. It was a foofoo dog. When the owners came to take it, she tried to trade furniture for it. She didn't want to lose anything else.
In the end her husband bought her a dog for her birthay. All that being said, I just love my dog. I know how she feels. Having an animal has taken a little bit of the void. Itsy keeps me busy. She gives me love. She is still not my miracle baby but it SOOOO helps.
The show does make you sad if you are going through infertility BUT it is nice to see characters on tv dealing with real life issues.
Friday, March 17, 2006
When I got first met Grumps he had never been around children before in his life. He was so uncomfortable with them. I, on the other hand, LOVED kids. I knew that kids were my life.
Now that many years have passed Grumps has totally changed.
Tonight we babysat Little Bit, K's son. He actually is spending the night with us. Grumps turned into Super Dad. He fixed dinner, hot dogs and macci cheese. It was the best dinner ever.
The best part was watching Grumps teach him how to play hockey and shout, SCORE! They were so cute. Little bit would fall into Grumps lap and then they both would laugh and hug. MAN, that makes me desire to have children even more.
Grumps is going to be an amazing dad.
He is so wise and full of the desire to learn. He wants to impart that onto our children. Grumps plays hard. He loves to have a good time. He is the biggest kid! His heart is sensitive and caring. I want my children to learn from him. I want Grumps to be able to be a dad and to help me mold them.
I am amazed at Grumps tonight.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Thursday, March 02, 2006
I feel like I am going nowhere. I know that I am working towards a great goal. I know that I still have to wait and wait. My cycle still hasn't began. I keep feeling little knocks, pinches, bites, pms, HOT FLASHES.
All of this waiting has put me into a nice funk. I keep eating and mopping around. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
I know that this is part of the journey but it is GETTING OLD!!!
The other day on my way to small group I told Grumps that if one more person in my close circle of friends gets pregnant I will have to just bow out for awhile I know that is selfish but I am at my wits end.