For Christmas we went to my parents. We also went to church on Christmas Eve and Day.
God was there. He spoke to me.
The pastor spoke about how we needed to give God the one thing that consumed us this past year. I am sure there were many people who had to really do some deep thinking. For me it was so easy. There was no need to do any deep thinking and examining. No baby, trying to make a baby, no baby, being consumed by drugs, no baby! That is what I had to give to God.
Yes, I have done it a million times. I have begged God to take my burden. I have begged God to just hold me tight and keep me still. But I needed to give over my fears.
As I prayed and thanked God tears filled me. My vision was cleared. Perfect Clarity was there. I could feel God do what I had askeds, hold me close and tight.
I am sure I will beg God again. I am sure I will have overwhelming days. But I have to continue thanking God for His Perfect Clarity!
Friday, December 30, 2005
For Christmas we went to my parents. We also went to church on Christmas Eve and Day.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
It is amazing how your thoughts and worries find their way into your dreams. The hormones that I am on just magnify everything in my dreams.
Since starting this ttc journey my mom really hasn't been there for me in the way that I had hoped. She has sent me encouraging cards with "I Love You" in them. But there haven't been any words or questions.
While being home during the holiday there haven't been any questions. When my back and stomach have ached there hasn't been a word said. I just don't really understand.
Last night in my dreams I got upset with my mom and asked her why she had to just pretend like there was nothing wrong with me. I wanted to know why she ignored my problem. She told me that it was just that she didn't care. She didn't care what was wrong with me and didn't want to know. I was so hurt in my dreams. I cried and cried.
I know that she cares. I know that she is praying for us. I know that she wishes things were different for me. But I so wish she would just be there for me. Once again I have learned how not to be when I have my little miracle. During this time I wish I had my mama to listen and care for me.
Friday, December 16, 2005
The other day I was in the office at work thanking my principal and AP for letting us wear jeans. I told them how I needed to go and buy a jeans for this special day since I look awful in mine. I then said that it is because of the hormones and stupid menapausal drug. My principal says, "Lupron?"
I was shocked! I had a feeling that she had maybe had infertility problem since she had a little girl and was older. But it could have been because of her career. I was right with my first thought. She tried for 6 years to have a baby. She had endometriosis and fibroids. She had been on Lupron. None of that worked for her. Finally she did IVF. She was blessed with the most precious little girl.
Her words of wisdom for me were, NEVER GIVE UP! It is worth all the pain and trails.
Her kind words and caring eyes gave me hope! I am near the end. I will not give up!
Today at work we get to wear jeans. This is a big deal. We NEVER get to wear jeans. I wanted to look nice. I want to look nice so that we can wear them again.
I had a problem. None of my jeans look good on me. They stretch across my stomach wrong or give make my legs look like stuffed sausages. Or the worse case was they wouldn't zip or button.
I made a mad dash to Old Navy and tried on a couple of pairs of jeans. I have now grown to a nice new size. I didn't have time to be sad about it. I was on a mission.
Today I put the jeans on and they are okay. Nothing great or grand but at least I don't look gross.
I am sorry that all I have been talking about is my appearance but that is all that I think about these days. My plan is to get back on the wagon of losing weight and getting in shape in February once these drugs are gone!
Monday, December 12, 2005
Over stretched jeans.
Chunk chunk hanging over my pants.
New back stretch marks.
Solid night's sleep.
Normal body temperature.
No sex drive.
Then end is near. I feel it now!!!
This is me in a nutshell!
Friday, December 09, 2005
Last night I had to open my second pack of hormones. I have two more packs to go.
As I was opening my new pack I saw the side effect sheet. Of course I opened it and looked. Yes, I know that it just causes you to become a Hypochondriac. But I couldn't resist.
I have found out why I am fat. HA! Water gain! The hormones cause sever water gain. I know, I am not eating all that healthy and I for sure am not exercising. I can at least let my self feel better with the water gain option.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
I have been having the most disturbing dreams every night. I dream about people dying. Last night it was my neighbor and my dad.
I dream about confronting people and getting into fights. A few nights ago it was with an internet friend.
I have dreamed about being sick. Being sad. Leaving my husband and him leaving me.
The only true reason behind these messed up dreams is my lovely hormones. The sweet hormones that don't make me dry anymore. They let me sleep at night. They even out my inside temperature. They stabilize my moods. Yet they cause me to have strange dreams and dull headaches.
One day I will go back to normal. I am not sure if I remember what normal is.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Every year Hallmark puts out their Christmas movie. Every year my mom reminds me to watch. Every year I cry like a baby. Never during the movie, only during the commercials.
I don't just cry, I bawl. I get that ugly face and sound and then the dam breaks loose and I am a mess.
This year it was a new commercial. The little boy has to do a presentation before his class. He is probably in 3rd grade. He is to tell about his life. He uses Hallmark ornaments to give details about him. He ends with a star and quickly starts to pack up. The teacher asks him why they star. He says that his mom says that he is the star of her life.
BOOOHOOOOOO!!!! I just cried. I WANT THAT FOR ME!
Of course the commercial about the teacher retiring and the former student who is now an adult coming to give him a card of thanks came on next and made it even worse.
The holiday season is just so hard with all the family and kid commericals. One just finished about how the father loves to watch his daughter while she is sleeping. He says that if you are a parent you will understand why. What about us who aren't?
Does Hallmark get you? To be honest, it doesn't even have to be really touching. I get choked up pretty easily watching tv.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
I have had too many meltdowns. I am not myself at all. I am now a freak of nature. I am anti-me.
I have too many drugs pumping through my veins. The drugs make me blah, fly off the handle, think ugly thoughts, hurt inside, fall a part, have meltdowns, fat, ugly, hateful, sad, lonely, NOT ME!
I can feel them moving through my insides. I can feel them laughing at me. Taunting me. Calling me names. I HATE THEM!
I would give anything right now to be normal again.
I have been told my many, totally in encouragment that the end is so close. I actually got excited myself as I watch the time come to an end. But this past week the end feels forever away. The end could be next week but I just couldn't begin to see it. All I see is the now.
I will never take for granted again being NORMAL. Having normal meltdowns. Normal ugly days. Normal life.
Grumps seriously tries to help and understand but he has NO way to even begin too. I wish he could more. He finds himself just not saying or doing anything, minus today. He tries hard to pretend that I am normal. Or maybe he just forgets.
2 months 3 days till I should start going back to normal or at least close to it.
Friday, December 02, 2005
That is me, the Wicked Witch of Infertility. I have been AWFUL to Grumps and I guess the rest of the world. I freaked out last night on him for really no reason. I mean I can always come up with a really good reason but if I had just stuck to my word it would have all been okay. But I decided to freak out about dinner and act all wacked! Grumps just fed fuel to the fire with his remarks and lack of compassion.
Seriously what is up with me? I have even thought about skipping Christmas. Not actually skipping the day but the whole traditions bit. No tree, decorations, music and all. I have turned a slight corner with actually buying a tree. The smell is motivating me to move out of my funk a bit. But it just isn't the same.
I went to put my jeans on tonight, the jeans that just fit last week. They were WAY too tight. I have been so good with my eating too this week. At least Grumps redeemed himself with, "It must be your meds." He also told me that all of this is almost over. FINALLY something sweet came out of his mouth.
I am ready for sweet Glenda, the nice witch to come back to my house. This freak show that I create has to come to an end soon!