Wednesday, December 28, 2005

The Truth in Dreams

It is amazing how your thoughts and worries find their way into your dreams. The hormones that I am on just magnify everything in my dreams.

Since starting this ttc journey my mom really hasn't been there for me in the way that I had hoped. She has sent me encouraging cards with "I Love You" in them. But there haven't been any words or questions.

While being home during the holiday there haven't been any questions. When my back and stomach have ached there hasn't been a word said. I just don't really understand.

Last night in my dreams I got upset with my mom and asked her why she had to just pretend like there was nothing wrong with me. I wanted to know why she ignored my problem. She told me that it was just that she didn't care. She didn't care what was wrong with me and didn't want to know. I was so hurt in my dreams. I cried and cried.

I know that she cares. I know that she is praying for us. I know that she wishes things were different for me. But I so wish she would just be there for me. Once again I have learned how not to be when I have my little miracle. During this time I wish I had my mama to listen and care for me.


laura said...

Of course she cares. She's your mother. But I do know how great it is to be able to talk to a mom about what you're going through. My mom hestiantly, at first, asked questions, and while I was surprised, I was glad she did. Allowing me to explain things to her also helped me sort them out in my own head. Maybe don't wait for her to ask, but just start telling her about what's going on? Maybe she's uncomfortable bringing it up?

Sunny said...

Well when I do talk about things she just shakes her head and says, "oh" and then moves on. I just think it is her and how she is coping. She doesn't like to believe that there is something wrong.

She has always been like this when it comes to me. Oh well, I will have to get my loving and caring from Grumps and my friends.

Thank you for your sweet words. How have you been feeling?

miss m said...

Big (((hugs))).

Sunny said...

Thank you Monica! I love my mama but I have to remember that she isn't perfect right? But boy do I sometimes forget that she isn't.

Jay said...

(((Sunny))) It could be that she hurts so deeply for you that she can't talk about it. Pain is uncomfortable and you want to avoid it at all costs.
I'm glad you have a good relationship with your mom and that you have tons of support from your dh and friends.

snapshots said...

I know that I am wayyyyyyyyyyyy late in commenting, but catching up with reading blogs is taking a loooooong time.

I agree with Joanne's comments. That's often how people deal with pain. She may also not want to bring it up in fear of hurting you. But having met your mom it just doesn't really make sense at all, does it?

Love you super much!

Sunny said...

Yeah it really doesn't make sense. I think she sees me as weak and what I am going through as weakness and lack of faith.

Doesn't that sound like her?

Oh well... I love her with faults and all!

By the way, you are NEVER too late to comment. I LOVE COMMENTS!