Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Here She Comes!

I feel the knocking. I hear that she is coming. AF should be making her arrival VERY soon.

I went to the good ole doctor. I fell in love with this man who is usually is grumpy. He validated me TOTALLY. He let me know that I should be feeling bad. I should feel depressed. My body went through a major change over night.

The sweet doctor, that will be his name from now on, put me on progesterone. I had heard that it can drive your body and moods crazy. There is no way it can do any damage compared to Lupron.

I have to say that I am in love with this medicine. I feel like myself again. My moods are stable. My attitude is up. The hot flashes are gone. I am sleeping at night and feeling rested. I have normal cramps back. I feel AF making her presence known.

I am about to have a PERIOD!!!

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Mother's Day

Just another day.

I don't celebrate this day. I don't go to church. I don't think about it. I just go about my business.

K, my neighbor, was so sweet and took me to a movie and lunch. It was a great way to get me out of my house.

Her and her husband had one of those weeks that most married couples enough. A CRAP WEEK! When she got home, her husband was a dork. Nothing new for me, but new for her. So she came over, had a moment, enjoyed some drinks, and sang her heart out with karaoke.

It is the best therapy ever! Drink and Sing!!!

Monday, May 08, 2006

Left and Right

Everywhere I turn or read or watch, there is someone who has lost a baby.

Close friends, arms length friends, tv friends, message board friends, blogger friends, total strangers... The list is long.

I have NO words to say. My heart just hurts. I have NO clue what it feels like. I don't ever want to know what it feels like.

On the flip side, there are pregnant women all around me.

Family, close friends, arms length friends, tv friends, blogger friends, total strangers... The list is long.

I have NO words to say here either but, "I am so excited for you!" My heart hurts for me. I have NO clue what it feels like. I would give it all to just experience that filling.

Life hurts and some days it SUCKS!


That would me, a constant rollercoaster. I am UP UP UP UP and then down down down down.

Poor Grumps. He doesn't know what to do.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Party of Five

Man, even in Party of Five, infertility was an issue.

Amazing how you miss things when you aren't in the moment.

Amazing how when you are there, in that situation, it is like a huge ringing bell. It is just shouting INFERTILITY~!!!

It is also amazing how there is such a bond with anyone who is in the same place as you.

I Want to Be Naughty!

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

What About Brian

Any of you watching What About Brian?

There is a character on the show on the show who is going through infertility. She just started hormone treatments to stimulate her ovaries.

The doctor told her of all the side effects. The way he listed them was pretty funny. "Of course there are major side effects. Hot flashes, mood swings...." He rolls his eyes and gives this awful look.

The woman has to give herself shots and is keeping all of this from her husband. Yes, a bad thing because it will eventually come out that she is a freak.

After a couple of injections, she goes to get into her car and it won't stop telling her that one of the doors is a jar. She freaks. She slams all the doors. She screams. She has a fit.

OH I CAN FEEL HER PAIN!!! We are all freaks! TOTALLY WACK JOBS!!!!

If you need a great laugh. If you need to feel connected. WATCH What about Brian!

Bring Back that Loving Feeling

It's gone gone gone, whoohooohoooo.....

I guess it is more of that normal feeling. Yes, we have talked about this before but it seems that I am just having issues. I just don't feel like me anymore. I am working hard to bring it back.

I am taking a mental health day from work.

I actually semi cooked dinner last night.

I did a little reading.

I have been listening to uplifting music.

I made a doctor's appointment.

My question is, how do you make yourself feel like yourself? HA! Seriously. I haven't a clue. I have been working hard not to let my mind slip to those dreaded thoughts of emptiness. I have tried to just keep my mind busy. I have done a lot of praying. Not just for me but for others. It just doesn't seem to be working the way that I want it too. Grumps is helpless. He just stands by and stares at me. He tries to just keep life moving.

It's funny the things you do to make yourself feel better. Yesterday I really wanted to make a dump cake. (They always help you when you are in the dumps.) But I knew that it would only make my butt jiggle more. So I cooked dinner and decided to make homemade rolls. The smell is so comforting. I also picked the dead flowers off my plant. HA! Sounds crazy but it was like therapy for me. Get read of the dead so the new can grow. Kind of like me. Get rid of the yuck so I can be me again.

What I did learn is that it takes time. I have a Gardenia plant that is slowly blooming. I mean, VERY SLOW. I have two flowers right now with many more buds that just aren't doing much. Last year my plant bloomed almost all at once. This year it just taking it's precious time. That is my life this year. It is just taking it's precious time.

BUT I am ready for that normal feeling to show up any day now!