I have been on this journey way too long to have that newbie feeling. You know the feeling.
It goes something like this:
OH MY GOSH THIS IS THE MONTH!!!
I got my first opk telling me its a go. It must be the month.
The tech said that after my hsg many women get pregnant. OH IT IS ME THIS MONTH!
WOW my temps are super high. Or I had that nice perfect implantation dip! I am pregnant this month for sure.
My doctor gave me Clomid this cycle. This will be the one.
Okay do you have that feeling? The new feeling? That HUGE hope feeling? I have been on this road too long to even have that feeling anymore. Okay there have been times it jumps up but I stomp on it like a cockroach! I shout SHUT UP!
Now I have just done my first IUI. Yes, my FIRST! I should have those first feelings. They come for a bit but the reality hits. Why would it work for me? It hasn't worked for many of my friends. I read so many blogs that IVF isn't even working right now. WHY should the IUI work for me?
I so want it to work. Man, I would give anything for it to work. But to be very honest there is guilt there. Guilt that it worked for me and not my friends. Guilt that they would have that yuck feeling when they see me say "I got my BFP! It worked!!!" How sick is that? I don't want that. I don't want to feel that way. I don't want to have that stupid guilt.
I guess the remedy of it all would be to stop reading blogs. Of course I can't do that but my brain has been exposed to so much that I have lost that first feeling.
I am not sure if my thoughts make any sense. I am just thinking out loud.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
I have been on this journey way too long to have that newbie feeling. You know the feeling.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Today I got to see what the men see when they go into that little room. MAN I do feel a little bit sorry for them. Just a tiny bit.
The room was nice. It had a nice reclining chair. GROSS!!! All I could think about was how many men sat there and did their business. In front of the chair was a little tv, XXX movies and magazines and a sink with no mirror.
Man the pressure! The lady gave the directions, cup and instructions to ring the bell when we were done. We locked the door and began the jerk. HA! You could hear people walking around the hall. HOW NOT PRIVATE! When we finished, boy was it hard to aim into that little cup, we rang the bell. There was a knock at the door. The girl came in gloved. That was it, we did the dirty in a room and the world knows about it.
2 hours later I am spread eagle having 23 million spermies inserted into my hoohoo! Now the 2 week wait in JAMAICA starting Monday!
I still feel bad for Grumps and all the times he had to jerky lurky alone in a scary room.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Here is a quick update from my sick bed. Yep, that's right. I have strep for the second time in 2 weeks. On top of that the doctor wants to rule out Mono. NICE!
My left ovary really didn't develop. YEAH! My right ovary has some good follies. I had a couple of 16mm, a 15.7, a 14 and a couple of 12's. The RE was there this morning to take a look. He felt really good about what he saw. He also said that multiples could be in our future, twins to be exact. Of course I laughed and then laughed all the way home. We all know that I am not thinking ANYTHING. No hope here. It is being held by others.
My RE wants me to trigger tonight. We were going to do the IUI on Wed. but because of Grumps schedule it is moved up for TOMORROW! He goes in at 9:45. I follow at 11:45. Then we dtd Wed. and start the progesterone.
I am so glad Jamaica is next week. These past 2 have been a dilly.
Thanks for all the advice yesterday. You really helped me. Now if you could find a quick way for me to feel better I would love you even more.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
I went in this morning for my ultra sound to see how my follicles were doing. My ovaries really responded well to the drugs. In fact they over responded. I have 7 follicles forming. We really want to see only 2 to continue to develop.
My hormone levels are all good and stable so I am not doing any more injections. They want me to come in tomorrow morning for another u/s to see how things have developed. IF we do the IUI it is looking like the middle of the week. But I say IF because they don't want to do an IUI with so many follicles at my age. If I was 41 they would because many of the follicles wouldn't develop completely. If we were to change our minds and do IVF we have amazing follicles for it.
So here are my prayer requests... that my follicles would really just develop to a couple and not 7. My levels would continue to be stable and not get out of control. Finally Grumps is having to work 6am to 2pm during the middle of the week. They only do his part of the process in the morning. We could go to drive to the furthest RE office to have things done if that is the case and they can work with us OR they can freeze a sample.
I really don't want this cycle cancelled. I know that God has His perfect plans. I want them for sure.
Has anyone else had this happen to them? What did you do? UGH! Is all I can say. I so don't want this cycle to be cancelled. I keep thinking if I say that over and over again my body would hear it and do the right thing!
Friday, March 23, 2007
I have really wanted to blog for days. It is my little bit of therapy. I find that I usually feel WAY better after getting my thoughts out there to the world. There is something freeing about it.
This week has been very long and hard. Having family here really makes it tough to deal with grief and life. In a way it has been a great distraction. But it also has been very wearing.
I am very glad that Tuesday is over. I am also sad that it has come and gone. So sick how that works. I had a wonderful day getting a massage and having lunch and drinks with friends. I was surprised how during my massage I started to cry when she began to work on my arms. The thought that came to my mind was, "I should be holding a baby right now, NOT getting a massage." In fact during most of the massage I worked hard to clear my head. I found myself just thanking Jesus for my life. Then I would tear up again.
When I got home that evening I fell apart. I had flowers, cards, and emails from so many amazing friends. The love that surrounded me caused me to finally feel the sadness that I had been bottling up all day. I cried for hours. I cried so much that I just couldn't leave my room. Grumps was really wonderful. He gave me space when I needed it but also totally was there too.
Now that the 20th has come and gone I now get to obsess about this cycle. Tonight I gave myself my first injection. GO ME! I didn't even flinch! Grumps and I both prayed as I did it. Praying for it to work. Praying for amazing eggs. Praying for life to form soon. My hope is still being held tight by others but I am feeling it growing in me. My ultra sound is Sunday to see when I should trigger.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
I had a great day.
Spa with D.
Lunch with D and K.
Drinks and more drinks.
Then I got home and felt more than loved.
I cried for hours.
I have so much to blog about. I will be back soon. I need a night to just be and then I will be back to share.
THANK YOU FOR THINKING OF ME AND LOVING ME AND BEING SO THERE FOR ME TODAY~
Dear Mama and Daddy,
Don't let them say I never lived,
Though something stopped my heart,
I felt the tenderness you gave,
I loved you from the start.
Although my body you can't hold,
It doesn't mean I'm gone,
I will remain within your heart,
I promise to live on.
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face,
You have my word, I'll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.
You'll hear that it was "meant to be
God doesn't make mistakes",
But that won't soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.
I'm watching over all you do,
Another child you'll bear,
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.
There'll come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips,
And then you'll understand.
Although I never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes,
That doesn't mean I never "was"
An angel never dies...
I love you...
your forever angel.
This poem was sent by I. She found it and changed it a touch. SO perfect for how I feel today. Today would have been the day I would have held my little one in my arms for the first time. I will light a candle for 'her' tonight.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Today was day 3 of my cycle. As close as day 3 I could get. What does 'normal flow' mean for day 1 anyway? Grumps and I went in for my u/s and blood work to make sure I am not pregnant. HA! I still think that is funny. Ummm, flow is heavy, cramps are bad, Yep that means not pregnant!
I got my call letting me know that I could start taking my 50 whatever of Clomid tonight for the next 5 days. On day 9, that would be Friday, I give myself 150iu (I think that is right, the iu part) of Gonal F injection. I am a little nervous about mixing 2 powders into one shot. I hope I don't screw it up. THEN on Sunday I go for my next u/s to see when I need to trigger.
This morning we paid our lovely HUGE amount of money for our HOPEFULLY successful IUI. When I pulled the credit card out and the price was said verbally, I have seen it on paper many times, Grumps and I pretended that we never heard a thing.
My hope is very small again. I am not letting myself think about ANYTHING. No, this is going to work. OR this is so stupid and a waste of time. I am just letting it be. Going with the ride. Trying to get through this week. Counting down until Jamaica. Wanting a break!
Grumps sister and family are here. Please pray that I don't kill anyone or freak out now that I am on Clomid!
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Aunt Flow arrived this morning! We can now start our engines and get this going!
My injections arrived yesterday in a HUGE box! They are now partying in my fridge. NOW I can really 'plan' out this cycle!!!
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
I am going to blame this moment on strep throat, a headache, and upcoming family visiting.
After gathering laundry and listening to Grumps talk to his mom about me, I know that she is beginning to really worry about my upcoming week, I went to wash my face. Just a simple little task that I do every night. I go to dry my face and my face gets stuck in the towel. Stuck because I begin to cry. For a flash I think of what my belly would have looked like this week. I think of next week not as a sad week but a week that would have been. A week with a baby not company or dread. I gathered myself.
But the moment was there. Those moments scare me. You never know when they are going to come. You don't know how long they will stay.
Or is it just taught.
Today on my lovely drive to work I passed a bus stop with kids from my school. I pass them every morning. If I pass that spot and they aren't there then we know that either I am really late or I am REALLY late.
At the bus stop today there was the same cute little blond girl dancing around. She is always doing some sort of cheer or dance routine. Yes, I also get stuck at that very spot every morning. She wasn't just dancing today she was holding a baby. At first I thought it was a real baby until she threw it into the air. I wanted to scream, STOP until I saw it was way too small to be real. She was playing with this doll acting like she was rocking it to sleep for another super little girl. It was really precious. She had all the motions down perfectly. The rocking, swinging, singing. It hit my heart pretty hard. It also made me wonder if woman have this need to have babies in our genes, our makeup or is it just taught.
Growing up I always had dolls. I always played house. I always took care of every one. Of course I was the oldest so that didn't help. When my little sister was born I was 10. I became her second mom. I got up in the night to feed and put her back to bed. I changed diapers. I rocked her to sleep. I even spanked her when she got older. When she was sick she cried for me, not for my mom.
Being a mom was totally my number one desire for my life besides being a wife. I had huge plans as a little girl to be married by 18 and have all my kids by 19. Yes, I didn't have a grasp on time yet but you get the gist. I wanted it all.
So thinking back to that little girl and me as a kid, is this desire learned or born? I know the answer isn't that important but I just can't stop thinking about that little doll. If we didn't give little girls dolls would they still have that baby desire.
Man I hate how infertility can seep into all areas of your life including your commute to work.
Oh by the way, still now Aunt Flow. Of course I tested and of course it was a bfn. I also got my injectibles in the mail today. They are now loving my fridge.
Monday, March 12, 2007
There has been a lot of talk about hope around here lately.
After reading The Town Criers post on holding hope I haven't stopped thinking about it. I have talked about it with many friends. Today I was reminded of it again.
I have come to a place where my hope is only slightly there. You know the kind of hope that makes you keep temping or making a wish on a star or birthday candles. The hope you give to others that really is only a kind gesture at times. But not the HUGE hope that is needed to make your world fall apart if it doesn't happen.
I have been moving around in a very surface way. I know that my due date is approaching. I try not to think about it because I know what it will do to me. My IUI is coming up as well around the same time. We are putting out just a little bit of money for this one. Of course Grumps doesn't like that the money goes out even if we get something in return. I don't want to have HUGE hope. I just want to have little hope like a balloon flying in the air. I know that the balloon will not stay blown up forever. I even know that there is a chance it could fly away right from my fingers. That is the kind of hope I have right now.
I have decided to give my HUGE hope to my friends. D is holding it right now. I gave it to her for safe keeping. I am holding hers. Right now she is using my HUGE hope towards this current cycle I am in. My HUGE hope is believing that I am pregnant right now without even having to do my IUI. I can't think that. D is thinking it for me. I laugh every time she brings it up. See I gave her that HUGE hope for a reason. She holds it well.
Who is holding your HUGE hope for safe keeping? Or are you holding someone else's because it is easier than holding your own?
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Grumps is gone for the weekend. I have a cold. My plan has been to stay in all day and not face the world. Not a bad plan. We all know I LOVE my bed time with my TiVo.
Today I decided to not only just veg out but to begin grieving a bit. I know it sounds crazy and silly. How do you plan your grieving time? Well I haven't. I have had moments in the car on the way to work. We all know about the other night when I cried myself to sleep. Today really wasn't any different. I guess I didn't plan it. Well maybe I did.
My best friend I sent me a package this week. She had warned me of the package. I knew in my heart that one was coming. She told me it was for the 20th, my due date. She told me to open it whenever I wanted but to be warned. I planned in my head after that conversation to open it today. I am alone. I needed to be alone when I opened it. I didn't want Grumps eyes staring to see if I cried like he does when we watch a movie and it gets to a sad part. I wanted to cry and cry ugly if I needed to. You know the cry? Ugly faces, ugly sobs, gut wrenching cry.
This morning after taking Itsy out I took the package upstairs with me to bed. I gave myself time to ease into opening it. I knew that it would be special and precious and hard all in one. I ripped the box open. Yes, ripped it! Inside were the most amazing gifts full of heart and love and the things only a best friend could send.
A candle with the perfect message from "my angel". We will light it on the 20th. Then I will light it when I need too.
A little box with a poem about tears. Inside was a pin with little footprints from my angel.
Then the book. I scrapbooks amazing things. I know how much her heart went into it. It was a very small little book with memories written on the front. Inside has pictures from those 2 amazing months. A picture of my baby, the gift I gave Grumps with the first pregnancy test. All 3 tests I took to convince Grumps that it was real and my last belly shot. No words, just pictures. I told me later that she couldn't think of the words to add but then realized that the pictures speak for themselves.
I cried. I cried long and hard. I am still crying just typing this thinking about I's heart and my angel.
For the rest of the day I have just taken my time to do what I wanted to do. The weather is PERFECT outside. Seriously PERFECT! The windows are open. I am on my deck drinking wine, reading, and eating some yummy things (cookies that will add major pounds to my butt because I am a cookie monster.) I also have my favorite group blaring, The Wreckers. (Do you remember Felicity? Remember the episode when her roommate said that she knows what kind of mood she is according to which Sarah McLachlan cd was play? That is me with The Wreckers."
I am not depressed or blue. I am just grieving early. I need to give myself time to process not having my baby in my arms like I had dreamed. I need to come to grips that 'she' will never be here on earth with me. I just need this time for me.
I went to my injection class the other day. D came with me. I needed ears since Grumps had to work. When I go to the doctor I think I will listen and pay attention. It never happens that way. I go in and my mind goes blank. It is like I am in a fog. I can hear what is being said but it doesn't stick. I leave overwhelmed and slightly lost. SO I take a friend now when I can. I have learned my lesson.
First D and I had to make it clear that we weren't 'partners' just good friends. I think we go our point across. I tried to talk about Grumps a lot. HA! The nurse explained everything well. We all got calendars with our protocol mapped out. I am glad I can just look at it to remember. I am still a little nervous and confused. We also practiced mixing my meds and injecting the needle into a piece of pig fat. Just joking, it was silicon but very over used and yucky! Now we just need to wait for AF. Oh good news, my nurse, I LOVE HER, got me a deal on my meds. I just need to pay my copay. I am glad to get a break somewhere.
On the other poking front, my acupuncturist/chiropractor put little tack like things in my ears and legs to stimulate throughout my day. The ear ones KILLED the first night and also brought on a nice cold. I don't think it brought the cold but it sure didn't help my sleep. I am used to them now. I just keep wondering what my ears will look like once they are removed.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Google Calendar is my brain. I have so many dates to keep up with that it drives me nuts. I need to type my appointments in and get my little morning notice. Something to stick in my head throughout my day.
Well the other day I went to add all my March dates and guess what? March 20th showed up with .... Birthday?!!!
Boy was I stupid to put that in my calendar! My heart dropped and I quickly erased it. I would have died to have that little morning notice on the 20th.
How could I forget that day?
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
I need to be held tonight. I need to be held tight. I feel like I am unraveling. It just all hit me. Well maybe not. It has been slowly coming. The heaviness that sits on your chest. The feeling that you can't breathe.
I just need a moment for me. I need to go through my short little pile of memories from this summer. I need to look at the 'baby' picture and touch 'her' things. I need to just be.
I don't want to get here again. I don't want to sink low and not be able to get back out of the pits of despair. I have been so good. I have stayed high. PLEASE don't let me fall!
I hope this feeling lightens soon. I don't think I can hold on like this treading water and putting on my mask until April. I hope it is just a 'tonight' thing. The long days, the to do's and dates, the wine, the stress, the pms, Grumps.
I just need to be held tight tonight. Not by any flesh arms but supernatural arms. God's arms. I need to be held tight!
Hold me Jesus
by Rich Mullins
Well, sometimes my life
Just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart
Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something
I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees
And this Salvation Army band
Is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
Saturday, March 03, 2007
And all of our tests came out fine. Yippee skippy! No I am glad that Grumps 'friends' work just fine. My insides look pretty from a distance and my blood is healthy.
The RE pulled out a piece of paper to do his 'thinking' on. He likes to brainstorm on paper and then give you his brainstorm thoughts. It makes me giggle inside. He made a nice little time line for this up coming cycle.
We are on for an IUI! It all begins next week with my injections class. Next I will call on day 1, in about 2 weeks. Then do the nice day 3 u/s. Start Clomid and fsh injections and have more u/s. Then onto the IUI. I am pretty sure it will be the last week of March. We will get to enjoy part of the 2ww in Jamaica. Grumps of course would like to wait a month so that I don't ruin my chances by drinking. WHATEVER! Even my nurse said that it would be totally fine.
It feels good to have a plan.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
I was poked to day for my first time. Not poked by fingers or by shots. I was poked by very tiny needles.
YEP I had my first accupuncture moment. Of course I cried talking about why I was there. I HATE THAT!~ I can talk about it on my own terms. But when you start asking me questions and I am not in charge I just can't hold myself together.
During the entire experience all I could think about was, I didn't shave my legs. I totally forgot or just didn't think about the need too. As he is putting the first need into my foot and then my leg I could have just kicked myself. Normal Sunny on a normal day would have said, "Excuse the hairy legs." But today I felt super vulnerable.
Needles went into my feet, legs, hands, arms, belly, ears, and head. I 'relaxed' in the very cold room for 15 minutes. Of course I hoped to get up and feel like a completely different person. Not exactly. The spots where the needles were tingled. It was getting late and I was ready for happy hour with D.
I go again next week. It really wasn't bad and didn't hurt at all. I am sure I looked like a pin cushion though.
Tomorrow is our RE appointment to talk test results and a plan of action.