The Results are in

And all of our tests came out fine. Yippee skippy! No I am glad that Grumps 'friends' work just fine. My insides look pretty from a distance and my blood is healthy.

The RE pulled out a piece of paper to do his 'thinking' on. He likes to brainstorm on paper and then give you his brainstorm thoughts. It makes me giggle inside. He made a nice little time line for this up coming cycle.

We are on for an IUI! It all begins next week with my injections class. Next I will call on day 1, in about 2 weeks. Then do the nice day 3 u/s. Start Clomid and fsh injections and have more u/s. Then onto the IUI. I am pretty sure it will be the last week of March. We will get to enjoy part of the 2ww in Jamaica. Grumps of course would like to wait a month so that I don't ruin my chances by drinking. WHATEVER! Even my nurse said that it would be totally fine.

It feels good to have a plan.

Please STOP ME!!!

I have been doing so well with my eating and losing and looking good. The ice and snow hit and it all turned to crap. I tried to pull it together but stress is hitting in and a very small bit of worry is setting in.

I see chocolate and I have to have a bite. Cookies are getting devored. I HATE GIRL SCOUTS!!! The Samoas are going to kill me.

I CAN'T STOP!!!

My body was supposed to be just AMAZING for Jamaica in 4 weeks. Ummmm at the rate I am going I will double me by then.

I think I need to start therapy!

The Wait Continues

I haven't been up much for blogging. No real good reason. Just nothing has come to my mind that is worth blogging about.

I had my appointment on Monday. It all went well. The doctor was very nice and quick about everything. He made sketches and a nice timeline. He even gave us his email address for any further questions that we might have. We talked to our nurse who gave us way too many papers with dates and to dos. I am so glad I knew a lot going in or I would have been even more lost.

So the wait continues. They want to do most of the testing again since my miscarriage and time could have changed things. I am okay with it all. At least the testing will take place in a 2 week period instead of a year.

Day 1 of my cycle I call.

Day 3 I go in for blood work to check levels.

Between day 5 and 10 I will have another HSG. YEAH my favorite.

I will also have an ultrasound to check out things and follicles and all that jazz.

So I am waiting for AF to arrive. I would really love it if she never showed. I am not holding my breath. Especially after talking to the doctor about % of getting pregnant naturally or with an IUI.

While at the office I read that children are not allowed to attend. I LOVED THAT! I also loved that the magazines were not all parenting magazines. I felt taken care of. I pointed it out to Grumps. It made him do some thinking. He asked me if every time I see a baby, child or belly do I think about not having one of my own? I told him YES but that I have gotten better. I used to tear up. I used to get really sad. Now I just think about it for a second. He was so shocked and a little sad. He finally got it. He finally understood for a split second what it must be like to live in my head.

Now I need to call my OB/GYN to up my pap appointment. I would hate to have to wait even longer for our first IUI if my pap isn't up to date.

Opening

of the envelope took place!

I didn't want to. It wasn't because I was being nosy. (But I did have a glass of wine at my side.) I needed to see if it had some of my tests in it. No answers there.

I didn't really learn anything new. A lot of my files were left out. I guess my doctor didn't find them important. All of my previous testing and Grumps as well were not included. I guess since we did get pregnant none of that was super important.

My pictures were there of my lovely insides. I have seen them many times. A toxic waste dump without adhesions and scar tissue. My doctor is still shocked by that.

My old charting charts were there. I will bring my recent months along.

The pathology reports and my visit notes.

The detailed report of my lap. There I found something I have always wondered but was afraid to ask.

I told the stage of my endometriosis. I always guessed what I thought it would be. I also hoped what I wanted it to be. I teared up when I saw what it really was.

Stage IV Endometriosis

I am very blessed to have gotten pregnant at all. I am also blessed that my girl parts work. But hearing stage IV makes my heart sink a little.

I filled out all the paper work the best that I could. I don't know Grumps sperm results. I don't know all the blood tests that were done. I am sure he can figure out what was done to both of us. The big thing is the endo.

Grumps favorite question to torment me with is: if you drink, how much do you consume per week/day? I said once a day. (okay it might be a little more or less depending on the day) Grumps was twice a week. He called me an alcoholic. I told him to live in my shoes for a day. He has no place to judge.

Tomorrow morning is the big moment. I am sure I know what he will say. I still need to make my little list of talking points. I am sure Grumps will be of no help. He is only going because I know that they will want to talk to him.

I will report back with the bigger game plan.

The Envelope

My doctor told me to give him a call when I got my RE appointment scheduled. He wanted to send me off with some of my files and the lovely pictures of my insides that he cherishes so much. I had to promise to return them. He deserves to keep them for all the work he has done for me.

Of course when I called to ask if my files were ready I got a HUGE, "HEY SUNNY!" When I went into the office I got big smiles and hugs. We talked and joked and hoped that I would return soon with good news.

All the way home I thought about that envelope. I wanted to open it and take a little look at all those notes my doctors keep. All the reports and charts. I didn't open it.

Right now it is sitting on my kitchen table with the file that needs to be filled out for my new RE. My name is on the envelope. It is sealed with tape. I know that the seal isn't to keep me out. I know that I have all the right in the world to open it and read. But I don't.

I won't.

I can't.

I know what it all says. I know what my body has turned into. I know what the doctors have told me. I know that they don't lie or distort the facts. BUT what if there is something that I didn't know. What if there is more to my miscarriage. More little details that were 'forgotten'.

I know I am totally crazy. I know I should just take a look but I can't. Man that envelope is going to haunt me in my sleep for another week!

The Beginning of a Game Plan

I did it! I went to my doctor. When I got there everyone gave me big hugs and told me how much they missed me. I told them the same. I was there so often that I made friends with everyone.

I was prepared for an exam from the doctor but nope! We just talked. I gave him my charts. I told him how the past few cycles have been slightly different. I shared how I was afraid that my endo was returning. I looked through it and including my file and endo pictures. His only thought was doing another lap to see if and how much my endometriosis had returned.

I asked about IUI's. Would they work with me? Was it even an option? He told me that it was worth a try but he felt like I needed a specialist now. So he referred me to one of the many places around here. I will bring a copy of my file and borrow my endometriosis pictures and share my story with a new doctor. We scheduled a pap in March so we can talk about what my new plan will be.

I was excited leaving there but nervous that it would take months to get an appointment. I called yesterday. JANUARY 29th!!!!! Grumps and I will sit and talk and hopefully get an even better game plan together. IUIs? or maybe a lap first? I am not sure but the plan is now in action. My clock is seriously ticking!!!!