Sunday, December 31, 2006

A Moment

I had a moment yesterday. All day I was blue. Not deep blue but just a slight shade. I guess 2006 just sort of hit me. Or more like wrapped itself around me.

With the holiday pressing on me, new pregnancy announcements, bellies growing, babies leaving for heaven, I felt overwhelmed.

I put away the stupid pregnancy magazines that continue to come into my mailbox and some dried flowers from our little one in heaven. I put them in the room that would have been the nursery. I put them in my Hope Chest with all of my other memories from this summer, from 2006. I let myself look for just a second of what was in that chest. It took my breath away and completely over took me. I began to think back over this year. Lupron, friends having little ones and others losing theirs to heaven, my baby, the loss of our angel, my brother's baby, more pregnancy announcements and losses to heaven, and the holidays.

Christmas was a wonderful time with my family. I was completely dreading it. I was dreading pity and fake joy for the new addition to our family. None of that happened. There were some silent looks of compassion but nothing was spoken about. It was a relief. The new addition was precious but major work. There were no cooing and ooing over the little man. Seeing other have to work to keep him happy and quiet was nice. I had to laugh and sigh on the inside. I didn't have that problem. Not that I didn't want that problem but right then I didn't have it.

No one said anything stupid about us not having children and timelines and all that stupid stuff people accidentally say. Everyone was very sensitive to where we were or better yet, where we were not.

There was one hard moment. My brother and his best friend both have babies. They are both younger than me. I have been married WAY more than they have. I had to watch everyone play with their babies and see the look of pride in their eyes. It did me in. We left the next day. I wanted to cry but didn't have the time or the place to let it all out.

I got home to 2 pregnancy announcements. I am very happy for both but it was hard. They are both pregnant with their second child. I don't have my first yet. Mine is in heaven.

I couldn't stop thinking about how my body would look if I was still pregnant right now. What my life would be like as the countdown begins. I have lost count to how many weeks I would be at until I saw someone's ticker who is 2 weeks behind me. It made me really sad. March 20th continues to flash through my mind daily. I can't get that date out of my thoughts. I don't think I ever will.

Tonight we are off to party in the new year. D will be with me. We both want to put this year FAR behind us. I thought that it would be a year of great things. Instead it was a year of disappointments and heartache. Not saying that the entire year was a loss but I am clouded by it right now. Maybe in time the clouds will clear and I can see the good. I know it is there.

I take into 2007 a stronger marriage. Grumps has learned to protect me and read me and really know me this year.

I take into 2007 stronger friendships. I thought back to the beginning of last year. I had good friends but they have completely changed as the year pushed through.

I take into 2007 a great deal of loss and pain that I hope can turn into compassion for others.

Finally I take into 2007 a deeper relationship with God. We talk ALL THE TIME! I cry to Him. Sing praises to Him. Feel Him holding me steady and strong every day. I guess that is what this year truly is about. Growing closer to my Heavenly Father.

I really hope that 2007 is a different year. I hope that it turns into something wonderful. I am not even going to say the word baby with 2007. I just want peace. It would be amazing to have my miracle but if I get closed doors and a peaceful mind that doesn't think about not having a child every second, that would be a miracle as well.

*Sorry for the all over the place post. My brain has been writing a couple of them over the past week. It only made since to put them together even though the flow wasn't there. I know, I write this for me but I think of you as I type.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

I will...

Stand Back Up

Music Codes - MySpace Layouts

Go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
I'm laid out on the floor, but I've been here before,
I may stumble, yeah I might fall,
Only human aren't we all?
I might lose my way, but hear me when i say,

I will stand back up,
Youll know just the moment when ive have enough,
Sometimes im afraid, and i dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,

I've been beaten up and bruised,
I've been kicked right off my shoes,
Been down on my knees more times than youd believe,
When the darkness tries to get me,
Theres a light that just wont let me,
It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes,
But I'll stand back up,

I've weathered all these stroms,
But i just turn them into wind, so i can fly,
What dont kill you makes you stronger,
When I take my last breath,
Thats when I'll just give up,

So, go ahead to take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
You might win this round but you cant keep me down,

'Cause I'll stand back up,
And you'll know just the moment when ive had enough,
Sometimes im afraid and I dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,

Youll know just the moment when ive had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up.
by Sugarland

Monday, December 18, 2006


The word touchy was used in an email to me today. To me that word means they got their feelings hurt or were offended. I know that she didn't mean to use this word but she did and it left a bad taste in my mouth.

I emailed an email to all of my contacts. I thought I could sending out the email could help see who was dead or alive in the email world. In the midst of getting undelivered email messages I get an email from a 'friend'. I use that word loosely since I really don't know her.

She asks about us, the dog, work ....

I emailed back and said the usual, life is normal, dog is cute, work is good... How are you?

She replies dogs are good, life is normal, are you guys still trying to have kids?

Okay that is where things get difficult sometimes. I can just say Yes we are or I can say that we were and lost our baby to heaven blah blah blah I go with the latter.

She emails back saying, I am so sorry I brought up to such a touchy subject. Sorry!

Ummm it really isn't touchy. If I didn't want to share I wouldn't. I responded with, this is our life. We talk about it all the time. I even blog about it.
THEN she emails back again. By now I am thinking, just stop emailing me!!!

She says, Okay I know for next time.

That was that. I know for next time. What next time? What does she know? I wanted to scream, you are a loser. Truly a loser. Grow up and deal with bad things. She didn't even say, I am so sorry you had to go through this blah blah stuff. Nope just touchy crap.

Can you tell that Aunt Flow showed up for the holidays? Nice! I think I will find a way to use the word touchy every day this week!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Christmas Newsletters

We used to love sending out newsletters when we lived in the armpit of South America. Grumps would work long and hard and everyone would beg for more.

When we moved back to a normal life the letters slowly stopped. People would ask for them but we really didn't have anything to say but I always looked forward to getting letters and keeping up with people.

Last year I wrote our letter for the first time. Grumps takes weeks; I took 5 minutes. I just laid it all out there. I was tired of family and friends wondering why we put a picture of our dog on our card and not children. I said, "I found out that I have endometriosis. We have been trying to have children for a few years and are waiting for our little miracle. Blah blah blah." Grumps was happy that it was out there. It was never really brought up again.

This year we had plans to send a picture of us and my big belly to announce that we were having our miracle. OOPS to that thought! Now we are doing nothing.

Yesterday as you may have read we got my in law's Christmas letter. As I was reading I was SHOCKED to say the least at my little blurb.

"Grumps and Sunny blessed us with a visit this summer and we all spent a few days on Vancouver Island together, hiking and enjoying the beaches. We celebrated their news that Sunny was early in a pregnancy, but were saddened a few weeks later when the tiny life didn't survive. We continue to pray with them for a family."

She went on to talk about our jobs and her issues and whatever. I know that her intentions were for me to know that my baby was missed BUT I think that is a little private. I think it deserves to be asked if it could be written about. She asked if she could write something about Grumps' job. I am not one to get upset and speak my mind or be hurt. BUT I am just a little beside myself.

As for all the other letters, sorry to say that they were skimmed. I did keep all the address hoping that next year we have something to write about.

side note, driving home today I wished that everyone would lose power but me. I am tired of the lights and holly jolly crap!!!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

A Baby Has Wings

My dear friend has had another angel leave her to heaven.

Her heart is broken and so is mine .

How unfair is it to lose your baby to heaven at Christmas and on your 30th birthday.

My friend has been my life line since I lost my baby to heaven. She emails daily with encouraging words, scripture and prayer. She knows how to cheer me on. I only hope I can do the same for her now.

I have cried for her as if I lost my angel all over again. She deserves a baby in her arms. Her heart is solid gold.

God take this little one and old it tight. Give it wings to fly! Hold my friend and steady her with Your Perfect Peace.

A Charlie Brown Christmas

You all know that I am not decorating this year. In fact I am fast forwarding Christmas as fast as my little remote will go. BUT my dearest friend D thought that I needed a little bit of Christmas. That this Christmas deserved a Charlie Brown Christmas.

When she gave me my little box with my tree in it I cried. It couldn't be a better tree for the way I feel this year.

Oh on a side note, how would you feel if your MIL wrote about your miscarriage in her Christmas newsletter? Yeah that is what I thought.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

I Love My Grumps

This weekend isn't my favorite weekend. Neither is this month these days. Nothing new there. I needed something to help make me feel better. I tried the hot dog from Five Guys along with the fries. It just made me feel sick. I tried the wine which only gave me a headache. I decided I needed something sweet.

Grumps called on his way home from work. I told him that I wanted some ice cream. He didn't even hesitate. He said, "What kind?" What, Grumps offered to stop and get my ice cream? If you know Grumps you know that he NEVER does things like that.

My ice cream of choice tonight....

New York Super Fudge Chunk of course!

Not only did he pick it up, he brought me a bowl in bed. I LOVE MY HUSBAND!!!! I love him even more for going downstairs to watch hockey and give me my space.

My Friend

My friend is 5 weeks pregnant.

My friend has miscarried before.

My friend has the sweetest heart.

My friend started spotting yesterday.

My friend is still spotting but very light.

Could you please pray? I want her to have her miracle.

I am so tired of my friends hurting. It just brings it all back and makes it hurt even more.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Frustrated Once Again! But here...

New York was WONDERFUL! It was really good to reconnect. I just knew we would make a little Apple baby. Well... my temp took a dive and screwed it all up.

I was hoping to either get a bfp or a bfn at least a couple of weeks before Christmas. It now looks like I will be getting my news around Christmas. Nice when I have to be at my families with my big fake smile on. It just wears me out thinking about it. I am trying my best to push past and not obsess.

At the beginning of the week I got news that someone from church miscarried on Monday. D was an amazing friend and went with her to the doctor and held her hand. It shook me to the core. I remember all the feelings once again.

I am just pushing through working hard to not think let my mind screw me up.

Thank you all for your sweet comments and words of encouragement. You have are my steady hand!