For Christmas we went to my parents. We also went to church on Christmas Eve and Day.
God was there. He spoke to me.
The pastor spoke about how we needed to give God the one thing that consumed us this past year. I am sure there were many people who had to really do some deep thinking. For me it was so easy. There was no need to do any deep thinking and examining. No baby, trying to make a baby, no baby, being consumed by drugs, no baby! That is what I had to give to God.
Yes, I have done it a million times. I have begged God to take my burden. I have begged God to just hold me tight and keep me still. But I needed to give over my fears.
As I prayed and thanked God tears filled me. My vision was cleared. Perfect Clarity was there. I could feel God do what I had askeds, hold me close and tight.
I am sure I will beg God again. I am sure I will have overwhelming days. But I have to continue thanking God for His Perfect Clarity!
Friday, December 30, 2005
For Christmas we went to my parents. We also went to church on Christmas Eve and Day.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
It is amazing how your thoughts and worries find their way into your dreams. The hormones that I am on just magnify everything in my dreams.
Since starting this ttc journey my mom really hasn't been there for me in the way that I had hoped. She has sent me encouraging cards with "I Love You" in them. But there haven't been any words or questions.
While being home during the holiday there haven't been any questions. When my back and stomach have ached there hasn't been a word said. I just don't really understand.
Last night in my dreams I got upset with my mom and asked her why she had to just pretend like there was nothing wrong with me. I wanted to know why she ignored my problem. She told me that it was just that she didn't care. She didn't care what was wrong with me and didn't want to know. I was so hurt in my dreams. I cried and cried.
I know that she cares. I know that she is praying for us. I know that she wishes things were different for me. But I so wish she would just be there for me. Once again I have learned how not to be when I have my little miracle. During this time I wish I had my mama to listen and care for me.
Friday, December 16, 2005
The other day I was in the office at work thanking my principal and AP for letting us wear jeans. I told them how I needed to go and buy a jeans for this special day since I look awful in mine. I then said that it is because of the hormones and stupid menapausal drug. My principal says, "Lupron?"
I was shocked! I had a feeling that she had maybe had infertility problem since she had a little girl and was older. But it could have been because of her career. I was right with my first thought. She tried for 6 years to have a baby. She had endometriosis and fibroids. She had been on Lupron. None of that worked for her. Finally she did IVF. She was blessed with the most precious little girl.
Her words of wisdom for me were, NEVER GIVE UP! It is worth all the pain and trails.
Her kind words and caring eyes gave me hope! I am near the end. I will not give up!
Today at work we get to wear jeans. This is a big deal. We NEVER get to wear jeans. I wanted to look nice. I want to look nice so that we can wear them again.
I had a problem. None of my jeans look good on me. They stretch across my stomach wrong or give make my legs look like stuffed sausages. Or the worse case was they wouldn't zip or button.
I made a mad dash to Old Navy and tried on a couple of pairs of jeans. I have now grown to a nice new size. I didn't have time to be sad about it. I was on a mission.
Today I put the jeans on and they are okay. Nothing great or grand but at least I don't look gross.
I am sorry that all I have been talking about is my appearance but that is all that I think about these days. My plan is to get back on the wagon of losing weight and getting in shape in February once these drugs are gone!
Monday, December 12, 2005
Over stretched jeans.
Chunk chunk hanging over my pants.
New back stretch marks.
Solid night's sleep.
Normal body temperature.
No sex drive.
Then end is near. I feel it now!!!
This is me in a nutshell!
Friday, December 09, 2005
Last night I had to open my second pack of hormones. I have two more packs to go.
As I was opening my new pack I saw the side effect sheet. Of course I opened it and looked. Yes, I know that it just causes you to become a Hypochondriac. But I couldn't resist.
I have found out why I am fat. HA! Water gain! The hormones cause sever water gain. I know, I am not eating all that healthy and I for sure am not exercising. I can at least let my self feel better with the water gain option.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
I have been having the most disturbing dreams every night. I dream about people dying. Last night it was my neighbor and my dad.
I dream about confronting people and getting into fights. A few nights ago it was with an internet friend.
I have dreamed about being sick. Being sad. Leaving my husband and him leaving me.
The only true reason behind these messed up dreams is my lovely hormones. The sweet hormones that don't make me dry anymore. They let me sleep at night. They even out my inside temperature. They stabilize my moods. Yet they cause me to have strange dreams and dull headaches.
One day I will go back to normal. I am not sure if I remember what normal is.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Every year Hallmark puts out their Christmas movie. Every year my mom reminds me to watch. Every year I cry like a baby. Never during the movie, only during the commercials.
I don't just cry, I bawl. I get that ugly face and sound and then the dam breaks loose and I am a mess.
This year it was a new commercial. The little boy has to do a presentation before his class. He is probably in 3rd grade. He is to tell about his life. He uses Hallmark ornaments to give details about him. He ends with a star and quickly starts to pack up. The teacher asks him why they star. He says that his mom says that he is the star of her life.
BOOOHOOOOOO!!!! I just cried. I WANT THAT FOR ME!
Of course the commercial about the teacher retiring and the former student who is now an adult coming to give him a card of thanks came on next and made it even worse.
The holiday season is just so hard with all the family and kid commericals. One just finished about how the father loves to watch his daughter while she is sleeping. He says that if you are a parent you will understand why. What about us who aren't?
Does Hallmark get you? To be honest, it doesn't even have to be really touching. I get choked up pretty easily watching tv.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
I have had too many meltdowns. I am not myself at all. I am now a freak of nature. I am anti-me.
I have too many drugs pumping through my veins. The drugs make me blah, fly off the handle, think ugly thoughts, hurt inside, fall a part, have meltdowns, fat, ugly, hateful, sad, lonely, NOT ME!
I can feel them moving through my insides. I can feel them laughing at me. Taunting me. Calling me names. I HATE THEM!
I would give anything right now to be normal again.
I have been told my many, totally in encouragment that the end is so close. I actually got excited myself as I watch the time come to an end. But this past week the end feels forever away. The end could be next week but I just couldn't begin to see it. All I see is the now.
I will never take for granted again being NORMAL. Having normal meltdowns. Normal ugly days. Normal life.
Grumps seriously tries to help and understand but he has NO way to even begin too. I wish he could more. He finds himself just not saying or doing anything, minus today. He tries hard to pretend that I am normal. Or maybe he just forgets.
2 months 3 days till I should start going back to normal or at least close to it.
Friday, December 02, 2005
That is me, the Wicked Witch of Infertility. I have been AWFUL to Grumps and I guess the rest of the world. I freaked out last night on him for really no reason. I mean I can always come up with a really good reason but if I had just stuck to my word it would have all been okay. But I decided to freak out about dinner and act all wacked! Grumps just fed fuel to the fire with his remarks and lack of compassion.
Seriously what is up with me? I have even thought about skipping Christmas. Not actually skipping the day but the whole traditions bit. No tree, decorations, music and all. I have turned a slight corner with actually buying a tree. The smell is motivating me to move out of my funk a bit. But it just isn't the same.
I went to put my jeans on tonight, the jeans that just fit last week. They were WAY too tight. I have been so good with my eating too this week. At least Grumps redeemed himself with, "It must be your meds." He also told me that all of this is almost over. FINALLY something sweet came out of his mouth.
I am ready for sweet Glenda, the nice witch to come back to my house. This freak show that I create has to come to an end soon!
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
I hate the V word. I hate saying it. I hate hearing it. I know it is better than the p word which is just crude and obscene. But the V word is so personal.
Today I finally to talk to a human voice at the doctor. My discharge, crampy situation never cleared up. I needed to get it taken care of soon before the pain got worse. The nurse tells me that I have Group B Strep in my VAGINA! Did she need to say that word on the phone? Where else would I have that? I didn't let them swab anything else. It was just a given to me. I had a problem with my hoohoo.
I know I should be a grown up and use the grown up word. I would just rather use the good ole trusty replacements: Hoo Hoo, Noo Noo, Hooch, Hoochie... They sound silly but to me they are much better than the V word.
Any names to add to my list?
Posted by Sunny at 6:02 PM
Monday, November 28, 2005
Oh boy do I want one!!! or two or three or four!
My time with my drugs are coming to a slow crawling end. I cannot wait to start temping. To start obsessing. To start freaking out every month.
I never thought I would say that. I used to hate the morning routine of grabbing my thermometer and shoving it into my mouth with as little movement as possible. I hated waiting for the beep and then trying to remember what my temperature was so I could record it later. I hated the BFN and the stupid amount of money I spent on those dumb tests. I HATED it all!
But now I can't wait for all of the chaos to begin!
2 months, 1 week, 3 days to go!!!
Posted by Sunny at 9:09 PM
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I LOVE Christmas and the meaning that it brings to my life but I love Thanksgiving and meaning of family.
Growing up as a kid every year we would gather around the table and share what we were thankful for. I used to dread that moment. I felt embarrassed sharing those kind of things with my family. My mom always went over the deep end. It would take way too long as the food got cold.
One year we had to bring a Bible scripture to table to share with our "What We Were Thankful For" list. I brought Psalms 100. I was getting older and beginning to truly understand the meaning of Thanksgiving. Family.
Since then it has been my favorite. I love the food that my mom makes. The time of laughter that we all share. I loved the games and movies we would watch once everything was cleaned up. I enjoyed laying close to my mom on the couch, feeling so close and loved. I loved eating the leftovers and dessert for the rest of the day. Making dinner whenever you were ready. I loved the friends that would pop over unannounced.
Being married has thrown a small kink into the family Thanksgiving. Grumps works all the time. There is really no point in taking that little bit of time off for the holiday when I only get 2 days off from work and my family lives at least 13 hours away from me. Now I can only dream of what is going on at home. I call and listen to the family get lunch together. I call to share the deals that I found while shopping. I laugh at what we ate and how lazy I was in the preparations of it.
Thanksgiving isn't the same but I am still very thankful.
I am thankful for my amazing husband, Grumps. He can drive me crazy sometimes like no other but then other times he can melt my heart.
I am thankful for my dog, Itsy. Yes, that sounds so silly but she has brought so much joy into our lives where joy was slim.
I am thankful for my family. We never see each other but life doesn't change when we are together.
I am thankful for my friends. My friends have turned into my family. They have carried me when the road got too long.
I am thankful for health and health to come!
I am thankful for my job, home, things, and life.
Most of all I am thankful for my God who loves me more than anyone can possibly show love.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! Even though I am 2 days late.
If you are a Chickenhead reader then sorry for the repeat!
Posted by Sunny at 2:33 PM
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
I just did a search on Google for pelvic exams. I didn't think I would really actually see pictures of one. Yep, many pictures of pelvic exams. I guess I am pretty niave to think otherwise.
If you would like to see what one looks like, just do a little image search! I will not be posting any of those pictures here.
I didn't need to see them. I am now scarred for life!
Let me know if you did a little search of your own! It is like a car crash!
Posted by Sunny at 5:50 PM
Just in case I had all of you worried, I am not rotting on the inside! I have a lovely bacteria infection thingy. How do I know that?
I called my doctor, well actually the nurse. They actually called me back in no time and wanted to push me in for an appointment. THAT NEVER happens. Remember the phone tag and the week of wait? I was shocked and for sure wanted to get in. But I wasn't prepared.
You may ask, "Prepared for what?" That is what the nurse said to me.
Prepared for my lovely hoohoo exam.
Thank God I actually shaved today or I would look more monkey than human. As for my lovelies, they weren't ready. Neither was my mind.
When you know you are going to get looked at you do some mind preparation. You psych yourself up for it all. I didn't have that option. So during my exam I kept talking and tried not to picture what was going on. I tried to push it all away.
I just love the fun little moments I get to experience in this journey!
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
I love my new hormones! I love actually having estrogen back inside me. I never thought that missing that one little thing could make your life a living hell.
Now that I have that little hormone back in my body, my world is such a different place. I sleep at night. My hot flashes are gone. My moods are under control. I feel like me again. I actually have a sex drive. THAT will save my marriage if nothing else. (Not like it is falling a part but my Grumps sure has been deprived a tiny bit!)
I love my little blue box that has the little round pills that I pop out right before bed. I actually get excited each night as I pop it into my mouth. That little pill means my life is getting closer to normal. It means that my countdown is soon to becoming to an end.
I think I am in love with hormones!
Sorry for the complaining ahead of time but it just seemed like here was a good place to place them.
My insides hurt. My lovely green goo is gone but the cramping is still here. My lower back hurts. My ovaries or at least that area hurts. It is like I am ovulating but way more intense.
Of course my thoughts go to the worst. I keep thinking that my insides are rotting away. Grumps on the other hand says that it is the Lupron eating the bad stuff away. Logic tells me the eating part should be done by now. Am I dying?
I know that I say that in jest but seriously why do I hurt? Infection? I need to call my doctor but we know how great they are about returning my phone calls, not to mention the holiday is coming up.
Anyone out there have any great sound advice?
Monday, November 21, 2005
A dear friend of mine lost her little one to heaven a couple of weeks ago. She had been praying for this baby for a year. She was so surprised when she got her BFP and could call herself a mom.
She never thought that God would need her little one. She never thought she would have to say goodbye. I am very proud of her and how strong she has become through this.
I have never been there. I don't know what it is like to lose something you have been begging God for. But I do know what it is like to do the begging. I do know what it is like to have your heart hurt so bad.
There are so many babies in heaven. I can just hear them play. When we get there, what an amazing sight will it be to see all those families brought back together.
Sarah, your little one will be waiting for you. It can show you around God's big place. I love you! Your next miracle will come soon.
Saturday, November 19, 2005
I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And thought my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
by Casting Crowns Lifesong
This song says it all!!! When it comes on my iPod I turn it up and sing with all I've got! I will praise Him through it all! He is my strength!
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
It amazes me how many people I have bumped into who have or had infertility issues.
I talked to a lady today from work who told me that if I ever wanted to talk she understands where I am. I never thought she had been effected by infertility.
She tells me her story.
She had been trying to get pregnant for over 8 years. She had trouble even having a period. She talked about her awful experience with Provera and how it made her crazy. Finally after many tests, drugs and miscarriages, the doctors found that she had a genetic disorder where her body could not hold on to her babies.
She told me that when it is time to stop trying you will just know. It is hard when your family has kids. It is hard when people try to help and let you know that they know someone who finally got pregnant. She said that it does get easier but the tug in your heart never goes away.
She has made a life choice and has to live with it. She will not have children. Now I understand why she is the way she is. Now I have a personal connection with her.
We are everywhere!
Monday, November 14, 2005
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Today I on my way to the doctor I had to go to the bathroom so bad. I knew that I had to hold it for that dreadful pee in a cup moment. When I got to the office I asked the receptionist if I could go ahead and pee in a cup. That wasn't a problem.
So I went in and 'wiped up' so that they could get a clean sample. I started to pee in the little cup and guess what I did? Yep, you guessed it. I peed all over my hand. I had to laugh at myself. I was thinking of getting home and telling the world about my stupid mistake.
Here's my question? Who thought up the whole pee in a cup idea? Seriously, how can you really predict your pee and your hoohoo?
It is done! My last shot is finished and in my body. The countdown begins. At least it is a manageable time frame now. 3 months.
As I was waiting in the doctor's office I actually found a magazine that wasn't related to babies or parenting. I was totally shocked and amazed! It made sitting in a room full of preggo bellies way better. I should have said something to the staff but I didn't want to look like a dork. Doctor offices need way more magazines for us infertiles.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
I can't believe that I am almost at my 1,000 mark!
As you click onto my little blog, will you do me a favor? Will you go and check my counter? If you are Mr./Mrs. 1,000 viewer, will you please shoot out a nice little comment to me? I want to send you a big prize. ::BIG SMILE::
Today I went and purchased my last shot of hope! I decided to call it that after thinking about how I will be so glad when I am done with this drug from hell; yet it is my only man made hope.
At the drive thru of CVS I just loved the little conversation that I had.
"Ma'am, Do you have any questions about this drug?"
"What is your address?"
Me: "Blah blah blah blah"
"Um, (with a look of concern) it says here that I am to ask you about the price of this. Do you know that this drug is expensive?"
Me: "Ha! Yep!"
"Okay, well, um, the price is..... $397.00"
Me: "Yep! That would be the amount. This is my third and last shot of this little expensive drug."
By now her eyes have popped out of her head and she shakes her head, "yes" back to me. I bet she had a nice little conversation in her own head.
"What the heck is this for? Who in their right mind would purchase that? Is she dying? I really wonder why she needs that drug? WOW, I would hate that one. I need to memorize the name of that drug and look it up later. I can't wait to find out. She must be crazy!"
At least that would be the conversation in my head if I were here.
I hope this little shot of hope works!
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
I am now 30! I can't believe how time has flown by! I remember my 7th birthday that I had at Chucky Cheese. I remember my 13th. My parents gave me this HUGE bash! I remember turning 16 and being able to go out on dates without another couple. I remember my 20th and getting a basket of gifts from my mom. I remember last years hoping that I would get my BFP before I turned 30.
Now here I am 30 and my life goals haven't exactly all been accomplished. I have had a lot of reflecting time. Some of this time has been a nice little pity party. The other bit of time has been how I can make this year great.
I have decided to declare this year MY YEAR! My 30th year of my life is MY YEAR! I am taking charge! I WILL get my BFP! I WILL have my little miracle! I WILL celebrate life! I know, you might say that I am putting myself out there for more disappointment. NOPE, I am taking over and demanding a few things!
Anyone else want to join me?
Friday, November 04, 2005
Thursday, November 03, 2005
I hate calling the doctor with a question and not hearing back from them until way after they have closed.
I hate when you do call them they aren't open.
I hate that when you call them back and they should be open and they still aren't!
I hate making phone calls anyway, much less leaving a message for all to hear about your hoohoo with green water coming out of it as my students are coming into my classroom.
I hate wearing panty liners because of the green goop!
I hate the green goop that looks, feels, and smells just not so fresh. (sorry for the TMI, well not really.)
I hate thinking that my insides are rotting and no one cares. Boy am I on a roll and getting quite dramatic!
I hate anything to do with my hoohoo!!!
Any other hates?
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
I don't know if this is too funny. Okay K, my neighbor thought that it was.
You know that sleep is not all that great these days. That leads to a Lupron brain as I call it. I feel like I live in a fog. I forget things. I drop things. I just can't do much sometimes.
I have been trying to get packages together for different people. Many are way late gifts. So I get my little sister's package together. As I write her address I thing, "I am not sure that is right, but I guess it is." I finish up the address and put it away. Grumps had a break in his day where he could mail all the belated gifts. I was so glad to get them in the mail.
Today when he came home he had a package under his arm. I thought, "Yes, an early birthday present." He tells me that he has something that I need to look at. I needed to look closely at the envelope. As I look at it I say the address and soon realize that it is mine. I addressed my sister's package who lives no where near me to myself.
I have completely lost it!!!
K could not stop laughing! I have mush for a brain!
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Today I checked the weather and saw that the temperture was going to warm up during the day. I thought, "One last chance to wear summer clothes, capris, short sleeves and flip flops." Yes I was chilly this morning, but I knew that midday I would be HOT!
I passed a fellow young teacher in the hall. She told me that I was dressed for the summer. Wasn't I cold? Then she laughed and said that I looked like MB, the perfect picture of menopause. She wears capris and tank tops in the winter. When it is snowing out she stands outside to cool off!
I am now known as One of those Ladies, MENOPAUSAL!!!
It is so interesting that the day when life is really tough and every area is full of stress, the world wants to know how you are doing. I can go for months without anyone asking or checking on me, then one day 5 people ask and want the details.
I thought they all were nice to think about me and really want to know how I was doing. It was just a bad day and the added questions caught me off guard. I had so many hot flashes today my pits were permanently wet.
I don't want anyone to think I didn't like the 'attention' or 'support' it was just strange how it hit out of no where!
Sunday, October 30, 2005
This last shot of Lupron has really been tough. My first shot really effected my body. It created crazy side effects. I thought that my second shot would just continue along the same path. Nope, it created a new list plus the old. My biggest problem has been my moods. They have been all over the place. I will be fine one minute and then the next minute I am yelling and ranting about nothing. I know that most woman are like that on a normal basis, but not me. I am laid back and pretty even. Along with the moods come the "I don't cares." I just let life pass me by with no problem, that includes the dog, the house, everything.
My husband has been so faithful to me. I have been the one in our marriage to do the 'home' things (except for the vaccuming, putting the clothes away, trash and windows). But since my last shot and my moods I have just let it all go. My husband, better known as Grumps, instead of getting onto me like he normally would, has just silently taken care of my life that I have let pass me by. When the laundry gets piled up he starts it and puts it away. When there is no food in the house, he orders dinner. When the dog is driving me crazy he takes her and plays with her. When I have problems sleeping, he sleeps in the other room. When I don't want to have sex (which is all the time), he doesn't push but lets me be.
Grumps has been amazing. He hasn't been demanding for much. He has been my solid ground. He has held me and just let me be. He kisses my forehead and lets me know that life will get better.
Grumps I LOVE YOU!!!!
Saturday, October 29, 2005
I love my girls! You know who you are!
Thank you to those who have listened to me and put up with all my woes.
Thank you for taking me out and making me laugh so that I don't sit and cry.
Thank you for seeing life through my eyes these days and getting frustrated with me.
Thank you for praying for me more than I pray for myself.
Thank you for all the kind words, hugs, and true support.
Thank you for tearing up when you know that my heart is breaking.
Thank you for getting that look in your eyes and smile on your faces when you think about my time to share my baby news.
Thank you for the phone calls, emails, chats, notes, presents, invites, evenings, and time!
Thank you for just letting me be me and still loving me in the end.
I love my girls. KISSES!!!
Thursday, October 27, 2005
I have never loved food more than I do right now in my life. I have also never eaten food the way I have lately to make me happy. I guess it is pretty sad but I eat like I just don't care.
I used to way a lot more not too long ago. I worked really hard to get it off. I kept it off and was very fit up until we started trying to conceive. Then food became my comfort, my happy when life just stunk.
This summer I ate and drank like food didn't have fat and calories that stick right on those unpleasant places. It was so bad that I couldn't fit into my work clothes. I had to go on a shopping spree the night before I went back to school. I hated my body then. So disappointing. I got off that little weight that made my clothes uncomfortable. Now I just eat like I don't care. I really love it. I am aware of what I eat but it is just more fun to eat and drink and be merry.
Tonight I celebrated that tomorrow is Friday. I had 3 martinis, a salad with loads of dressing and salmon, 8 layer dip, and the night is still young. HA! There is almost nothing better than eating to put a smile on your face.
What is the one food that just makes all the bad seem faraway?
Posted by Sunny at 8:12 PM
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Monday, October 24, 2005
Today I was talking to an older lady that I work with. I told her how I didn't sleep well last night. I told her that I assumed I would sleep since I did over the weekend but that I woke up often instead. She told me that my sleep or lack there of sounded like her nights. She said that she had reasons for her sleeplessness, OLD but I didn't. I said, "DRUGS."
She had forgotten and then had this look on her face. She said that knowing what it will be like when you are old will just make you want to not be old even more. Is that ever true. I can only hope that menopause is kinder on me than Lupron. Lupron SUCKS! But someone told me today to keep my eyes on the prize. A baby!
Now I lay me down not to sleep
I just get tangled in the sheets
I swim in sweat three inches deep
I just lay back and claim defeat
Chapter read and lesson learned
I turned the lights off while she burned
So while she's three hundred degrees
I throw the sheets off and I freeze
Lids down, I count sheep
I count heartbeats
The only thing that counts is
that I won't sleep
I countdown, I look around
Who needs sleep?
well you're never gonna get it
Who needs sleep?
tell me what's that for
Who needs sleep?
be happy with what you're getting
There's a guy who's been awake
since the Second World War
My hands are locked up tight in fists
My mind is racing, filled with lists
of things to do and things I've done
Another sleepless night's begun
Lids down, I count sheep
I count heartbeats
The only thing that counts is
that I won't sleep
I countdown, I look around
Who needs sleep?
well you're never gonna get it
Who needs sleep?
tell mew what's that for
Who needs sleep?
be happy with what your getting
There's a guy who's been awake
since the Second Worldl War
There's so much joy in life,
so many pleasures all around
But the pleasure of insomnia
is one I've never found
With all life has to offer,
there's so much to be enjoyed
But the pleasures of insomnia
are ones I can't avoid
By Barenaked Ladies
Last night I thought that I would be able to sleep. I slept so good over the weekend that I felt there would be hope for the night. I never have a problem getting to sleep. As soon as my head hits the pillow I am gone. It is the middle of the night is the problem.
I wake up for the bathroom. I wake up to throw the covers off. I wake up to push the dog off me. I wake up to get some water. I wake up to stare at my husband. I wake up to check the clock again. I wake up to pray for the world. I wake up to my alarm.
By morning I have dark circles and a hang over. I have tried sleeping pills but if I don't get the perfect hours of sleep I have a HUGE hang over and can't function.
These crazy drugs! I have learned to pray for the world in a very effective way. I have also enjoyed my longer nights. I am dreaming of the day where sleep comes and stays so easily! Maybe it will be tonight!
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
That word sums up me right now. I am tired beyond words this week. I am tired body, mind and soul. This journey is wearing me out. This week is in slow motion. I feel like I am walking through thick mud and not making any progress. I am in last place in this infertility race today. Everybody is passing me by. It is amazing to even be lapped. How frustrating. How tiring. How... EXHAUSTING!!!
Today I have decided that this journey is the hardest place I have ever been. Maybe it is just because I am in the middle of it and the end seems so far away. But it is just so hard. I feel lost and hopeless. I am so tired of being tired. I am tired of feeling alone even though I know I have the most amazing support group ever! I am tried of watching everyone getting their dreams as I sit on the sidelines. I am not bitter. I am just tired.
Tonight I tried to think back to what normal feels like. I don't remember. When life is normal and drugs aren't present is life this tiring? Do you feel sluggish? Does your body feel old? Do you hurt one minute and feel fine the next? Are you this emotional? I am ready for NORMAL!!! I have no answers. I don't even have a road map. All I know is that I am exhausted.
I, this blog is for you. I am not dead yet.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
I have decided to give some do's and don'ts for anyone who is going through infertility or just trying to get pregnant.
Do trim up when you go to the doctor. Trim everytime you go. You never know whent they want to 'take a look' down there. I went once just knowing they were only going to do bloodwork. They decided that they needed to do an exam as well. I wasn't prepared mentally but especially physically. I tried to explain that to the nurse. She told me that he has seen much worse. That still didn't help me. I want to be remembered as 'the one with everything trimmed!'
Don't use K-Yjelly or any lubricant like it if you are trying to get pregnant. I learn this after a year of trying. My doctor looked at me like I was stupid. It isn't on anything. Noone had told me. But now I know.
If you have any do's and don'ts please do share. I will work on posting them once a week.
Posted by Sunny at 2:05 PM
Saturday, October 15, 2005
This moment just flashed through my mind as I pig out on dump cake! It made me smile!
I went to the doctor for my first Lupron shot. The doctor wanted to give the shot in my upper butt. As he was trying to find the right spot he tells me, "I sure wish you weren't so thin and had more meat back here to get a hold of." I got the biggest smile on my face! He couldn't have said anything else to make my day any better! I didn't have enough meat on my butt! HA!!!!
Now that my last shot is up and coming, I thought I would help out the doctor and add some more padding back there! Boy, I think I need some more dump cake!!!
After my Lap I was in the recovery. I was still super groggy. I could hear my doctor talking in my ear and the nurses around me trying to wake me up. I felt awful! I started to feel like I needed to go to the bathroom. I started murmuring about it to the nurse. Next thing you know, she has stuffed a small bedpan between my legs. I pushed and pushed and felt like I had made success. The nurse lets me know that there is nothing there but blood and shoves a pad between my legs this time.
Then I really began to wake up. I started to hurt. But guess where? Right down south. I then thought I would let everyone else know how bad I hurt. I shouted out "Man I feel like I just had sex with an elephant." The nurse just looks at me. Most people would have laughed. But she just stared. So I thought, maybe I should yell it out again. MAN, I FEEL LIKE I JUST HAD SEX WITH AN ELEPHANT!!!
I guess that comment let the nurse know that it was time for me to leave. When I got back to my mom and friends guess what I did again? I yelled about my elephant that I had slept with! The nurse was so embarrassed and told me that I needed to stop.
I had everyone laughing at this point! I began to giggle too!!!
It is funny how in a very 'not so fun' situation we can find humor. Maybe it is a way to cope. A way to deal with the awful moment. Maybe it is just truly funny. The funniest part being you shouldn't be laughing or you are the only one laughing, in your head. (I will stop the rambling and get to my laughable points)
Have you ever had a Post Coital test? Oh the joys of testing. My husband and I had done the due. I headed to the doc for that great momenting of checking out the love juice. I had to undress and just 'hang out' on the table till the doc arrived. The nurse was so excited because this was her first test of this kind. She was just all excited. HA! As I am sitting there where I sat kept getting wetter and wetter. I was so embarrassed. But it only got worse. It started to run down my leg. Great, the doc isn't even here yet! When he came into the room I just thought in my head, "how fun, he is now looking at my love juice not only in me but moving its way down me." (sorry for those faint at heart but this is a blog about infertility.)
The doctor was super impressed with my love juice. He even had a smile on his face. I had my arm across my face by this time. I am almost positive that I was blushing.
It was time for me to get dressed. When I got up from the table, there it was, that dreaded wet spot. It was HUGE! I couldn't just leave it there for all the world to see. So I balled up the paper and rushed out of the room.
Now I know that wasn't hilarious but it sure was funny in my head!
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
I know that I had said I would tell you my funny story while ttc and testing. But I am pretty pooped today! Could it be that I stay up way too late so that I sleep through the night? Man I have dark circles.
My brain is mush and so are my reflexes. I just need to sleep. Sorry for the sob story but I didn't want to leave anyone hanging. I know all my fans out there have been checking and refreshing all day waiting for my story. The crowd goes wild with laughter!!!
I shall save my story for another day when I can be a lot funnier!
Posted by Sunny at 8:52 PM
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
What is your funniest moment you have experienced during your journey? I know that there aren't many but when one happens it makes you laugh out loud so hard! You want to share it with everyone but when you do, they smile but don't really get it.
Share that moment here!
I'll give you mine tomorrow!
During this journey I have had some rotten days! I mean ROTTEN! Low, low, low days. These days would be riggered by normal things, a song on the radio, a child's smile, a pregnant belly, a comment that meant to be helpful, that little dark voice that is inside my head: "you will never have a child". The list goes on and on. On these days I would hide somewhere and cry. I wouldn't let my tears go too long. I didn't want anyone to know how week I was. On those days I could always count on my friends.
I would start with an email, "Hey guys, is anyone up for a happy hour? I really need one." That is all I needed to say and they would drop everything to go be 'happy' with me. Very rarely did we talk about what was making me not so happy. We would drink good margaritas and eat catfish. I would talk about sex and other inappropriate things. We all would laugh! By the end of the night my load had been lifted!
I love my support group! My friends that drop their world to help pick up mine. These friends pray for me and remind me of my hope!
I thank God for those 'happy' hours and most of all the best group of friends anyone could have!
Friday, October 07, 2005
Now this post isn't about those that have truly been my support. This post is for all those out there who try to be 'helpful'. The 'helpful' are those who think they have the answer for infertility. They don't think before they speak. Yes, don't get me wrong, they try super hard to help. They actually think they are truly helping. I don't hold a grudge. I don't hate them. But I sure do get irritated by them.
Here's my list of 'helpful' words from those 'helpful' people:
*Just relax and you will get pregnant.
*Stop stressing and your time will come.
*When you think too much about it, it is like waiting for water to boil.
*Your time will come.
*This is just preparing you to be a great mom.
*You are young.
*You have plenty of time.
*Get a dog, it will do the trick.
*Stop temping and it will happen.
*Get your mind on something else.
*Start the adoption process.
I am sure there are many other 'helpful' comments out there. Feel free to add your own. Let's see the list grow!
Thursday, October 06, 2005
It is so important that you have a great connection and relationship with your doctor. It is also important that your doctor has a great staff to support you through.
Horror story! I called my old doctor and asked for an appointment to go over our test results and to move on with our game plan. I had only a window of opportunity for this appointment since my husband had the week off. The receptionist tells me that she doesn't have any openings. I asked if I could come in on Saturday. I knew that my doctor was in on Saturdays. She tells me that they don't see patients like me on Saturdays. WHAT THE HECK!!! I tried to explain that my husband's job doesn't do 'time off'. She says that there is nothing that they can do for me. It gets even better. She tells me that my husband needs to get his priorities straight. That if we want to have children he needs to check his priorities or not have any. I was so shocked and tried my hardest not to cry. I asked her if I could be put on a waiting list. She told me NO that I could call everyday to see if there were any cancellations. Finally I asked if she could do anything to help me. NOPE she said and hung up on me. I sat in my car and cried. I was so hurt and wanted to give up. I would not go back to him.
I started to pray. I wanted a doctor who understood where I was. Who would comfort me, encourage me, who would do whatever possible to get me pregnant. I wanted a Christian doctor. A friend a work found a website where I could search for Christian doctors in my area. I found 2 doctors. I went with the male doctor whose office was on my way home from work. I made my appointment. They sent me information on their office. They said that at times they would pray for their patient. That is what I needed, prayer. At my first visit my doctor spent over an hour taking down my history and planning the next course of action. He told me to start praying. After every appointment he said that we just need to pray hard! I LOVE MY DOCTOR!!!
Find the doctor that fits you! Yes mine doesn't specialize in infertility. But he does specialize in caring and prayer.
Now they could work on having magazines in their office that are not all about babies and being a parent. That will be another post for another day!
Posted by Sunny at 7:23 PM
Lupron is the drug from hell. I am hoping that it turns into the miracle drug but right now it is the drug from hell. Here's the downlow on the drug. I have severe endometriosis. It has covered my 'everythings' and then some. Doctors aren't really sure what truly causes it and why it hits some woman and not others. But they do think that it is caused by too much estrogen. So that is where Lupron comes in. Lupron puts your body into a menopausal state. My body is now a 60ish year old woman. To all those who are in menopause my heart goes out to you. IT SUCKS!!! Here is my list of problems/side effects/menopause since my lovely Lupron.
*Hot Flashes from hell!!!* I thought I understood what a hot flash was like before I had one. NO WAY! Hot is an understatement! For all those ladies out there, here is the best way I can explain them. You know when you are about to have an orgasm? That slow hot feeling that rises through you. It creeps up hot and slow with a strange sweat. Well that is a hot flash minus the actual orgasm that we all so love. It is like never reaching the peak but just going over and over again with the heat. Sometimes they are long and slow and come on like a wave. Other times they are fast and quick and take my breath away. Remember, When Harry Met Sally and Sally has her fake orgasm in the restaurant? That is what I sound like when they come on quick. I used to think that women with hot flashes were over dramatic. WRONG!!! They should be more dramatic. HA!
*Green discharge* I haven't had this for a while but when I did, yuck is all I could say. It actually woke me up in the night. It was just like water. I woke up with wet sheets. AWFUL and GROSS!
*Insomnia* Due to the hot flashes. How awful to be awake in the middle of the night soaked and awake next to someone who is fast asleep. I have prayed for many of you during those long, slow nights.
*Exhaustion * It is crazy how tired I have been. I think I have slept great but wake up so tired that I can barely keep my eyes open. Thanks to Coke Zero! It has been my lifesaver!!! I have tried sleep helps but lately the leave me with a hangover. I will just stick to Coke Zero!
*Lupron Brain* I can't remember crap! I can't keep a cohesive train of thought. After doing some reading I found that this is from lack of sleep! It never ends, this viscous cycle.
*NO SEX LIFE* This wouldn't be such a bad thing if I weren't married. My poor husband is so deprived. I try to do "other things" to make him happy but it still isn't the same. I hate the thought of sex. It hurts like nothing other! I am dry as a bone. Even if I think I am turned on like crazy, DRY! I have tried many helps but nothing helps the pain. I even bleed a bit afterwards. It is just awful. I hope my husband knows that I love him without the sex.
*Itchies* At one point I had this mysterious itch. It woke me up in the night. I tried creams and benodryl. Nothing stopped it. Later I found out that I had shingles. HA! Way too funny!
*Weight Gain* Just call it the CHUNK CHUNK. It also didn't help that I spent most of my summer in bed watching tv and having 'fun' drinks to lift my spirits. I had to make an emergency run to Target and Walmart the night before school started so I could have something to wear. AWFUL! I am too tired to workout!
*The Blahs* I am a super up beat person. I let everything just roll off my back. Well the blahs are awful for me. They make me just want to curl up in bed and never get out again.
*MOODS* My name is Sunny! Therefore I am usually Sunny! With my last shot of this drug, Lupron hit my moods in such a bad way. I now have balls. Before I would just do whatever and never really speak my mind. Now my moods are out of control. I go off and freak out over everything. I hate this part of me!
*Zits* Self explanatory!
*Facial Hair* I love having a nice peach fuzz on my chin.
I think I have touched on all the ways how the drug from hell has effected my life. I have one more shot left. Lets see if I can add anything to the list. Thank God with the next shot I get some add back hormone therapy!
I am hoping that at the end of this journey with Lupron I can take the hell out of it and put the world Miracle!
Saturday, September 24, 2005
After my final test and they discovered my endo the doctor and I sat down for a talk. I was hoping that he would say that he was able to remove it all and now lets start trying again. WRONG! Of course I went to the doctor again alone to hear my outcome. I wish I had brought someone just to tell me what the doctor had said. My brain was mush.
The endo covered my kidneys, lover, bladder, the wall of my insides (I am sure it has a nice technical name that starts with a p), on one of my ovaries and everywhere else it could have found a nice home. I am blessed for the fact that my tubes are clear. I have no adhesions or scaring. I just have this crap all over the place. It is like a spiderweb of sickness.
My treatment: LUPRON, the drug from hell. This drug stops your cycle and puts you into a menopausal state. I am on a 9 month treatment. Most people only do 6 months. But I guess I have a better chance at 9. When you think about it, my treatment is the length of pregnancy. Nice thought! So now you know the reason for my wait, the long wait!
I have found that during this wait I had to decide on the attitude I would take. I could be miserable or I could have a good time. The good time was my decision. What can I learn from this wait about myself? What does God want to teach me? How can I grow through this?
This is my wait of growth!
For those of you who are trying and are in this process you know what I mean about the testing. Now for those who aren't on this journey like me let me give you a peak into the madness.
It all begins with that first meeting with the doc. We start making a plan. Of course he wants you to start charting. Charting is when you get your lovely thermometer and take your nice temperature before you get your butt out of bed or move too much. It sounds easy but oh no, it is maddening. I am one who has to pee in the night. There is no way I can hold it. So you need a temperature after 4 hours of sleep. That is hard to get sometimes. NOW you may ask, what do you do with that temperature? If you are like me you start the old fashioned you... you chart on paper as your temperature goes up and down. You want to see if and when you ovulate, your temp will spike up and stay up for 3 days when you do O. It all sounds so easy but that chart doesn't always agree with you. It goes all over the place. Man is it ever frustrating. It even becomes stressful and makes you go crazy. Hopefully as you chart for those 3 months you find a good computer program on the web that can help you keep from cheating on that paper. How crazy you become when you start moving that dot of temperature to the place you want it to go. BAD but it does happen!
Along with the charting you do some blood work to check out your levels and thyroid. I am sure a few other things but I didn't bother to ask. All I wanted was a tiny answer, nothing too big. I got a call from the nurse after my bloodwork. She said that they found a problem. Of course I am on my cell phone with her on my way home from work. I had to pull into a gas station because I just knew that some how that little problem was HUGE! My thyroid was off. I needed additional bloodwork done from an endocrinologist. SCARY is all I thought. So my testing journey moved me onto another doctor who took more blood and asked more questions. I was put on a drug to balance that out. I was so excited! This was my answer. Of course this was 2 years ago. Not the answer I was hoping for.
During my first round of testing my husband had to do his own. He had to go 'jerky lurky' in a closet with lovely magazines. We were hoping for a good count. I offered to help but he wanted to do it on his own. The results came back and they needed another test! I laughed. So bad of me. The next test showed that there was a small problem. We thought that was the reason. He was sent to another doctor to see or feel what could be wrong. All of that ended up with 'all is fine, we both just have a small problem and need to do the do everyday'! Whatever to that!
Since all of that turned up nothing we moved on to me having an hsg. Of course I don't know what those letters mean. I could look it up but it isn't important to me. But here is how it all works... You go to a radiological and they check out your tubing. You get undressed, put on the paper gown, lay on the cold table that doesn't have stirrups, listen to the doctor tell you how they haven't done many of these, open up, clench the air as the doc puts in the small spaghetti sized tube into your cervix with a little balloon at the end, then move up the table with something up in you. I have to stop there since my tube popped out and the day got very unhappy with me. Yeah like I popped it out on purpose! So we start all over again, then the dye. Man the dye hurts like crazy! CRAMP CRAMP CRAMP city! Not only does it hurt but you have to roll over on each side and watch the dye run through your tubes. MY TUBES WERE CLEAR! That is what I wanted to hear. Now you have to get off the table walk to the bathroom while the dye runs out and you get to put the world's largest pad on and walk out of the office trying not to let the world know you are wearing a diaper.
Now what do you do when all the tests are clear? What is the problem? Well I was overwhelmed and took a break. It also didn't help that my husband was not around much and doing the do on the right time seemed impossible.
The next step was the final test, a laparoscopy. They put you under and put a scope through your belly while filling it full of air. They also put a 'probe' in (you like my technical talk) on one side of your belly. I had 3 probes and one in my hoohoo! This process can take up to 1 1/2 hours or just 30 minutes. Mine was the full time. The doc takes pictures of your insides as he tries to remove any 'bad stuff'. Well I had bad stuff for sure! I had endometriosis everywhere. The worse case he had ever seen. He shares this with my family as I try to wake up. As I am waking up I am HURTING like I had sex with an elephant. Of course I yell that a few times that day to whoever would listen. The recovery is a lot longer than I had planned but it gave me time to be taken care of by my mom and feel super loved.
Now with the discovery of the problem the testing stops and the treatment begins. The testing journey can be different for each person. Some doctors do the bloodwork and then move on to treatment and drugs. I am glad mine kept testing even though it was painful each step of the way.
Friday, September 23, 2005
When we began this journey of trying to create life, we didn't think it would be a long journey. But the one year mark came and we were confused. It just wasn't 'normal'. So the appointment was made. I was to go talk to a doctor about the one year mark. Boy was I scared. Of course I went alone. I do most things like this alone. I am a big girl!
I of course waited forever in the waiting room with other woman. Some were pregnant. Others weren't showing or were in my boat. I flipped through the pregnancy magazines thinking when could I use the knowledge that I got from them. Then I get called into the back. There were the scales, the blood pressure, the temperature, the peeing in a cup, the paperwork. The paperwork was the scariest. So many questions about me and my husband. Questions that made me think. What was are problem?
I then got moved into the doc's private room. There I waited some more. My fears were mounting. Maybe we couldn't have children. Or maybe this doctor would be our 'savior'. The doctor entered and didn't take long to begin. Questions, questions, questions. Intrusive. I almost felt violated with the questions. He was so blunt and straight forward. He told me the reality, more than likely we wouldn't be able to have children. We needed to start thinking of our options.
It took my breath away, those words. I was shocked! How did he know that? He hadn't even known me more than 10 minutes. The tears started to rise. My head started to swim. I just wanted out of that office. But it did bring me to reality. What was our problem?
The testing would begin...
My life changed that day. My faith was tested. My life would never be the same.
I feel that my middle of the road journey is so all over the place. I want my rambles to come off with some sort of help and insight. But being all over the place is where I am. I am all over the place with my thoughts. I have good days, and some not so good days. Have any of you had those 'not so good days'? They can be ugly.
I so wish I can start all over and begin with clarity but if you know me now in the middle and also knew me at the beginning you can attest that I am not the same. If you look at me up close I am for sure not the same. I blame it on the wait and the drugs, Lupron. I call it the Lupron Brain. It makes me slightly crazy! HA! That sure is an understatement.
I guess this post is a disclaimer to the rambles. Please forgive me. I just want to tell my story even if it is all over the place.
Posted by Sunny at 8:51 PM
Thursday, September 22, 2005
What do you say to people when they ask if you have any kids? What do you say when they ask if you will ever have them?
Infertility is such a secret disease. I think back to the many couples in my life who never had children. I thought they had made that decision and love being without kids. But thinking back I imagine that they just couldn't and were embarrassed and ashamed of it.
Now this disease is coming out in the open more. I have met many people who tried years for their own little miracle. I now know the look in the eye. That far off look of longing. It is the saddest and deepest look.
I hope people open up more and share their dark secret of being childless. If we all come together we will be stronger. I have met so many amazing women online who know just what I am talking about. I have seen many of them have that awful, dreaded week of trying not to get their hopes up and then watching them fall again and again. Some of them are still with me in this crazy journey. Others have moved on to their miracle. But I thank and love each of them for being with me on this journey.
We all just need to say what is in our hearts, "I am waiting for my little miracle in God's perfect timing."
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Today on the way to church and during the worship I heard many of the songs that gave me hope this past year. I love music, all kinds. But the music that I always turn to when I feel lost is praise music. It is like God is talking to me through it. I can feel Him holding my hand or carrying me along as soon as the song comes on. It is amazing what it does to my spirit.
When I used to hear these songs from my journey, I would go speechless. I would even silently cry. Now that I am in the middle of my waiting period they give me hope. They make me want to shout the words from the rooftops.
I remember one week when I was having a 'blue day/week'. (That is what I call my days when I could stay in bed under the covers for the rest of my life.) God gave me a song or actually a part of a song to sing and play in my head over and over again from morning to night: The Voice of Truth. I would just repeat 'the voice of truth' whenever my mind was silent. It was a reminder that when things get really down and the voice of doubt comes into my thoughts, God's promises, the Voice of Truth, will always prevail.
Not only did I hear that song today, but I heard my journey song, Made Me Glad. I would put that song on repeat and let it consume my thoughts. One week my good friend sang it at church (like she did today) and I just cried. She came and sat beside me and told me that it was for me. That week I thought for sure I was pregnant. My hopes were so high. Higher than they had ever been when at last I got that horrible big fat negative on my millionth pregnancy test. That sky high hope went crashing down to the depths of nothing. Once again God spoke to me throught that song, through my friend.
I will bless the Lord forever
I will trust Him at all times
He has delivered me from all fear
He has set my feet upon a rock
I will not be moved
And I'll say of the Lord
You are my shield, my strength
My portion, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower
My very present help in time of need
Whom have I in heaven but You
There's none I desire beside You
You have made me glad
And I'll say of the Lord
You are my shield, my strength
My portion, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower
My very present help in time of need
In Psalms David said, "This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice in it!" When he said that he was hiding from King Saul, fearing for his life. It wasn't a good day at all; yet he trusted God and because of that he would rejoice! I will rejoice to my great God throughout this journey, from the beginning, middle and end!
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Here I am starting a blog about my journey in this trying to concieve process right dab in the middle. You know it would have been a lot smarter to start at the beginning but who plans for it to take this long. I thought I would be Mrs. Fertile Mertil. My husband and I thought that it would happen with a snap of our fingers. We were always so careful and had planned it out to that 'perfect timing' never thinking that it could take forever. Everyone around us got pregnant when they wanted to. Atleast that is what we thought. We thought we had it all planned.
Now here we are 2 1/2 years later and still no little one to hold. We are in the middle of this journey. Not at the beginning, where the story would make more sense. Not at the end where we would love to be. But in the middle!
This is my journey. There will be times where I will go back and share where it all began. The first year of still holding on and thinking we were there every month. The second year where hope was almost lost. And now... playing the waiting game. I hope somewhere in all of this I can give others hope and help. I can answer questions. But most of all, I can share what I have learned about me!