Sunday, April 29, 2007

I Love My Grumps

It all started with me coming home on Friday sad and broken hearted for D and me. He set up the hammock. I needed time to think and be. I came inside after awhile upset. Grumps held me and said, "Is it the wine or your heart talking?" I got to love how much he knows me. It was both. He held me and let me cry without words of wisdom just arms of love.

Yesterday was a beautiful day. I needed to get out of the house. We decided to go downtown to the waterfront where we love to sit and drink and eat and sit and drink and eat. I was afraid Grumps would be tight with the money since it has been the talk lately. Not yesterday. He told me that I could have what I wanted and when I wanted it. I SO took advantage of it!

Today was church. We got to the announcements: Mother's Day, BABY DEDICATIONS! I was just about to lean over and say, "We aren't going." I knew he knew that we weren't since we hadn't in 3 years. It was silent for a second and then he leans over and says, "We should bring the dog to get dedicated." I laughed so hard and so loud. SO PERFECT! He felt my sad heart but wanted it to be light again.

YES he can drive me crazy but he also can be just what I need.

Now I am on the deck in the sun enjoying wine and good music. I also re potted plants. It was the only thing on my to do list last summer when my world fell apart. I have been putting it off since. Today was the perfect day for it. I am feeling good. I am feeling strong. I even had moment with Grumps that wasn't business driven. Maybe the old me is back for a bit!

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

My Wish

D this is for you and anyone else who needs their wish to come true!

My Wish

Rascal Flatts
I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you wanna go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
if it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.
But more than anything, more than anything...

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
[ Lyrics found on ]

and you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and always give more than you take.
But More than anything, yeah, more than anything...

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish. Yeah.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

*I looked hard to find the song or video to post but no luck.

Angel after Angel

I always wanted to walk this hard walk with a friend who totally understood in every way. D became that friend. We have carried each other through many tough spots.

D and I were supposed to be pregnant together. I would have been 2 weeks behind her if my IUI had worked. We were both sad to know that our plans didn't work.

I was so happy to know she was going to have her baby in her arms in December. I was a little jealous. I was a little sad knowing that our friendship would change but I was so happy!

Today she found out that she is losing another angel to heaven. Her third angel.

I now wish she never knew what it felt like. I wish she never had to walk this awful road. I wish her dreams would come true the first time like most people. I wish she could have her dream and I could have mine.

D now has 3 angels. 3 precious little ones to play with my baby. I cannot wait until the day I can hold her babies in my arms and listen to their giggles.

D I LOVE YOU! I am here for you but I know I don't even need to tell you that.

This sucks so drinks are on me!

Saturday, April 21, 2007

So Hard

Back when we started
We didn't know how hard it was
Living on nothing
But what the wind would bring to us
Now we've got something
I can imagine fighting for
So why is fighting all that we're good at anymore

And sometimes I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong
And I try my best to be strong
But you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard

It felt like a given
Something a woman's born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard

I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully

Last night you told me
That you can't remember
How to feel free

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy, easy

It's so hard

Dixie Chicks

I know that this song has been around for awhile. I heard it the other day driving home from work. It was perfect for how I have been feeling. Why does it all have to be so hard? Why can't it be easy?

Thursday, April 19, 2007

I Need a Pity Party

Eating and drinking has been fun the past 2 weeks. I am afraid to get on the scale. But I am enjoying being bad. HA!

I am so feeling left behind. I have been lapped over and over again. My years of trying are beginning to add up. I know that there are others who have been on this road WAY longer but right now it feels like eternity.

My marriage has changed. I can't even begin to figure this out. We don't get each other any more on the heart of the matter. We both just ignore it.

I am beginning to wonder if I want a child because I can't have one or because it is a true desire. I used to dream of a family. Now I dream of what seems like I can't have. My mind seems so twisted. I doubt my true intentions any more.

How easy would it be to just live my life the way it is now. It is so full. If I just say, "I give up. It is over." Would I be happy? Would others understand or would they look at me as a failure?

I feel myself pulling away from everything and everyone.

Any wisdom? I don't need lip service but serious wisdom.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Barren Bitches Book Tour 3: The Time Traveler's Wife

I read The Time Traveler's Wife last year before I had a miscarriage myself. It touched me to the core of my being. I fell in love with the characters and found myself pleading God for a different ending. After my own loss of an angel to heaven I began to think about this book again and again. It began to haunt me. I had an even more connection with it. This is a book that should be read over and over to be reminded of love and loss.

Take some time to read the questions and comment as they touch you. If you haven't read the book, do. You will never be the same.

Don't forget to hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Waiting for Daisy by Peggy Orenstein.

Onto the questions!!!

Loss (and unrealized dreams) are a theme in this story -- Henry loses his mother, Clare loses Henry often and sometimes for long stretches, Clare's grandmother loses her brother and her husband, etc. At one point, her grandmother asks Clare, "do you ever miss him?" She replies, "every day, every minute. Every minute, yes that's the way, isn't it?" ... Self-pity floods me as though I've been injected with it. It's that way, isn't it? Isn't it?" How has your loss and/or unrealized dream changed you?

I have been talking and thinking about this very thought all week. Before my unrealized dream of having a family and the loss of my little one to heaven I was every one's cheerleader. I was full of hope and optimism. I never wavered in doubt or faith. I ALWAYS saw the silver lining. Now that I am still waiting while many others have moved on to their dreams I am changed. I don't see the world quite the same. I still have a positive attitude but it is very guarded. I still cheer others on but deep inside I have a little doubt that never was there before. I long for the old me sometimes. I am not sure I like how I am changed.

That is the ugly change that has happened. I keep that part a secret. It only comes out when I am low and blue. I believe that there has been good change. I value life more. I cherish my friendships to a greater regard. I work hard to find the little blessings that are in my life that before would have gone unnoticed. I have compassion and understanding because I have felt loss. I now know what it means for God to be my everything.

If someone told you with certainty that you will have a baby sometime in the near future, like Clare was told, how would that affect you? Would it change your approach to cycling?

My hope would be restored. I would have a new strength to push forward past the loss and pain and disappointment. Knowing that my dream would be coming true at some point would give me the reason not to stop. But I also believe that it would drive me crazy each month even more. I would wonder if this was the month. I also wonder if I would relax or do the opposite and work harder, which is funny since you can only do so much in order to conceive. I also wonder if I would question the person as time went on and my dream still hadn't come true.

Now if only we could find that person who could tell me my future. :)

For Henry, time travel is a heavy burden; because of this, he is very reluctant to pass down his gene mutation to his offspring - particularly when it results in multiple miscarriages. Do you think Clare is being irresponsible in pushing to have a biological child that is both a part of she and Henry? Or is it more than being a parent in which she covets?

I believe that Clare is going with her heart. She longs to hold onto a part of Henry, hoping that the part of Henry that would be in her child would never leave her. She has always had Henry throughout her life, something that many of us never have experienced. I am sure she knows that he won't be with her for forever. Always having someone and then never having them there with you for the rest of time could destroy a person. I believe she never gave up hope and stopped trying for her biological child because it would mean she would be letting go of Henry forever.

If you read the book without knowing about the pregnancy/miscarriage aspect of the storyline, how did you feel when you got to that part of the story? If you were unprepared for that aspect of the storyline, did you find it particularly jarring or upsetting? Or, if you read the book already knowing about this storyline, do you think that changed how you reacted to it? Did you find the pregnancy/miscarriage aspect made you relate to the characters more?

When I read this book I had no idea what to expect. I had yet to have had a pregnancy/miscarriage. When I got to the part of the story where Clare had had many miscarriages and then woke up covered in blood I was so upset for her. I knew the longing that she had for that cycle to work. I cried and cried for her feeling the pain and sadness. I felt so empty for her. So hopeless. I began to beg for it to end and for her to have her dream. When she finally was pregnant again I worried for her. I was waiting for something awful to happen. When it never did I was so relieved.

Having this be a major part of the storyline helped me to have an even deeper connection with the book. I became Clare. I became Henry. I felt their pain. I felt my own pain.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

The New Plan


Yep that's right, there is a plan. It isn't my plan. I don't like the plan. But it is the new plan. You want to hear it?

First, Grumps and I communicate about as well as two strangers. We used to not be this way but since we have taken the road of infertility it has just gotten bad. We talk but neither listen. We think what we each want and hope that the other will agree with that. But we never do.

Going into this last IUI I knew that he wanted to wait until I could switch insurances. I told him that I couldn't wait. I needed to press on. He was totally for that. In my mind that meant he would push forward with me if this one failed. He would do whatever to afford the IUIs. In his mind he was thinking THIS WILL WORK! I wasn't thinking that.

SO the IUI fails. He wants me to take a break because of my mono. Why risk money/IUI if my mono could cause an unknown problem. I needed my RE to tell me that. He agreed with Grumps. I was fine with that. If the doctor who wants my money thinks a month off would help then I am all for it. I tell Grumps this when he gets home. He says, "Good, we can't afford it anyways." NICE! I got upset, he apologizes.

This goes on and on. I will just get to the point. We are waiting until I can switch to my work insurance in October before moving forward with anything. YEP 6 months!

Grumps says, "This will be a nice break." WHATEVER!

He says, "What is the RUSH!" Yea, we have really been rushing.

I tried to explain my heart, how I was feeling. I gave up. He doesn't get it.

I say, "I was hoping we would be pregnant before our miscarriage due date."

I also say, "I wanted to be pregnant before D had her baby. To be pregnant together."

He says, "I don't harbor hard feelings towards her. I am not jealous. You should be happy. This is hard for her too." SO MISSING THE POINT!

I cried and cried and am still crying. He left the room. But we are going to see his family this summer on the other side of North America.

I totally get what he is thinking, but that isn't what I am feeling. Now I really want to quit. Totally want to quit all of this.

I know many of you are thinking, "Why can't they afford IUIs? They are cheap." Not with my clinic. Our last one was $1600. The next one will be $1400 and then down to $1300. So it isn't a drop in the bucket.

MAN I was doing so good trying to be better about things but now I am just PISSED!

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Words of Comfort

On the day of what would have been my due date, a friend sent me a verse to encourage me. She had read it in The Message, a plain today's language version. It touched my heart. I wrote it out on a stickie and stuck it on my laptop.

I read it this morning and was reminded of God's grace and comfort. Today is a new day. I will pick myself up and dust myself off and move forward.

Matthew 5:3 and 4

"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and His rule.

You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you."

The Message

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Pour Me a Glass of Wine

Oh wait, I already did!

That's right. I am not pregnant. I got the call from my nurse, NEGATIVE! I let my voice mail catch it while I was teaching. I took a moment outside my room to listen. I heard it in her voice before she even had to say anything. I deleted the message, took a breath, and walked back into my room to finish the day.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to just crawl under the covers for forever. But I pressed on and 'inspired' my kids!

My girls called and emailed. I felt hugs from all over the place.

I didn't know how to tell Grumps. I had planned to stop at the store and buy him something that said 'Daddy' today. I was torn about texting him, calling him, or waiting to tell him in person. He called me first. We shot the breeze for a couple of minutes and then I just say, "We aren't pregnant." He was so shocked. He totally had HUGE hope!

I had let myself start hoping yesterday. I had started planning and having HUGE hope. I wish I hadn't. Thank GOD I had others holding my hope the entire time. How hard it would have been if I had known all along that I was pregnant. Being that hopeful.

I came home and put on The Wreckers, opened the wine, started dinner and held back the tears. I wanted to cry alone. I didn't want Grumps to see my heart broken. He came up to grab dinner and pulled me out of my chair. He heard the music, saw the wine, and knew that my heart was hurt. He held me and let me cry. We don't do that very often. I cried really hard. I told him how I wish there wasn't money involved. The money part makes it hard. He said, "Don't worry about the money."

Now I just enjoy my life right NOW! We still need to talk about what's next. Do we spend more money for the next IUI like our RE wants to do? Or do we wait until the fall when I can switch insurances and not have to worry about the money? My heart says to go for another IUI. I am not sure what Grumps' brain is telling him.

Thank you for all of your prayers and support during this cycle. I don't' know how many of you do this month after month. I don't know how you go through IVF and make it out okay on the other side.

Off to finish my first glass of wine and start on the second.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

I'm BACK!!!

We had a great time! I have a nice tan! I am super relaxed!

The 2ww started to kill me on Thursday.

My beta is Tuesday. I am dreading it. UGH!

I think I found a test under my sink. I am torn if I should test or not. UGH!

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Baby Shower, Lubricants, and Food

I had a baby shower to go to yesterday. I was torn about going. I wanted to go but you know the drill. My friend had a miscarriage before mine. I knew that she understood one way or another. In the end I decided to go. I really wasn't worried about the gift time. That is the part I usually hate. I wasn't worried about the oohing and ahhing that always goes one. I was worried about being the only not pregnant or without children. It happens sometimes. During those showers the conversations are ALWAYS about their babies or children. I think I would have died. Thank God it didn't happen like that. But I decided that the only way an infertile can go to a baby shower is LOOKING HOT! All eyes are on you thinking, WOW she looks so good. If I don't have a child at least I can still dress nice. HA! I refused to look frumpy and people think, Oh poor Sunny, she is infertile. NOPE I didn't give them that chance.

Don't you like how my title has the word lubricants in it? HA! Here's the story. Being an infertile every chance we have that very romantic moment between the sheets with our husbands (okay I am trying to make it sound better than every time we have business sex) it could be the chance we get pregnant. So no lubricants can be used. Either we work hard to make our own OR we just sandpaper it and make it quick. Since we are going to Jamaica, the IUI is done, I am in the 2ww I decided that we need some lubes! I am sure we have some at home but I also don't know how old the stuff is. It has been a LONG time since it was used. Okay sorry for the long build up. I was in Target and decided that just a little tube would be perfect. I get the the protection aisle and there are 5 teenage boys there. They had no clue what to buy. They were laughing and nervous. One would say, "Get this one." The other would say, "No this one looks like fun." The boy that was buying them would just say, "Guys I don't have a clue." This went on for a good 5 minutes. I didn't want to embarrass them or bother them so I roamed all the other aisles but everyone could hear them. Finally after I walked until my feet hurt I almost went to help them. I was going to say, "Just get the regular ones. They are cheaper and work just fine." But by the time I got there they had left. I grabbed my little spray lube and laughed all the way to the counter. I couldn't wait to blog about that moment.

Finally I was so bad yesterday. Okay wait, I went to Whole Foods and bought all kinds of health pills to help me get over Mono. My mom gave me a list of things I needed to get healthy. So I had a bag of health in my car but decided to stop at McDonald's to get a snack wrap and fries. I NEVER eat there but it was calling my name. DON'T get the snack wrap. A waste of money. DO get a medium fry!!! THEN I ate chips and dip along with some candy and the health stuff. What is my problem? I should be feeding my body wonderful things but instead in goes crap!

Oh one more thing, I hate labeling. I am not a control freak. It actually stresses me out but since I started I have to continue. Don't ask me why but I just have to. I just needed to let you all know how much I hate them!

One more sleep until Jamaica!!!