I Want to ...

BLOG!

I so want to blog. I have had posts swimming around for days. Today in the shower (my thinking place) I planned a couple. But here is my problem. My only time I am truly alone to blog (I can't blog with others around) is LATE at night. By then I have no desire or truly the clear thoughts to blog.

SO unless I get to be alone soon you will have to wait on my thoughts for a couple of weeks. Here's a sneak preview.

Hometown Life
Memory Lane with the Boyfriends
Your Place in the Family
Always Waiting
and more.

I will leave you with what I have truly enjoyed lately.

Fried catfish, hush puppies and cheese grits
buttermilk pie
pecans
pralines
old quilts
old baby clothes
facebook HA!!!

Here

Man I have missed blogging. I have so many posts in my head: the family fit, the waiting game, and priorities... But when I come think about blogging I have no desire. It requires time. It requires thinking. It requires putting thoughts in order. My thoughts aren't really in order.

Right now I am sitting with my family. I love my family but there are times I could just walk away from it all. People don't like to make decisions but when suggestions are given no one likes those either. I also love them very much. I just don't think I am needed while mom is getting her chemo here. Too many hens in the house.

Speaking of being needed, I am torn about when it is time to go home. I am playing around with some ideas in my head. Just praying for God to give me wisdom. Man it is hard.

My mom is now bald but she sure is beautiful!

Finally, I think my sil is pregnant. I am happy for her but I also want to scream!

I hope to get my jive back soon.

See You in the New Year

I wrote my new year post yesterday but all day it sort of haunted me. I wasn't happy with it. My thoughts didn't really come out the way I wanted them. So scrap that post on onto another one.

2007 was really nothing great. It wasn't bad either. It was just there, hanging in space, the waiting year. I am sick of waiting. It was long ago I had a waiting year on Lupron. 2007 was the year of the insurance switch.

We had our first IUI. I am not a virgin any more. :)

Sick days with strep and mono.

My angel's due date came and broke my heart. I will never forget Grumps finding me naked in our bathtub without any water sobbing. What a dark day.

I enjoyed some wonderful times with my girls. Wineries, trips, haircut parties... Much was consumed.

Grumps and I went on a couple of fun trips. A long time ago we swore to live our childless life to the fullest until we are blessed with children.

2007 was 2007. I am looking forward to 2008. I am calling it the year of pro activity and closure. We will try our hardest this year to create life. The games begin this week! By the end of 2008 I hope there is closure. We will even be blessed with life or moving on. I cannot keep this journey up much longer.

Now enough about me. I have a job for you, especially if you are bored today waiting to party like a rockstar later tonight. Go to my sidebar to my Posts that Hit Home. Read through these amazing posts from amazing bloggers. Lets remember what made this year so great. Bloggers, the IF community. It has grown. It has tightened, thanks to Mel and the rest of you. Go and read what moved me. (Maybe I should list them in a post. Let's see how bored I get today.)

GOOD BYE 2007!

HELLO 2008!!!!

The Blogger Flame of Fortitude

I have been given the honor of the Blogger Flame of Fortitude by amazing Jenna! She, herself, deserves this award more than anyone I know. She has stood tall in the midst of heartache and has come out the other side even stronger. The other women she has honored are just as amazing. I am speechless to be side by side with these amazing women.

WOW what a love fest!!!

A few women came to mind when I was urged to pass this honor on. Ladies I know honor you for walking this journey with grace. You inspire me!

Debby, Nicole, Chris, Cathleen, Kell, Niobe, and Chrystie.

There are so many amazing women but the story of these ladies immediately came to mind. Pass this amazing award on!

The Unthinkable

I am about to do the unthinkable. I know many of you will laugh but for me this is huge. I am about to mark all read on my google/reader. When I came to my computer this morning I had over 400 posts to read. I AM SO BEHIND. I can't stand the pressure. After 2 hours I have whittled it down to 236 post to read. I just can't spend my Saturday skimming through blogs. I just can't.

I know this is so stupid to worry about but if you know me you know how I am. I have little issues.

I hate writing my name in a book.

I don't like to read all of the back of a book afraid it will give too much away.

I like to reply right away to emails. I had so many in my inbox starred for a better thoughtful day to reply. KILLS ME!

I hate to not finish something but also hate being stressed about it. I hate asking for help. I would rather look strong.

I don't cry in front of others very often. Grumps has seen my tears only a handful of times. My family always laughed when I cried. I refuse to do it now afraid of showing weakness or being laughed at.

I stick to my promises and agreements even if it kills me. Once I was supposed to meet a friend at the gym. I was sick as a dog but didn't want to bale on her. I waited for an hour and she never showed. At work that week I asked where she was. She didn't feel up to going. I was ticked but never told her.

I don't do confrontation. I would rather just live with the issue than deal with it. I even do this in my marriage.

I always save the last little bit of everything for Grumps. He never notices or eats it. It drives me nuts but I can't stop myself.

I want to be involved in others lives. I want them to know I cared. THIS is why hitting the marked all as read is driving me nuts this morning. Just know I do care. I really want to comment. I just can't have this list hanging over my head any longer. Mel I suck as a Clicker right now. Please forgive me. See I am a freak!

Anyone else a freak like me?

Busy BEE!!! UPDATED!!!

THAT IS ME!!!

School started today. The kids aren't there but school is definitely back in session. I am working so hard to getting my room looking just so. UGH! My summer was just too good to end. SO if I don't post as often or reply to your emails know it isn't because I don't love you. It is because I have to make money some how to live where I live.

I LOVED all the comments on my last couple of posts. I FEEL SO LOVED! If you still haven't added an email to your blog DO IT! I want to reply back through email but can't when you don't help me. Just go to go*gle and get an address just for your blog and comments. There were so many good thoughts out there. I wanted to comment on them!

For my secret deleted post.... I will blog about it again but in a different, non drunk, light. :)

MAN I hate I am back at work. I have a million posts going on in my head. Here is a peak!!!

The great lengths of DTD!

UPDATED!!!!
Meeting bloggers! ( I LOVED MY TIME WITH LJ and MEG!!! *** Edited to say MEL!!! I am so sorry! I owe you a drink. I don't know a Meg. LOL!!!)

and

Never published posts!!!!

Until then, keep it real. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Your Blog, My Poll

If you were checking blogs last night you might have read one of my crazy posts. I was having a moment. Well I went to bed with clarity realizing it was stupid. This morning I decided to delete it. I have NEVER deleted a post before. But this was one which won that honor. Now onto better things!

Does your spouse read your blog?

I had a talk about this with fellow bloggers. They both said yes. I was sort of surprised. I have no problem with Grumps reading my blog. I have told him before to check it out. But he is afraid I might portray him in a bad light. I have opened my blog at left it at certain posts for him to read. He is usually amazed at how fast I can get my thoughts out. I just throw out my words. He over thinks and analyzes. He wants it to be perfect. I just want to get my thoughts out there.

SO once again, does your spouse read your blog? How do you feel about it?

Catching Up

First, I blog in my head. Yep I blog all day in my head. My favorite place to blog is in the shower. I create posts. Many of them just stay in my head. Others get typed out and never posted. I am tempted to just post all of them with the dates attached. Some of them I am afraid to post. Others are really low places. Many are just stupid and I am embarrassed. So dumb. It is my blog. I should feel more confident. So I have been blogging in my head. Here are some of my thoughts.

My summer is over and all I can think about is last year at this time. Last year I was so afraid to go back to work. I was afraid everyone could read my mind and know I had been pregnant. I was sad. I wasn't myself. I just sat in silence during all the meetings. Now this year, I am afraid people will ask if I am pregnant. I am not sure I why I am afraid. I just don't want to look pregnant. I am far from pregnant. Can I just stop the clocks and keep living this summer over and over again? I have loved it to the fullest!

My little nephew has won my heart. Once again last year when I got the call that he was born I cried and cried. It was so hard to hear about someone having a baby and being so full of joy when I had lost mine. My mom let me know my sister in law and brother needed more things for the boy. During my loss I had to buy more baby gifts. I cried and cried during that too. Now a year later I am in love with that little fellow.

When I helped keep in at the beginning of the summer I was so afraid of being with him. It didn't take long to fall in love. It was very bittersweet. I would hold him, rock him, tell him secrets. He would respond and laugh and hold me tight. I wanted to keep him for myself. Now I just spent some time buying him things for his 1st birthday. It wasn't hard. I LOVED IT! I wasn't bitter. I wasn't sad. I was happy to have in my life. I couldn't stop spending money. I wish I could show you his cute picture for his invite. He looks like my brother at that age. Priceless grin with new teeth, almost white blond hair, and a cute full face. It makes me wish we lived closer. I would love to hear him say, "Aunt Sunny!"

Childhood friends are far and few for me. I keep up with them from a distance. I moved too many times in my life to keep up with people. I wish I could go back and get clothes to many of them again. But too much time has passed. We aren't the same people. Some times it makes me sad.

If you made it through this post I applaud you! BORING would be my thoughts. I just had to get these 'posts' out of my head and onto my blog.

Add Ons UPDATED!!!

With all my summer time I have been adding new things to my blog. If you read other IF blogs you might see some new add ons to their blogs as well.

Here we go!

First I have updated my blogs which I link to. There are many new blogs and many bloggers who have recently received BFPs! I challenge you to check out a new blog. There are many amazing blogs out there who deserve your support!

Lost and Found

Here is a wonderful place to stay connected with all the stirrup-queens out there! Announcements, new blogs, and anything else you need to know are posted here daily! Check it out!

Join the Traveling DVD




If you missed Jenna's amazing moment on Oprah last week, join the traveling dvd!

Also don't forget about my posts that hit home on my sidebar! I have found some amazing new posts floating around the blog world these days! Give them some love!

UPDATED!!!
Finally I am playing around with an iTunes function. It is called, My iTunes Widget. It is located on my sidebar at the bottom. It lists my favorite groups and singers according to iTunes. It has taken me forever to get it to look the way it is supposed to. Yet I am not sure if it is working right. We shall see how long this new little add on lasts!

Bored of Refreshing

I find myself getting WAY behind on my blog reading. I work hard to catch up and not feel overwhelmed. I know, so stupid! But when I finally catch up I am constantly refreshing everything in hopes to read something new.

Does anyone else have this problem?

So if you are bored of refreshing, take a moment to check out my shared items on the right hand side of my blog. You might have already read them in your blogroll but if not, they are great inspiring reads. I am just too lazy to give shout outs to them in person!

I will be going out of town next week. Visiting the inlaws. I am hoping my mind doesn't start thinking about what is upcoming, our m/c anniversary. We should be bringing a baby with us on this trip. SUCKS!

Summer Blogger

I am here and not dead. I have justed turned into a summer blogger. Okay usually it is the other way around. I would usually post like a crazy woman, but lately I just haven't been in the mood to blog. For me, blogging is therapy. If I turn it into, Please read my blog and comment, it ruins the purpose for me and causes me CRAZY pressure! So I have been chilling. I have a couple of posts in my head. One I actually wrote out on a receipt, drunk while camping. I feel like that desperate moment to get those thoughts down are gone now and not worth bringing them back to life. Who knows?

I have also been a busy soul. Almost every weekend I have headed off to somewhere fun. This weekend is the beach. A trip to visit my inlaws for a weeks is also coming up. My mind just hasn't been into blogging. I have been reading but not necessarily commenting.

I guess we all need a little break sometimes. Here's mine! I am sure I will get moving again. I just need to be inspired!

Here and There

I haven't been thinking about infertility and all my issues lately. Therefore, not blogging.

OKAY that is a lie. I never stop thinking about it but I have been too busy to be smart, witty or blogging. I have posts brewing in my head but nothing solid to put out. Do any of you do this?

I have been traveling here and there. I was in Kansas this past weekend. Camping this weekend with Grumps. Next weekend a wedding at the beach. My last big trip will be to the lovely inlaws in Canada. BUSY!

Yes I still think about my life and infertility and all that jazz. I watch friends be with their children and feel jealousy for a split second. I long for the love they show and receive. Then I see people who truly do not deserve children. In fact they have them taken away because they aren't fit. Grumps said to me, "How does that work? They can't take care of children and we don't have them but want them." It never makes sense.

This week Aunt Flow is late and hope rises. There is more doubt now with each late day than ever before. I am okay with that, protection. She showed today. I didn't cry or get sad. We really are not trying very hard. I give it a try once in the small little window. I can't be absorbed. I just can't during The Summer of Sunny!!! So I am toasting to AF today with good wine.

Did anyone watch Heartland on TNT this week? Part of the story dealt with infertility. Comparing physical pain with mental anguish. Makes you think. Breaks your heart. Feels good to not be alone, to be talked about on tv.

See I told you in my title this post would be full of here and there's. I am just trying hard not to think too much. Maybe it is because a year ago this week I found out I was pregnant. It haunts me. I have looked back at my posts. I think back how it felt to share the news. The phone calls, the jumps for joys, the smiles. It hurts. I have let my life slip a little bit. I was asked recently, "What has happened to you? You aren't the person I knew before." Yep I have changed. I wish it didn't happen but it did. I will never be the same.

MAN I didn't want to get heavy. I didn't want to think. Back to toasting to AF!

Posts that Hit Home

I am not sure many have seen this recent addition to my blog, Posts that Hit Home. It is located on my sidebar towards the bottom.

Google Reader has a function where you can share the posts onto your blog. I LOVE THIS!~ There have been many times I have read a post that has just touched my heart. I am too lazy to blog about it so now I can just click, share, and there it is.

If you want a good read, take a peak at some great posts!

Comments

I love reading blogs. I love commenting on them. I LOVE receiving comments. But I don't want it to stop there. I want to thank you for the comments. Answer your questions. Send out a shout out. BUT there is a problem. I hate commenting a reply to my comment onto your blog. I would rather hit reply and send a quick note to your email.

I know, a selfish request but really it makes it so much easier to check on others and see how you are doing when you aren't blogging.

So here is the deal, if you don't have an email attached to your blog get one. I have a million email accounts. One is for my personal email with Grumps. Then I have an email for adds and whatever. Of course I have a work email and a couple others for no reason at all. Yes, it seems I have an email problem. Finally I have my blog email, gracehopeandfaithatgmaildotcom.

If you need an invite for gmail just let me know and I will send you one. I just love the little emails back and forth that can happen if you had a blog email address.

Watching Wallpaper Dry

That is what we do all the time. We watch and wait for the wallpaper to dry. We wait for our cycles to start, cycles to end. Insurance to be switched. We wait for appointments, test results and answers. We wait for our D&C to be scheduled. We wait for our hearts to stop hurting. We wait for the pain to leave. We might even get to wait to finally have our little ones.

SO what do you do during your wait?

If you are me you:

Have happy hour at least 3 times a week with amazing friends and drinks. Yesterday D and I enjoyed 2 bottles of wine for 4 hours at one of our favorite restaurants on the deck. I have a farmer's tan to prove it. Last week we all downed 5 swirls in honor of a crap week!

Visit many wineries and purchase bottle after bottle to be consumed when Aunt Flow shows instead of celebrating. I am running low right now.

Plan party after party after party. My last party was our second karaoke party. It was the best by far! This week will be a 'toy party'. I have a to do a mile long. Rice Krispy Penises, food, Sex on the Beach punch. Thursday can't get here fast enough.

Lots of blog reading. There are days when I feel so behind and others when I scream at my laptop begging for a new post from anyone. Thank God for Google Reader. I no longer have to check each of my blogs. I can just hit next on my tabs and BAM I get updates!

TV TiVo TV TiVo TV TiVo Once a month I get caught up! There are always shows to watch, old and new.

As you can see I keep pretty busy. Sometimes too busy. Other times not busy enough. Remember the flicker of hope? Well the flicker has grown only to be slowly dying again. Man my boobs have been crazy with symptoms. BUT tonight I feel AF dragging her heavy bags in for a little long weekend trip. UGH!~

Anyone want to throw back some tequila with me?

Baby Shower, Lubricants, and Food

I had a baby shower to go to yesterday. I was torn about going. I wanted to go but you know the drill. My friend had a miscarriage before mine. I knew that she understood one way or another. In the end I decided to go. I really wasn't worried about the gift time. That is the part I usually hate. I wasn't worried about the oohing and ahhing that always goes one. I was worried about being the only not pregnant or without children. It happens sometimes. During those showers the conversations are ALWAYS about their babies or children. I think I would have died. Thank God it didn't happen like that. But I decided that the only way an infertile can go to a baby shower is LOOKING HOT! All eyes are on you thinking, WOW she looks so good. If I don't have a child at least I can still dress nice. HA! I refused to look frumpy and people think, Oh poor Sunny, she is infertile. NOPE I didn't give them that chance.

Don't you like how my title has the word lubricants in it? HA! Here's the story. Being an infertile every chance we have that very romantic moment between the sheets with our husbands (okay I am trying to make it sound better than every time we have business sex) it could be the chance we get pregnant. So no lubricants can be used. Either we work hard to make our own OR we just sandpaper it and make it quick. Since we are going to Jamaica, the IUI is done, I am in the 2ww I decided that we need some lubes! I am sure we have some at home but I also don't know how old the stuff is. It has been a LONG time since it was used. Okay sorry for the long build up. I was in Target and decided that just a little tube would be perfect. I get the the protection aisle and there are 5 teenage boys there. They had no clue what to buy. They were laughing and nervous. One would say, "Get this one." The other would say, "No this one looks like fun." The boy that was buying them would just say, "Guys I don't have a clue." This went on for a good 5 minutes. I didn't want to embarrass them or bother them so I roamed all the other aisles but everyone could hear them. Finally after I walked until my feet hurt I almost went to help them. I was going to say, "Just get the regular ones. They are cheaper and work just fine." But by the time I got there they had left. I grabbed my little spray lube and laughed all the way to the counter. I couldn't wait to blog about that moment.

Finally I was so bad yesterday. Okay wait, I went to Whole Foods and bought all kinds of health pills to help me get over Mono. My mom gave me a list of things I needed to get healthy. So I had a bag of health in my car but decided to stop at McDonald's to get a snack wrap and fries. I NEVER eat there but it was calling my name. DON'T get the snack wrap. A waste of money. DO get a medium fry!!! THEN I ate chips and dip along with some candy and the health stuff. What is my problem? I should be feeding my body wonderful things but instead in goes crap!

Oh one more thing, I hate labeling. I am not a control freak. It actually stresses me out but since I started I have to continue. Don't ask me why but I just have to. I just needed to let you all know how much I hate them!

One more sleep until Jamaica!!!

Labeling

I switched to Beta Blogger the other day. It thought, "Hey let's do labels." Now I am not sure I like them. I still have a few more to label but am rethinking it.

What do you guys think? Keep them or get rid of them?