Monday, August 20, 2007

Catching Up

First, I blog in my head. Yep I blog all day in my head. My favorite place to blog is in the shower. I create posts. Many of them just stay in my head. Others get typed out and never posted. I am tempted to just post all of them with the dates attached. Some of them I am afraid to post. Others are really low places. Many are just stupid and I am embarrassed. So dumb. It is my blog. I should feel more confident. So I have been blogging in my head. Here are some of my thoughts.

My summer is over and all I can think about is last year at this time. Last year I was so afraid to go back to work. I was afraid everyone could read my mind and know I had been pregnant. I was sad. I wasn't myself. I just sat in silence during all the meetings. Now this year, I am afraid people will ask if I am pregnant. I am not sure I why I am afraid. I just don't want to look pregnant. I am far from pregnant. Can I just stop the clocks and keep living this summer over and over again? I have loved it to the fullest!

My little nephew has won my heart. Once again last year when I got the call that he was born I cried and cried. It was so hard to hear about someone having a baby and being so full of joy when I had lost mine. My mom let me know my sister in law and brother needed more things for the boy. During my loss I had to buy more baby gifts. I cried and cried during that too. Now a year later I am in love with that little fellow.

When I helped keep in at the beginning of the summer I was so afraid of being with him. It didn't take long to fall in love. It was very bittersweet. I would hold him, rock him, tell him secrets. He would respond and laugh and hold me tight. I wanted to keep him for myself. Now I just spent some time buying him things for his 1st birthday. It wasn't hard. I LOVED IT! I wasn't bitter. I wasn't sad. I was happy to have in my life. I couldn't stop spending money. I wish I could show you his cute picture for his invite. He looks like my brother at that age. Priceless grin with new teeth, almost white blond hair, and a cute full face. It makes me wish we lived closer. I would love to hear him say, "Aunt Sunny!"

Childhood friends are far and few for me. I keep up with them from a distance. I moved too many times in my life to keep up with people. I wish I could go back and get clothes to many of them again. But too much time has passed. We aren't the same people. Some times it makes me sad.

If you made it through this post I applaud you! BORING would be my thoughts. I just had to get these 'posts' out of my head and onto my blog.


Jay said...

Not boring at all. It made me smile and feel full of love and hope.

SULLY said...

thank you for your support, I will be adding you to my blog roll.

Fertilize Me said...

I am so sorry you have to leave the "summer" and go back to working. I wish for you a very prosperious year!!

Pamela Jeanne said...

I do my best blog formation in the car commuting in stop and go traffic.

I'm glad you've got your nephew to provide such joy. I've got a niece and nephew through my brother that I'm madly in love with. They're sweet, smart and beautiful children. I adore hearing them call me Aunt Pam. You'll never tire of hearing Aunt Sunny, and we get to spoil and indulge to our hearts content...

LJ said...

I would have read pages and pages of writing from you, silly. I thinks it just makes you even more human and wonderful.

Curly Mommy said...

Not boring. Real. I like it.

I love you, even if our lives have taken different directions.

Lori said...

I'm a shower blogger, too.

Hope your back-to-work transition goes smoothly.

Maybe a big brooch that says, "No, I'm not preggers, dammit!" would quell the questions.


jill said...

oh, how I wish we could just keep summer going... let's just both quit and stand on the corner and beg for money together :)

...with a bottle of wine each of course.

missm said...

I loved this post too. Not boring at all. Sunny, you are FULL of goodness, strength and love.

One thing I've learned in the last year is that you (I) are not a loser (or any other 'bad' adjective) for going through this. It's not your fault, and it's not because you did or did not do certain things that this is happening. You are not weak or selfish either. When people go through things, it's because it just happens (at least that's what I think). And the determination (by others and yourself) of your strengh, your love, your goodness is whether you make it through this journey with a full heart (instead of a shrivelled up one). And you my dear, show signs of a full heart. You probably feel like it's shrivelled up, or at least like it's wanting to cave in. But you keep grasping for things that will fill it. You let yourself love your nephew, you work towards gratitude, you praise God, you hope for the future.

Never ever think that the reason you're going through this is because you haven't been 'good' enough. Going through this and grasping for a full heart (even when you feel like you're drowning) is what makes you 'good'.

Ack ... rereading this, it sounds kinda preachy. I hope it's not. I just want to convey to you the glimpses of wonder and sparkle that I see in your writing, your stories, your thoughts ... even through the darkness of this journey.

Monica said...

yuck, I went back to work on Monday. We have a new principal, so everything is new. We started school this year two weeks late. This time last year I was two days away from losing Jimmy so I get you about memories.

Quit the "stinkin thinkin", this wasn't boring. REad my early posts.. now that stuff is boring.