Wednesday, August 08, 2007

A Million Thoughts

All surrounding the same theme...

My little angel.

All week I have been thinking about last year at this time. The days and dates consume my thoughts throughout my day. You want to take a peak into what I have been thinking about? Here goes:

Monday, a year ago, I wasn't feeling myself. Actually I felt sick at one point during my day. I am almost positive my little angle left me that day.

Today, a year ago, I didn't need a nap. When I was pregnant I would have a 2 hour nap a day. This day I never got tired, even as I and I shopped our hearts out.

Tomorrow, we went to the doctor expecting to see our little one with a HUGE heartbeat. Instead I felt the world standstill. No heartbeat. My world felt like it was coming to an end.

Saturday, a year ago, our worst fear was confirmed. No more baby.

Tuesday, a year ago, it all ended with a d&c.

I can't stop thinking about it. I really don't want to stop thinking about last year. It sounds crazy but I want to remember and honor the little bit of life we had for that split second.

Today Grumps and I cleaned the house. I put things away and sorted out all of our junk. In the process I came across the many cards given to us during that sad time. I wiped the dust off our only u/s picture. I haven't put it away. How can I? When will I be able to? I know D still has her u/s pictures on her refrigerator. It all makes me so sad.

Tomorrow we plan to go out and celebrate/mourn our little angel. I would much rather have 'her' in my arms instead.

The other night on So You Think You Can Dance, there was a dance and song that touched my soul. It was about a father and daughter meeting again in heaven after he had died. I could only think about my angel. One day I will see her again.

Time by Billy Porter

17 comments:

Melissa said...

I think it is only natural to remember/relive as you are doing. I think it is a good way to honor the life that was once growing inside you. Those memories are bittersweet but oh so precious.

Thinking of you...

Lori said...

I am so sorry, Sunny that this is such a difficult week for you.

I am holding you in my thoughts.

Hugs.

Monica said...

I get wanting to feel everything. I'm dealing with the same issues. Tomorrow is the year anniversary of Jimmy's due date and the 12th is the day he died.. the 13th is the day he was delivered. It seems like every day for the next week there is some sort of memory to mourn. Yet I'm glad I'm still sad. I never want to reach a point where I no longer feel anything.

Patience said...

Sending you a big hug my love... x

Shelby said...

I'm sorry. I can't even imagine how hard this week is for you. Know that I'm thinking about you!

Somewhat Ordinary said...

Sending you lots of well wishes and hugs...

DD said...

I'm very sorry for the sad anniversary. I keep all the congrats and subsequent sympathy cards along with the ultrasounds in a memory box. Once in a while I still pull them out and look at them and remember what was good about that brief time and what will be good again.

tracey said...

You don't need to EVER put that picture away. Why would you? It's your baby. Prayed for you this morning. Love you.

Reproductive Jeans said...

I am definitely thinking about you this week.....I hope you find peace in your remembering, and hold onto that picture tight--your angel is watching over you!

FattyPants said...

I'm so sorry. Know that you are surrounded by the love and prayers of many people on here.

Fertilize Me said...

Sending up prayers for you - widhing you warm comforting thoughts

jill said...

Oh, I love you! And ditto what Tracey said.

PCOSMama said...

There is definitely no reason to put that picture away, it is your baby and you should be able to look at her whenever you want!

So sorry you have to go through this!

The Lost Princess of Oz said...

(((hugs))) I love you!

LJ said...

Oh Sunny - I am so sorry you have to go through this pain. It just isn't fair. But you honor your baby the way that you feel you can and need to. Thinking of you...

Chris said...

Sunny, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I know this is such a hard week for you. However, you are doing everything just perfectly!

niobe said...

One day you will see your angel again. In the meantime, you are in every one of my prayers.