Thursday, October 23, 2008

Medical Math

I only teach 2nd grade. I didn't go to school to read a syringe or figure out how much medicine I need now. Tonight I put in my dose into my pen. I know it won't be enough. I have my other box ready to go that my nurse gave me. Of course the pen runs out. I open the box and BAM no meds. The box is empty.


I have 4 vials of 150 ius each. I am breathing easier. THEN I get my syringe and try to figure out how much I need. Of course my pen didn't end on a number. Nope, it ends on a line. How much is it really? I have NO CLUE! I do a little guess and pull it into my syringe. Nope, I can't figure it out. I get a smaller syringe and still can't figure it out. I pull out all the papers and everything and am REALLY LOST. Now before me I have many needles and syringes and still no guess.

My next step is frantically calling a fellow IVFer. She doesn't answer. HELP ME! I finally take a deep breath and just guess. Here I am guessing on fertility drugs at the end of my days with truly no clue if I am even close.

I am still freaking out and it has been over 30 minutes later. I know I didn't screw things up but the stress of it all is just driving me nuts. I hope my nurse can give me a real box tomorrow. I hope my estrogen levels don't freak out. I hope it all ends on a good note.

Thanks for listening to my freak out moment. I just had to get it out of my head. I am DONE with injections!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Ask Me Answers: Part 1

Lets lighten the load. Clear the air. Have some fun! I am tired of being blue.

Back in August I asked for you to ask questions you want me to answer. The questions came in but then work started up. I decided to answer the questions in parts. This takes the pressure off of me.

So here is the first question: Where did you meet Grumps and what/where was your first date?

Grumps and I have known each other for 12 years. We have been married for 10. Back in 1996 I transferred to a small Christian school in northern Georgia as a junior. Grumps transferred already holding a degree but wanting a year of Bible and history.

At this small school they created groups to help everyone make friends. All of my roomies and sweetmates were in one group. I was alone in another group. I decided to just join them. We were all a bunch of transfers. At that first meeting Grumps set across from me. I thought, MAN he is cute BUT we aren't here to date but to go to school. After that night we all just started hanging out together. Grumps and I were the only ones who didn't work so we found ourselves always together. We couldn't get enough of each other.

I could go on and on about how so perfect it all fell into place. How God brought Grumps from one corner of North Amercia and me from the other side. How we just fit and I just knew. I don't want to bore you. You will just have to come visit me for a night of wine and talk!

Onto our first date! Remember we were ALWAYS together. For 3 weeks we hung out and just laughed and talked. Finally Grumps decided we needed to go out just the 2 of us. We drove to a dollar theater not too far away and saw Phenominom. On our way back to school I wanted to take him to a place I had been before when visiting the school. First let me say I had no idea this place was a make out place. I just thought it was cool. We drive down to hang out at the bridge/water. We decide to leave my lights on so we could see. SEE we weren't going to make out at all. We didn't even hold hands. Well this is where the problem comes into play. The lights weren't just on. They were on high. When we got back to the car it was dead.

We began to freak out. We were in the middle of no where. I had only one number. We had curfew. We were at a make out spot not making out. We called the one number, got someone who I have never met but she came and jumped us off. We get back to school and explain to the guards why we were late. Of course they didn't believe us. I get to my dorm and tell my dorm mom, she doesn't really believe me either. The best part is our next date we get lost going home also almost running out of gas. We were late again. We still hadn't held hands.

Stay tuned for the Part 2. You girls have come up with some crazy questions!

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Repeated Track

Just like Mel I have been quiet lately. My heart is heavy. Feeling blue.

Over a year ago I had something on a repeated track. You know what I mean? When the song won't leave your head. It just repeats. Not even the whole song but just the one line. You try to remove it with another song but it finds its way back into your head, your dreams, your day. My repeated track was March 21, my little angel's due date. The date would scream to me every day. Every second. March 21, March 21, March 21.... The more I heard it, the sadder I got. My heart felt like a boulder. I couldn't breathe.

Once March 21 came and went the track stopped. Finally peace in my head. Yet the track has seemed to be replaced with something else, the world childless. I hear it a million times a day. It doesn't leave. There isn't peace from it. It makes me sad. I feel hopeless. I am just going through the motions until that word becomes the soundtrack of our lives instead of the repeated track.

Here is one ray of sunlight... I know longer feel sick with envy or bitter with the news from others. It is just a fact, while my childless track continues to repeat.