Thursday, October 09, 2008

Repeated Track

Just like Mel I have been quiet lately. My heart is heavy. Feeling blue.

Over a year ago I had something on a repeated track. You know what I mean? When the song won't leave your head. It just repeats. Not even the whole song but just the one line. You try to remove it with another song but it finds its way back into your head, your dreams, your day. My repeated track was March 21, my little angel's due date. The date would scream to me every day. Every second. March 21, March 21, March 21.... The more I heard it, the sadder I got. My heart felt like a boulder. I couldn't breathe.

Once March 21 came and went the track stopped. Finally peace in my head. Yet the track has seemed to be replaced with something else, the world childless. I hear it a million times a day. It doesn't leave. There isn't peace from it. It makes me sad. I feel hopeless. I am just going through the motions until that word becomes the soundtrack of our lives instead of the repeated track.

Here is one ray of sunlight... I know longer feel sick with envy or bitter with the news from others. It is just a fact, while my childless track continues to repeat.

11 comments:

Rach said...

Big Hugs!!

Jen said...

That is the same way I felt about my due date. (Which was March 19th, by the way.) I doubt that date will ever leave my head, but at least it isn't as noisy as it once was.

Leah said...

I was just going to email you today, I've been missing you.

I'm sorry. For all of the shitty shit that is IF. I'm just so sorry. I pray for you every day, my friend. xo

JJ said...

You are in my thoughts everyday...honest to Pete. Always sending you prayers and hugs!

I Believe in Miracles said...

I'm so sorry. Remembering with you...
**HUGS**

jill said...

I love you *hug*

Carrie said...

I hear you. I'm so sorry it is like this. It just isn't fair x

beagle said...

I am sorry that you are feeling this awful ache.

xo
beagle

LJ said...

I have nothing to add, except - I know. I just so know.

At least you and I get to go to a concert together soon :)

Smiling said...

I am listening too. What a powerful post.

Kristin said...

I don't know what to say except {{{hugs}}} and prayers.