Kyle XY

It has been awhile. Once again I find myself exhausted when I get home. Teaching and waddling along takes lots of energy.

Back to my title... If you have watched Kyle XY you will know Kyle is missing something on his body. Any guesses? Yep, his belly button. Mine is GONE! I rubbed my belly today and it felt weird. I then realized I didn't have a belly button anymore. It made me laugh and then made me make everyone around me feel. I know soon it will pop out in a very scary way especially since I am on 23 weeks.

This past week would have been my angels birthday. Healing has taken place because I didn't remember the day. I actually had to go back through my blog to find it. I knew the week but not the day. Each day as I felt these little lives move I thought of my sweet angel baby. 'She' would have been 2. Still breaks my heart. BUT I am pretty sure if we had our little one we wouldn't be having these two miracles. It is just hard all around. The bottom line, I am blessed.

I have my first shower on Friday. I NEVER thought it would be my time. I actually feel guilty and scared about it all. I know MANY who deserve this more. Every day I wake up and have to remind myself I am pregnant. This is real. I still can't wrap my mind around it. Along with the fear of the shower, the nursery is up and under construction. Baby clothes are coming in. I got the bedding in yesterday. One day little ones will be living in there. I can barely go in the room. I am totally whacked!

Back to the belly... I can't wait for warmer weather so I can start wearing dresses. My clothes are starting to get small again. This belly is taking over. I don't remember life without it. I might waddle. My clothes might be limited. But I am in love with this belly and the life that lives inside.

Repeated Track

Just like Mel I have been quiet lately. My heart is heavy. Feeling blue.

Over a year ago I had something on a repeated track. You know what I mean? When the song won't leave your head. It just repeats. Not even the whole song but just the one line. You try to remove it with another song but it finds its way back into your head, your dreams, your day. My repeated track was March 21, my little angel's due date. The date would scream to me every day. Every second. March 21, March 21, March 21.... The more I heard it, the sadder I got. My heart felt like a boulder. I couldn't breathe.

Once March 21 came and went the track stopped. Finally peace in my head. Yet the track has seemed to be replaced with something else, the world childless. I hear it a million times a day. It doesn't leave. There isn't peace from it. It makes me sad. I feel hopeless. I am just going through the motions until that word becomes the soundtrack of our lives instead of the repeated track.

Here is one ray of sunlight... I know longer feel sick with envy or bitter with the news from others. It is just a fact, while my childless track continues to repeat.

In My Arms

Is where I wish you were today. Hearing you giggle. Watching you try to walk. Being close by.

My little angel I miss you today more than ever before.

Your grandmother is coming home to you soon. She is the best at rocking you to sleep. You won't miss her. Her smile is so big and her words are so gentle. Enjoy her for me.



The song is my heart's cry. I found the video on youtube.

________________________________________________________

They are giving my mom 2 to 4 weeks to live. They are heading to the cancer hospital today. They will see the doctors tomorrow and have more tests run. The information could change but the cancer is really bad. I go to the doctor this morning for monitoring. We need to talk about this cycle. There is a possibility we will either retrieve and freeze or cancel. If we cancel I will leave tomorrow to be with my family. If nothing else I will be there next week until the end. I am taking leave from work. I don't want to watch my mom die but I can't stay home. We are still praying for a miracle.

All that my mind can think of is, how do I live in a world without my mom. She is so amazing. In fact there is a package at the post office from her for us for Easter. Her love never stops.

Thank you so much for the many comments and emails. I feel surrounded by love.

My Candle

I light my candle tonight for my little angel. For all the angels. For D's angels.

I wish we had you in our arms but instead we carry you in our hearts.

A Million Thoughts

All surrounding the same theme...

My little angel.

All week I have been thinking about last year at this time. The days and dates consume my thoughts throughout my day. You want to take a peak into what I have been thinking about? Here goes:

Monday, a year ago, I wasn't feeling myself. Actually I felt sick at one point during my day. I am almost positive my little angle left me that day.

Today, a year ago, I didn't need a nap. When I was pregnant I would have a 2 hour nap a day. This day I never got tired, even as I and I shopped our hearts out.

Tomorrow, we went to the doctor expecting to see our little one with a HUGE heartbeat. Instead I felt the world standstill. No heartbeat. My world felt like it was coming to an end.

Saturday, a year ago, our worst fear was confirmed. No more baby.

Tuesday, a year ago, it all ended with a d&c.

I can't stop thinking about it. I really don't want to stop thinking about last year. It sounds crazy but I want to remember and honor the little bit of life we had for that split second.

Today Grumps and I cleaned the house. I put things away and sorted out all of our junk. In the process I came across the many cards given to us during that sad time. I wiped the dust off our only u/s picture. I haven't put it away. How can I? When will I be able to? I know D still has her u/s pictures on her refrigerator. It all makes me so sad.

Tomorrow we plan to go out and celebrate/mourn our little angel. I would much rather have 'her' in my arms instead.

The other night on So You Think You Can Dance, there was a dance and song that touched my soul. It was about a father and daughter meeting again in heaven after he had died. I could only think about my angel. One day I will see her again.

Time by Billy Porter

Shout Outs!

I am late on my shout outs! I just haven't been in the mood to blog. We discussed this already.

First LJ I had a BLAST with you and D the other night! The atmosphere, food, music, but most of all the company was wonderful. I loved meeting you and hearing your story in real life. THANK YOU for letting us know about the concert.

I had a WONDERFUL time with the DC girls! It is awesome to see bloggers in real life. It is amazing how you totally can come across as you on a blog. I can't wait to meet up again. I hope more can join next time!

Finally THANK YOU for the most amazing words ever written about my angel post on the Roundup Extravaganza. The anniversary of losing our angel to heaven is coming in the next couple of weeks. Thank you for honoring it.

We are heading out of town next week. I am sure I will have to really work hard not to relive last year over and over again. We went on the same trip visiting family last year. We told them all about our pregnancy. It will be bittersweet returning without our little one or even not being pregnant. Such is life!

Angel after Angel

I always wanted to walk this hard walk with a friend who totally understood in every way. D became that friend. We have carried each other through many tough spots.

D and I were supposed to be pregnant together. I would have been 2 weeks behind her if my IUI had worked. We were both sad to know that our plans didn't work.

I was so happy to know she was going to have her baby in her arms in December. I was a little jealous. I was a little sad knowing that our friendship would change but I was so happy!

Today she found out that she is losing another angel to heaven. Her third angel.

I now wish she never knew what it felt like. I wish she never had to walk this awful road. I wish her dreams would come true the first time like most people. I wish she could have her dream and I could have mine.

D now has 3 angels. 3 precious little ones to play with my baby. I cannot wait until the day I can hold her babies in my arms and listen to their giggles.

D I LOVE YOU! I am here for you but I know I don't even need to tell you that.

This sucks so drinks are on me!

My Angel

Dear Mama and Daddy,

Don't let them say I never lived,
Though something stopped my heart,
I felt the tenderness you gave,
I loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold,
It doesn't mean I'm gone,
I will remain within your heart,
I promise to live on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face,
You have my word, I'll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was "meant to be
God doesn't make mistakes",
But that won't soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,
Another child you'll bear,
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There'll come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips,
And then you'll understand.

Although I never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes,
That doesn't mean I never "was"
An angel never dies...

I love you...
your forever angel.

This poem was sent by I. She found it and changed it a touch. SO perfect for how I feel today. Today would have been the day I would have held my little one in my arms for the first time. I will light a candle for 'her' tonight.

Grieving Early

Grumps is gone for the weekend. I have a cold. My plan has been to stay in all day and not face the world. Not a bad plan. We all know I LOVE my bed time with my TiVo.

Today I decided to not only just veg out but to begin grieving a bit. I know it sounds crazy and silly. How do you plan your grieving time? Well I haven't. I have had moments in the car on the way to work. We all know about the other night when I cried myself to sleep. Today really wasn't any different. I guess I didn't plan it. Well maybe I did.

My best friend I sent me a package this week. She had warned me of the package. I knew in my heart that one was coming. She told me it was for the 20th, my due date. She told me to open it whenever I wanted but to be warned. I planned in my head after that conversation to open it today. I am alone. I needed to be alone when I opened it. I didn't want Grumps eyes staring to see if I cried like he does when we watch a movie and it gets to a sad part. I wanted to cry and cry ugly if I needed to. You know the cry? Ugly faces, ugly sobs, gut wrenching cry.

This morning after taking Itsy out I took the package upstairs with me to bed. I gave myself time to ease into opening it. I knew that it would be special and precious and hard all in one. I ripped the box open. Yes, ripped it! Inside were the most amazing gifts full of heart and love and the things only a best friend could send.

A candle with the perfect message from "my angel". We will light it on the 20th. Then I will light it when I need too.

A little box with a poem about tears. Inside was a pin with little footprints from my angel.

Then the book. I scrapbooks amazing things. I know how much her heart went into it. It was a very small little book with memories written on the front. Inside has pictures from those 2 amazing months. A picture of my baby, the gift I gave Grumps with the first pregnancy test. All 3 tests I took to convince Grumps that it was real and my last belly shot. No words, just pictures. I told me later that she couldn't think of the words to add but then realized that the pictures speak for themselves.

I cried. I cried long and hard. I am still crying just typing this thinking about I's heart and my angel.

For the rest of the day I have just taken my time to do what I wanted to do. The weather is PERFECT outside. Seriously PERFECT! The windows are open. I am on my deck drinking wine, reading, and eating some yummy things (cookies that will add major pounds to my butt because I am a cookie monster.) I also have my favorite group blaring, The Wreckers. (Do you remember Felicity? Remember the episode when her roommate said that she knows what kind of mood she is according to which Sarah McLachlan cd was play? That is me with The Wreckers."

I am not depressed or blue. I am just grieving early. I need to give myself time to process not having my baby in my arms like I had dreamed. I need to come to grips that 'she' will never be here on earth with me. I just need this time for me.

Google Calendar

Google Calendar is my brain. I have so many dates to keep up with that it drives me nuts. I need to type my appointments in and get my little morning notice. Something to stick in my head throughout my day.

Well the other day I went to add all my March dates and guess what? March 20th showed up with .... Birthday?!!!

Boy was I stupid to put that in my calendar! My heart dropped and I quickly erased it. I would have died to have that little morning notice on the 20th.

How could I forget that day?

Held

I need to be held tonight. I need to be held tight. I feel like I am unraveling. It just all hit me. Well maybe not. It has been slowly coming. The heaviness that sits on your chest. The feeling that you can't breathe.

I just need a moment for me. I need to go through my short little pile of memories from this summer. I need to look at the 'baby' picture and touch 'her' things. I need to just be.

I don't want to get here again. I don't want to sink low and not be able to get back out of the pits of despair. I have been so good. I have stayed high. PLEASE don't let me fall!

I hope this feeling lightens soon. I don't think I can hold on like this treading water and putting on my mask until April. I hope it is just a 'tonight' thing. The long days, the to do's and dates, the wine, the stress, the pms, Grumps.

I just need to be held tight tonight. Not by any flesh arms but supernatural arms. God's arms. I need to be held tight!

Hold me Jesus
by Rich Mullins

Well, sometimes my life
Just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

CHORUS:
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

CHORUS

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something
I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band
Is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

CHORUS

You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

The Day Is Coming

March 20th will be here so soon. Seeing K and her belly and hearing her say only 6 weeks to go, WOW I was trying to forget.

I started thinking about to the day I got my BFP. I thought I never would see that day. The emotions were crazy. I was on cloud nine with butterflies to beat all butterflies. I couldn't stop running and jumping through my house. I wanted to tell the world but also wanted to hold the news close to my heart.

Some days that day feels like a dream that I made up in my little infertile world.

Just like that amazing day I will never forget week 6 when my numbers weren't doubling. I thought we were losing our little angel to heaven. I cried like I have never cried before. Tears shook my body down to the very core of my being. I wanted to die. When I saw my little one's heart beating life filled me with hope again.

Then there was the day when there wasn't a heartbeat. I couldn't cry. The world stood still. I felt like I was drowning.

I wonder what March 20th will be. How will I remember that day? How will it mark my life?

Searching

I was playing around tonight searching for my blog on the internet. It wasn't too long ago that I didn't have many links. Okay I still really don't compared to the big bloggers. But I did find this beautiful post. I had no idea that someone blogged about me. It moved me to tears.

She was blogging about the 4 top blog moments of the week of November 3rd. I was one of them.

And ending with a beautiful post about loss...My Journey Towards My Little Miracle has two posts this week about the aftermath. I was holding my breath towards the end: "the silence in the room when we didn't see the flicker of life. The look on my doctors face. Feeling like I was underwater and in slow motion as my doctor explained that our baby was gone." And smiled through the earlier memories of "the day I began to crave sweets again. When I always needed a nap and this one day I wasn't even tired." I'm so sorry, Sunny. These were gorgeous posts. I wish you were pulling out maternity clothes too.

WOW reliving those few moments took my breath away and brought the tears that have been gone for so long.

A Moment

I had a moment yesterday. All day I was blue. Not deep blue but just a slight shade. I guess 2006 just sort of hit me. Or more like wrapped itself around me.

With the holiday pressing on me, new pregnancy announcements, bellies growing, babies leaving for heaven, I felt overwhelmed.

I put away the stupid pregnancy magazines that continue to come into my mailbox and some dried flowers from our little one in heaven. I put them in the room that would have been the nursery. I put them in my Hope Chest with all of my other memories from this summer, from 2006. I let myself look for just a second of what was in that chest. It took my breath away and completely over took me. I began to think back over this year. Lupron, friends having little ones and others losing theirs to heaven, my baby, the loss of our angel, my brother's baby, more pregnancy announcements and losses to heaven, and the holidays.

Christmas was a wonderful time with my family. I was completely dreading it. I was dreading pity and fake joy for the new addition to our family. None of that happened. There were some silent looks of compassion but nothing was spoken about. It was a relief. The new addition was precious but major work. There were no cooing and ooing over the little man. Seeing other have to work to keep him happy and quiet was nice. I had to laugh and sigh on the inside. I didn't have that problem. Not that I didn't want that problem but right then I didn't have it.

No one said anything stupid about us not having children and timelines and all that stupid stuff people accidentally say. Everyone was very sensitive to where we were or better yet, where we were not.

There was one hard moment. My brother and his best friend both have babies. They are both younger than me. I have been married WAY more than they have. I had to watch everyone play with their babies and see the look of pride in their eyes. It did me in. We left the next day. I wanted to cry but didn't have the time or the place to let it all out.

I got home to 2 pregnancy announcements. I am very happy for both but it was hard. They are both pregnant with their second child. I don't have my first yet. Mine is in heaven.

I couldn't stop thinking about how my body would look if I was still pregnant right now. What my life would be like as the countdown begins. I have lost count to how many weeks I would be at until I saw someone's ticker who is 2 weeks behind me. It made me really sad. March 20th continues to flash through my mind daily. I can't get that date out of my thoughts. I don't think I ever will.

Tonight we are off to party in the new year. D will be with me. We both want to put this year FAR behind us. I thought that it would be a year of great things. Instead it was a year of disappointments and heartache. Not saying that the entire year was a loss but I am clouded by it right now. Maybe in time the clouds will clear and I can see the good. I know it is there.

I take into 2007 a stronger marriage. Grumps has learned to protect me and read me and really know me this year.

I take into 2007 stronger friendships. I thought back to the beginning of last year. I had good friends but they have completely changed as the year pushed through.

I take into 2007 a great deal of loss and pain that I hope can turn into compassion for others.

Finally I take into 2007 a deeper relationship with God. We talk ALL THE TIME! I cry to Him. Sing praises to Him. Feel Him holding me steady and strong every day. I guess that is what this year truly is about. Growing closer to my Heavenly Father.

I really hope that 2007 is a different year. I hope that it turns into something wonderful. I am not even going to say the word baby with 2007. I just want peace. It would be amazing to have my miracle but if I get closed doors and a peaceful mind that doesn't think about not having a child every second, that would be a miracle as well.

*Sorry for the all over the place post. My brain has been writing a couple of them over the past week. It only made since to put them together even though the flow wasn't there. I know, I write this for me but I think of you as I type.

A Baby Has Wings

My dear friend has had another angel leave her to heaven.

Her heart is broken and so is mine .

How unfair is it to lose your baby to heaven at Christmas and on your 30th birthday.

My friend has been my life line since I lost my baby to heaven. She emails daily with encouraging words, scripture and prayer. She knows how to cheer me on. I only hope I can do the same for her now.

I have cried for her as if I lost my angel all over again. She deserves a baby in her arms. Her heart is solid gold.

God take this little one and old it tight. Give it wings to fly! Hold my friend and steady her with Your Perfect Peace.

Here

I am here. I am around. I am reading and commenting sometimes.

Grumps and I are going away for a long weekend. I need to get away. I need to be renewed. We need time together having fun and not thinking about what is missing.

I have so many thoughts rushing around in my head. Thoughts that can be typed out. Thoughts that shouldn't be typed out. Thoughts that won't be typed out.

I am holding it together but only by the grace of God. I have to use all my power and more of God's to not think about what breaks my heart. I fight off tears more times than I can count. I really would like to just fast forward the holiday season.

I Forgot

I was reminded by my new email friend of something HUGE that I need to be thankful for. Thank you, Julie!

I am so thankful the ability to keep trying to get pregnant. I still can. My body still works. I have all the pieces. I am hoping that they are still clean. But there is hope there that many don't have.

I am also very thankful for this summer though the hardest thing EVER. I am thankful that I carried life for 8 precious weeks. I wouldn't trade that for the world except for having my baby in my arms instead of heaven. I rub my belly sometimes just to tell my angel that I will never stop loving her.

Julie thank you again for reminding me of more blessings!

The Closet

I finally cleaned out my closet.

2 garbage bags of clothes that don't fit any more. I am tired of keeping them around.

Sweaters now fill my closet.

While cleaning things up I found a baby outfit for a friend. Cute, pink, 3 months. I threw it across my room. I later threw it into the room of doom.

I wish I was a couple of sizes smaller.

I wish that outfit was for my little girl.

I wish I was pulling out my maternity clothes instead of my old winter sweaters.

All the Angels in Heaven

Today is a day of remembrance for all the little angels in heaven.

It was going to be a hard day for my friend but it was lined in hope and excitement.

Today my friend's baby would have been in our arms. We would have taken pictures, ooed and awed. We would have toasted to life and the future. But she lost her baby to heaven in March.

She was dreading today. It has been sitting heavy on her heart for months. The countdown to October 15th. But God had give her a little surprise. She had found out this she was pregnant. We were all beside ourselves. If I got my bfp we would be only 5 days a part.

Last night we talked about me testing early and today coming.

This morning I woke up not feeling it in my gut to test. So I prayed for my friend and her baby. I went downstairs and check my email to find she has lost another baby to heaven. It all happened this morning on an already sad day.

Today was suppose to be a day that had hope attached to sadness. Now it is just sadness. My heart is beyond heavy for her. It is breaking for her. I want to fix it and make it all better. I want to erase today. I want to hold her hand as she sees her babies. But all I can do now is pray, comfort, listen, and pray some more.

If you know anyone who has lost a baby to heaven pray for them today. Remember their loss. And say a prayer for my friend.

They Entered Heaven

together...

When I was pregnant my mom told me of a girl at her church who was due the day before me. I immediatley felt a bond with her even though I had never met her.

After my miscarriage I continued to think about her and pray for her. One day my mom called to ask me to pray for a girl at her church who had just lost her baby to heaven. My heart broke for this person I had never met. I asked my mom if it was the girl whose baby was due the day before mine. She said yes.

I began to pray and cry for her. She was my bond. She was to have the baby since I lost mine to heaven. But she was walking in the same shoes that I am was walking in.

I have since emailed her and told my story. She told me her's.

Our baby's entered heaven together. She was 13 weeks when they realized her baby went to heaven 7 weeks before. Her baby went to heaven at 6 weeks just like my baby. Our babies turned into angels together.

One day I hope to meet A. I also hope to meet her baby in heaven. I am sure our babies are the best of friends since they entered heaven together.