Grieving Early

Grumps is gone for the weekend. I have a cold. My plan has been to stay in all day and not face the world. Not a bad plan. We all know I LOVE my bed time with my TiVo.

Today I decided to not only just veg out but to begin grieving a bit. I know it sounds crazy and silly. How do you plan your grieving time? Well I haven't. I have had moments in the car on the way to work. We all know about the other night when I cried myself to sleep. Today really wasn't any different. I guess I didn't plan it. Well maybe I did.

My best friend I sent me a package this week. She had warned me of the package. I knew in my heart that one was coming. She told me it was for the 20th, my due date. She told me to open it whenever I wanted but to be warned. I planned in my head after that conversation to open it today. I am alone. I needed to be alone when I opened it. I didn't want Grumps eyes staring to see if I cried like he does when we watch a movie and it gets to a sad part. I wanted to cry and cry ugly if I needed to. You know the cry? Ugly faces, ugly sobs, gut wrenching cry.

This morning after taking Itsy out I took the package upstairs with me to bed. I gave myself time to ease into opening it. I knew that it would be special and precious and hard all in one. I ripped the box open. Yes, ripped it! Inside were the most amazing gifts full of heart and love and the things only a best friend could send.

A candle with the perfect message from "my angel". We will light it on the 20th. Then I will light it when I need too.

A little box with a poem about tears. Inside was a pin with little footprints from my angel.

Then the book. I scrapbooks amazing things. I know how much her heart went into it. It was a very small little book with memories written on the front. Inside has pictures from those 2 amazing months. A picture of my baby, the gift I gave Grumps with the first pregnancy test. All 3 tests I took to convince Grumps that it was real and my last belly shot. No words, just pictures. I told me later that she couldn't think of the words to add but then realized that the pictures speak for themselves.

I cried. I cried long and hard. I am still crying just typing this thinking about I's heart and my angel.

For the rest of the day I have just taken my time to do what I wanted to do. The weather is PERFECT outside. Seriously PERFECT! The windows are open. I am on my deck drinking wine, reading, and eating some yummy things (cookies that will add major pounds to my butt because I am a cookie monster.) I also have my favorite group blaring, The Wreckers. (Do you remember Felicity? Remember the episode when her roommate said that she knows what kind of mood she is according to which Sarah McLachlan cd was play? That is me with The Wreckers."

I am not depressed or blue. I am just grieving early. I need to give myself time to process not having my baby in my arms like I had dreamed. I need to come to grips that 'she' will never be here on earth with me. I just need this time for me.