Wednesday, March 14, 2007

In the Genes

Or is it just taught.

Today on my lovely drive to work I passed a bus stop with kids from my school. I pass them every morning. If I pass that spot and they aren't there then we know that either I am really late or I am REALLY late.

At the bus stop today there was the same cute little blond girl dancing around. She is always doing some sort of cheer or dance routine. Yes, I also get stuck at that very spot every morning. She wasn't just dancing today she was holding a baby. At first I thought it was a real baby until she threw it into the air. I wanted to scream, STOP until I saw it was way too small to be real. She was playing with this doll acting like she was rocking it to sleep for another super little girl. It was really precious. She had all the motions down perfectly. The rocking, swinging, singing. It hit my heart pretty hard. It also made me wonder if woman have this need to have babies in our genes, our makeup or is it just taught.

Growing up I always had dolls. I always played house. I always took care of every one. Of course I was the oldest so that didn't help. When my little sister was born I was 10. I became her second mom. I got up in the night to feed and put her back to bed. I changed diapers. I rocked her to sleep. I even spanked her when she got older. When she was sick she cried for me, not for my mom.

Being a mom was totally my number one desire for my life besides being a wife. I had huge plans as a little girl to be married by 18 and have all my kids by 19. Yes, I didn't have a grasp on time yet but you get the gist. I wanted it all.

So thinking back to that little girl and me as a kid, is this desire learned or born? I know the answer isn't that important but I just can't stop thinking about that little doll. If we didn't give little girls dolls would they still have that baby desire.

Man I hate how infertility can seep into all areas of your life including your commute to work.

Oh by the way, still now Aunt Flow. Of course I tested and of course it was a bfn. I also got my injectibles in the mail today. They are now loving my fridge.


PCOSMama said...

I think the dolls just satisfy a need that is already there. Obviously not every little girl plays with dolls and they don't all grow up wanting to be mommies, but I think most of us do. We are so drawn to the dolls because we are born with that need.

Beth said...

Wow -- great way to define that... I was the one playing with Hot Wheels Cars... this feeling for motherhood crept up on this Tom Boy -- there was no getting away from it. I hope you get your wish very soon! p.s. I hope I like the chiropractor too. I go back tomorrow - fingers crossed that somehow I can get back to jogging.

GLouise said...

It is pretty amazing to see how little girls can exhibit a maternal instinct.

I was always one of the girls who LOVED playing house and playing mommy to my dolls. I have been composing baby names in my head since I was five years old!

No wonder it seems like something is missing!

DD said...

For whatever reason, I can never remember as a girl wanting to grow up and be a Mom. I wonder if that is now somehow related to my current state. That's when your mind really starts f*cking with you.

snapshots said...

I think we're born with that "instinct" (is that too 'animal' of a word?') in us and then society plays its part too. Oh I also LOVED playing with dolls. I even got one of those 'real' babies. The ones that are the right weight and size. I had to have 'the real thing'. I guess over the years, I've just put that desire on the back burner. Can't even let my head go there when the two biggest desires of my heart have not yet been met.

babydreams said...

I think God made us that way--to long for babies and nurturing. That makes it all the more painful to me that I can't do what women are created to do.