Saturday, March 31, 2007

Trying to Stay Grounded

I have been on this journey way too long to have that newbie feeling. You know the feeling.

It goes something like this:

OH MY GOSH THIS IS THE MONTH!!!

I got my first opk telling me its a go. It must be the month.

The tech said that after my hsg many women get pregnant. OH IT IS ME THIS MONTH!

WOW my temps are super high. Or I had that nice perfect implantation dip! I am pregnant this month for sure.

My doctor gave me Clomid this cycle. This will be the one.

Okay do you have that feeling? The new feeling? That HUGE hope feeling? I have been on this road too long to even have that feeling anymore. Okay there have been times it jumps up but I stomp on it like a cockroach! I shout SHUT UP!

Now I have just done my first IUI. Yes, my FIRST! I should have those first feelings. They come for a bit but the reality hits. Why would it work for me? It hasn't worked for many of my friends. I read so many blogs that IVF isn't even working right now. WHY should the IUI work for me?

I so want it to work. Man, I would give anything for it to work. But to be very honest there is guilt there. Guilt that it worked for me and not my friends. Guilt that they would have that yuck feeling when they see me say "I got my BFP! It worked!!!" How sick is that? I don't want that. I don't want to feel that way. I don't want to have that stupid guilt.

I guess the remedy of it all would be to stop reading blogs. Of course I can't do that but my brain has been exposed to so much that I have lost that first feeling.

I am not sure if my thoughts make any sense. I am just thinking out loud.

3 comments:

PCOSMama said...

I think the best attitude to have is that every month could be the month. I know it's hard, but I think positive thinking is good for a (possible) developing embryo!

And hey, if this is your first IUI, then there's no reason to think it won't work! IUI gives those little spermies a nice advantage! And rest and relaxation help too. With any luck, you'll be coming back from vacation pregnant!

Patience said...

I hear you babe...

niobe said...

I know what you mean about the guilt part.

A friend of mine was doing her second or third IVF at the same time I was doing my first. She didn't get pregnant. I did. With twins. (it didn't work out so well, but that's another story).

She was so happy for me, but I felt that she was the one who really deserved to be pregnant and that somehow I had "stolen" her chance.