Not How We Thought It Would Be

I have been toying with a title for this post for days. Here are a few of them.

5 year anniversary - yep we have been doing this dance for 5 years. I could have had a 4 year old if it had worked the way it is 'supposed to'.

5 out of 7 - how many days I was at the RE last week.

Busted - my IUI cycle.

Laying EGGS - I had more eggs than my body knew what to do with them.

A year of my fertile life - about how many eggs I lost this month.

The Big Scary Step - what is now upon us.

And finally what I ended up with!

Lets just skip to the chase. There will be no IUI this week. I over produced. I had over 20 follicles form. 12 turned into something. 7 to 9 moved into good sized follicles for producing something. The idea of IVF got thrown out there by the BIG office but quickly got taken back by the real thinkers who know my cycle. There was talk of if I would consider selective reduction if needed in order to go through with this IUI. I couldn't make that call. So I got the call Monday afternoon to end this little game we were playing and go onto the pill. I haven't been on the pill in over 8 years. I was also told to use another form of protection of we had relations. We haven't used protection in 5 years.

With all this disappointment and throwing around ideas Grumps and I were left frustrated. We are tired of playing games and changing schedules to fit my bodies schedule. We are tired of the maybes and oops each month. We have decided to move towards IVF.

We sat together in silence letting the idea sink in. We were sad. Sad because we never thought we would have to be here. In fact at the beginning of all of this we both pretty much said we would never go down this road. Grumps was for sure not bending on the idea. Now it was decided on without much discussion.

I talked with my amazing RE! (He called the day of the cancellation making sure I was okay and being there to answer questions. He also answered my email right away. What doctor has email?) I didn't want to be on the pill for 2 months before we could start everything. So this is my pill and lupron month. I will start my lupron shots the first week of March.

I know YEAH for moving ahead. YEAH this will work. YEAH I am so excited. I have heard it all. But we all know it might not. I am guarding myself. I am guarding Grumps too. We aren't telling family right now. I don't want them to be disappointed. You can cheer us on but be careful, we are pretty breakable.

Just Shoot Me!

Man I hate how long I have left you all hanging. Like you wait for every update! I have been so busy with work, shots in the belly, monitoring, and SICK that blogging has been on the back burner. Actually, I have wanted to blog so bad but by the time I get into bed with my laptop (Oh so romantic) all I want to do is check my email and watch tv.

Today was one of my worst days teaching in a good chunk of time. I have sent 2 kids to the office in the past 2 days. That is more than my entire 9 years of teaching. I am at a loss for the behavior in my classroom. Of course the mom of one of the kids thinks I suck so she wants a conference with the assistant principal, counselor and me. Thank God I have kept at least the counselor involved in all of this. I wish I could go into more detail but it all just SUCKS being me right now.

Of course my IUI is next week along with the 100th day of school, staff meeting, 2 conferences, GT crap (wanting to use a much harsher word), and stupid Valentines day. I am sure there is something else mixed in with all of that. Oh maybe it is Grumps working Vday evening due to the 'timing' of our IUI.

Well being a teacher is a joy, can't you tell? Seriously if you want my job IT IS YOURS! On top of the behavior issues I get a conversation of THIS at least once a week. Enjoy!

*Mrs. Grumps are you going to lay a baby? (yep you heard me, lay a baby! There are 10 pregos at work. My kids are obsessed!)

*I laugh and say, NOPE, no laying a baby here!

*Then my obnoxious kid asks how long I have been married.

*10 years.

*He replies with, "MY GOSH you should have had a baby by now. What is the problem? When are you going to have a baby?!

*My reply, after dealing with parents and sending kids to the office, "When God gives me my miralce." (I don't care if I say 'God' in a public school. In fact one of the kids was like, "Oh my gosh she said 'god!' Oooooooo)

*Then one girl, who I was going to say was sweet but in fact is a brat said, "Guys, even if God doesn't give her a baby, at least she has Itsy to love her. She is like her child."

My friend is listening to all of this flabbergasted. Her heart is broken and just doesn't know what to say. All I can do is laugh at the sweetness of children. The world is not only NOT seen in race but also not in IF terms with children!

I haven't forgotten about my stupid people post! It will come!

Sorry if this doesn't make any sense. I have enjoyed my night being PISSED in my beer with my good friend and Grumps! Fat food and drinks RULE!

The Let Down

You can all stop holding your breath! It was a negative. I pretty much knew it would be since cramps have been my best friend. Gotta love the warning!

Grumps did take the phone call for me. It felt good knowing I didn't have a call waiting for me in my voicemail at work. When I called him to find out the results I could hear it in his voice. He said it was the worst call ever. It made him feel so awful when they start with, Hello, may I speak to .... I just wanted to let you know... in a very sad voice.... that it is a negative. YUCK! BUT Grumps said he was glad he could do that for me. He would do it every time. LOVE YOU!

They believe the reason for it not working (whatever they have no clue) is because my lining was so thin. No more Clomid and the Big G for me! Onto all injections. YIPEE!!! So my cycle should start on Friday and we will start this crazy ride all over again.

Onto better things, going for wings and beer! I can't stop singing, There's a tear in my beer!!!

Thank you for cheering me on and being there for me this month! Here's to more fun next time!

My next post will be all about stupid people! I know you can't wait!!!

Oh one more thing, there is another pregnant person at work! LOVE IT!

The little blue pill

My IUI is on for tomorrow. OH MY! It feels good to be doing SOMETHING instead of waiting. My u/s showed 2 really nice sized follicles on my right side. My left had lots of little ones. Everyone seemed happy.

I triggered last night. I gave myself a really nice painful bruise in the process. I wasn't so smart. I put the needle in the same place as my big F. It looks LOVELY! War scars is all I guess.

My lining wasn't all that great. I was given estrogen in a nice little blue pill to put up my girl. I was warned not to be freaked out by any leftover pill that shows up in my undies. She didn't warn me that it would turn my undies BLUE! I wish I could show someone. It is too funny. Starting tomorrow I will have 2 pills going up my girl. FUN TIMES!

So fingers crossed, prayers, happy thoughts, whatever for tomorrow.

Shooting Up!

Just this past week I had my little love affair with the little C pill. I am glad to say we are done with each other for this month. I still feel her effects but I guess that is a good thing. Tonight my love affair began with a new lover, the needle and Big F!

All day I have been anticipating our little dance we would have. The getting used to each other all over again. It has been awhile since we went on this ride. I had butterflies. I am not sure if they were from excitement or from fear. Maybe a little of both. What if I screwed it all up?

I finally stopped the countdown and just went for the plunge. I pulled everything out of the box. Washed my hands. Wiped my belly. Put the BIG needle on. Mixed the shot. Changed the needle. Got the air out. Prayed over the whole process, hoping for a miracle.

It all felt like a first kiss or seeing an old boy friend after a long time. Nervous, excited and then BAM! I grabbed my fat and stuck myself quickly. I forgot how much it stings and takes forever to go in. But when I finished and put my little needle into my beautiful red 'bottle' I had that feeling, the rush of going for it. It felt good.

Now lets hope Little C and Big F create beautiful sized follicles that will produce lovely eggs. Here's to Mondays u/s.

Clomid isn't Nice

I tried really heart to speak kindly to my little pill. I loved on her. Spoke to her with sweet talk. SHE IS EVIL! For some reason she just doesn't like me today. I can only hope she falls in love with me by Monday for my u/s.

This morning my insides felt like they were on fire and jumping all over the place. My hands were even shaking. With the growing anxiety building inside rage quickly took over its place. Then it ended with a nice hot flash with exhaustion.

Last time Clomid was a good girl. She just gave me little hot flashes. I can do hot flashes. I loved with them for a year on Lupron. But now she is a really bad girl. Tonight is my last night inviting little c into my 'bed'. I am ready to move onto my big man the shot!

On another note, Hugg*es reminded me I should have a 9 month old. Truly nice. I wish I could sue! If I end up with multiples I might just send them a letter demanding free diapers.

Happy Almost Friday!

Headaches, Cycles, and Babies

I am posting early today from bed. Yep I took the day off. I have had a headache since Saturday. It comes and goes. It gets worse and then lightens up. I have taken the good pills and the normal ones. Not much is helping. I guess it is stress. I do this. I let it all build up, usually in my sleep, and then explode one day. I am now exploding. To help with the explosion, I am going for a massage. Something has to give.

I am on day 5 of this lovely cycle. Two clomid pills down. Hope is rising in a very slow weird way. Guarded is my middle name. Hopeful will be my first. I have to hope. I can't be numb forever. But I will stay guarded. On day 3 I brought my little white pill to bed with me at 9. I looked at it from a far. Flirting a little with my eyes. HA! Then I began to fondle my sweet pill. Working hard to get it out of its little protective package. Next I held it between my fingers saying little sweet nothings to it. "Please do a good job! Please help give us a baby!" Down that little white pill went. Saturday will be my affair with my needle!

I am helping my team give a baby shower on Friday. I don't do baby showers unless I just have to. I have to with this one. I tried to stay just as an adviser but it looks like I am now going to be walking down the isle of baby crap to fill up a basket of stuff. Whose idea? MINE! Just shoot me now.

On a good baby note, Debby is having a boy! Go give her some amazing love! I hope she posts about it soon. She has the most priceless u/s ever!

Here We GO!!!

As of December 1st my insurance kicked in. Today I actually got my card in the mail. I was SO HAPPY! Usually I hate mail like that but not my pretty new insurance card. I am in love!

I also made my consult appointment. You won't believe how quick I got in. I called Monday and was in Wednesday. YEP! I was over the moon. The consult was fine. D went with me replacing Grumps. I need an extra pair of ears sometimes. Too many appointments alone, too many overwhelmed moments. My doc was so funny about her being there. He gave her eye contact and even asked if she "Grumps" had any questions.

I was a little disappointed. Going into the consult I was on day 1. I was hoping to squeeze in an IUI this month. With out enough time for my insurance to consent, it was a no go. Cool, fine, if I have waited this long I can wait one more month. He did want to do day 3 bloodwork and u/s. No waiting here, I booked it for today.

SO I was SO excited about starting my Friday/weekend off with a nice wanding! I prepared myself this morning. I felt I should give the tech the pleasure of shaved legs. I have turned to winter mode and decided to just not shave until I have too. Then my thoughts went to one of the DC bloggers conversations from last weekend. We talked about all we do for our u/s. I talked about making sure my 'girl' was taken care of. Everyone thought that wasn't necessary. They said the tech never looks. Well why waste that time on no eyes. So I didn't groom her like I usually do. (I know, too much info but there is a reason for it.)

As I am waiting to start my Friday, sitting in the waiting room, texting work, I see my doctor. I think he was surprised to see my face so soon. I didn't want to wait until next month and they find something wrong. OK this story is getting out of control long. Moving along. I go disrobe from the waist down when in walks my doc. My first thoughts, MY GIRL ISN'T PREPARED! He has never seen my girl. He just talks to me and gives me wisdom. I am hoping he is just going to watch.

NOPE! He makes small talk about how nice it is to see me so soon. He asked where my friend was and why she didn't come with me. THEN he moves in. He lifts the paper and LOOKS AT MY GIRL! I am freaking out. I know he has seen it all. I understand it isn't a big deal but it really is for me. THEN he continues to stare as he puts the wand in. I felt like it was an eternity with his eyes checking out my jewel. Then he starts to tell a joke. The man is always serious. Not this morning, he wants to chat it up with me while I am being wanded!

I know, stupid post but my mind can't leave it. He saw my girl not very pretty this morning. We connected over a joke. He warned me there would be pressure. I am not a virgin in any way shape or form. I think we are now in love. HA!

Maybe I will be wanded next month on day 3. I will make sure my girl is looking pretty.

The New Plan

SUCKS!

Yep that's right, there is a plan. It isn't my plan. I don't like the plan. But it is the new plan. You want to hear it?

First, Grumps and I communicate about as well as two strangers. We used to not be this way but since we have taken the road of infertility it has just gotten bad. We talk but neither listen. We think what we each want and hope that the other will agree with that. But we never do.

Going into this last IUI I knew that he wanted to wait until I could switch insurances. I told him that I couldn't wait. I needed to press on. He was totally for that. In my mind that meant he would push forward with me if this one failed. He would do whatever to afford the IUIs. In his mind he was thinking THIS WILL WORK! I wasn't thinking that.

SO the IUI fails. He wants me to take a break because of my mono. Why risk money/IUI if my mono could cause an unknown problem. I needed my RE to tell me that. He agreed with Grumps. I was fine with that. If the doctor who wants my money thinks a month off would help then I am all for it. I tell Grumps this when he gets home. He says, "Good, we can't afford it anyways." NICE! I got upset, he apologizes.

This goes on and on. I will just get to the point. We are waiting until I can switch to my work insurance in October before moving forward with anything. YEP 6 months!

Grumps says, "This will be a nice break." WHATEVER!

He says, "What is the RUSH!" Yea, we have really been rushing.

I tried to explain my heart, how I was feeling. I gave up. He doesn't get it.

I say, "I was hoping we would be pregnant before our miscarriage due date."

I also say, "I wanted to be pregnant before D had her baby. To be pregnant together."

He says, "I don't harbor hard feelings towards her. I am not jealous. You should be happy. This is hard for her too." SO MISSING THE POINT!

I cried and cried and am still crying. He left the room. But we are going to see his family this summer on the other side of North America.

I totally get what he is thinking, but that isn't what I am feeling. Now I really want to quit. Totally want to quit all of this.

I know many of you are thinking, "Why can't they afford IUIs? They are cheap." Not with my clinic. Our last one was $1600. The next one will be $1400 and then down to $1300. So it isn't a drop in the bucket.

MAN I was doing so good trying to be better about things but now I am just PISSED!

Words of Comfort

On the day of what would have been my due date, a friend sent me a verse to encourage me. She had read it in The Message, a plain today's language version. It touched my heart. I wrote it out on a stickie and stuck it on my laptop.

I read it this morning and was reminded of God's grace and comfort. Today is a new day. I will pick myself up and dust myself off and move forward.

Matthew 5:3 and 4

"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and His rule.

You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you."

The Message

Pour Me a Glass of Wine

Oh wait, I already did!

That's right. I am not pregnant. I got the call from my nurse, NEGATIVE! I let my voice mail catch it while I was teaching. I took a moment outside my room to listen. I heard it in her voice before she even had to say anything. I deleted the message, took a breath, and walked back into my room to finish the day.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to just crawl under the covers for forever. But I pressed on and 'inspired' my kids!

My girls called and emailed. I felt hugs from all over the place.

I didn't know how to tell Grumps. I had planned to stop at the store and buy him something that said 'Daddy' today. I was torn about texting him, calling him, or waiting to tell him in person. He called me first. We shot the breeze for a couple of minutes and then I just say, "We aren't pregnant." He was so shocked. He totally had HUGE hope!

I had let myself start hoping yesterday. I had started planning and having HUGE hope. I wish I hadn't. Thank GOD I had others holding my hope the entire time. How hard it would have been if I had known all along that I was pregnant. Being that hopeful.

I came home and put on The Wreckers, opened the wine, started dinner and held back the tears. I wanted to cry alone. I didn't want Grumps to see my heart broken. He came up to grab dinner and pulled me out of my chair. He heard the music, saw the wine, and knew that my heart was hurt. He held me and let me cry. We don't do that very often. I cried really hard. I told him how I wish there wasn't money involved. The money part makes it hard. He said, "Don't worry about the money."

Now I just enjoy my life right NOW! We still need to talk about what's next. Do we spend more money for the next IUI like our RE wants to do? Or do we wait until the fall when I can switch insurances and not have to worry about the money? My heart says to go for another IUI. I am not sure what Grumps' brain is telling him.

Thank you for all of your prayers and support during this cycle. I don't' know how many of you do this month after month. I don't know how you go through IVF and make it out okay on the other side.

Off to finish my first glass of wine and start on the second.

Trying to Stay Grounded

I have been on this journey way too long to have that newbie feeling. You know the feeling.

It goes something like this:

OH MY GOSH THIS IS THE MONTH!!!

I got my first opk telling me its a go. It must be the month.

The tech said that after my hsg many women get pregnant. OH IT IS ME THIS MONTH!

WOW my temps are super high. Or I had that nice perfect implantation dip! I am pregnant this month for sure.

My doctor gave me Clomid this cycle. This will be the one.

Okay do you have that feeling? The new feeling? That HUGE hope feeling? I have been on this road too long to even have that feeling anymore. Okay there have been times it jumps up but I stomp on it like a cockroach! I shout SHUT UP!

Now I have just done my first IUI. Yes, my FIRST! I should have those first feelings. They come for a bit but the reality hits. Why would it work for me? It hasn't worked for many of my friends. I read so many blogs that IVF isn't even working right now. WHY should the IUI work for me?

I so want it to work. Man, I would give anything for it to work. But to be very honest there is guilt there. Guilt that it worked for me and not my friends. Guilt that they would have that yuck feeling when they see me say "I got my BFP! It worked!!!" How sick is that? I don't want that. I don't want to feel that way. I don't want to have that stupid guilt.

I guess the remedy of it all would be to stop reading blogs. Of course I can't do that but my brain has been exposed to so much that I have lost that first feeling.

I am not sure if my thoughts make any sense. I am just thinking out loud.

A Little Peek

Today I got to see what the men see when they go into that little room. MAN I do feel a little bit sorry for them. Just a tiny bit.

The room was nice. It had a nice reclining chair. GROSS!!! All I could think about was how many men sat there and did their business. In front of the chair was a little tv, XXX movies and magazines and a sink with no mirror.

Man the pressure! The lady gave the directions, cup and instructions to ring the bell when we were done. We locked the door and began the jerk. HA! You could hear people walking around the hall. HOW NOT PRIVATE! When we finished, boy was it hard to aim into that little cup, we rang the bell. There was a knock at the door. The girl came in gloved. That was it, we did the dirty in a room and the world knows about it.

2 hours later I am spread eagle having 23 million spermies inserted into my hoohoo! Now the 2 week wait in JAMAICA starting Monday!

I still feel bad for Grumps and all the times he had to jerky lurky alone in a scary room.

We Got an All Clear!

Here is a quick update from my sick bed. Yep, that's right. I have strep for the second time in 2 weeks. On top of that the doctor wants to rule out Mono. NICE!

My left ovary really didn't develop. YEAH! My right ovary has some good follies. I had a couple of 16mm, a 15.7, a 14 and a couple of 12's. The RE was there this morning to take a look. He felt really good about what he saw. He also said that multiples could be in our future, twins to be exact. Of course I laughed and then laughed all the way home. We all know that I am not thinking ANYTHING. No hope here. It is being held by others.

My RE wants me to trigger tonight. We were going to do the IUI on Wed. but because of Grumps schedule it is moved up for TOMORROW! He goes in at 9:45. I follow at 11:45. Then we dtd Wed. and start the progesterone.

I am so glad Jamaica is next week. These past 2 have been a dilly.

Thanks for all the advice yesterday. You really helped me. Now if you could find a quick way for me to feel better I would love you even more.

First Ultra Sound Results

I went in this morning for my ultra sound to see how my follicles were doing. My ovaries really responded well to the drugs. In fact they over responded. I have 7 follicles forming. We really want to see only 2 to continue to develop.

My hormone levels are all good and stable so I am not doing any more injections. They want me to come in tomorrow morning for another u/s to see how things have developed. IF we do the IUI it is looking like the middle of the week. But I say IF because they don't want to do an IUI with so many follicles at my age. If I was 41 they would because many of the follicles wouldn't develop completely. If we were to change our minds and do IVF we have amazing follicles for it.
So here are my prayer requests... that my follicles would really just develop to a couple and not 7. My levels would continue to be stable and not get out of control. Finally Grumps is having to work 6am to 2pm during the middle of the week. They only do his part of the process in the morning. We could go to drive to the furthest RE office to have things done if that is the case and they can work with us OR they can freeze a sample.

I really don't want this cycle cancelled. I know that God has His perfect plans. I want them for sure.

Has anyone else had this happen to them? What did you do? UGH! Is all I can say. I so don't want this cycle to be cancelled. I keep thinking if I say that over and over again my body would hear it and do the right thing!

The Week

I have really wanted to blog for days. It is my little bit of therapy. I find that I usually feel WAY better after getting my thoughts out there to the world. There is something freeing about it.

This week has been very long and hard. Having family here really makes it tough to deal with grief and life. In a way it has been a great distraction. But it also has been very wearing.

I am very glad that Tuesday is over. I am also sad that it has come and gone. So sick how that works. I had a wonderful day getting a massage and having lunch and drinks with friends. I was surprised how during my massage I started to cry when she began to work on my arms. The thought that came to my mind was, "I should be holding a baby right now, NOT getting a massage." In fact during most of the massage I worked hard to clear my head. I found myself just thanking Jesus for my life. Then I would tear up again.

When I got home that evening I fell apart. I had flowers, cards, and emails from so many amazing friends. The love that surrounded me caused me to finally feel the sadness that I had been bottling up all day. I cried for hours. I cried so much that I just couldn't leave my room. Grumps was really wonderful. He gave me space when I needed it but also totally was there too.

Now that the 20th has come and gone I now get to obsess about this cycle. Tonight I gave myself my first injection. GO ME! I didn't even flinch! Grumps and I both prayed as I did it. Praying for it to work. Praying for amazing eggs. Praying for life to form soon. My hope is still being held tight by others but I am feeling it growing in me. My ultra sound is Sunday to see when I should trigger.

FINGERS CROSSED!!!

The Ball is Rolling

Today was day 3 of my cycle. As close as day 3 I could get. What does 'normal flow' mean for day 1 anyway? Grumps and I went in for my u/s and blood work to make sure I am not pregnant. HA! I still think that is funny. Ummm, flow is heavy, cramps are bad, Yep that means not pregnant!

I got my call letting me know that I could start taking my 50 whatever of Clomid tonight for the next 5 days. On day 9, that would be Friday, I give myself 150iu (I think that is right, the iu part) of Gonal F injection. I am a little nervous about mixing 2 powders into one shot. I hope I don't screw it up. THEN on Sunday I go for my next u/s to see when I need to trigger.

This morning we paid our lovely HUGE amount of money for our HOPEFULLY successful IUI. When I pulled the credit card out and the price was said verbally, I have seen it on paper many times, Grumps and I pretended that we never heard a thing.

My hope is very small again. I am not letting myself think about ANYTHING. No, this is going to work. OR this is so stupid and a waste of time. I am just letting it be. Going with the ride. Trying to get through this week. Counting down until Jamaica. Wanting a break!

Grumps sister and family are here. Please pray that I don't kill anyone or freak out now that I am on Clomid!

Attention All Bloggers

Attention!!!

Aunt Flow arrived this morning! We can now start our engines and get this going!

My injections arrived yesterday in a HUGE box! They are now partying in my fridge. NOW I can really 'plan' out this cycle!!!

HUGE Hope

There has been a lot of talk about hope around here lately.

After reading The Town Criers post on holding hope I haven't stopped thinking about it. I have talked about it with many friends. Today I was reminded of it again.

I have come to a place where my hope is only slightly there. You know the kind of hope that makes you keep temping or making a wish on a star or birthday candles. The hope you give to others that really is only a kind gesture at times. But not the HUGE hope that is needed to make your world fall apart if it doesn't happen.

I have been moving around in a very surface way. I know that my due date is approaching. I try not to think about it because I know what it will do to me. My IUI is coming up as well around the same time. We are putting out just a little bit of money for this one. Of course Grumps doesn't like that the money goes out even if we get something in return. I don't want to have HUGE hope. I just want to have little hope like a balloon flying in the air. I know that the balloon will not stay blown up forever. I even know that there is a chance it could fly away right from my fingers. That is the kind of hope I have right now.

I have decided to give my HUGE hope to my friends. D is holding it right now. I gave it to her for safe keeping. I am holding hers. Right now she is using my HUGE hope towards this current cycle I am in. My HUGE hope is believing that I am pregnant right now without even having to do my IUI. I can't think that. D is thinking it for me. I laugh every time she brings it up. See I gave her that HUGE hope for a reason. She holds it well.

Who is holding your HUGE hope for safe keeping? Or are you holding someone else's because it is easier than holding your own?

Learning to Poke and Being Poked

I went to my injection class the other day. D came with me. I needed ears since Grumps had to work. When I go to the doctor I think I will listen and pay attention. It never happens that way. I go in and my mind goes blank. It is like I am in a fog. I can hear what is being said but it doesn't stick. I leave overwhelmed and slightly lost. SO I take a friend now when I can. I have learned my lesson.

First D and I had to make it clear that we weren't 'partners' just good friends. I think we go our point across. I tried to talk about Grumps a lot. HA! The nurse explained everything well. We all got calendars with our protocol mapped out. I am glad I can just look at it to remember. I am still a little nervous and confused. We also practiced mixing my meds and injecting the needle into a piece of pig fat. Just joking, it was silicon but very over used and yucky! Now we just need to wait for AF. Oh good news, my nurse, I LOVE HER, got me a deal on my meds. I just need to pay my copay. I am glad to get a break somewhere.

On the other poking front, my acupuncturist/chiropractor put little tack like things in my ears and legs to stimulate throughout my day. The ear ones KILLED the first night and also brought on a nice cold. I don't think it brought the cold but it sure didn't help my sleep. I am used to them now. I just keep wondering what my ears will look like once they are removed.