Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Pour Me a Glass of Wine

Oh wait, I already did!

That's right. I am not pregnant. I got the call from my nurse, NEGATIVE! I let my voice mail catch it while I was teaching. I took a moment outside my room to listen. I heard it in her voice before she even had to say anything. I deleted the message, took a breath, and walked back into my room to finish the day.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to just crawl under the covers for forever. But I pressed on and 'inspired' my kids!

My girls called and emailed. I felt hugs from all over the place.

I didn't know how to tell Grumps. I had planned to stop at the store and buy him something that said 'Daddy' today. I was torn about texting him, calling him, or waiting to tell him in person. He called me first. We shot the breeze for a couple of minutes and then I just say, "We aren't pregnant." He was so shocked. He totally had HUGE hope!

I had let myself start hoping yesterday. I had started planning and having HUGE hope. I wish I hadn't. Thank GOD I had others holding my hope the entire time. How hard it would have been if I had known all along that I was pregnant. Being that hopeful.

I came home and put on The Wreckers, opened the wine, started dinner and held back the tears. I wanted to cry alone. I didn't want Grumps to see my heart broken. He came up to grab dinner and pulled me out of my chair. He heard the music, saw the wine, and knew that my heart was hurt. He held me and let me cry. We don't do that very often. I cried really hard. I told him how I wish there wasn't money involved. The money part makes it hard. He said, "Don't worry about the money."

Now I just enjoy my life right NOW! We still need to talk about what's next. Do we spend more money for the next IUI like our RE wants to do? Or do we wait until the fall when I can switch insurances and not have to worry about the money? My heart says to go for another IUI. I am not sure what Grumps' brain is telling him.

Thank you for all of your prayers and support during this cycle. I don't' know how many of you do this month after month. I don't know how you go through IVF and make it out okay on the other side.

Off to finish my first glass of wine and start on the second.

14 comments:

The Town Criers said...

Sweetheart, have a good cry tonight. Let it out. Give yourself a day or two to make a decision.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

Chris said...

Oh Sunny, I'm so sorry it didn't work! I do understand, all too well, what you are going through. Don't rush any decisions, just wait for your heart to tell you what to do. And keep the faith.

laura said...

Oh dear. I had my fingers crossed as I clicked on your blog, knowing that today was the day. I'm so sorry, I know how hopeful you were.

For what it's worth, I say persevere, press on, try again. Numbers, chance, luck, science, hope. Call it whatever you may.

snapshots said...

(((hugs)))Oh how I wish I were there with you to 'be' right now. Love you!

DD said...

None of us know how we keep going after a negative, but we do.

I'm sorry.

GLouise said...

Oh honey, I was holding out my huge hope for you guys this month.

We're here for you...

BL said...

Well I'm the eternal optimist though sad sometimes myself with the journey -- Don't Give Up! Do another IUI :) I'm sorry to hear about things and wish we lived closed enough to be wine buddies.

Jay said...

Finish the bottle and have your day. Tomorrow is a new day and you can have your recovery.
You will make the right decisions. ((((hug))))

PCOSMama said...

I'm so sorry your vacation had to end like this!

BTW, I agree with Laura and BL - my opinion is that it's better to do the IUIs back-to-back. I don't know why, but that's the way I feel. If you can manage it (financially and emotionally) I say go for it.

Enjoy your wine sweetie, with any luck it'll be one of your last glasses!

Melissa said...

Sunny,

My heart is hurting for you. I was so hopeful too. You will know the right thing to do at the right time. Praying for you. Hugs.

Melissa

Karaoke Diva said...

I'm so sorry about your BFN. Do give yourself time to cry it out and think about all the pros and cons.

On a side note: In the grand scheme of things, IUI is relatively inexpensive so if you are anxious to get started, that procedure will not break the bank as badly as other procedures. I've had 8 IUIs so far, so I speak from experience!

Curly Mommy said...

I'm still hoping and praying! Love you!

Hopeful Mother said...

I'm sorry, Sunny. I had a lot of hope for you guys too.

Sheryl said...

Oh Sunny, I'm so so sorry {{{HUGS}}}