Thursday, April 19, 2007

I Need a Pity Party

Eating and drinking has been fun the past 2 weeks. I am afraid to get on the scale. But I am enjoying being bad. HA!

I am so feeling left behind. I have been lapped over and over again. My years of trying are beginning to add up. I know that there are others who have been on this road WAY longer but right now it feels like eternity.

My marriage has changed. I can't even begin to figure this out. We don't get each other any more on the heart of the matter. We both just ignore it.

I am beginning to wonder if I want a child because I can't have one or because it is a true desire. I used to dream of a family. Now I dream of what seems like I can't have. My mind seems so twisted. I doubt my true intentions any more.

How easy would it be to just live my life the way it is now. It is so full. If I just say, "I give up. It is over." Would I be happy? Would others understand or would they look at me as a failure?

I feel myself pulling away from everything and everyone.

Any wisdom? I don't need lip service but serious wisdom.


dmarie said...

I'm new to your blog. I have moments when I wonder myself. What is this intense desire or need really about? Is it genuine? I honestly think the desire and need to be a mother is real. For me, what I think has happened is that the desire has turned into a sort of desperation that just continues to get worse. But at the core of it--I really do want a child. To be a mother. The desperation can make me feel like everything is out of control and as though I'm running around grasping for anything--just some bit of hope. And when I find it I can't let go. I have to push forward just to feel some semblance of control.

Have you and your husband thought about seeing a therapist?

I certainly have times when I want to give up, but somehow I don't. I can't--the desire is true. I stay in the fight.

Depression causes me to pull away from everything and everyone. I deal with it daily. So all I can say about that is you're not alone.

DD said...

You're introspective is wise. I find myself in very similar mental states when I'm feeling my lowest. Some feel it when they're in their best place. It's different for everyone.

If you decided to stop now, would you be happy? Probably. Would you always wonder what could have been? Probably.

You do have to come together as a couple though before any decision can be made. Maybe he's waiting for you while you are waiting for him. My thoughts are with you.

PCOSMama said...

I think it is just so easy to lose yourself in IF, like the intensity of the journey takes away from the reason you are on the journey in the first place.
I agree with DD - if you stop now, you will still find happiness. It will be a matter of adjusting and accepting things the way they are but eventually you will find your way to happiness.
I do also agree about the therapy - it couldn't hurt to try to bring a neutral person in to not only help deal with all the stress and emotions you yourself have but to help breach the wall between you and your husband. The road is rough enough as it is, and you should be traveling the road together, not walking down parallel streets hoping.
I know it's not wisdom, but it's all I've got. Good luck!

PCOSMama said...

Sorry, I had an incomplete thought in there - it should read that you shouldn't be walking down parallel streets hoping for an intersection, because it won't happen unless one or both of you takes a cross-street.
Weird analogy, I know, but my brain works that way. Sorry!

Patience said...

I'm all out of serious wisdom - but I'm an expert at pity parties and glad I can be here with you for yours.

I too am experiencing everything you've just said in this post....

Much love to you x

BL said...

Hi - first thanks for commenting on my blog earlier. I had to change urls but anyway back to you:

I found your post so where I am some days... I asked my own hubby the question, "Do you think my desire for a baby is solely because I want what I can't have?" He said he thought my desire had grown because of that.

I envy those that reach a final decision of giving up. AND are at peace with it. I think a therapist is a good start.... but probably even part of the whole process is searching yourself during this difficult time.

I hope this wasn't lip service - I know it's not wisdom :(

I want to have sex again just for sex and not the sperm.

GLouise said...

I could have probably written this post as well. I am not sure if I have any serious wisdom to offer, other than to remind you that you're not alone in this struggle.

Zee said...

I just found your blog. (Thanks for commenting on mine!) Unfortunately, I have no wisdom, although I can relate. What keeps me going on, apart from sheer pigheadedness, is the realization that not trying is harder emotionally than trying and failing. If we try and nothing happens, at least there was hope. If we stop, well, there's an end to it. And even though age and biology may put an end to it soon enough, I'm not ready to make that call on my own.