Thursday, April 12, 2007

The New Plan


Yep that's right, there is a plan. It isn't my plan. I don't like the plan. But it is the new plan. You want to hear it?

First, Grumps and I communicate about as well as two strangers. We used to not be this way but since we have taken the road of infertility it has just gotten bad. We talk but neither listen. We think what we each want and hope that the other will agree with that. But we never do.

Going into this last IUI I knew that he wanted to wait until I could switch insurances. I told him that I couldn't wait. I needed to press on. He was totally for that. In my mind that meant he would push forward with me if this one failed. He would do whatever to afford the IUIs. In his mind he was thinking THIS WILL WORK! I wasn't thinking that.

SO the IUI fails. He wants me to take a break because of my mono. Why risk money/IUI if my mono could cause an unknown problem. I needed my RE to tell me that. He agreed with Grumps. I was fine with that. If the doctor who wants my money thinks a month off would help then I am all for it. I tell Grumps this when he gets home. He says, "Good, we can't afford it anyways." NICE! I got upset, he apologizes.

This goes on and on. I will just get to the point. We are waiting until I can switch to my work insurance in October before moving forward with anything. YEP 6 months!

Grumps says, "This will be a nice break." WHATEVER!

He says, "What is the RUSH!" Yea, we have really been rushing.

I tried to explain my heart, how I was feeling. I gave up. He doesn't get it.

I say, "I was hoping we would be pregnant before our miscarriage due date."

I also say, "I wanted to be pregnant before D had her baby. To be pregnant together."

He says, "I don't harbor hard feelings towards her. I am not jealous. You should be happy. This is hard for her too." SO MISSING THE POINT!

I cried and cried and am still crying. He left the room. But we are going to see his family this summer on the other side of North America.

I totally get what he is thinking, but that isn't what I am feeling. Now I really want to quit. Totally want to quit all of this.

I know many of you are thinking, "Why can't they afford IUIs? They are cheap." Not with my clinic. Our last one was $1600. The next one will be $1400 and then down to $1300. So it isn't a drop in the bucket.

MAN I was doing so good trying to be better about things but now I am just PISSED!


snapshots said...

One part of me is boiling with anger on the inside over this whole situation and I just want to break something. The other part of me just wants to come over and give you a hug and say 'It will all be okay'. Another part of me just wants to know 'why'. And the only thing I know to do is to hold on to your hope for you right now. I know your heart is hurting from breaking and rebreaking into pieces every month and that you just want 'normal'...even to be able to remember what normal was like. I wish I could take your heart, crazy glue it together, box it up and send it to you in the mail and then everything would be fixed. I look above my computer screen and there's this verse written out on a piece of paper: "I don't know what to do, but my eyes are upon YOU!" 1 Chronicles 20:12 Hold onto that! I love you, my friend.

snapshots said...

Ooops I mean 2nd Chronicles...and it's a paraphrase.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry Sunny. I wish this was a journey with less detours.

Hang in there.

laura said...

He is absolutly missing the point. I feel for you ... Men really don't view things they way we do, and I guess on one level, we can't expect them to. Of course, he's not jealous... HE'S never going to be pregnant.

Is it possible he really is upset, and is just trying to gloss over it?

PCOSMama said...

I agree a little bit with Laura - men deal with these things differently than we do and it seems they will never understand just how deeply this affects us.
If there has to be a break, try to enjoy it. Maybe you can do something like start a small baby fund, just a few dollars a month so that when you can start the treatments again and have success you can buy something nice for the baby to celebrate.
Or you could always put the money towards wine during the break. That would help too.

I'm so sorry this had to happen. I was really hoping for you to have some wonderful news after your vacation! Hang in there.... I know it's rough.

hotlipz said...

What if you compromise and do it every other month?

DD said...

The man and the woman are rarely on the same mental page when it comes to infertility and treatments. I can't think of one couple where the man is the instigator for moving forward. It doesn't make it suck less, but sometimes we have to take a step back before leaping forward.

When my husband gets like this, I usually don't mention it for a month. That's a long time for a guy. Then when you bring it up, he won't feel as "crowded" as he does right not.

niobe said...

I completely agree with dd. Not only are (in general) men less interested in the prospect of pregnancy, but when you have to go through several rounds of infertility treatments, what they see is that the treatments (unless they're lucky enough to have them covered by insurance) are expensive and end up making the woman extremely upset.

Of course, it's not actually the treatments, but the fact that it didn't work and the worry in the back of your mind that it may never work that make you unhappy, but that isn't always what the husband sees.

So, for a lot of men, treatments = $$$ + unhappy wife. Therefore, the equation seems to suggest that, if you stop the treatments, things will improve. When they don't, everyone's upset.

Chris said...

Sunny, keep the faith, you will get through to the other side. The only nugget of wisdom I have to offer is to remember that you are still under the influence of fertility drugs, which can really impair your thinking and emotions.
Hold off on making any decisions or taking your emotions too seriously until everything is out of your system.
I spent the better part of a year on various doses of Clomid. After my second failed IUI (on 150 mg Clomid plus Repronex) I was a complete raving mad lunatic. My doctor advised a break to gain perspective. I went back 3 months later for another IUI (Follistim) and I actually felt like my old self, for which my hubby was grateful. The desperation and fear had left me, and was replaced by faith that God would handle things. Which, as you know, he did while we were on our way to IVF.
I understand the finances too. We spent $10,000 from June thru February on testing and 3 IUIs. Because the stakes are high you will really do yourself a favor if you wait until you are healthy physically and in a good place mentally. Make no room for fear. Keep the faith. Go with your heart.

BL said...

Why not just forgo protection and not stress w/charting and all that stuff (if you do that stuff) and maybe thinking you are on a partial break will be the trick. I don't know... I didn't know IUIs were so high either... I'm hoping for that surprise story of giving up and getting pregnant. Seems to work that way with people...

LJ said...

Yikes, sounds like a rough time. I agree with the others above that the guys view this differently and feel this differently than we do.

It's hard to have to carry the burden of the treatments and the worry. It's okay to be pissed and angry. It's okay to feel however you want to feel. Communicating that is the hard part...

The Town Criers said...

Sweetie, I'm sorry you have to wait. And I'm even sorrier that the reason for the wait is money. I can wrap my mind around physical reasons--the mono obviously does stand as a problem--but it's the financial reasons that get to me. It's so frustrating.

The Town Criers said...

But here is also a big shot of tequila for sipping.