Monday, December 31, 2007

See You in the New Year

I wrote my new year post yesterday but all day it sort of haunted me. I wasn't happy with it. My thoughts didn't really come out the way I wanted them. So scrap that post on onto another one.

2007 was really nothing great. It wasn't bad either. It was just there, hanging in space, the waiting year. I am sick of waiting. It was long ago I had a waiting year on Lupron. 2007 was the year of the insurance switch.

We had our first IUI. I am not a virgin any more. :)

Sick days with strep and mono.

My angel's due date came and broke my heart. I will never forget Grumps finding me naked in our bathtub without any water sobbing. What a dark day.

I enjoyed some wonderful times with my girls. Wineries, trips, haircut parties... Much was consumed.

Grumps and I went on a couple of fun trips. A long time ago we swore to live our childless life to the fullest until we are blessed with children.

2007 was 2007. I am looking forward to 2008. I am calling it the year of pro activity and closure. We will try our hardest this year to create life. The games begin this week! By the end of 2008 I hope there is closure. We will even be blessed with life or moving on. I cannot keep this journey up much longer.

Now enough about me. I have a job for you, especially if you are bored today waiting to party like a rockstar later tonight. Go to my sidebar to my Posts that Hit Home. Read through these amazing posts from amazing bloggers. Lets remember what made this year so great. Bloggers, the IF community. It has grown. It has tightened, thanks to Mel and the rest of you. Go and read what moved me. (Maybe I should list them in a post. Let's see how bored I get today.)

GOOD BYE 2007!

HELLO 2008!!!!

Sunday, December 30, 2007

The 2007 Burning

This year we received many Christmas cards. Many newsletters were included with them. Many were the cute family picture/kids looking at a holiday book kind. We have done those. We even did one of our dog one year. We have included newsletters. In fact our last one I explained to the world why we didn't have children. Since our miscarriage we stopped the little tradition.

Now when I get one of those cards/letters/pictures all I can think about is "We would have sent one out as a family with a little one this year." So they sting. The remind me of what we don't have. I am not offended by them. I know they aren't sent out to hurt us. It just happens. Every time Grumps would come back from the mailbox he would say in a very blah voice, "We have another Christmas card." I would open them, go through it, then set it in the pile for burning.

Yep you got it. I had planned to burn all Christmas cards while enjoying a nice bottle of wine. Grumps thought it wasn't very nice. I thought it was therapeutic and very funny. I had even invited my DC blogger chicks to join if they wanted to. But since the holidays were polite to me and treated me pretty kindly I don't feel the need for the burning anymore. My thoughts could change in the next week or two but I am pretty sure that little pile of cards/newsletters/pictures will just go in a drawer or the trash. I used to put all the pictures on my fridge. I can't do that anymore. It isn't because I don't love my friends with families, it is just an ugly reminder that I don't have a little one adding artwork to my fridge. I hope my amazing friends understand.

So no 2007 Burning this year. Man, it would have been fun!

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Silence is Not an Option: How to respond to uncomfortable questions

Very rarely do I get asked dumb questions. It seems most of the world knows about us and our problems and whatever. I do get asked the occasional 'Are you pregnant' only because I work with some simple people. They believe the water at work will get you pregnant like everyone else.

Over the holiday my dad had a long time friend stop by my house. We all chatted. Nothing major just random talk. My dad went down memory lane with him a few times. Then he turned to me, my dad's friend. Just without thinking he asked a very simple question. He asked, "Sunny, when are you going to have a little girl running around your house?" I wasn't shocked. I really wasn't even offended. He didn't know. I can't blame him for his stupid question. But I could get irritated at everyone else in the room.

The room fell silent. I think everyone was afraid I would fall apart or freak out. They don't know me very well then. I calming replied, "We are waiting for God to give us a miracle. We have been waiting for awhile. It definitely isn't because we haven't tried." My answer is my rehearsed answer. I have practiced. I have used it before. But what I wanted in return was, "wow" or "I'm sorry." OR nothing from the man who had no idea what a simple question would bring in return BUT something from my family. Like, "Yep they have been trying for a long time. We are praying for a miracle with them." SOMETHING! But silence remained from the crowd. I don't remember how the subject was changed because I was so shocked by the nothingness. But it is my family. Support isn't something they give when it is a problem God is supposed to fix.

Onto the infertility bracelet. Grumps and I started wearing our bracelets a couple of months ago. Nothing really has been said or asked about it. Grumps did have a buddy wonder what it was. Of course Grumps explained. His buddy was like, "cool". I was very proud of my man for not shrugging it off. I wish I had an experience like that. Instead I get ones like these.

On our family cruise many of us were sitting around doing nothing. One of our family friends asks me, "Sunny what is that bracelet for?" Silence hit the group. All eyes go to me. I take a deep breath and begin to explain the meaning of it. When I finished I expected a "cool" or "wow" but got silence. Nothing. Just silence. I felt sick for sharing.

My dad finally asked this week why did we wear the bracelet. He hadn't been with the silent crowd on the cruise. My dad thought it was to remember something. Grumps stumbles through his response so I step in. I explain, blah blah blah. Guess what the reaction was from my dad? YEP SILENCE! Awkward silence.

I know IF makes many feel uncomfortable. It makes me feel MANY not so great feelings. But I wish people would stop and think before being idiots. Yes, I understand they are at a loss for words. I understand it makes them feel uncomfortable. IF isn't about them.

Here are some very simple response to IF or whatever makes you feel uncomfortable.
I'm sorry
Let me know if you need anything
I never knew
Tell me more

Silence should never be an option. Be polite. Be considerate. Maybe we need an IF etiquette book for the world. We could title it, Silence is not an option.

Friday, December 28, 2007

I Made It!!!

I made it through the holidays! The family packed up and left at 5am. I am finally home alone for the first time in a week. I LOVE BEING ALONE!

I have plans with a friend today. Drinks will be involved. 5 more days of break left. I plan to just truly relax and enjoy. I made some phone calls that needed to be made weeks ago. I HATE PHONES! My to do list is very short!

2008 HERE I COME!!!

I have a bunch of posts mulling around in my head. More to come soon!

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Numb and My Exploding Brain.

Being on this journey and being on it for so long has done one thing to me. It has made me numb. The pain is still there at times but I can quickly hide it, throw it out or ignore it.

Either hearing news of more bellies or news of angels lost, I feel the same. Or more like I don't feel anything at all. Touching pregnant bellies is like patting a dog. Please don't think I am calling those mamas dogs but I used to cringe at the thought of touching a pregnant belly. I actually couldn't even look at them. Now I just do it. No feelings.

Is it good to be numb? Is it healthy? Does it mean I am growing or ignoring?

I never have a hard time putting my thoughts out there but I have written one sentence after another and nothing else seems to sound right. So lets tick off my thoughts...

*The holidays make it hard to keep the feelings away.
*Hearing the pregnant talk more and more is HARD!
*My thoughts sure can be ugly and dark. I just need to keep the thoughts in my head.
*My insides HURT when I ovulate now. Not just hurt but HURT! I wish I felt nothing.
*I will either get pregnant in 2008 or move on to...
*I need to get my body back on track to the healthy side. Instead I just want to let it all go.
*The fear of being the last one standing haunts me. I am the last one on both boards I am apart of. It isn't fun. It sometimes feels like the last person picked for the team. I hope this doesn't happen in my real life. If it does I will have to dig deep.
*Do people look at me with pity?
*What if I get what I want and hate it? What a scary thought.
*I guess I am stressed. My mouth hurts and so does my head from clinching my teeth all night.
*I would love to wake up feeling rested.

I guess I am really not so numb. I just hide it well.

Oh I had a freaky dream last night. I had a little girl. I don't dream dreams like that. It has haunted me all day.

What a blah post!

Friday, December 07, 2007

Here We GO!!!

As of December 1st my insurance kicked in. Today I actually got my card in the mail. I was SO HAPPY! Usually I hate mail like that but not my pretty new insurance card. I am in love!

I also made my consult appointment. You won't believe how quick I got in. I called Monday and was in Wednesday. YEP! I was over the moon. The consult was fine. D went with me replacing Grumps. I need an extra pair of ears sometimes. Too many appointments alone, too many overwhelmed moments. My doc was so funny about her being there. He gave her eye contact and even asked if she "Grumps" had any questions.

I was a little disappointed. Going into the consult I was on day 1. I was hoping to squeeze in an IUI this month. With out enough time for my insurance to consent, it was a no go. Cool, fine, if I have waited this long I can wait one more month. He did want to do day 3 bloodwork and u/s. No waiting here, I booked it for today.

SO I was SO excited about starting my Friday/weekend off with a nice wanding! I prepared myself this morning. I felt I should give the tech the pleasure of shaved legs. I have turned to winter mode and decided to just not shave until I have too. Then my thoughts went to one of the DC bloggers conversations from last weekend. We talked about all we do for our u/s. I talked about making sure my 'girl' was taken care of. Everyone thought that wasn't necessary. They said the tech never looks. Well why waste that time on no eyes. So I didn't groom her like I usually do. (I know, too much info but there is a reason for it.)

As I am waiting to start my Friday, sitting in the waiting room, texting work, I see my doctor. I think he was surprised to see my face so soon. I didn't want to wait until next month and they find something wrong. OK this story is getting out of control long. Moving along. I go disrobe from the waist down when in walks my doc. My first thoughts, MY GIRL ISN'T PREPARED! He has never seen my girl. He just talks to me and gives me wisdom. I am hoping he is just going to watch.

NOPE! He makes small talk about how nice it is to see me so soon. He asked where my friend was and why she didn't come with me. THEN he moves in. He lifts the paper and LOOKS AT MY GIRL! I am freaking out. I know he has seen it all. I understand it isn't a big deal but it really is for me. THEN he continues to stare as he puts the wand in. I felt like it was an eternity with his eyes checking out my jewel. Then he starts to tell a joke. The man is always serious. Not this morning, he wants to chat it up with me while I am being wanded!

I know, stupid post but my mind can't leave it. He saw my girl not very pretty this morning. We connected over a joke. He warned me there would be pressure. I am not a virgin in any way shape or form. I think we are now in love. HA!

Maybe I will be wanded next month on day 3. I will make sure my girl is looking pretty.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Tis the Season

The Holidays are here again. I feel like they snuck up on me. I know, it sounds crazy. Christmas begins to show its face around October but I really don't pay it much attention. After the cruise it hit me how close it is.

Last year I skipped it. At least I tried too. For my family I put on a mask but if you looked close you could see how fake it was. I couldn't bare to celebrate a holiday where so much hadn't come true for me. This year will be different.

I am in a different place. I plan to have a tree. We are going to buy it tomorrow. I plan to listen to the music when it comes on the radio. I HAVE said, "Happy Holidays!" Last year I should have said, "Bahumbug!" This year will be different but it still won't be what I want it to be.

I am working hard to keep my head up and my thoughts positive. There have been times I feel the blues sneaking in. I lose my breath when a Christmas song comes on. I want to sing along but it still hurts. Even as I speak I am doing some baking for the DC Bloggers cookie exchange. I was torn. Do I play Christmas music, The Carpenters to be exact, as I bake? The thought FREAKED me out so My Top Rated playlist is blaring.

I got the first Christmas card today. It was from people who are really in our lives any more. Of course it was a family picture full of smiles. Last year I would have cried. This year I laughed. I mocked the picture. I made fun of the kids smiles. I even left it out for Grumps to make fun of too. I might do this with every card that enters my house. There will be no cards mailed out from mine. That is something I just can't do.

I am making baby steps. I will make it through this season with a heart full of blessings. I am sure there will be some tears too.


Oh guess what? No IUI for me this month. Yes at least my new insurance kicks in today. BUT my RE wants a consult before we move forward. Just call me MRS. WAIT!