My Big Ones

Oh it is so much fun being a teacher. Today a mom of a previous student stared me down on my way into the lunch room. I knew what she was thinking. "Is she pregnant?" We waved and I quickly moved on. This is the lady who gave me a fertility book saying it would bring me good luck.

During the class bathroom break she hunted me down. You won't believe what came out of her mouth. It really makes me laugh just thinking about it. She moved in really close and said, "MAN your BOOBS are HUGE! Is there something you want to tell me?" I am surrounded by little 7 year olds. I want to laugh my head off. Instead I say, "It's the hormones. We are still trying." My favorite response EVER comes next. "I have a flutter and goosebumps. It is going to happen. I feel it." She then kisses me on the cheek and whispers how she will pray.

I LOVE how all big things in life happen because of a flutter and goosebumps. I must have missed that a long time ago. HAHAHAHHA!

No She Didn't

Last night I went out with the girls to see the opening of Sex and the City. I LOVE the show! We had cosmos and laughs before it all began. I even brought cosmos into the movies via my purse to really get in the mood.

The movie was going great. Tears, laughs, applause! All you could expect and hope for. Then it happened.

We all know Charlotte is part of our infertility community. She longed for a family. Well she finally adopted a beautiful little girl and is very content. As the movie begins to wrap up guess what she announces? YEP, she's pregnant! I was happy for her but then I felt it coming. The words an IF NEVER wants to hear EVER spoken aloud!

"I'm pregnant. I guess if you relax and adopt like they say, you will finally get pregnant on your own!" I am not sure if these are the exact words but they are what I remember.

Guess what I did? You won't believe it! I first gasped! You could feel the row of my girls do the same thing. Then I stood up, gave an ugly hand gesture and called her a 'not so nice' word very loudly. I am blaming it all on the cosmos! Then I sat myself back down and cried. I just couldn't believe they had to add that line into the movie.

I am glad the end of the movie made up for the big NO SHE DIDN'T! The movie is worth it if you are a fan BUT be warned the sentence is spoken and it will cause you to do not very nice things!

Stupid People

We all here stupid advice ALL the time. Remember my boss and her advice to surround myself with the pregos and let their hormones consume me? Well she came back with more advice!

I explained about my upcoming IUI, blah blah blah, to her during my midyear evaluation. You won't believe her advice! A little back ground knowledge, her step daughter has gone through IVF a few times. Now she thinks she understands my pain.

Here we go with the advice!

*Sunny, just think of IUIs like girls who get pregnant on their first try. The only girls who get pregnant on their first try are young teenagers in the back of cars. No one gets pregnant with IUIs. It is just a stepping stone for you. IVF will do the trick. Pay your dues and time and then move onto the real money maker.

What the heck? That is advice and encouragement? I think it is more like the mark of a STUPID PERSON!

Onto the best advice EVER in my life!

I went in for a massage a few weeks ago. I was STRESSED out about everything. I needed relief. When the lady asked why I was there I explained about my stress. She begins to give me advice.

*My niece (I am think her niece had trouble with IF and I am going to hear how she did this and that and now she has a kid.) is pregnant. She lives in Hawaii (pronounced more like Hawaikkeekee). You should go visit Hawaii. When you are there you will see many pregnant bellies near the ocean taking in the beauty of the earth. You will also see dolphins swimming through the ocean showing off their little ones that were just born. The vibes and wholeness of it all will transcend into you and create life. Just go to Hawaii and surround yourself.

I thought I was going to either throw up right there at her feet or laugh my head off. Instead I nodded my head and went inside to my happy peaceful place!

Any good STUPID PEOPLE advice lately?

Silence is Not an Option: How to respond to uncomfortable questions

Very rarely do I get asked dumb questions. It seems most of the world knows about us and our problems and whatever. I do get asked the occasional 'Are you pregnant' only because I work with some simple people. They believe the water at work will get you pregnant like everyone else.

Over the holiday my dad had a long time friend stop by my house. We all chatted. Nothing major just random talk. My dad went down memory lane with him a few times. Then he turned to me, my dad's friend. Just without thinking he asked a very simple question. He asked, "Sunny, when are you going to have a little girl running around your house?" I wasn't shocked. I really wasn't even offended. He didn't know. I can't blame him for his stupid question. But I could get irritated at everyone else in the room.

The room fell silent. I think everyone was afraid I would fall apart or freak out. They don't know me very well then. I calming replied, "We are waiting for God to give us a miracle. We have been waiting for awhile. It definitely isn't because we haven't tried." My answer is my rehearsed answer. I have practiced. I have used it before. But what I wanted in return was, "wow" or "I'm sorry." OR nothing from the man who had no idea what a simple question would bring in return BUT something from my family. Like, "Yep they have been trying for a long time. We are praying for a miracle with them." SOMETHING! But silence remained from the crowd. I don't remember how the subject was changed because I was so shocked by the nothingness. But it is my family. Support isn't something they give when it is a problem God is supposed to fix.

Onto the infertility bracelet. Grumps and I started wearing our bracelets a couple of months ago. Nothing really has been said or asked about it. Grumps did have a buddy wonder what it was. Of course Grumps explained. His buddy was like, "cool". I was very proud of my man for not shrugging it off. I wish I had an experience like that. Instead I get ones like these.

On our family cruise many of us were sitting around doing nothing. One of our family friends asks me, "Sunny what is that bracelet for?" Silence hit the group. All eyes go to me. I take a deep breath and begin to explain the meaning of it. When I finished I expected a "cool" or "wow" but got silence. Nothing. Just silence. I felt sick for sharing.

My dad finally asked this week why did we wear the bracelet. He hadn't been with the silent crowd on the cruise. My dad thought it was to remember something. Grumps stumbles through his response so I step in. I explain, blah blah blah. Guess what the reaction was from my dad? YEP SILENCE! Awkward silence.

I know IF makes many feel uncomfortable. It makes me feel MANY not so great feelings. But I wish people would stop and think before being idiots. Yes, I understand they are at a loss for words. I understand it makes them feel uncomfortable. IF isn't about them.

Here are some very simple response to IF or whatever makes you feel uncomfortable.
WOW
I'm sorry
Cool
Let me know if you need anything
Interesting
I never knew
Tell me more

Silence should never be an option. Be polite. Be considerate. Maybe we need an IF etiquette book for the world. We could title it, Silence is not an option.

Over the Edge

I have no clue what my title means. I guess I am just over it all. Mainly the waiting. I will get to more on the waiting in a minute.

I had my self-evaluation at work last week. Every 2 years I am on the observation cycle. I HATE IT! My boss comes and goes watching me teach. She checks my records. I show her all my great stuff and how I keep up with parents, blah blah blah. Really it is just STRESS!

During my meeting she asked for my goals for the year. I made some crap up. She asked if I had a personal goal. Yep, to just make it through the year. I then spilled my guts and told her my story. Not all of it but the nutshell version with limited tears. Before I got into it she drops her grandbaby's picture in my hands. I am like, "OH MY GOD please stop." Well it is an IVF baby. She tried to connect. I thought WOW I have a boss who totally will get me.

Here comes her advice. First, she is putting me on her baby list. The list of women she wants to get pregnant for the year. I would like to know what she will do about all of this. Then she tells me to surround myself with all the pregnant women. To let their hormones surround me. To soak them in. To let them heal me.

WHAT THE CRAP! Who tells an IF to surround herself with pregnant women? I believe that is more like suicide. I smiled, tried not to roll my eyes, and laughed. At least my new boss knows where I am if any more crap hits the fan.

Now onto what really pushed me over the edge. You know the, "We are changing our insurance in October. I will do my next IUI in December?" Well let's move that change to next month. I know, it is only one month but it pushes my IUI to January unless my cycle falls perfectly in December. I have spent more time waiting than doing anything productive. I am just plain TIRED! Yes I know I just talked about "My time is in Your hands." Seriously what more can I do in this wait? UGH!

I guess on the bright side, I get one more extra month of drinking.

Yep I have been on a posting craze. Sorry for so many posts. It is my way of dealing.

Out of the Mouths of Second Graders

It's that time of year. The time where my class begins to ask questions about my family. Every year questions are asked. Every year it gets easier to answer them, but it still stings.

Class: Do you have any children?

Me: Nope, I have you guys. That is enough.

Class: Why don't you have any children?

Me: We are waiting for God to give them to us. (Yes I used God in a public school but seriously, parents should teach their children not to ask such questions.)

Class: I know how to make children. You only need to plant a seed. Have you planted the seed?

Me: Okay enough of this!

Class: Maybe one day you will come to school with a big belly. Maybe we will see you next year with a HUGE belly.

Me: Speechless, holding back the tears. Hoping they are little prophets and can tell the future.

Class: My mom has 4 kids. She says it is too many. I know someone who has 6 kids......

Me: Seriously guys, we need to move on. Can someone tell me what are our life needs again?

SHOOT ME IN THE FOOT! I am sure more questions will come since there are 5 pregnant women at my school. I am sure more will show up later on during the year. I am also positive a kid will say, "Why does so and so have a big belly and you don't?"

I love kids but sometimes their words really hurt.

Welcome Back to School

Going back to school has been a killer. MAN it makes me tired just thinking about it! This morning I swore it was Friday when I woke up. I was so excited. WHAT THE HECK! It is only Monday.

My kids are sweet. I have some crazy little boogers but they were for sure hand picked for me.

Well I over heard a little conversation today. It sort of broke my heart. One little girl tells another little girl, "My sister got married." The other girl said, "What happens after you get married?" The reply was, "You have babies." I wish it was that easy for everyone.

I love my team. Of course there are some characters that can drive you crazy. But then there are the gems. On of my close teammates is pregnant. I LOVE HER because truly you would never know. She NEVER complains. She constantly is sensitive to my feelings. On the other hand there is a girl pregnant on another team. She had a miscarriage last year. She became obsessed with getting pregnant again. She was blessed with a quick pregnancy this summer. She isn't super far along BUT you would think she was 40 weeks pregnant by the way she acts. Today she pushed herself off the chair as if she had a 10 lb baby inside. GAG ME!!!! Thank God she isn't on my team.

My final story.... This is the killer. I told Grumps and he about died. He said next time I should burst into a hysterical crying fit. A mom and her girls were coming to visit her former teachers this afternoon. I have only briefly spoken to her before.

Well she asks me the horrid question through 'sign language.' "Are you..." making a pregnant belly. I paused thinking, "You are STUPID! Who asks that when you don't know me from Adam." I replied with, "Nope!" Usually it stops there. But she has to dig the knife in deeper. She goes on to say, "Really? Everyone is pregnant around here. I thought you would be too."

Ummmm I wanted to spit on her. Of course I smiled while shaking my head and said, "We are waiting for God to give us a miracle. We have been trying for a long time." While I am saying this she keeps walking and says, "Wow, Really?" It ends there. I was SPEECHLESS!!!

When will people learn? Did I look pregnant? Was someone spreading rumors? Did they get me confused with someone else? I am sure it will be all over the neighborhood now. It had started last year when a mom came to see me after 'hearing a rumor.' She wanted me to have her fertility book hoping it would help me. After so many years books don't work but I took it anyway. She said it was a good luck charm. Whatever!

Welcome back to school to me!!!!

Change of Subject

Why do I try to share my heart or whatever with my mom? WHY! I know what will happen EVERY TIME! The funny thing I really wasn't even truly sharing my heart.

She called to check in on my tonight. Grumps is out of town. My dad is out of town. So we talk for a long time. We talk about everything. I start talking about my mother in law. I move on to talking about how infertility can be like a rollercoaster. She listens to me for maybe a minute when there is an abrupt change of subject.

It goes something like this:

Me: You know I told my MIL how infertility is like a rollercoaster. You have really good days and then one word is said and BAMB a bad day. Of course my MIL says it is hormones.

My Mom: Let me tell you something that happened the other day....

Not even a WOW or AW or I'm sorry but

CHANGE OF SUBJECT COMPLETELY!

Why can't she just realize I HAVE A PROBLEM? Does she think it isn't there? Does she really think if we don't talk about it God will just fix it? Does she still believe it is all my fault? My faith still isn't big enough, strong, enough, or even there!

I would give my right foot for my mom to be different sometimes. Yes, she sends me cards saying, I love you, all the time. BUT changes the subject on a dime. If only she knew how ugly my life can get.

Don't get me wrong, I love her. BUT I need to learn to keep my stupid infertility thoughts to myself. Remind me not to tell her when we start up our IUIs again.