Repeated Track

Just like Mel I have been quiet lately. My heart is heavy. Feeling blue.

Over a year ago I had something on a repeated track. You know what I mean? When the song won't leave your head. It just repeats. Not even the whole song but just the one line. You try to remove it with another song but it finds its way back into your head, your dreams, your day. My repeated track was March 21, my little angel's due date. The date would scream to me every day. Every second. March 21, March 21, March 21.... The more I heard it, the sadder I got. My heart felt like a boulder. I couldn't breathe.

Once March 21 came and went the track stopped. Finally peace in my head. Yet the track has seemed to be replaced with something else, the world childless. I hear it a million times a day. It doesn't leave. There isn't peace from it. It makes me sad. I feel hopeless. I am just going through the motions until that word becomes the soundtrack of our lives instead of the repeated track.

Here is one ray of sunlight... I know longer feel sick with envy or bitter with the news from others. It is just a fact, while my childless track continues to repeat.

OUT OF HERE

Grumps and I are heading out tomorrow morning for a much needed trip. He has been planning it for weeks. He told me quietly one night, "This trip is meant to help us forget about children." He truly is priceless.

We are driving up the east coast for the next week and 1/2. Our first stop is NY!!! Then off to Boston to get smart. Grumps is a history freak. Next will be Maine at a cozy inn (I think, he is keeping secrets). On our way home we will stop in Connecticut for dinner with friends. Finally we will end the drive at Atlantic City to meet up with friends for 2 days of fun. During all the driving I plan to read many books and take lots of naps.

When we come back, Lupron will start and we will get this show on the road.

I am bringing my laptop hoping for free internet at our hotels. If not, see you on the other side!

When Your Up, Your Up

But when you are down, you are really low...

Fine, I'm Okay... No really, I'm doing good...

I have am the master at being okay and fine. I put the smile on my face. I might even laugh or clap. Sometimes I make a joke or take a swig but I am the master. Lately I truly have been okay. Not great or fantastic but just okay. Numb to it all. Tired as usual. I never seem to be able to get a break. When I think I have it good, all is going well, I am kicked pretty low.

Today brought it all into perspective. Meaning, I just got kicked.

Some of our closest friends sent us a text last night. Baby boy was born. Last week from another set, baby girl was born. Through an email from my MIL, two of Grumps' cousins are having babies due in the fall. FALL IS REALLY SOON. I am happy for them but why are we just hearing about it now. In the mail, a birth announcement. THANK GOD for the friends who sent a card because of our sucky canceled transfer. It helped cancel the yuck out except they were the friends who just had the baby last week.

The hormones are trying really hard to leave my body but in the process they are leaving me feeling really crappy. I know, everyone is on hormones in the blog world but they really screw me up. I have gone up 2 sizes in the past 3 or so months. WHO DOES THAT? It is like my body feeds on estrogen. It can't get enough. If I had something to show for the gain I would be okay with it. Instead I just have me wearing a bigger size trying not to eat bad food when I am depressed.

My marriage is really struggling. Fights like we have never had. Looks, silence, nothing. I watched Grumps stand on the deck today just looking out thinking. I am sure he was thinking my sad thoughts. He even said he was trying to make our vacation as childless as possible. He doesn't want me to think about children. I hugged him in my little mind for that. Of course the armor came on and I said, "I am fine."

Yep I am on a sick roller coaster. UP then DOWN. It just repeats itself. My poor blog gets hit with it all. To be normal would be wonderful.

Yesterday I got calls saying I had maxed out on my insurance for covering F drugs. THANK YOU fairy god mother for helping me out. Grumps almost lost it. I just don't think we can take much more. It will only be a couple of weeks and thoughts of our little angel will really set in. We will have lost her 2 years ago. 2 YEARS AGO!!!!!!

I am sure if you ask me how I am doing tomorrow I will say, "Fine." "Great." or even "Okay." But today, tonight I am really low.

Cheers from my very yummy bottle of wine to all who know what low feels like.

A Quick Thought

While I am at it I might as well add a quick IF thought.

Being back in a small town I forgot how there really isn't ANYTHING to do but get married, have babies and eat.

Everywhere I turn people WAY younger than me are telling me about their families and asking me about mine. All are shocked when I say I don't have children but am waiting on my miracle. Of course some even say I can have theirs. I laugh and decline.

Well today I was given advice by a very young couple who only slightly dealt with IF. They haven't been trying long but did go through an early miscarriage. BUT they are now pregnant again. Here's the advice... I was eating brownie batter and she said, "You know, you shouldn't be eating that if you are pregnant." HA! Is what I said. She said, "But what if you are pregnant. You just never know." Oh so true but it truly would be a miracle if I was pregnant. I haven't been with my husband in biblical terms in a month. PLUS I am so not young in this trying business. I quit believing those small things would cause a problem. If I truly did I would have a very sad life since I have been on this ride for the past 5 years.

I am not sure if this made sense at all. But seriously, if I hear or see another young pregnant woman OR an 'old friend' who I could careless seeing tell me about their family and why I don't have my own I might hurt someone.

Anyone else used to live in a small town and then went back to visit after turning into an IF? Isn't it hardly bearable?

Just Shoot Me!

Man I hate how long I have left you all hanging. Like you wait for every update! I have been so busy with work, shots in the belly, monitoring, and SICK that blogging has been on the back burner. Actually, I have wanted to blog so bad but by the time I get into bed with my laptop (Oh so romantic) all I want to do is check my email and watch tv.

Today was one of my worst days teaching in a good chunk of time. I have sent 2 kids to the office in the past 2 days. That is more than my entire 9 years of teaching. I am at a loss for the behavior in my classroom. Of course the mom of one of the kids thinks I suck so she wants a conference with the assistant principal, counselor and me. Thank God I have kept at least the counselor involved in all of this. I wish I could go into more detail but it all just SUCKS being me right now.

Of course my IUI is next week along with the 100th day of school, staff meeting, 2 conferences, GT crap (wanting to use a much harsher word), and stupid Valentines day. I am sure there is something else mixed in with all of that. Oh maybe it is Grumps working Vday evening due to the 'timing' of our IUI.

Well being a teacher is a joy, can't you tell? Seriously if you want my job IT IS YOURS! On top of the behavior issues I get a conversation of THIS at least once a week. Enjoy!

*Mrs. Grumps are you going to lay a baby? (yep you heard me, lay a baby! There are 10 pregos at work. My kids are obsessed!)

*I laugh and say, NOPE, no laying a baby here!

*Then my obnoxious kid asks how long I have been married.

*10 years.

*He replies with, "MY GOSH you should have had a baby by now. What is the problem? When are you going to have a baby?!

*My reply, after dealing with parents and sending kids to the office, "When God gives me my miralce." (I don't care if I say 'God' in a public school. In fact one of the kids was like, "Oh my gosh she said 'god!' Oooooooo)

*Then one girl, who I was going to say was sweet but in fact is a brat said, "Guys, even if God doesn't give her a baby, at least she has Itsy to love her. She is like her child."

My friend is listening to all of this flabbergasted. Her heart is broken and just doesn't know what to say. All I can do is laugh at the sweetness of children. The world is not only NOT seen in race but also not in IF terms with children!

I haven't forgotten about my stupid people post! It will come!

Sorry if this doesn't make any sense. I have enjoyed my night being PISSED in my beer with my good friend and Grumps! Fat food and drinks RULE!

Beer and Wings

When your husband finally understands what it feels like to be the last one standing, beer and wings is the only way to comfort.

My best friend and 9 co-workers are pregnant. We all know there are more to come. I am getting pretty good at just dealing with it all. Grumps has never really had it hit home. Guys at work are very jealous of his life. They would love to be free and do and go and whatever like Grumps. One guy he works with is 24 with 4 kids. It hurts but he doesn't really know him.

Last night he got his first real phone call announcement. I had been waiting for that call. It stung a bit. But today when he went to work his other really good friend told him they were expecting at the same time. I was also waiting for this too. The wives had told me they were trying. It was only a matter of time.

Grumps told me today he couldn't talk to his buddy for a good 2 hours. It just hurt too much. He wanted to feel happy for them. He knew they should be having a family. But he felt so left out and alone. I hate that he is hurting, but he finally completely understands.

So beer and wings was our night. LOVE IT! Also this year will be a year of birth or big spending, from the mouth of Grumps.

Hugs to my big strong man!

The 2007 Burning

This year we received many Christmas cards. Many newsletters were included with them. Many were the cute family picture/kids looking at a holiday book kind. We have done those. We even did one of our dog one year. We have included newsletters. In fact our last one I explained to the world why we didn't have children. Since our miscarriage we stopped the little tradition.

Now when I get one of those cards/letters/pictures all I can think about is "We would have sent one out as a family with a little one this year." So they sting. The remind me of what we don't have. I am not offended by them. I know they aren't sent out to hurt us. It just happens. Every time Grumps would come back from the mailbox he would say in a very blah voice, "We have another Christmas card." I would open them, go through it, then set it in the pile for burning.

Yep you got it. I had planned to burn all Christmas cards while enjoying a nice bottle of wine. Grumps thought it wasn't very nice. I thought it was therapeutic and very funny. I had even invited my DC blogger chicks to join if they wanted to. But since the holidays were polite to me and treated me pretty kindly I don't feel the need for the burning anymore. My thoughts could change in the next week or two but I am pretty sure that little pile of cards/newsletters/pictures will just go in a drawer or the trash. I used to put all the pictures on my fridge. I can't do that anymore. It isn't because I don't love my friends with families, it is just an ugly reminder that I don't have a little one adding artwork to my fridge. I hope my amazing friends understand.

So no 2007 Burning this year. Man, it would have been fun!

Not Part of the Club

I couldn't believe my ears on Tuesday. My friend, also pregnant, rushed into the copy room to tell me the news. Another girl at work is pregnant. That would make 8. I asked questions, how far, natural, due date. She rushed off the answers. I was generally happy for the girl. She had been trying for a while. But it still hurt to know I was left behind again and surrounded by 8 bellies!

I took a moment to breathe when the girl strolls into the work room, right up to my friend. The words that came out of her mouth cut like a knife.

I am now part of the club!

My mouth dropped. I tried to smile at her and say "congrats". I am not sure what I actually looked like or said. I am sure the plastered smile on my face looked more like a smile of someone about to vomit.

Then the pictures cropped down before my friend. 8 week pictures. 8 weeks stings for me. I lost my angel to heaven at 8 weeks. My friend was nice, asked questions and moved her along. I stapled papers in silence trying desperately not to cry.

Once the new club member was gone my friend grabbed me and repeated how sorry she was over and over.

I am not part of the club! I can't get those words out of my head. I don't belong with those girls, the 8 girls.

Last night I went to the Casting Crowns concert. The first guy talked about his family and praying for his kids and blessing them. Of course I wasn't part of that club either. As the night went on and was about to end the band members prayed for the crowd. One prayed for the young men. Another prayed for marriages. It got to the young girl and I thought, she is going to pray for the club members. Yep she did, but not the belly/kid kind but the IF/childless kind. She too is struggling and has lost an angel. Tears streamed down my face as I finally didn't feel left out. I knew one of their recent songs had a line about a wife longing for a family. I didn't realize why.

I am better at the end of the week. I am better with my non-membership. I know, my time is coming, according to the rest of the world. I am not sure I like hearing those words. I know they are trying to be helpful but a pat on the arm or a squeeze is enough for me. Maybe I can fake being part of the club and just get fat!

Hit Me Baby One More Time!

I thought it couldn't get any worse. NOPE I was wrong. My sister in law is pregnant with her second. Yep, my nephew just turned one. My brother is 4 years younger. They will have their family completed by the time they are 30. I am happy for them but whatever for me.

My mom actually is the one who gave me the heads up. I was shocked. She actually called to freak out about it. She just can't believe they would want children that close together. I told her I was expecting it. She told me to act surprised when they tell me.

Grumps comment was, "Wow they sure don't have a problem getting pregnant."

Nope they don't. I didn't freak out. I did cry all throughout Brothers and Sisters. It helped.

Of course my selfish comment to Grumps was, "Why couldn't they have just waited a little bit?" HA!

Maybe my mom will get pregnant next. She would at least give me her baby!

Open Enrollment

Updated!

I love being in my 30's but right now in my life I think 20's might be better.

I am at the age where either everyone already has children or they are just beginning to try. There was a time where I was surrounded by newly married couples who didn't even think about children in the near future. Now I am surrounded by couples with children, preggos or those trying.

I am beginning to think we are the only couple in our circle of friends left being childless. I love my friends. They are SO good to me but I think I need to make it open season for new friend applicants. HA! For my real life friends, they know I joke about having too many friends. Too many to the point I joked about not taking applicants.

We are going out with friends today to a winery. I was so excited about it until Grumps told me his friend's wife might not drink because they are trying. She might even be pregnant. I swear to God I am surrounded!

If you are childless and would like to make new friends it is open season and I am taking applicants!

Oh it looks like we might be able to switch insurances this month after all. Fingers crossed! Hoping for December IUI!

Update!!!
We had a great time yesterday. She isn't pregnant. She drank just as much as I did. The 4 of us went through 4 bottles of wine. I am not sure how long she has been trying but I can tell she is disappointed that it hasn't happened yet. Thank God for a good day out.

Please Remember Me

There have been many times, even recently, I have felt forgotten by God. I watch many people receive their joy and their answer to prayer and yet I am left with the same pleading prayer. I have walked with God for a very long time. I have seen Him do many amazing miracles. My faith has grown but then it wavers when my miracle doesn't happen.

The other night I read a chapter in a book I have been reading. It was the prayer of Hannah. I have read Hannah's story many times. She longs for a child. Her husband's other wife has been granted this desire. Hannah is left in shame not able to give her husband what she should be able to do. What she was made to do. She prays a prayer. She prays for God to remember her. She is left feeling alone and forgotten. I understand Hannah's heart and prayer.

In this search to be remembered by God, He gave me a verse. I have read my Bible since I was a little girl. I have read through Psalms a million times. When I need encouragement I find my way there. I came upon a verse the other night. I swear it was light up. God had illuminated it just for me. The amazing this is, a couple of nights after I was given this verse, I read it again in a devotional I was reading. God wanted me to know I wasn't forgotten. He has remembered me.

Psalm 35:15 "My time is in Your hands."

God knows just what He is doing with my life. With my desires. With my everything. I just need to rest in it. It is all in His hands. So simple but so needed.

During my early morning walk a song comes on my playlist every day. It has spoken to my heart during this desire to be remembered time. I hope it speaks to you as well.

Hard To Get

Rich Mullins

You who live in heaven

Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth

Who are afraid of being left by those we love

And who get hardened by the hurt

Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape

To find the faith to ask for daily bread

Did You forget about us after You had flown away

Well I memorized every word You said

Still I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath

While You're up there just playing hard to get

You who live in radiance

Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin

We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was

Still we do love now and then

Did You ever know loneliness

Did You ever know need

Do You remember just how long a night can get?

When You were barely holding on

And Your friends fall asleep

And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat

Will those who mourn be left uncomforted

While You're up there just playing hard to get?

And I know you bore our sorrows

And I know you feel our pain

And I know it would not hurt any less

Even if it could be explained

And I know that I am only lashing out

At the One who loves me most

And after I figured this, somehow

All I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity

Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time

We can't see what's ahead

And we can not get free of what we've left behind

I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears

All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret

I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here

Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led

And so You've been here all along I guess

It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get

Me and My Ramblings

I am here, finally with my wireless working! (Thanks S!!!) Not having my wireless working has really been a drag. HA! I have so much tv to catch up on and not having blogs to read with the tv has been hard. I know, it sounds crazy. But not being able catch up on blogs kills me. I had over 250 posts to read this weekend. Yep, I feel like that is a lot. I finally caught up! I haven't caught up on tv.

October is here. It looks like we will be able to change my insurance without waiting for January. It scares me. Totally scares me. I am in a good place, minus the preggos that surround me. I don't want to go into the dark places of IF. I enjoy breathing. There are times when it can be hard but barely breathing is a different place.

I am feeling that alone feeling again. Not because I don't have amazing friends but because I am left behind. I guess I should stand tall and be proud that at least I am still standing. But still standing alone can be a hard place.

Dmarie THANK YOU for the bracelets. My next post will be about them. Grumps amazed me.

My Favorite Number is Changing

You know when you were a kid you had a favorite number? Mine was 7! Well 17 because the number of my 1st grade classroom. I loved Mrs. Waldrop! But I soon dropped the 1 and left it at 7. I think I need to change it. I don't know, maybe to... 20! or back to 17!

The reason....

There are now 7 preggos at work. YEP 7! CRAP CRAP CRAP! I am surrounded. The best part, they are all due in the same 2 months. SHOOT ME! I might need to die!

Guess when they are all due? Yep right around my due date! YEP KILL ME!!!!

Out of the Mouths of Second Graders

It's that time of year. The time where my class begins to ask questions about my family. Every year questions are asked. Every year it gets easier to answer them, but it still stings.

Class: Do you have any children?

Me: Nope, I have you guys. That is enough.

Class: Why don't you have any children?

Me: We are waiting for God to give them to us. (Yes I used God in a public school but seriously, parents should teach their children not to ask such questions.)

Class: I know how to make children. You only need to plant a seed. Have you planted the seed?

Me: Okay enough of this!

Class: Maybe one day you will come to school with a big belly. Maybe we will see you next year with a HUGE belly.

Me: Speechless, holding back the tears. Hoping they are little prophets and can tell the future.

Class: My mom has 4 kids. She says it is too many. I know someone who has 6 kids......

Me: Seriously guys, we need to move on. Can someone tell me what are our life needs again?

SHOOT ME IN THE FOOT! I am sure more questions will come since there are 5 pregnant women at my school. I am sure more will show up later on during the year. I am also positive a kid will say, "Why does so and so have a big belly and you don't?"

I love kids but sometimes their words really hurt.

Painful Innocence

Yesterday in church I was singing and worshiping when D began to talk about her morning. She got chocked up and of course I got chocked up too. I had been focused on the song but now I was watching her speak.

My eyes were looked down to the front row. There at the front of the church was the most precious little girl in a white dress and ruby red sparkling shoes. She began to dance and twirl and worship God. She was maybe 5 if that. The look on her face was so intent on praising God. My heart broke. My eyes filled with tears. I want a little girl to mold and teach and have her grow into a godly woman.

I don't know if D had seen her. If she was trying hard not to focus her attention on her. I know I began to cry out to God asking Him to change me from the inside out. Desperately wanting to put my focus back on Him and not on the precious little girl.

It is amazing how something so sweet and pure and innocent can be so painful.

Welcome Back to School

Going back to school has been a killer. MAN it makes me tired just thinking about it! This morning I swore it was Friday when I woke up. I was so excited. WHAT THE HECK! It is only Monday.

My kids are sweet. I have some crazy little boogers but they were for sure hand picked for me.

Well I over heard a little conversation today. It sort of broke my heart. One little girl tells another little girl, "My sister got married." The other girl said, "What happens after you get married?" The reply was, "You have babies." I wish it was that easy for everyone.

I love my team. Of course there are some characters that can drive you crazy. But then there are the gems. On of my close teammates is pregnant. I LOVE HER because truly you would never know. She NEVER complains. She constantly is sensitive to my feelings. On the other hand there is a girl pregnant on another team. She had a miscarriage last year. She became obsessed with getting pregnant again. She was blessed with a quick pregnancy this summer. She isn't super far along BUT you would think she was 40 weeks pregnant by the way she acts. Today she pushed herself off the chair as if she had a 10 lb baby inside. GAG ME!!!! Thank God she isn't on my team.

My final story.... This is the killer. I told Grumps and he about died. He said next time I should burst into a hysterical crying fit. A mom and her girls were coming to visit her former teachers this afternoon. I have only briefly spoken to her before.

Well she asks me the horrid question through 'sign language.' "Are you..." making a pregnant belly. I paused thinking, "You are STUPID! Who asks that when you don't know me from Adam." I replied with, "Nope!" Usually it stops there. But she has to dig the knife in deeper. She goes on to say, "Really? Everyone is pregnant around here. I thought you would be too."

Ummmm I wanted to spit on her. Of course I smiled while shaking my head and said, "We are waiting for God to give us a miracle. We have been trying for a long time." While I am saying this she keeps walking and says, "Wow, Really?" It ends there. I was SPEECHLESS!!!

When will people learn? Did I look pregnant? Was someone spreading rumors? Did they get me confused with someone else? I am sure it will be all over the neighborhood now. It had started last year when a mom came to see me after 'hearing a rumor.' She wanted me to have her fertility book hoping it would help me. After so many years books don't work but I took it anyway. She said it was a good luck charm. Whatever!

Welcome back to school to me!!!!

A New Place

Today at church we sang a song which I have sung a million times. Each time I sang the song I would plead for it to be true but deep in my heart I couldn't sing it with truth.

As I sang the song this morning there was freedom. I could sing it truthfully and with all my heart. What a nice place to be. This new place.

Here are the words:

You are all I want
You are all I need
Help me know You are here.

When I would sing, You are all I want it wasn't completely true. I wanted a baby. I still do but I wanted it more than I wanted God. Does that make sense? I felt like a liar every time I would sing that line.

When I would sing, You are all I need I knew it to be true but it hurt to admit it. I wanted to believe I needed a child. I needed a baby to be in my life. I didn't just want God to fill all my needs with only Him.

When I sang the song today I completely meant those words. He is all I want. He is all I need. I am complete in my life. I will survive no matter the outcome. I will be victorious no matter if it is just Grumps and me for the rest of our lives. So the last line is VERY important. I need to know God is here and near and ever present. If I am going to give up my burden for this new place I need to know I am not alone.

I know you are all shaking your heads and snickering. You are thinking, "just wait, you will retract all of this soon." I am sure I will have moments of sorrow and longing. I am sure I will come to that awful place of being so desperate for a child. But right now I know I can and will be okay no matter the ending.

I haven't given up hope. I have just given up the burden.

Happy Hour

Thursday nights are happy hour with my girls. I LIVE for Thursday nights. We eat, drink and bitch about life and infertility. Today I was left with just Grumps. I love Grumps but happy hour isn't the same.

BUT it was still super nice on a Thursday of the first week of school. I enjoyed beer (I told you I learned how to drink it and enjoy it!) and catfish. Grumps enjoyed margaritas and enchiladas. I realized right then how I truly can enjoy life without children. Don't get me wrong. I would LOVE to be pregnant this month even though AF is pretty much here. Her dog Spot is hitting hard at the door. But the longer we go on this journey the more we enjoy our life.

If we ever have kids we will have to say, "Good-bye" to out of the blue happy hour moments. I guess it is why we are enjoying them now. We went out twice this week for happy hour.

I LOVE MY LIFE!!!

I am sure my next post will be ugly. It is like when you say to a friend, "My husband and I haven't had a fight in forever." That night you have the worst fight in the history of your marriage!

I Don't

Want to be 31 and childless~!

I love my husband but this is not what I had EVER imagined my life would ever be.

I can promise you, I won't have a baby by the time I am 32. I won't have a baby by the time we have been trying for 5 years.

I DON'T LIKE TODAY!

Dreams

I had a dream last night that was very disturbing. I find I do my worrying in my dreams instead of real time. Guess what I worried about last night? Being childless.

In my dream I had made friends with another couple dealing with IF. We both had just done a procedure and were waiting for our results. Of course she finds out she is pregnant. She tells me she is sad I am not and moves on. It was like she couldn't be my friend unless we both were pregnant or not pregnant together. Yes, weird.

I realized then, in my dream, I had no choice. It was either time to adopt or time to face the facts, we would remain childless.

As part of my dream I had to tell my coworkers of my decision. I guess this is where I begin stressing and worrying about the upcoming school year. We are going to have lots of changes. I am trying not to care.

I woke up from my dream saddened and disturbed. I know it was a dream. I know it isn't time to face those facts yet but they were there in my sleep. It is also strange how every time I woke up Grumps was touching me. We never touch in our sleep. Maybe he was having the same dreams. I will have to ask him when he wakes up.