Friday, November 09, 2007

Not Part of the Club

I couldn't believe my ears on Tuesday. My friend, also pregnant, rushed into the copy room to tell me the news. Another girl at work is pregnant. That would make 8. I asked questions, how far, natural, due date. She rushed off the answers. I was generally happy for the girl. She had been trying for a while. But it still hurt to know I was left behind again and surrounded by 8 bellies!

I took a moment to breathe when the girl strolls into the work room, right up to my friend. The words that came out of her mouth cut like a knife.

I am now part of the club!

My mouth dropped. I tried to smile at her and say "congrats". I am not sure what I actually looked like or said. I am sure the plastered smile on my face looked more like a smile of someone about to vomit.

Then the pictures cropped down before my friend. 8 week pictures. 8 weeks stings for me. I lost my angel to heaven at 8 weeks. My friend was nice, asked questions and moved her along. I stapled papers in silence trying desperately not to cry.

Once the new club member was gone my friend grabbed me and repeated how sorry she was over and over.

I am not part of the club! I can't get those words out of my head. I don't belong with those girls, the 8 girls.

Last night I went to the Casting Crowns concert. The first guy talked about his family and praying for his kids and blessing them. Of course I wasn't part of that club either. As the night went on and was about to end the band members prayed for the crowd. One prayed for the young men. Another prayed for marriages. It got to the young girl and I thought, she is going to pray for the club members. Yep she did, but not the belly/kid kind but the IF/childless kind. She too is struggling and has lost an angel. Tears streamed down my face as I finally didn't feel left out. I knew one of their recent songs had a line about a wife longing for a family. I didn't realize why.

I am better at the end of the week. I am better with my non-membership. I know, my time is coming, according to the rest of the world. I am not sure I like hearing those words. I know they are trying to be helpful but a pat on the arm or a squeeze is enough for me. Maybe I can fake being part of the club and just get fat!

13 comments:

Chris & Rachel said...

Sunny,

This Casting Crowns song you've got playing has meant a lot to me throughout this process of adoption and loss.

Thanks for your post...

Fertilize Me said...

Sunny - I just want to hug you. You are part of a club, No, It isn't the 8 girl club at your work, but its a better club. Allow God to love on you.

niobe said...

I'm glad you're feeling better, but I wish I had been there to kick that girl in the shins. And to explain to her exactly why what she was doing was cruel. I'm sure she didn't mean any harm by it, but I'm tired of people who don't mean any harm, but manage to do plenty of it anyway.

In Search of Morning Sickness said...

I feel the hurt in your post and I feel it too. Very intensely.
It's an awful situation to be in, with a hurt as deep as IF and miscarriage, to have others rudely flaunt it in your face. I am so very sorry.

It's nice to hear about the concert. After my miscarriage, I have appareciated songs about losing a child (like Andy Peterson's Lullaby). It's comforting to be reminded there are people out there like us struggling and thinking about Others!

tracey said...

Sunny - all I can say is I'm siorry you're hurting. If I could get you in a could. I wish the club wasn't so exclusive for your sake.

Meghan said...

I am just so sorry. That girl just sounds nasty. It does suck to always feel as if you are on the outside looking in. I wish there was something different I could say or do to make you feel better

oh and FWIW, I don't think I'd want to be part of any club with that girl...

Lori said...

Ouch!! That girl needs a lesson in Pomegranate!

I'm glad you were acknowledged at the concert.

So sorry, Sunny.

DD said...

Ignorance is the worst kind of cruelty because they have no guilt and no possibility of apologizing.

I'm very sorry, Sunny.

r_is_moody said...

Sunny, i am so sorry that you had to stand there and listen to her talk. How rude of her especially since you said she had a hard time getting pg.

I actually wrote a post about this same thing recently, about me always losing the membership card to that club. I know how bad it hurts and I am so sorry for you.

But I am so happy that at the CC concert you felt like you belonged. This journey would be somewhat easier if more people in the "spotlight" would come out and tell their stories.

Hugs.

Cathleen said...

What a rotten day! I agree with dd. Ignorance or oblivious people can be the cruelest.

What a blessing at the concert. I hope it you brought you some comfort.

jill said...

I'm sorry - it all sucks. And I'm sorry that people (myself included at one time or another I"m sure) say sucky things... because people are wonderful AND people suck. I'm glad your evening at the concert ended with some wonderfulness!

Mandy said...

I love your honesty and can relate to all that you have shared. I'm glad that here in the blogging world you are surrounded by compassionate women who love and support you.

LJ said...

Sorry I've been out of the loop a bit. I'm just catching up now.

Totally unreal. Is there something in the water over there??