His Hope

My hope comes and goes. I get the stupid desire to stop this crazy roller coaster of infertility and move on with my life. Then hope creeps in and reminds me we have so many more 'things' to try before throwing in the towel.

This year will be 5 years of trying for us. It will also be 10 years of marriage. We have spent half of our marriage trying for a child. Grumps and I were talking about this at dinner last night. It is another birthday without children for me. We usually get into a short but deep conversation about us each year. I begin to plan out our IUIs. I asked if Grumps wanted to just skip right to IVF. He said "Whatever the doctor tells us to do."

Here is my hope, we will do an IUI in December, January and February. March/April will be our first IVF. Nowhere in there did I see success. Nowhere did I leave room for hope and miracles.

Here is Grumps' hope, where do you want to go for your spring break? I wasn't planning a trip. You will be pregnant.

Of course I laughed! I haven't played the pregnant card in a long time. I quit living my life in terms of, "What if I am pregnant then?" Living my life like that hurts when the month comes along when we would have done something or gone somewhere but don't because we thought I would be pregnant.

I was glad to see Grumps living in the positive. He very rarely lives there in life. The positive is my job. I guess in this case he needed to take over.