Sunday, November 04, 2007

His Hope

My hope comes and goes. I get the stupid desire to stop this crazy roller coaster of infertility and move on with my life. Then hope creeps in and reminds me we have so many more 'things' to try before throwing in the towel.

This year will be 5 years of trying for us. It will also be 10 years of marriage. We have spent half of our marriage trying for a child. Grumps and I were talking about this at dinner last night. It is another birthday without children for me. We usually get into a short but deep conversation about us each year. I begin to plan out our IUIs. I asked if Grumps wanted to just skip right to IVF. He said "Whatever the doctor tells us to do."

Here is my hope, we will do an IUI in December, January and February. March/April will be our first IVF. Nowhere in there did I see success. Nowhere did I leave room for hope and miracles.

Here is Grumps' hope, where do you want to go for your spring break? I wasn't planning a trip. You will be pregnant.

Of course I laughed! I haven't played the pregnant card in a long time. I quit living my life in terms of, "What if I am pregnant then?" Living my life like that hurts when the month comes along when we would have done something or gone somewhere but don't because we thought I would be pregnant.

I was glad to see Grumps living in the positive. He very rarely lives there in life. The positive is my job. I guess in this case he needed to take over.


TeamWinks said...

Sounds like you two are a perfect fit!

Fertilize Me said...

It's good to have Grumps carry that hope. Let him .. Let him inspire you and comfort you even if you are not able to believe or see it. You do not have to leave room for success. Success is something that just seems to happen. A blessing. Your casting crown song was the very first song I heard when the nurse called me back with my 1st beta - I have since then played it over and over. It does not physically help me, it mentally helps me. Just like hope. It may not physically get those 2 lines, 9 months, and then a baby, but it possibly can make the mental ride much less depression and hurting. For me, the Rays of that hope and sonshine passes in those cracks of hurt and desparation even when I didn;t think it did. I hope that my comment does not insult you but encourage you. I have been constantly sending thoughts up for all of us.

Amanda said...

Isn't it touching when they throw those little comments filled with hope at us. Mr. W always seems to do that right when I need it most.

Lori said...

Happy birthday, Sunny.

We, too, took turns carrying Hope. She can be quite a heavy load for such a wispy thing.

kellg said...

Sunny: So good to see your "plan." Will be praying for you both!

Debby said...

Yeah for Grumps. and I of course am still holding your hope as well....very tightly.

jill said...

I'm always praying for your hope and miracles... and hoping the miracle finds you soon!

JJ said...

Two peas in a pod! Glad he is holding onto hope, too. It gets to be a HEAVY load, doesnt it?
Hope you had a happy birthday!