Sunday, July 29, 2007


I had a dream last night that was very disturbing. I find I do my worrying in my dreams instead of real time. Guess what I worried about last night? Being childless.

In my dream I had made friends with another couple dealing with IF. We both had just done a procedure and were waiting for our results. Of course she finds out she is pregnant. She tells me she is sad I am not and moves on. It was like she couldn't be my friend unless we both were pregnant or not pregnant together. Yes, weird.

I realized then, in my dream, I had no choice. It was either time to adopt or time to face the facts, we would remain childless.

As part of my dream I had to tell my coworkers of my decision. I guess this is where I begin stressing and worrying about the upcoming school year. We are going to have lots of changes. I am trying not to care.

I woke up from my dream saddened and disturbed. I know it was a dream. I know it isn't time to face those facts yet but they were there in my sleep. It is also strange how every time I woke up Grumps was touching me. We never touch in our sleep. Maybe he was having the same dreams. I will have to ask him when he wakes up.

Bored of Refreshing

I find myself getting WAY behind on my blog reading. I work hard to catch up and not feel overwhelmed. I know, so stupid! But when I finally catch up I am constantly refreshing everything in hopes to read something new.

Does anyone else have this problem?

So if you are bored of refreshing, take a moment to check out my shared items on the right hand side of my blog. You might have already read them in your blogroll but if not, they are great inspiring reads. I am just too lazy to give shout outs to them in person!

I will be going out of town next week. Visiting the inlaws. I am hoping my mind doesn't start thinking about what is upcoming, our m/c anniversary. We should be bringing a baby with us on this trip. SUCKS!

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

A Great Year HA!

I still receive adds, coupons and fliers in the mail for 'our baby'. They don't bother me any more. I have been getting them forever. It is my own stupid fault. I know we have chatted about this before. Remember me getting the box of formula on my due date?

I also continue to get babystyle emails. I can't get rid of them. I have points saved up. My little bit of hope stored down near my toenails thinks I could get pregnant and use them again.

SO today I get an email... "Thanks for a great year!" Well it wasn't that great of a year for me. Maybe for them. I am sure they had amazing business. It goes on to further kill me...

Happy anniversary as a member of babystyle Rewards!

To celebrate we're giving you 50 FREE points
toward earning money-saving perks like FREE
Shipping, FREE Gift Wrap, and FREE Gifts!

Any points you earned over the last year have expired, but
your new FREE points will give you a head start on the next
12 months.
I guess I was stupid! I lost my points. But we are celebrating the shitty year with 50 new points. Last year on this very day I was worrying about my numbers not doubling. I stepped out in faith and bought some clothes after seeing the sweet heartbeat just 2 days later.

I guess it is time to unsubscribe. STUPID STUPID STUPID!~

Yep you saw it here! 2 posts in one day!

Shout Outs!

I am late on my shout outs! I just haven't been in the mood to blog. We discussed this already.

First LJ I had a BLAST with you and D the other night! The atmosphere, food, music, but most of all the company was wonderful. I loved meeting you and hearing your story in real life. THANK YOU for letting us know about the concert.

I had a WONDERFUL time with the DC girls! It is awesome to see bloggers in real life. It is amazing how you totally can come across as you on a blog. I can't wait to meet up again. I hope more can join next time!

Finally THANK YOU for the most amazing words ever written about my angel post on the Roundup Extravaganza. The anniversary of losing our angel to heaven is coming in the next couple of weeks. Thank you for honoring it.

We are heading out of town next week. I am sure I will have to really work hard not to relive last year over and over again. We went on the same trip visiting family last year. We told them all about our pregnancy. It will be bittersweet returning without our little one or even not being pregnant. Such is life!

Friday, July 20, 2007

Summer Blogger

I am here and not dead. I have justed turned into a summer blogger. Okay usually it is the other way around. I would usually post like a crazy woman, but lately I just haven't been in the mood to blog. For me, blogging is therapy. If I turn it into, Please read my blog and comment, it ruins the purpose for me and causes me CRAZY pressure! So I have been chilling. I have a couple of posts in my head. One I actually wrote out on a receipt, drunk while camping. I feel like that desperate moment to get those thoughts down are gone now and not worth bringing them back to life. Who knows?

I have also been a busy soul. Almost every weekend I have headed off to somewhere fun. This weekend is the beach. A trip to visit my inlaws for a weeks is also coming up. My mind just hasn't been into blogging. I have been reading but not necessarily commenting.

I guess we all need a little break sometimes. Here's mine! I am sure I will get moving again. I just need to be inspired!

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Here and There

I haven't been thinking about infertility and all my issues lately. Therefore, not blogging.

OKAY that is a lie. I never stop thinking about it but I have been too busy to be smart, witty or blogging. I have posts brewing in my head but nothing solid to put out. Do any of you do this?

I have been traveling here and there. I was in Kansas this past weekend. Camping this weekend with Grumps. Next weekend a wedding at the beach. My last big trip will be to the lovely inlaws in Canada. BUSY!

Yes I still think about my life and infertility and all that jazz. I watch friends be with their children and feel jealousy for a split second. I long for the love they show and receive. Then I see people who truly do not deserve children. In fact they have them taken away because they aren't fit. Grumps said to me, "How does that work? They can't take care of children and we don't have them but want them." It never makes sense.

This week Aunt Flow is late and hope rises. There is more doubt now with each late day than ever before. I am okay with that, protection. She showed today. I didn't cry or get sad. We really are not trying very hard. I give it a try once in the small little window. I can't be absorbed. I just can't during The Summer of Sunny!!! So I am toasting to AF today with good wine.

Did anyone watch Heartland on TNT this week? Part of the story dealt with infertility. Comparing physical pain with mental anguish. Makes you think. Breaks your heart. Feels good to not be alone, to be talked about on tv.

See I told you in my title this post would be full of here and there's. I am just trying hard not to think too much. Maybe it is because a year ago this week I found out I was pregnant. It haunts me. I have looked back at my posts. I think back how it felt to share the news. The phone calls, the jumps for joys, the smiles. It hurts. I have let my life slip a little bit. I was asked recently, "What has happened to you? You aren't the person I knew before." Yep I have changed. I wish it didn't happen but it did. I will never be the same.

MAN I didn't want to get heavy. I didn't want to think. Back to toasting to AF!

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Breathing Air Again

by Robbie Seay Band

This song touched me deep inside. It is what I want to do. I want to breath again. I want to enjoy my life, my husband, my friends, ME!

There are days I feel like I can barely breath. I am just floating by. The other day we went to K's pool to enjoy the day. Grumps played with Little Man for hours in the water. Never complaining but laughing as if he were 3 1.2 too. I held Chunks and thought about if my angel were here they would be playmates. It was a wonderful day but I wanted to float away. I laid in the pool floating hearing only my breathing thinking about my life. I am tired of dwelling on what I don't have and enjoy what I do have.

I know I will have moments of gasping for air from time to time. A year ago I was just finding out I was pregnant. Our miscarriage date is coming up in a month. I know those days will be hard but I can't live there all the time.

I am back to my walks. Listening to uplifting music while I pray for others and will the fat away off my butt. Grumps and I have been spending more quality time together. We payed dominoes for hours the other night on our deck listening to great music, laughing, and enjoying the night. I have been spending more time with friends. I LOVE MY FRIENDS! I even called my MIL the other day. I knew she needed a little pick me up. I gave her an hour of my time. I just want to live my life like this song this summer.

I want to breath again!

Monday, July 02, 2007

The Double Whammy

I was searching the other day, out of summer boredom, who was linked to me. I love being nosy and feel loved at the same time.

I found a blog which I have never visited before (I will be adding you to my list though). Under my blog she put a description "The double whammy. Dealing with a loss and infertility". WOW is all I have to say. I have never thought of my little journey that way. I mean I think I have been doing this for forever. I had a loss which still breaks my heart. But putting the two together definitely sums it all up.