Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Here and There

I haven't been thinking about infertility and all my issues lately. Therefore, not blogging.

OKAY that is a lie. I never stop thinking about it but I have been too busy to be smart, witty or blogging. I have posts brewing in my head but nothing solid to put out. Do any of you do this?

I have been traveling here and there. I was in Kansas this past weekend. Camping this weekend with Grumps. Next weekend a wedding at the beach. My last big trip will be to the lovely inlaws in Canada. BUSY!

Yes I still think about my life and infertility and all that jazz. I watch friends be with their children and feel jealousy for a split second. I long for the love they show and receive. Then I see people who truly do not deserve children. In fact they have them taken away because they aren't fit. Grumps said to me, "How does that work? They can't take care of children and we don't have them but want them." It never makes sense.

This week Aunt Flow is late and hope rises. There is more doubt now with each late day than ever before. I am okay with that, protection. She showed today. I didn't cry or get sad. We really are not trying very hard. I give it a try once in the small little window. I can't be absorbed. I just can't during The Summer of Sunny!!! So I am toasting to AF today with good wine.

Did anyone watch Heartland on TNT this week? Part of the story dealt with infertility. Comparing physical pain with mental anguish. Makes you think. Breaks your heart. Feels good to not be alone, to be talked about on tv.

See I told you in my title this post would be full of here and there's. I am just trying hard not to think too much. Maybe it is because a year ago this week I found out I was pregnant. It haunts me. I have looked back at my posts. I think back how it felt to share the news. The phone calls, the jumps for joys, the smiles. It hurts. I have let my life slip a little bit. I was asked recently, "What has happened to you? You aren't the person I knew before." Yep I have changed. I wish it didn't happen but it did. I will never be the same.

MAN I didn't want to get heavy. I didn't want to think. Back to toasting to AF!

15 comments:

niobe said...

"What has happened to you? You aren't the person I knew before."

That's exactly the question I keep asking myself. And my answer is pretty much the same as yours. I'm sure I've said this zillions of times, but the words from that old country song keep echoing in my head: I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.

Inconceivable said...

AMEN, Sista!! Cheers to AF

PCOSMama said...

IF changes us all in one way or another - how can anyone expect it not to? I guess because they've never dealt with it...

Sorry about the anniversary.... hope you have a good time on all your trips and are so busy you can't be sad too much.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I'm thinking of you!

Chris said...

What a busy place your mind has been! I know this is such a difficult time for you, but you surely are handling it with grace. I too think back on my feelings from when I was pregnant. I know the haunting feeling. And I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Try to keep enjoying your Summer of Sunny. It sounds like you are off to a great start!

Kay said...

Hi There,

I stumbled upon your blog and was immediatley interested. Hang in there and I'll my fingers crossed for you guys.

My husband and I have been ttc as well, not as long as you guys, but since Feb, we got preggers not long after, but I had a mmc at about 8 weeks as well and that was only a few weeks ago.

Take care!

tracey said...

you're not the same person you were a year ago - that's not necessarily a bad thing. you're a little older, a little wiser,a little less naive, a little more jaded, but you're still you. >:) you're a good wife, and a good friend - the two roles i know you best in - and i like you. the old one and the new one too.

Cynthia said...

Sunny, nobody is the same after IF. I am scared that I will never recover from it, even after I have children. It definitely has scarred me. So, don't worry because you're not alone. I, honestly don't know how someone could remain the same after IF?!?

We're all here for you, don't forget that. :-)

Princess Peach said...

Lots and lots and lots of wine cheers for AF. ; )

dmarie said...

I too like the above poster wonder even after children if I will really recover from this hell. Have a glass or two for me.

Lori said...

There's a saying in Adoption World that children don't cure infertility. I agree that they are two different things.

BUT. I can say that once I crossed to the other side, I was just too busy -- and so full -- that IF ceased being a constant ache. In fact, I think I'm done aching about it at all (but you never know).

Yes, it changes us. And yes, life goes on, flowing, cycling. I am now aware of different rhythms.

Cheers to AF. Hugs for you on this anniversary {{{{Sunny}}}}.

GLouise said...

It's OK not to be the same person, although it hurts sometimes to think about WHY we're no longer the same.

Thinking of you....

PS. the comment above mine gives me a lot of hope. I hope it will be true for me!

jill said...

well, I have only known the Sunny of this year and I like her - a lot :)

kell said...

hi there sunny. i just wanted to let you know that i am always thinking about you and praying for you.

Jen said...

Love your blog!! I struggled with infertility for only one year, after which I miscarried my first pregnancy. Feel free to check out my blog. I'm working on writing a book about miscarriage and infant loss. My next book is going to be about infertility. That's years down the road though, but I wanted you to know I'm touched by your story.