Friday, November 30, 2007

Can You Read My Mind?

Sorry for leaving everyone hanging with the sad news part. I had started this post but after a couple of drinks it began to make no sense.

On returning home from our family trip my mom called. She sounded strange but those days happen. She goes on to tell me my sister in law has miscarried.

Just last week I spent an entire week with a beautifully pregnant woman with a very cute son, my nephew. I wasn't prepared for this news.

She had gone in for a regular appointment to only discover the baby had died almost 3 weeks earlier. She was all alone.

Has someone been in my head reading my thoughts? Never did I wish a miscarriage but I did wonder when she was super sick the last day that maybe something wasn't right. You know, we IFer's who have experiences miscarriages only think the bad. Of course I also had thought, "why are you having a second child when your first is out of control and drives you nuts?" She had even said that the week before was the worst week of her life.

I really believe someone is in my head. I never wanted this to happen but how awful to feel relief with it. I had wanted a chance to have my time. See I am such a bad person!

Yet through all of this I can only hope my mom will learn more about what I went through. Once again, selfish! I told mom to ask if she could spread the news. My brother doesn't need to have to make those calls. I also told mom to tell people to send cards and flowers. Someone died, they deserved to be remembered.

I did my part. I gave advice to my mom. I sent flowers. I called my SIL and left a message. I have prayed for her. My heart truly does break for her. It is sad. I even thought, why do bad things happen to good people because she really has a heart of gold. Unlike my black heart. HA!

11 comments:

Lori said...

Be as gentle with yourself as you would with any of us.

I'm sorry for your brother and SIL. M/Cs are sad all the way around.

{{{{Sunny}}}}

Meghan said...

I'm so sorry for your brother and SIL. You did your part in educating your mom and doing your best to help them out. And unfortunately, I don't think anyone can read our minds and do our bidding....or we'd all be pregnant already!

snapshots said...

Oh, I'm so sorry.

You truly are amazing...you definitely have done your part and your heart is not black. It is a heart of gold.

r_is_moody said...

I'm so sorry for your sil's loss.

She is lucky to have you during this time.

DD said...

I don't know anyone who hasn't thought that way...including myself.What we think doesn't say anything about how good or bad of person we are, but how hurt we have been.

My sympathies with your SIL.

The Town Criers said...

You do NOT have a black heart (and welcome back, by the way). I am very sorry about your SIL.

PCOSMama said...

I agree, we all think 'bad thoughts' sometimes - not because we truly want them to happen, but because we wish for someone to understand what we have been through. As sad as this is, perhaps it will provide some more understanding in your family.

Kudos for advising your Mom on what to do. I can't imagine having to tell everyone I had lost my baby. Let someone else do it for them and hopefully the word will be spread well so they don't get any unknowing, painful inquiries about the baby.

Fertilize Me said...

Welcome back, i hope you had some fun. I am sorry to hear about your SIL's loss. You are a good advocate for her to your family. I think you gave excellent advice

Wordgirl said...

Oh, you are not alone...please, please be kind to yourself...

being in close proximity to a very pregnant woman who has in very real ways 'stolen my thunder' so to speak...I have had unspeakable thoughts. It is natural, really.

You are courageous in talking about it...and in doing so you've made ME feel not so alone...

Thank you.

And I agree with the gentleness part -- be easy on yourself...or at least try...

Pam

JJ said...

Oh my goodness...Im so sorry for your SIL, and she is so very lucky to have an understanding/supportive SIL in YOU!
Please be kind to yourself, and Im here to share a virtual glass of wine anytime you need it!

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your SIL. Take care of yourself because nothing you said, did, thought brought this on. wqjkn