Wednesday, July 23, 2008

When Your Up, Your Up

But when you are down, you are really low...

Fine, I'm Okay... No really, I'm doing good...

I have am the master at being okay and fine. I put the smile on my face. I might even laugh or clap. Sometimes I make a joke or take a swig but I am the master. Lately I truly have been okay. Not great or fantastic but just okay. Numb to it all. Tired as usual. I never seem to be able to get a break. When I think I have it good, all is going well, I am kicked pretty low.

Today brought it all into perspective. Meaning, I just got kicked.

Some of our closest friends sent us a text last night. Baby boy was born. Last week from another set, baby girl was born. Through an email from my MIL, two of Grumps' cousins are having babies due in the fall. FALL IS REALLY SOON. I am happy for them but why are we just hearing about it now. In the mail, a birth announcement. THANK GOD for the friends who sent a card because of our sucky canceled transfer. It helped cancel the yuck out except they were the friends who just had the baby last week.

The hormones are trying really hard to leave my body but in the process they are leaving me feeling really crappy. I know, everyone is on hormones in the blog world but they really screw me up. I have gone up 2 sizes in the past 3 or so months. WHO DOES THAT? It is like my body feeds on estrogen. It can't get enough. If I had something to show for the gain I would be okay with it. Instead I just have me wearing a bigger size trying not to eat bad food when I am depressed.

My marriage is really struggling. Fights like we have never had. Looks, silence, nothing. I watched Grumps stand on the deck today just looking out thinking. I am sure he was thinking my sad thoughts. He even said he was trying to make our vacation as childless as possible. He doesn't want me to think about children. I hugged him in my little mind for that. Of course the armor came on and I said, "I am fine."

Yep I am on a sick roller coaster. UP then DOWN. It just repeats itself. My poor blog gets hit with it all. To be normal would be wonderful.

Yesterday I got calls saying I had maxed out on my insurance for covering F drugs. THANK YOU fairy god mother for helping me out. Grumps almost lost it. I just don't think we can take much more. It will only be a couple of weeks and thoughts of our little angel will really set in. We will have lost her 2 years ago. 2 YEARS AGO!!!!!!

I am sure if you ask me how I am doing tomorrow I will say, "Fine." "Great." or even "Okay." But today, tonight I am really low.

Cheers from my very yummy bottle of wine to all who know what low feels like.


nh said...

Because there are no words, (((hugs))). Take each day as it comes and don't beat yourself up over feeling low, it is natural. My body also feeds on estrogen and I eat junk when down, following another failed ICSI last month I seem to have gained 10lbs (although some of this was during cycle).

deanna said...

Sending comforting thoughts, and hugs your way.

niobe said...

Thinking of you. And hoping and praying that your path will get a little easier. Really, really soon.

Shelby said...

Sending lots of hugs and thinking of you constantly.

I hope the downs are much shorter than the ups as time goes on.

Jendeis said...

Thinking of you. Hoping that things get better soon. Much love.

Jen said...

I'm so sorry that this is all hitting you at once. I'm thinking of you.

Meghan said...

I bottle up everything and "i'm fine" people to death. I've got to be the worst communicator. My problem is that in then always comes spilling over at the worst possible time. Sorry to hear you and Grumps are fighting. I think that is one of the forgotten things about all this crap, the toll it takes on your relationship.

I'm hoping this is a short little down and things turn around for you quickly. Sending lots of hugs

Cathleen said...

Ugh! This rollercoaster sucks and you have been on the receiving end of some pretty crappy news lately. I hope everything starts looking up soon. Hugs.

Carrie said...

You have been through such a disappointment, and such a lot of stress, it is bound to have a huge impact. I know that doesn't actually help but try not to be so hard on yourself. I am really sorry that things between you and Grumps have been less than ideal. It is an odd thing that we fight/push away those we need most at times.
I also understand the hurt of seeing the time passing by and feeling as if nothing has changed. It is so very frustrating.

I hope the wine was good. I think it is the only way to get through. Be good to yourself and make each day just a little easier in some way. I really feel for you and hope something good happens soon, you deserve a break.

Rose C said...


A glass of wine

and thoughts of you