Just Shoot Me!

Man I hate how long I have left you all hanging. Like you wait for every update! I have been so busy with work, shots in the belly, monitoring, and SICK that blogging has been on the back burner. Actually, I have wanted to blog so bad but by the time I get into bed with my laptop (Oh so romantic) all I want to do is check my email and watch tv.

Today was one of my worst days teaching in a good chunk of time. I have sent 2 kids to the office in the past 2 days. That is more than my entire 9 years of teaching. I am at a loss for the behavior in my classroom. Of course the mom of one of the kids thinks I suck so she wants a conference with the assistant principal, counselor and me. Thank God I have kept at least the counselor involved in all of this. I wish I could go into more detail but it all just SUCKS being me right now.

Of course my IUI is next week along with the 100th day of school, staff meeting, 2 conferences, GT crap (wanting to use a much harsher word), and stupid Valentines day. I am sure there is something else mixed in with all of that. Oh maybe it is Grumps working Vday evening due to the 'timing' of our IUI.

Well being a teacher is a joy, can't you tell? Seriously if you want my job IT IS YOURS! On top of the behavior issues I get a conversation of THIS at least once a week. Enjoy!

*Mrs. Grumps are you going to lay a baby? (yep you heard me, lay a baby! There are 10 pregos at work. My kids are obsessed!)

*I laugh and say, NOPE, no laying a baby here!

*Then my obnoxious kid asks how long I have been married.

*10 years.

*He replies with, "MY GOSH you should have had a baby by now. What is the problem? When are you going to have a baby?!

*My reply, after dealing with parents and sending kids to the office, "When God gives me my miralce." (I don't care if I say 'God' in a public school. In fact one of the kids was like, "Oh my gosh she said 'god!' Oooooooo)

*Then one girl, who I was going to say was sweet but in fact is a brat said, "Guys, even if God doesn't give her a baby, at least she has Itsy to love her. She is like her child."

My friend is listening to all of this flabbergasted. Her heart is broken and just doesn't know what to say. All I can do is laugh at the sweetness of children. The world is not only NOT seen in race but also not in IF terms with children!

I haven't forgotten about my stupid people post! It will come!

Sorry if this doesn't make any sense. I have enjoyed my night being PISSED in my beer with my good friend and Grumps! Fat food and drinks RULE!

Thoughts

Today in my classroom one of my sweet second graders came up to me and asked me why I don't have any children.

I told her, "I am waiting for God to give them to me."

She asked me how old the other teacher I work with was.

I said, "30."

She said the other teacher is pregnant.

I said, "yes."

She then asked how old I was.

I said, "31."

She was silent after that. I am sure her mind was wondering why I wasn't and the other teacher was when I am the older one.

You gotta love being a teacher with honest children.

Also today I talked with a teacher who dealt with infertility 15 years ago. She told me her story and then told me how she couldn't remember all that she did to get pregnant. She said that I will one day forget all of this.

Ummmmm I don't think that is possible. I am sure it won't feel or hurt the same way but I will never forget this journey.

How could she have forgotten if she did IVF or not? Seriously!

A New Year

Happy Birthday to me today! I was dreading today but God has given me hope for this year.

I have wanted to blog about my time with God this week but have been too busy to do much. I will have to find some time soon to share with you what He has been speaking to me. TRUST is the major word in it all, right along with GOD!!!

I also thought I would share with you my BIG birthday surprise. Thursday Grumps had the day off and wanted to come meet my kids. During the day D and I were planning a time to party that night. Grumps was TOTALLY ugly about it all. I just didn't get why he was being so mean.

I was waiting for Grumps to arrive in my classroom. I kept watching out my window. I finally see him with flowers and a woman. I thought that she looked a little like my mom but knew that couldn't be. There's a knock at my door and when I opened it there stood my MOM! She had flown up here for my birthday. I was totally shocked and surprised. What a wonderful birthday surprise!

So here's to getting older and a new year!!!!

Home

I stayed home today from work. I am a teacher and that is a hard task to do. But I knew that I just wouldn't make it.

I wasn't feeling well but not just physically. I fell the fake mask crumbling. I feel myself falling quickly apart.

I talked with friends today. It is therapy for me. But I still have a heavy heart.

I actually shed a few tears today. I usually tear up when I talk to people. I tear up when I am in public but in private I am dry. It felt good to just cry a bit.

I cried to God. I told Him how I was so tired. I was tired of trying. I wasn't even sure I want a child anymore. We all know that I do but... The burden is too heavy these days. I would love to take a break from it all. I would love to put my thermometer back in the drawer but the fact that my endometriosis grows more and more with each cycle, it really makes me afraid.

I am just thankful that I took time for me today. I am feeling better. I really am.

*I am still not caught up with all my tv though. :)

A New Place

I can't wrap my brain around where I am right now.

I am low. Check, been there!

I am tired. Check, I am always there!

I want to give up. Check, been there before.

I feel forgotten. This feeling is a little new and really stupid.

The other day in my class, which I love by the way, I had to pull sweatshirts off 7 year olds. This is nothing knew. I have done many things to help 7 year olds. But this one moment, with the true love that I have for them, time stood still.

Thoughts began to run through my head. I WANT THIS! I don't just want the baby. I WANT it all!

I couldn't breathe as time stood still. I almost couldn't move. I wanted to just either hold those kids in my arms or walk right out of my classroom door. I HAVE NEVER felt like that with my teacher hat on.

Then the questions began to fly through my head. Will I have a child? Should I go back to the doc? Should I looking into a RE? Should we be more aggressive? Should we adopt? I brought the last question up to Grumps and he just spoke before thinking like usual.

I HATE WHERE I AM~ I was okay with seeing bellies, babies, children, families. Now that is slipping through my fingers. How can I live and not notice all that?

How can I get back to my old place?

The Word is...

OUT!

It has been slowly leaking out to different people at school. They have been afraid to confirm it with me.

When I went back to work, it was just all too soon, too fresh to share with anyone. I told only a handful.

Now people ask about me, my situation, my absence of a child. I have had the guts to just spill the beans. It has felt good. I kind of just through it out there. You can see my words hit pretty hard.

OR those who have known secretly steer the conversation to my 'issues' hoping I will share. When I do share they act SO SHOCKED that it is very obvious.

I can't wait to share GOOD news and watch that spread like wildfire.

The Biggest Fake

Man am I the biggest fake ever or what?

I know how to put the biggest smile on.

I have the "Yeah, Congratulations!" down pat!

I can make everyone think that I am just fine.

But when I get behind closed doors or in my car or in bed in the dark I fall apart.

I had one of those Fake Moments first thing this morning. One of my only good friends at work pulled me into my classroom before school started. I thought I had hurt her feelings or something from the way she looked at me. Then she started to tell me that she is pregnant.

I should have one an Academy Award. I was so good and putting on the fake. I told her that I was in a good place and would be fine. She cried. I hugged her and didn't even shed a tear. THAT is how good I am. She is 2 months pregnant, due in April, the month after me.

I received this wonderful news right before the kids came in. What great news to have hanging over your head all day. I didn't really let it sink in until my drive home after Back to School Night. I cried. I let the fake take a break.

I even faked it through her saying, "Yes it is a little early to be telling people and my son, BUT I have had 2 successful pregnancies without any problems. I am pretty sure that this will be just perfect. I don't ever have any problems." THANK GOD my kids starting coming in and I am not a person who takes things to heart like that.

But it did sting for just a minute as she left.

The pregnant girl on my team hasn't shut up a bit about her joy, boobs, belly, back, emotions, hunger, head, YOU NAME IT! Including baby. I fake it so well that she actually thinks I enjoy being a part of those conversations.

Anyone else want to join the BIGGEST FAKERS CLUB? We could have tshirts made!

Making It

Just wanted to pop in to let everyone know that I am making it.

My days are long.

I have a cold.

Yesterday was very emotional.

I heard "How was your summer?" over 50 times.

I lied in each response.

I have a pregnant girl on my team due just a couple of weeks before I would have been.

She drove me crazy at first.

She is growing on me.

I am exhausted.

I am just coasting.

Barely making it.

I told my administration.

She was helpful and very glad that I confined in her.

I cried off and on all day yesterday.

Today I was numb.

I will make it!

Back to Work

I am going back to work today. School is finally starting up. BOOOO HISSSS!!!!

Can you tell how excited I am?

This summer didn't go the way I had planned. It started out great. I had fun with my friends and granny. I got wonderful news that I was pregnant. I got to enjoy feeling pregnant. We visited family and then it just all went bad.

I feel like the summer was tainted. I really would like a redo. I wouldn't trade being pregnant but something had to be better.

I haven't really spoken to anyone from work this summer. Two people from my team know. I plan to tell my administrators today just so they know why I might be acting different or whatever. I am sure someone will come up to me and say, "How are things going on the baby front?" or "How are you feeling these days?" OR "Are you pregnant? I just thought you would be this summer."

I plan to reply to all of the above with "Well, we were pregnant and I had a miscarriage two weeks ago. We are blessed to have been pregnant and plan to start trying again once I get my cycle." I will then say, "How was your summer?"

I hope to make people feel bad for being so insensitive. Oh well, I work with teachers, what do you expect!

My Mind

My mind has been running on overtime these days. I have many people on my mind in different stages of their lives. I want to be there for them, hoping that it will take the pressure off of me and my own life.

I continue to think about my job and how I am not happy in it. I made a list of likes and dislikes the other day. It was sad to see that my dislikes out weighed my likes in a huge way. I don't want to live my life like that.

Yesterday I saw one too many families. It really began to drive me nuts. Then I started to think that this just can't be normal. I think about this way too much. I can't even begin to count the number of times I think about me and my life and babies and children and not having one and never having one and.... God please make it all just STOP!

Mother's Day is only a couple of weeks away.

On a good note, Grumps and I had a GREAT time last night. Yes, truly great time. I will share more details this week.

Finally thank you friend for hanging with me tonight. I know that it was to help you feel better but it helped me even more. Thank you for helping me sort through my crazy mind and being a sounding board.

Infertility Everywhere #2

The other day I was in the office at work thanking my principal and AP for letting us wear jeans. I told them how I needed to go and buy a jeans for this special day since I look awful in mine. I then said that it is because of the hormones and stupid menapausal drug. My principal says, "Lupron?"

I was shocked! I had a feeling that she had maybe had infertility problem since she had a little girl and was older. But it could have been because of her career. I was right with my first thought. She tried for 6 years to have a baby. She had endometriosis and fibroids. She had been on Lupron. None of that worked for her. Finally she did IVF. She was blessed with the most precious little girl.

Her words of wisdom for me were, NEVER GIVE UP! It is worth all the pain and trails.

Her kind words and caring eyes gave me hope! I am near the end. I will not give up!

New Jeans

Today at work we get to wear jeans. This is a big deal. We NEVER get to wear jeans. I wanted to look nice. I want to look nice so that we can wear them again.

I had a problem. None of my jeans look good on me. They stretch across my stomach wrong or give make my legs look like stuffed sausages. Or the worse case was they wouldn't zip or button.

I made a mad dash to Old Navy and tried on a couple of pairs of jeans. I have now grown to a nice new size. I didn't have time to be sad about it. I was on a mission.

Today I put the jeans on and they are okay. Nothing great or grand but at least I don't look gross.

I am sorry that all I have been talking about is my appearance but that is all that I think about these days. My plan is to get back on the wagon of losing weight and getting in shape in February once these drugs are gone!