Saturday, October 21, 2006

A New Place

I can't wrap my brain around where I am right now.

I am low. Check, been there!

I am tired. Check, I am always there!

I want to give up. Check, been there before.

I feel forgotten. This feeling is a little new and really stupid.

The other day in my class, which I love by the way, I had to pull sweatshirts off 7 year olds. This is nothing knew. I have done many things to help 7 year olds. But this one moment, with the true love that I have for them, time stood still.

Thoughts began to run through my head. I WANT THIS! I don't just want the baby. I WANT it all!

I couldn't breathe as time stood still. I almost couldn't move. I wanted to just either hold those kids in my arms or walk right out of my classroom door. I HAVE NEVER felt like that with my teacher hat on.

Then the questions began to fly through my head. Will I have a child? Should I go back to the doc? Should I looking into a RE? Should we be more aggressive? Should we adopt? I brought the last question up to Grumps and he just spoke before thinking like usual.

I HATE WHERE I AM~ I was okay with seeing bellies, babies, children, families. Now that is slipping through my fingers. How can I live and not notice all that?

How can I get back to my old place?

3 comments:

Jay said...

Maybe you need a break. A true break where you can Grumps can take time to relax together and not think... just enjoy each other.

Remember, you won't know if it's impossible unless you keep trying.
In my heart of hearts I really believe you will have your children Sunny. I can't explain it, I just believe.

Kelly said...

Prayers to you Sunny! I hope these yucky feelings leave you soon and you feel peace in your heart and mind!

Sunny said...

Thank you Jay. I needed to hear that. I think we need a break too but I am afraid to take one. What if my endo grows back? That lurks around with every cycle.

Thank you Kelly for the prayers.