Monday, October 16, 2006

Each Cycle

Will I be sad?

That is the question Grumps asked me today. YES I cried. I will be sad each time until I get my miracle and keep it. How can I not be sad?

Grumps has no clue and I told him that. He doesn't feel the cramps, the change, the tenderness that makes me continue to wonder. He doesn't check his temperature each morning. He doesn't watch the cervical mucus change. He just baby dances.

I know it is hard on him BUT if I want to be sad each month I have the right to be. I told him that he needed to take care of me each time I get sad. I shouldn't feel guilty when I have a sad day.

With my friend and her heartache and all the pregnant woman surrounding me I feel like I am drowning. I know I will stay a float. I always do. I know I will try again each month. I know that I will keep trying. BUT it hurts every time. It hurts more and more and more.

The endo grows back more and more each month. People continue to lap me each month. I feel more alone each month.

I was hoping to give a present at Christmas to my family. I was hoping to be 3 months pregnant. I was hoping to share the news. I was hoping to be able to hold my new nephew without crying. Yes, I have 2 more months until Christmas but the doubt has set in.

By the way, my temperature dropped and I started spotting.

2 comments:

Curly Mommy said...

I'm sorry. I wish I could give you a big hug.

Sunny said...

I can feel it through cyberspace. :) Love you!